A Soldier's Eyes

Sevion

The DIY Ninja
I got bored and decided to write something. Besides, you guys inspire me with your awesome writing :O

So far I've only completed Chapter 1. Yes, I know it's pretty short.

Setting: World War II. Iwo Jima, Japan. 1942.

A Soldier's Eyes


Chapter 1: The Guys​

I woke to the sound of Captain Mars's barking orders rather loudly. I pulled on my breeches and scrambled out of my one-man tent. I stood at attention along side my fellow soldiers. Just by chance or fate, I ended up next to Scott. He always seemed to know what was going on. He was a bright man with a brave heart. They could torture him for an eternity before he said anything to them. The captain was on the other end of the line so I chanced a chat with Scott. I leaned over and said, "What's this all about?"

"Cap's lost his red book. Ya know? The one on Brit Warfare."

I listened to the captain and noticed he was yelling about his book. How did Scott get this information? I told you he was smart. I grinned and the captain had turned around and was looking in my direction just as I grinned.

"Do you have something to say, corporal?"

I froze. I'd just made a mistake. I'd been careless. Now cappy's going to chew my ass off. "No, Sir!"

"You've a mighty big grin on your face there. Did you take my book?"

I heard some people stifle laughs "No, Sir!"

"Drop and give me fifty!"

"Yessir!" I got lucky. It was only fifty.

In the 'Rines, as my squad mates called it, we always obeyed orders. We were taught discipline. We were taught to always respect a superior officer's rank. Never to oppose them. I easily finished fifty push ups. While the captain finished his rant about his book, I stood there still as a tree.

As I was walking back to my tent, someone placed a hand on my shoulder. I spun around and met eyes with a large, muscular, Caucasian man.

"Hey, dude! That was a real kicker back there with Cappy!"

"Hey, Smits." This was Smits. He always had something to laugh about. He was a very loose guy. You could tell him anything and he'd always help you. Unless you told him you work for the Nazis or Japs. In which case he'd drag you to Cappy and have you put into a POW camp. I could always count on these guys. They were always there for you.

Smits mimicked the captain and said "'You've a mighty big grin on your face there!' Heh, you always did seem to get in trouble with Cappy!" in a very serious tone.
 

undeadorcjerk

The Ulitimate TheHelper.net Lurker
He always seemed to know what was going on. He was a bright man with a brave heart. He'd die before the Japs got anything out of him. They could torture him for an eternity before he said anything to them.
you basicly repeated yourself right there. Might wanna fix that.
 

Sevion

The DIY Ninja
Alright, I fixed it.

Anything else? Are there any parts that are present tense then switch to past tense? (It's meant to be past tense.)

Any other errors?
 

Sevion

The DIY Ninja
Bump

Anyone care to comment? I really want to get better at writing. I'm looking at maybe a possible writing career if my careers with computers goes down the drain. (Or maybe a part time writing career :O)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
6/10. I think you fluctuated to much between how you told the story.

"I woke to the sound of Captain Mars's barking orders rather loudly. I pulled on my breeches and scrambled out of my one-man tent. I stood at attention along side my fellow soldiers. Just by chance or fate, I ended up next to Scott. He always seemed to know what was going on/regular boot camp/ He was a bright man with a brave heart. They could torture him for an eternity before he said anything to them/lot more serious, you talk a bit much about him/ The captain was on the other end of the line so I chanced a chat with Scott. I leaned over and said, "What's this all about?"

"I listened to the captain and noticed he was yelling about his book. How did Scott get this information? I told you he was smart."

I told you he was smart is just a bad line. Originally it was just you telling the story but now your talking to the reader. It throws you out of the story.

""I froze. I'd just made a mistake. I'd been careless. Now cappy's going to chew my ass off. "No, Sir!""

the fourth sentence I don't like. I'm trying to think of how to explain it but I can't.

"In the 'Rines, as my squad mates called it, we always obeyed orders. We were taught discipline. We were taught to always respect a superior officer's rank. Never to oppose them."

we already got that feeling from the story, and really, what army camp doesn't follow those rules? Its to obviously stated before as you read what happens then for you to repeat it again.

"As I was walking back to my tent, someone placed a hand on my shoulder. I spun around and met eyes with a large, muscular, Caucasian man.

"Hey, dude! That was a real kicker back there with Cappy!"

"Hey, Smits." This was Smits."

why say 'large, musucular (which you should delete one of those two, repeating yourself)Caucasian man when you already know his name? and every new person you seem to meet, you do a description on and then continue with the story. that can get boring. We'll learn what they're like through what they do in the story.

"Heh, you always did seem to get in trouble with Cappy!" in a very serious tone."

after four sentences of describing him as a jokster you have him say something (with a heh in it, showing humor) in a very serious tone? I don't get that. maybe you were trying to make a joke or such, I'm not sure.

Your not a bad writer, I'm just showing things you can improve on. Don't let these things get you down ;)
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
There are no guidelines for writing stories.

I've read many books, personally I like descriptions, on the settings, the characters, personalities, and hints that can give you some foreshadowing.

Sometimes you do repeat yourself a bit, but the descriptions are well, it shows the knowledge and sociality of the main character.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
"There are no guidelines for writing stories."

yes... but you can still write bad and then no one really wants to read it (obviously not referring to your story)
best advice is to read.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
There are no guidelines for writing stories.
Big bold false. :p
Edgar Allen Poe, and many other writers use writing theory, but not all writers use theory. Kurt Vonnegut (my favorite author) claims he doesn't, but even though he claims such things, he does use a unique set of guidelines.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
Ok, let me rephrase that :p

There's no a specific guideline a writer needs to follow.

Meaning, the writer can write how he wants, but in the end, it can be 'good' or 'bad'. Good or Bad is just an opinion :D

I like books that get into detail, and are very description, and have little hidden meanings. Like books by John Steinbek (Of Mice and Men and The Pearl)
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
I really don't like descriptive books, but lets stay on topic. :)

P.S. Sorry for hijacking your thread, Sevion. Keep writing more chapters.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
Yeah sorry about that.

Add a few more chapters or parts so we can review it more :D
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
nice story, tho its short, it has an intersting storyline.

Also... what does "bump" mean. When people ask they always say something like "ur a frekain retard" or "idiot" or something like tat.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
nice story, tho its short, it has an intersting storyline.

Also... what does "bump" mean. When people ask they always say something like "ur a frekain retard" or "idiot" or something like tat.
This is the wrong place to ask this, but I'd tell you anyways.

Bump means, "bring up my post". :)
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
ahh ty, tho i put it in wrong place lol. :D
since im here, might as well put more encouragement...
WOOO! GO! Nice story. The "cappy" is very wierd.
 
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