Poetry Short piece

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Zakyath, Mar 25, 2012.

  1. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

    I haven't written anything in months. Except for just now that is. I appreciate any critisism, even though I know I have not been too generous with it myself for a while. Anyway.

    Why do I have to keep both my hands on the wheel?
    I’m drifting through gridlock with ease as it is.
    I hear the people holler, cursing at one another,
    This place is devoid of bliss.
  2. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    Is this a descriptive poem about a traffic jam?
  3. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

    Not really, but it feels as if I'm really running out of metaphors...
  4. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    What do you mean by that?
  5. KaerfNomekop

    KaerfNomekop Swim, fishies. Swim through the veil of steel.

    Your life is easy. You're flying past people in terms of success. Yet you still feel dissatisfied.

    Reading a bit into it gives such an impression.
  6. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

    what I meant is that I'm running out of allegories and metaphors, so I wanted to try something relatively fresh to portray a certain emotion; I wasn't sure whether I succeded or failed.

    Your almost right on. It's about having it easy all your life, yes, but it's not that the narrator feels as if s/he is doing better than everyone else. I wanted to portray the feeling of having no motivation to do your best in a bleak and sad world.

    btw, my friend told me I am using the world gridlock wrong. Am I?
  7. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    In gridlock, you can't "drift through." I thought you were using poetic license with that phrase.
  8. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

    yeah, but my friend thought I had to write "a/the gridlock" :p

    my english is getting rusty, I need to start reading more...
  9. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    That isn't necessarily so. Placing the article there depends on if there are more than one gridlocks, as a quantitative thing. I can see how it works rhetorically in your poesy, but I can't seeing it adding or taking away from the poem overall.

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