Straight Jokes

[AgentPaper]

Jokes

Post any jokes you have/find here. Try not to repeat when possible. Racist/Sexist Jokes are fine unless someone takes offense or the mods say no.



3 army men in an airplane practicing skydiving.

First one throws out his gun, and leaps out.
Second one throws out his helmet, and leaps out.
Third one throws out his grenade, and leaps out

The first one lands, and sees a little boy crying.
He says, "Little boy, why are you crying?"
Boy says, "A gun fell outta the air and hit my mommy on the head!"

The second one lands, and sees a little girl crying.
He says, "Little girl, why are you crying?"
Girl says, "A helmet fell outta the air and hit my daddy on the head!"

Third one lands, and sees an old man laughing.
He says, "Old man, why are you laughing?"
Old man says, "Cause I farted, and the guy behind me BLEW UP!"

 

[pladams9]

OK, I know you said no repeating, but the way I heard this one is:

Three men in a plane.

First one looks down, sees a starving village, and says: "I'll throw down some bread to help those people."
Second one looks down, sees a village without water, and says: "I'll throw down some water to help those people."
Third one looks down on a village and says: "I hate those people; I'll throw down a bomb."

Then a man walking through the three villages sees a man crying in the first two villages and a man laughing in the third:

In the first village, a man's donkey was killed by falling bread.
In the second village, a man's donkey was killed by falling water.
In the third village the man farted and the building behind him blew up.

Heard that when I was ten. Stupid; but it has a pretty funny punch line.

 

[AgentPaper]

Three blondes are stuck on an island.
They see a lamp, and rub it.
A magic genie come out, and says to them:
"I will grant you each one wish!"
The first blonde says, "I wish I was ten times smarter than I am now!"
She turns into a brunette and swims off the island.
The second blonde says, "I wish I was a hundred time smarter than I am now!"
She turns into a red-head, builds a boat, and rows to the mainland.
The third blonde says, "I wish I was a billion times smarter than those other two combined!"
She turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.



Three women on an island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head.
The red-head swims for the mainland, gets a third of the way, and drowns.
The brunette swims for the mainland, gets halfway there, and drowns.
The blonde swims for the mainland, gets 20 feet from the shore, gets tired, and swims back to the island.



Three women on an island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head.
They see a lamp, and rub it.
A magic genie come out, and says to them:
"I will grant you each one wish!"
The red-head says, "I wish I was home!"
And it was so.
The brunette says, "I wish I was home!"
And it was so.
The blonde says, "I'm so lonely, I wish my friends were here!"
And it was so.



A farmer, Saddam Hussein and George Bush were walking along a beach.
They see a lamp, and rub it.
A magic genie come out, and says to them:
"I will grant you each one wish!"
The farmer says, "I wish my farm was eternally bountiful!"
And the genie said, "It is done."
Suddam Hussien said, "I wish there was a wall around Iraq, that was impossible to go through, over, or under."
And the genie said, "It is done."
Bush said, "Hmm, tell me more about this wall."
And the genie said, "It is a thousand feet thick, a hundred miles high, and it is impossible to go over, under, or through it."
And Bush said, "Hmm...Fill it with water."
And the genie said, "It is done."

 

[mixmax2]

K, theres a blonde, a priest, a pilot, and a boy on the airplane.
The airplane expeirences some trouble the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out. There are only 2 parachutes left and the blonde says im too smart to die here! She jumps out laughing. The priest is worried now and says to the boy" you go my son, i am an old man and u deserve to live instead of me" and the boy says " father theres still 2 parachutes left, the blonde lady took my backpack!"

 

[Pyromancer]

a book never writen: ten yards to the out house. by willy makit illustrated by betty wonte

a book never writen: how to get more playing time, by ben shwormr

a book never written: dont go in the water, by aquel uver

a farmer boy was walking down the lane carrying
a huge wheelbarrow full of corn. he hits a rock
and the wheelborrow tips over, spilling all the corn
out. he starts to load it back up, but it was getting
dark. a bussyness guy walks past and says," hey son
why dont you come over to my place and have a supper"
the boy says," thank you kindly, but i dont think my paw
would be to happy about it." the man says, "ah, come on
it will only take a and hour or so" the boy says ,"i really
dont think i should." after awile, the guy finaly perswades the
bout to come have dinner. so aver a hearty meel, the boy says
"thank you kindly but i really dont think my paw will be happy
i did that." the man says, "ahh, yul be fine. where is your paw
anyway?" "under the wheelborrow" said the boy.

 

[guitarplay]

im sorry but i gotta put some dead baby jokes in here

how many babys does it take to paint a wall. . . . depends on how hard you throw them

whats black and blue and lies in the corner . . . a baby playing with a plastic bag

whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porche . . . i dont have a porche in my garage

whats more disgusting that a 100 dead babies in a trash can .. . 100 dead babies in a trash can and one live baby eating its way to the top

how many dead babies can you fit in a blender . . . 11

 

[pladams9]

You are sick.

 

[SilverHawk]

im sorry but i gotta put some dead baby jokes in here

how many babys does it take to paint a wall. . . . depends on how hard you throw them

whats black and blue and lies in the corner . . . a baby playing in a plastic bag

whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porche . . . i dont have a porche in my garage

whats more disgusting that a 100 dead babies in a trash can .. . one dead baby in 100 trash cans

how many dead babies can you fit in a blender . . . 11

Jeez...Learn your dead baby jokes.

 

[w/e]

no he got those all right, i dont think you looked at them too carefully....

 

[skinny77]

There is a large puddle in the street. So large, in fact, it covered half of the road. There was a blonde woman in a cardboard box in the middle, shouting
"Help! I'm stranded!"
Another blond pulls up in a car, winds down the window, and shouts
"OI! Shut up! It's people like you who are giving us blondes a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come over there and give you a piece of my mind!"

= = = = = =

There is a man lying down, naked, on a beach. A blonde walks past. She stops and looks at him. She points at his penis and says
"Whats that?"
"Its my birdie," he replies.
Sometime later he falls asleep. He then awakens to find himself in hospital, heavily drugged with pain relievers. The blonde is sat next to his bed. He murmurs to her
"What happened?"
"I was playing with your birdie when it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set fire to its nest."

- Skinny77