Amaryllis

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Eh, it was alright; you said "creator" or some variation of the word about a bazillion times, which kind of turned me off of it, but it seems like a decent story idea that could go somewhere. Let's see the first chapter before I give you a final decision. :D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
same about the creator, it kind of miffed the story. you kind of start out kind of dry, not really mysterious or intriguing. You end it good, but the rest is a little boring suppled with all the creates, creators, creations.

Again, the first chapter might get better, and its a good idea. you just don't have to reveal everything in the prologue. It basically tells the whole plot, and its an old noose. of course, as you said you got bored and just wrote this because of that, so that might be a very small reason why.
could get into something good, if you play your cards right ;)
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
thnx guys, i improvised for some of the creators, and thnx for your concern

ill try to play my cards right and have the first chapter done soon, so be camping out at ur computer:D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
good characteristic in writer's that you have is that you can take constructive critism well, that will be invaluable in the long run.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
"It was a beautiful day outside, with birds and butterflies roaming the near sky. The sky was a light blue with clouds as fluffy as cotton and just as white. Not one thing was wrong with the world. That is what it told me."
two things: roaming the near sky? do they live on a mountain? otherwise, theres not reason for this. also, the last line is a little awkward,. try like 'not one thing was wrong with the world. The feeling permeated the air and mind.'

"The dress I would take was a long elegant blue dress. It resembled power and leadership."
I know your trying to make it like... that's what she felt like, graduating and all that, but she's graduating elementary school, she shouldn't have a dress that resembles power and leadership, and in this day and age I don't think it exists, especially for a 11 year old.

"had a look of royalty to it."
how?

"There were a total of ten rooms in the house; three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and three other rooms: a living room, a kitchen, and the dining room."
that's nine. you said there were ten.

"One thing I do know that is very intriguing is that I’m the first daughter of my descent. "
the genetic chance of that happening

"We lived in a small town called minetown, named after all the abandoned mines were miners searched for valuable minerals, but never found any."
You say mines and such to much. and minetown, try something like, since they never found it, like 'Nojul' which for history, was from miners coming up from the dank pits and saying to each other, 'no jewels, no jewels' or something.

"They built the mines because of a legend passed around stating that something incredible and mystic was hidden below our town, but I knew it’s mythical."
another word instead of mythical

"She yelled out, jumping for joy."
". I would always have her as a friend, always."

"An incredibly fast five seconds went by and chairs and desks were organized neatly against the wall"
neatlY? five seconds? both are contradictions to each other and the general situation.

"The teachers and volunteers, including Greta and I, went to work on the graduation ceremony"
What?

"We decorated and organized, having the whole room finished within two hours."
They probably would have set it up previously..? what did the students do, come home then come back? much smoother and more probable if it was already set up.

", like I had a sixth sense"
take out I and had.

"I thought my name was a little weird, and that triggered some thoughts in my mind about my heritage and my descendants. I decided to do some research on my past."
.. a sudden urging? chances are she would have done this before. make it something new, not just her name being said, even if its her full name, something that she hadn't encountered in her life yet.

"The book, A Great Myth was in my hand. The author called himself Arthur Moy. After a few minutes I decided to read into it. "
Called himself? just say the author was Arthur Moy, unless thats some kind of foreshadowing. A few minutes? thats the whole reason she got the book, she probably would only hesitate, staring at the cover for a second or two.

"Arthur recorded that this man had told him evil creatures would one day try to take over the world. Miha said that he was the only hope in stopping them. He said that he would soon pass away but the first daughter of his family tree would have his powers and take the title as Supreme. He said she would lead human kind into victory against Hadeas."

maybe try a note or old diary entry or something, cause whats the subject, plotline of this book? he just wrote what a random guy said to him once, supposedly insane and he managed to get it published? we all know in the Writer's Corner publishing is hard :cool: that just doesn't make sense. If at all, it would probably just be put in a newspaper or something.

A lot of finer things that I noticed weren't up to par, but you've got the basics down, which is good. this could make into an interesting and good story.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
(first of all i just want to let you know i wrote the chapter checked for grammar, and then posted it. It is basically a rough draft i was to lazy to improve [although i still might] and i posted it for people to see)

"It was a beautiful day outside, with birds and butterflies roaming the near sky. The sky was a light blue with clouds as fluffy as cotton and just as white. Not one thing was wrong with the world. That is what it told me."
two things: roaming the near sky? (the sky seemed closer than usual to her) do they live on a mountain? (no) otherwise, theres not reason for this. also, the last line is a little awkward,. try like 'not one thing was wrong with the world. The feeling permeated the air and mind.' (maybe instead of "it" i will put nature or something)

"The dress I would take was a long elegant blue dress. It resembled power and leadership."
I know your trying to make it like... that's what she felt like(no the first one she liked she put it on and then realized it made her look powerful and leader-like, and.. its kind of a metaphor, kinda leading up to the time when she'd lead mankind, she'd have power and leadership), graduating and all that, but she's graduating elementary school, she shouldn't have a dress that resembles power and leadership( why not?), and in this day and age I don't think it exists, especially for a 11(atleast 13, shes graduating 8th grade) year old.

"had a look of royalty to it."
how?
(i let the reader put his/her own picture in their mind for that.)

"There were a total of ten rooms in the house; three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and three other rooms: a living room, a kitchen, and the dining room."
that's nine. you said there were ten. (yea i had ten and then i changed that sentence later on and probably deleted a room in the process.)

"One thing I do know that is very intriguing is that I’m the first daughter of my descent. "
the genetic chance of that happening (Think about it, she is from a descent that started with a magical supreme, he could make it so the first daughter does not come untill more than a few generations, thats what i was thinking when i wrote, maybe you didn't interpret it that way)

"We lived in a small town called minetown, named after all the abandoned mines were miners searched for valuable minerals, but never found any."
You say mines and such to much. and minetown, try something like, since they never found it, like 'Nojul' which for history, was from miners coming up from the dank pits and saying to each other, 'no jewels, no jewels' or something. (sounds good, i was just thinking of a quick name to put there)

"They built the mines because of a legend passed around stating that something incredible and mystic was hidden below our town, but I knew it’s mythical."
another word instead of mythical
(why?)
"She yelled out, jumping for joy."
". I would always have her as a friend, always."

"An incredibly fast five seconds went by and chairs and desks were organized neatly against the wall"
neatlY? five seconds? both are contradictions to each other and the general situation.

"The teachers and volunteers, including Greta and I, went to work on the graduation ceremony"
What? (greta and amaryllis are volunteers, how do you not understand that?)

"We decorated and organized, having the whole room finished within two hours."
They probably would have set it up previously..?(no because they would use the room during school, when have you ever seen a room in the school decorated while school is in sescion?) what did the students do, come home then come back?(in the beginning of the story Amy puts a dress on, she doesnt take it off, meaning she wore it to school, because after school she helped set up the room and she wouldnt have to go back home and change.) much smoother and more probable if it was already set up.

", like I had a sixth sense"
take out I and had. (i think its better with i and had)

"I thought my name was a little weird, and that triggered some thoughts in my mind about my heritage and my descendants. I decided to do some research on my past."
.. a sudden urging? chances are she would have done this before. make it something new, not just her name being said, even if its her full name, something that she hadn't encountered in her life yet. (w/e)

"The book, A Great Myth was in my hand. The author called himself Arthur Moy. After a few minutes I decided to read into it. "
Called himself? just say the author was Arthur Moy, unless thats some kind of foreshadowing. A few minutes? thats the whole reason she got the book, she probably would only hesitate, staring at the cover for a second or two. (read the sentences before that, she thought it didnt make sense she wondered why the title was what it was, she wondered why she found her name in it, and she looked over the cover. These thoughts would add up to a few minutes)

"Arthur recorded that this man had told him evil creatures would one day try to take over the world. Miha said that he was the only hope in stopping them. He said that he would soon pass away but the first daughter of his family tree would have his powers and take the title as Supreme. He said she would lead human kind into victory against Hadeas."

maybe try a note or old diary entry or something, cause whats the subject, plotline of this book? he just wrote what a random guy said to him once, supposedly insane and he managed to get it published? we all know in the Writer's Corner publishing is hard that just doesn't make sense. If at all, it would probably just be put in a newspaper or something.(hmm interesting)

A lot of finer things that I noticed weren't up to par, but you've got the basics down, which is good. this could make into an interesting and good story.(thank you)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Explain why the sky feels closer to her then. otherwise, it doesn't fit.

You can look beautiful or smart or whatever, but 'powerful and leader-like?' thats.... very few people in the entire world look like that, and, if she already looked that, which is highly improbable then the dress shouldn't change anything, the powerful and leader-like should come from the face, not the body.
I was thinking as in, first elementary then grade school was what you were doing, but the age and the dress just don't fit that, its a really bad line.
Maybe leading up to it, sure, but not now.

Look of royalty.... we have no idea what country or style or anything, you have to give the reader something.... curved banisters and the rich tapestries of red and gold. something like that... look of royalty... nothing came to my head when I read that.
"
oh alright, change it back. do like parlor or something


Why would the people know they were going to lose there power? genetics... in that day and age... they wouldn't be able to influence that.

why? "They built the mines because of a legend passed around stating that something incredible and mystic was hidden below our town, but I knew it’s mythical."" cause it sounds bad. something incredible and mystic, but I knew it was mythical. thats too redundant.
I just don't think a student would want to help set up a graduation.

"(no because they would use the room during school, when have you ever seen a room in the school decorated while school is in sescion?) what did the students do, come home then come back?(in the beginning of the story Amy puts a dress on, she doesnt take it off, meaning she wore it to school, because after school she helped set up the room and she wouldnt have to go back home and change.)"
lol noob... spelled session wrong. and yes I have seen one. it would be the cafeteria, and extra staff or janitors only would have to pull the tables away and put chairs there, that would just be very poor planning if they had to set it up for two hours.
as in the other students. they wait at school for two hours?

lol read five words, and think 'I wonder why my name is in here?" even slowly, thats about thirty seconds.

Your call I guess...

w/e? cmon... lets say your name was Flexirus Bob Panramazon. You'd probably wonder you're whole life why you had that name, and told when you were young that your family tree was 'interesting' or w/e, then you'd probably research it long before the graduation where she happened to hear her full name.
"(first of all i just want to let you know i wrote the chapter checked for grammar, and then posted it. It is basically a rough draft i was to lazy to improve [although i still might] and i posted it for people to see)"
thats what this site is for, what other people think of it and critique. don't give excuses, and only post your work when you are satisfied with it, then other people can read and and pick up on something that you didn't or couldn't have, or else you could have just done it and saved the other people there time.
maybe I'm being a bit to critique-ee, I'm just tryin to help :)
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
alright i took some of your advice some of it i didnt, this criticm countering could go on for days, i dont mind you giving criticm, thats what the helper is for, i am just saying i didnt spend time improving it, not to say i wont

ill settle this with +rep for advice

(BUMP)
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
i redid first chapter, so bumping for pepol to read,

btw,
has anyone noticed the writers corner becoming a lot more popular?
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
No. Rhieas is not very active lately, though I'm not sure bout that, Seth and Krys left The helper and Pineaple isn't very active here anymore. they were some of our biggest users.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
ChApTeR 2 Is FiNiShEd
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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^^
^
reason for :banghead:​
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
WAKE UP pEOPLe
the second chapter is the best so far pls read it, i need people to criticize my writing it's my only hope.:( :( :(
Read the second chapter, you will enjoy it i played my cards right, i think, well u guys tell me if i did, im desperate
lol
 

Hero

─║╣ero─
Maybe if you posted it instead of Made it available for download...Although I will take a look into this
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
ne1 else think if i posted it not as a link more of ya would read it? Anyway will you guys please leave some feed back on my second chapter.. Im not gunna start on the third if no1 posts any feedback, it wouldn't be worth it. So read it i am begging you until i can not beg anymore. Plus rep to anyone who leaves feedback that is worth while on my second chapter.. and does anyone think i should redo my prolouge? Im a much better writer now and ithink it sounds a little whack..

word?
 
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