A Poem

Mer_de_Noms

Certified Badfish
Reaction score
55
Here's a tiny little poem of mine.

Slumber

Tonight I will sleep well
Lulled into slumber by a sweet song
Instruments of gunfire
Vocals of the dying man​
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
In the third line you put vocals. Vocals is an adjective, so it doesn't work there. I suggest you use voices.

Also, I couldn't understand what was happening in the third line. Were you awaken from your slumber to the instruments of war? Or was that the sweet song you stated in the second line?

EDIT:

That's odd, I had to look up vocals to make sure it wasn't a noun. I thought it was an noun also. I guess I was wrong. =/
 

Mer_de_Noms

Certified Badfish
Reaction score
55
Oh, someone that payed attention in english class :)

But as for your questions, in the third and fourth line, they refer to the music that makes up the lullaby that lulls one into the said slumber.

As for the vocals part, I'm not sure that voices would fit so well, because that doesn't seem to go as well with the song theme as well as vocals does. Hmmm...

The whole thing refers mostly to the current state of the world, and how people can sleep comfortably at night when people across the ocean are simply trying to live through the night, and how they have to fall asleep to the sounds of dying screams and gunfire all around them, while we get to sleep to the sound of our favorite show or song.

Man killing man. It's a sad era.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
Ah, now it becomes clear to me. It was very well written. Maybe you should clue the reader in to where this is taking place, and when. But I don't think when would be much of a requirement.

You could also add some bitterness to this poem. I can tell that you’re aiming for a bitter/sweet meaning. Make the reader understand the frustration you're going through, and allow them to see the carelessness of the people who sleep to the sweet song.
 

Mer_de_Noms

Certified Badfish
Reaction score
55
Hm, good advice.

I'm not shooting to be a professional poet or anything, but it's always good to hone skills here and there.

Nice little message under your avatar by the way :D
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
  • Varine Varine:
    How can you tell the difference between real traffic and indexing or AI generation bots?
  • The Helper The Helper:
    The bots will show up as users online in the forum software but they do not show up in my stats tracking. I am sure there are bots in the stats but the way alot of the bots treat the site do not show up on the stats
  • Varine Varine:
    I want to build a filtration system for my 3d printer, and that shit is so much more complicated than I thought it would be
  • Varine Varine:
    Apparently ABS emits styrene particulates which can be like .2 micrometers, which idk if the VOC detectors I have can even catch that
  • Varine Varine:
    Anyway I need to get some of those sensors and two air pressure sensors installed before an after the filters, which I need to figure out how to calculate the necessary pressure for and I have yet to find anything that tells me how to actually do that, just the cfm ratings
  • Varine Varine:
    And then I have to set up an arduino board to read those sensors, which I also don't know very much about but I have a whole bunch of crash course things for that
  • Varine Varine:
    These sensors are also a lot more than I thought they would be. Like 5 to 10 each, idk why but I assumed they would be like 2 dollars
  • Varine Varine:
    Another issue I'm learning is that a lot of the air quality sensors don't work at very high ambient temperatures. I'm planning on heating this enclosure to like 60C or so, and that's the upper limit of their functionality
  • Varine Varine:
    Although I don't know if I need to actually actively heat it or just let the plate and hotend bring the ambient temp to whatever it will, but even then I need to figure out an exfiltration for hot air. I think I kind of know what to do but it's still fucking confusing
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Maybe you could find some of that information from AC tech - like how they detect freon and such
  • Varine Varine:
    That's mostly what I've been looking at
  • Varine Varine:
    I don't think I'm dealing with quite the same pressures though, at the very least its a significantly smaller system. For the time being I'm just going to put together a quick scrubby box though and hope it works good enough to not make my house toxic
  • Varine Varine:
    I mean I don't use this enough to pose any significant danger I don't think, but I would still rather not be throwing styrene all over the air
  • The Helper The Helper:
    New dessert added to recipes Southern Pecan Praline Cake https://www.thehelper.net/threads/recipe-southern-pecan-praline-cake.193555/
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Another bot invasion 493 members online most of them bots that do not show up on stats
  • Varine Varine:
    I'm looking at a solid 378 guests, but 3 members. Of which two are me and VSNES. The third is unlisted, which makes me think its a ghost.
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Some members choose invisibility mode
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    I bitch about Xenforo sometimes but it really is full featured you just have to really know what you are doing to get the most out of it.
  • The Helper The Helper:
    It is just not easy to fix styles and customize but it definitely can be done
  • The Helper The Helper:
    I do know this - xenforo dropped the ball by not keeping the vbulletin reputation comments as a feature. The loss of the Reputation comments data when we switched to Xenforo really was the death knell for the site when it came to all the users that left. I know I missed it so much and I got way less interested in the site when that feature was gone and I run the site.
  • Blackveiled Blackveiled:
    People love rep, lol
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    The recipe today is Sloppy Joe Casserole - one of my faves LOL https://www.thehelper.net/threads/sloppy-joe-casserole-with-manwich.193585/
  • The Helper The Helper:
    Decided to put up a healthier type recipe to mix it up - Honey Garlic Shrimp Stir-Fry https://www.thehelper.net/threads/recipe-honey-garlic-shrimp-stir-fry.193595/

      The Helper Discord

      Members online

      No members online now.

      Affiliates

      Hive Workshop NUON Dome World Editor Tutorials

      Network Sponsors

      Apex Steel Pipe - Buys and sells Steel Pipe.
      Top