Halahan
To die will be an awfully big adventure.
- Reaction score
- 52
New story I've worked on just a little. As always comments and crits welcome. First chapter started but not finished.
Redemption
- Thread starter Halahan
- Start date
I think you could describe the environment a lot better. My mind made a lot of adjustments throughout the story. The transformation seemed random, and the word "everywhere" makes a bad adjective.
Also, this sentence needs some fixing: A women pointed at him, yelling something as he ran to him.
Your story had a very good hook. Now describe some more. A writer should be able to turn words into a living breathing world if he/she wanted to. And I think you should want to.
Also, this sentence needs some fixing: A women pointed at him, yelling something as he ran to him.
Your story had a very good hook. Now describe some more. A writer should be able to turn words into a living breathing world if he/she wanted to. And I think you should want to.
Halahan
To die will be an awfully big adventure.
- Reaction score
- 52
"A women pointed at him, yelling something as he ran to him."
meant that to be, "A women pointed, yelling as she ran to him." or something to that affect. I didn't edit this at all. so you thought, 2/5? 3?
thanks for the comment.
Edited both and added to the first chapter. Tried to keep what you said in mind Ninva. Give it a read
meant that to be, "A women pointed, yelling as she ran to him." or something to that affect. I didn't edit this at all. so you thought, 2/5? 3?
thanks for the comment.
Edited both and added to the first chapter. Tried to keep what you said in mind Ninva. Give it a read
Halahan
To die will be an awfully big adventure.
- Reaction score
- 52
Took what I originally was part of the first chapter and added that to the prologue. Edited it a bit. Not to long guys, give it a read. Thanks
Syndrome
You can change this now in User CP.
- Reaction score
- 126
i shall read more this when im officially more or less 'awake', but i picked some things up...
"clenching his fists to stop him from screaming in pain"
im no engl1sh |\/|4st3r, but i think that doesn't make sense unless you add the him in bold into that sentence.
"grey stone wall that looked unremarkable"
well, i dunno why, but this bothers me for some reason. unremarkable means ordinary.
maybe Unremarkably plain? i dunno. this is not really an error, just something that bothered me.
well, ill read it more in detail after i wake up XP
good writing though, keep it up.
"clenching his fists to stop him from screaming in pain"
im no engl1sh |\/|4st3r, but i think that doesn't make sense unless you add the him in bold into that sentence.
"grey stone wall that looked unremarkable"
well, i dunno why, but this bothers me for some reason. unremarkable means ordinary.
maybe Unremarkably plain? i dunno. this is not really an error, just something that bothered me.
well, ill read it more in detail after i wake up XP
good writing though, keep it up.
Halahan
To die will be an awfully big adventure.
- Reaction score
- 52
What the hell, I'll bump this, cause I started this not to long ago.
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