Poetry Life Is What You Make It

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Fire-Wolf, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. Fire-Wolf

    Fire-Wolf S.P.D Smoke Pot Daily, Legalize It!

    Life Is What You Make It
    By Tyelor Klein, aka Fire-Wolf

    Life is what you want,
    Yet always death doth haunt.

    We travel to achieve,
    While others may deceive,
    We must strive for our dreams,
    Lest we be forgotten as dust in the streams.

    While some can only think of now,
    Others can only thing of how,
    We can save our world,
    Or else be hurled,
    Into the abyss,
    Be us mist.

    Life is never what you want,
    Yet always death doth haunt.
  2. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    It seems like you have several thoughts going on, but you don't connect them. The word play here is also interesting, in a more or less weird kind of way. I also dislike the abuse of the comma.
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  3. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

    I wasn't huge on it. The beginning and end were kinda nice, and had the body been better it would have tied it together rather well, I think. The body, though, seems to be just a jumble of words that kinda rhyme but don't really mean anything. The timing seemed off on a couple parts, too, which ruined the flow it would have had. Overall, I think it needs a lot more work, but it could also be reworked and made into something decent, I feel like. Either way, I'm no poet, so you don't gotta listen to me.
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  4. Fire-Wolf

    Fire-Wolf S.P.D Smoke Pot Daily, Legalize It!

    Yeah I wrote it during math class, being depressed. If you had my mind set it would make more sence, because it was just my thoughts with a rhyme. But it wrote it after being dumped, and just wrote the thoughts going through my head. I have always thought of my part in the world and feel that it is big. But even after tragedies you must see the more important aspects of life.
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