ReVolver
Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
- Reaction score
- 608
*Puts on reading glasses*
Would sound much better if just said-"I don’t know how," she thought. Because as we all know, thoughts are silent. It's redundant as it is now."I don’t know how, she told herself, silently in her mind. "
This sounds awkward, again brevity in the form of a simple "she thought" would serve much better.I’m not going to die like this! the woman screamed at herself, in her own mind.
It's not bad, but there are a lot of run-on sentences that seem stretched to the breaking point. In the same vein of thought, some of the sentences are a bit verbose. I think you describe a little too many visual details, when you really should be focusing on the immediate action. Also, redundancy.
Would sound much better if just said-"I don’t know how," she thought. Because as we all know, thoughts are silent. It's redundant as it is now.
This sounds awkward, again brevity in the form of a simple "she thought" would serve much better.
Overall, it needs some work. It has potential, and I encourage you to keep at it.
'she thought' is very bland and holds no emotion. Screaming in your mind how ever... But thats just my opinion.
said/thought etc.. are all emotionless. :\
The bit you posted, while well written, is pretty generic. Girl running through dark forest chased by evil monster. A few grammatical errors too, but that's not really a big deal.
He is around.He isn't even around anymore, is he?
"I will kill you, I will kill all of you!"