Ambivalent Existence

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Ambivalent Existance
By Geoff.L
Last Updated: May - 06 - 08

Finally finished school work... DX that was really painful...​

Glossory:

Wraith Band: A powerful metal wristband which can use your Mana to summon weapons and activate spells.
Soul Blade: One of the few weapons that the Wraith Band can summon, the Soul Blade is completely comprised of Mana from the user. The Affilitration of the user will affect the shape of the Soul Blade.
Mana: An ever present entity that resides everywhere, from the world itself to living creatures. If something runs out of Mana, it will die and wither away. If it is a section of the planet, then the Nether Realm will take over the area.
Affilitration: Every being in the world of Zenith has an Affilitration, they are Affilitrated to Fire, Water, Earth, or Lightning. Affilitration also affects at what level of power can different spells be used.
Nether Realm: A seperate dimension which is totally devoid of colour, demons can call upon the Nether Realm, but it cannot be taken down unless the source dies or takes it down itself.

Characters:

Helixes

Hybrid:
A 14-year old boy with a mysterious past. His family and his best friend was killed nearly 5 years ago. He is attacked by a Demon and saved by a Helix Warrior named Yumi, not knowing that an adventure has begun to unfold as a sleeping darkness within reawakens...



Yumi:
A Helix Warrior in training at the prestigious Tirisfal Academy. Known as the Clutz for mishaps and accidents that tend to be quite damaging. She saves Hybrid from certain death, and accidentally brings him over to another world, unable to send him back.
Concept Art:



Chapters:

Chapter 1:
Hybrid is chased down by NecroTech employees, but gets away successfully, but not before a strange dimension where time seems to have stopped appears around him. He encounters a crazed Demon as he scrambles to get away.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Chapter 2:
Hybrid lands in the mysterious world of Zenith with an unknown girl, this chapter is basically an informant chapter, telling what things are. Hybrid learns that he is trapped in this world until he could find a way back to his home.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Chapter 3:
Hybrid and Yumi end up having the same classes in the Tirisfal Academy. The first class was Weapons Training, much to Hybrid's surprise. Classmates ridicule him and Yumi, one in particular named Ulrich pisses Hybrid off. A duel begins between Helix and Human.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Chapter 4:
Hybrid is clearly at a disadvantage in the duel against Ulrich since he still does not understand what kind of world he is in. As the duel rages on, a new danger emerges.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Chapter 5:
Hybrid wakes up from being knocked unconscious by Yumi from a nightmare and Akama suddenly examines Hybrid's Soul Blade, which, he concludes, is 'unique'. He and Yumi are sent to the mission gathering where they are assigned their first mission as Helixes.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Chapter 6:
A Typhus, an elusive and rare being, have attacked the trio in the factory the mission scroll had told them to go.

Status: Reconstructed! This Chapter is Currently Availiable through Link at Bottom of Page and at the bottom of this post

Fiction Press Link [For Complete Story]: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2463588/1/Ambivalent_Existance_Arc_1_Actualize
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
You should post the story in a word document so others may read it in its full content.
Plus it tells you how many views you've gotten.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
Yeah. What Ninva said. Please do it soon, using Post 1 as a summary/news post and to hold the uploads. When I see that, I will delete the other posts.

This is not a request :) Thank you.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Yeah. What Ninva said. Please do it soon, using Post 1 as a summary/news post and to hold the uploads. When I see that, I will delete the other posts.

This is not a request :) Thank you.
Lol, I was thinking about that...
problem is, does Word 2007 work with the older versions?
 

ReVolver

Moderator
Staff member
Just save it as .pdf and your problem is over.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
argg!!! lol sorry guys, might take longer then today... T_T, ill tell you guys when the .pdf and .doc files are ready..
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
BUMP -updated-

Rewritten Chapter 1, added 2 and 3.
Revision due to people saying that storyline resembled an anime.

Chapter 4, in progress
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
So, even reading your revised version, I'd say that this story sounds surprisingly similar to Bleach. Now, I understand that it's very possible that it's just coincidence that the stories resemble each other, and I'm not trying to blame you for any sort of plagurism. I'm just saying that the first chapter is basically the exact equivalent of the first episode of Bleach, except with different characters (although the main character in both is a 15 y/o boy and the "mentor" character in both is a girl). So, just thought I'd let you know.

Now, as far as your story goes, I've become to lazy to actually provide any true constructive criticism. I can say that you need to work on wording your sentences, as several of them sound rather awkward. I'm not really sure why he's a monster, either, although I did only read the first chapter and it will undoubtedly be revealed later in the story. The abrupt arrival of the nether realm was sort of disorienting and unexpected, and it seemed to be gone just as quickly. Much more detail could be added to give the story a little more meat, not only for the surroundings but for the events as well. I would have liked to know a little more about how the creature died, but that's asking a little too much imo. I'm not trying to make you write my story.

Anywho, not an original idea, but it's still a solid one. I'm afraid I don't enjoy your writing style all that much, so I ceased reading after the first chapter, but that doesn't mean that others will not like it. Keep on writing, and you'll only get better. Word, brotha.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Heh, its cool, everyone likes different things right?

It's hard to come up with any completely original ideas now, many ideas have been taken by either cartoons, anime, stories, whatever.
I was surprised that it would be similar to Bleach, but when I read it over, it did have some resemblance. [T______T]

Thanks for your Input! [+ Rep]
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Alright, lot of good, some bad.

I'll give you the good news first. There are a lot of well written parts and it seems your able to use good word choice, varying sentences and know how to make everything flow. The story hooked me pretty well and you know how to build up a plot. Your a good writer with a lot of potential.

the bad news,
There are some sentences that are awkward and odd words that sometimes don't make sense. This can make the story choppy. The onomonopeias used in the story make it sound more childish, which you don't want to do :). In the first chapter, you have a chilling ( our a reasonable attempt at) description of this monster and then he goes. "Oh. CRAP." which jerks you out of the world you are in. In the second chapter you go Flashback which is followed by a flashback lol. The Flashback doesn't sound good at all, instead try, His mind spun a memory that had happened only moments before. (that ones ok)
You sometimes use caps to much and at odd places when the 'blank yelled' will suffice.

The reactions by some characters, especially Hybrid sometimes don't make sense, while other times they're perfect.
Some bad examples are: "...so we cannot create a portal to a world we don't know ourselves. What I'm trying to say is that it might take a while befor ea away back to your world can be found." Hybrid felt disappointed.
see, that isn't nearly a powerful enough emotion. Actually though, you could add-"Oddly, Hybrid was not all that upset, since in his own world he was an outcast, considered a monster?" or something like that.

Another: "So... first class is... WEAPON TRAINING?!" Hybrid yelled in surprise, "WHAT KIND OF ACADEMY IS THIS?"
This has many teachable things. First of all, unnecessary use of caps, second, should be a period after surprised, and third, he king of freaks out a lot for a weapon training class. Don't you think he might think "Oh cool, weapons!"
and, by the way, when he's eating chicken wings, wouldn't he be amazed and happy because before he's been scavenging through trash just to get a little food, and now there is as much as he wants?
oh, and (third chapter) "Hybrid was starting to be pissed off of the guy."
change that to at the guy.
Last thing: The End, Yumi punches Hybrid and he blacks out? I know he's weak, but that's a bit much to end with. Seems a bit overclimatic, after the climax of the chapter. Try 'whatever Yumi says where she's really mad at him.' Hybrid just smiled.

Like I said, lot of good parts, some bad parts. best advice is to read, a lot, and the bad things will filter out. Intriguing story, as I've never seen/read "Bleach" or whatever it was.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
Another: "So... first class is... WEAPON TRAINING?!" Hybrid yelled in surprise, "WHAT KIND OF ACADEMY IS THIS?"
This has many teachable things. First of all, unnecessary use of caps, second, should be a period after surprised, and third, he king of freaks out a lot for a weapon training class.
I want to elaborate on this.

WHEN I TYPE LIKE THIS! ; I am shouting. Yea, thats ok for forums and MSN.

BUT! [Oh, see what I did there :p] in a storry it is very unprofessional. Try "What kind of academy is this?!" Gets the idea across. You shouldn't shout in a novel.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Alright, lot of good, some bad.

I'll give you the good news first. There are a lot of well written parts and it seems your able to use good word choice, varying sentences and know how to make everything flow. The story hooked me pretty well and you know how to build up a plot. Your a good writer with a lot of potential.

the bad news,
There are some sentences that are awkward and odd words that sometimes don't make sense. This can make the story choppy. The onomonopeias used in the story make it sound more childish, which you don't want to do :). In the first chapter, you have a chilling ( our a reasonable attempt at) description of this monster and then he goes. "Oh. CRAP." which jerks you out of the world you are in. In the second chapter you go Flashback which is followed by a flashback lol. The Flashback doesn't sound good at all, instead try, His mind spun a memory that had happened only moments before. (that ones ok)
You sometimes use caps to much and at odd places when the 'blank yelled' will suffice.

The reactions by some characters, especially Hybrid sometimes don't make sense, while other times they're perfect.
Some bad examples are: "...so we cannot create a portal to a world we don't know ourselves. What I'm trying to say is that it might take a while befor ea away back to your world can be found." Hybrid felt disappointed.
see, that isn't nearly a powerful enough emotion. Actually though, you could add-"Oddly, Hybrid was not all that upset, since in his own world he was an outcast, considered a monster?" or something like that.

Another: "So... first class is... WEAPON TRAINING?!" Hybrid yelled in surprise, "WHAT KIND OF ACADEMY IS THIS?"
This has many teachable things. First of all, unnecessary use of caps, second, should be a period after surprised, and third, he king of freaks out a lot for a weapon training class. Don't you think he might think "Oh cool, weapons!"
and, by the way, when he's eating chicken wings, wouldn't he be amazed and happy because before he's been scavenging through trash just to get a little food, and now there is as much as he wants?
oh, and (third chapter) "Hybrid was starting to be pissed off of the guy."
change that to at the guy.
Last thing: The End, Yumi punches Hybrid and he blacks out? I know he's weak, but that's a bit much to end with. Seems a bit overclimatic, after the climax of the chapter. Try 'whatever Yumi says where she's really mad at him.' Hybrid just smiled.

Like I said, lot of good parts, some bad parts. best advice is to read, a lot, and the bad things will filter out. Intriguing story, as I've never seen/read "Bleach" or whatever it was.
Heheh, awesome!
Thanks, I actually learned a lot from you and fixed tons on my next chapter, which should be up in a moment...

"Last thing: The End, Yumi Punches Hybrid and he blacks out?"
Well, he was bleeding everywhere... but yea, maybe it was a bit overclimatic. :p

The chicken wing part, you are absolutely right lol, I should've put him in a feeding frenzy since he was homeless back in the 'real' world.

Overall, a VERY helpful review, helped me changed things a bit.

+ Rep :D
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
I think I need a Moderator's Help...

I am currently done Chapter 4, but I Do Not have enough room to physically post the chapter on thehelper.net because of the fact that PDF files do tend to take up a lot of room.

How would I fix this?

EDIT:

For now, all chapters from 4 and onwards will be linked to my story thing in fictionpress.net until someone helps me with this. I will be still be updating this
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
I am currently done Chapter 4, but I Do Not have enough room to physically post the chapter on thehelper.net because of the fact that PDF files do tend to take up a lot of room.

How would I fix this?
I would suggest maybe going to Deviant Art to upload the text so that peopel can gain access to it easily enough.

Another solution would be to post them directly in the forum. But that is quite messy to read.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
I would suggest maybe going to Deviant Art to upload the text so that peopel can gain access to it easily enough.

Another solution would be to post them directly in the forum. But that is quite messy to read.
I already tried posting them directly on the forum, but Seth Cross personally told me to make a compilation in the first post or else... yea...

Deviant Art? Sounds alright, but I already post my story in another place, fictionpress.net
should I create a direct link or something...?
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
That should work. Another way if a link does not work is post it physically to the helper and put it in a spoiler.
 
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