Arcane Corruption - Birth of Darkness

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Pineapple, Oct 19, 2006.

What prologue should i use?

  1. Prologue I

    0 vote(s)
  2. Prologue II

    0 vote(s)
  3. Prologue I do some touch ups

    1 vote(s)
  4. Prologue II do some touch ups

    5 vote(s)
  5. They both Suck, waste of my 5 minutes, thanks.

    1 vote(s)
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  1. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0

    This was origonlly posted on Goths High but you all don't go there and im not going ot deprive you of tihs adventure so here it is! But the topic at Goths High would hae anything elxtra thats not involved in the story. Sorry you guys get the short straw! :p


    In Arkiranth, land of myths and magic, there is tragedy that must be fought. However in order for this threat to be sealed, the world will lose magic, forever. Many rebel groups fight to clear the threat from the land. But, many more fight to keep the threat-to keep magic. All the races of the land seem distant from one another in these dark times.

    The noble elves from the forest kingdom Territh. The Elves strive for the threat to be neutralized and peace to return. Unlike the other races of the world, magic is not thier source of power; they gain aid from the earth itself. Few Elves have strayed from the natural order of the woods and given into the darkness of magic. Abandoned; that was the name given to these renegade Elves.

    The rugged dwarfs from Colossus; which is their mountain home. The dwarfs are naturally resistant to the effects of magic and are built like oxen. Because of this they are truly amazing fighters and could take down many men. The dwarfs are also mining aces and were the ones to first discover this threat. It, however, cost many dwarfs there lives and unleashed a major threat.

    The humans are the most versatile and the most recent race; they are also the most destructive. They inhabit most of the lands and build castles. They use more magic then the dwarfs or the elves. Humans can also fall victim to many unpleasant diseases, such as vampirism and lycanthropy. These diseases can be transferred or can be invoked from a ritual ceremony.

    This threat to the land gave all creatures the powers of magic, but that come at a great cost. The threat can kill many and if you survive which is common, you become corrupted. It causes you to lose all control over your body, you have no feeling of pain and try to kill everyone-everything. When corrupted from the “threat” your body impales itself with the same substance that caused the poisoning; forcing even greater changes to the body, sometimes granting you the powers of self resurrection, it might even allow you to live without a head or even if you got chopped into pieces. This very dangerous substance causes these effects in its solid form, while in a liquid from grants you the powers of magic. It is unknown how it is changed from solid to liquid. This substance of destruction and of power was called arcane…

    Chapter One: The Darkest Ritual

    The cool wind was blowing through the air as the rusted graveyard gate squeaked. The leaves were changing colours and they were falling of the tree caught by the breeze. The moon was out and the clouds dark and grey. The Day was October 31 and within the fenced graveyard there was something happening. A Dark Ritual was underway and the helpless spectators were destined to play a role in the events of this night but none could expect the outcome…

    “Take your place inside the circle.” A young man, hardly even 17 was giving instructions to another man roughly the same age. A few feet away was a circle of hooded figures and 4 people were tied up within the circle. A young girl about 8 years old, she was crying and parts of her long brown hair was ripped out. Across from her was a boy about 14. He was struggling to get away through he was held down. He had bruises all over his body. To the side of him was an older woman about 38. She too was crying and bagging for them to let her ago to no avail. And across from her was a man about 42 years old. He was strong and smart. But he was unconscious and unable to do anything about the events unfolding in front of him.

    The man walked into the center of the circle and the acolytes begin to chant. The boy looked at him with rage while the girl and woman look at him pleading to be let free.

    With the blood of men we ask,
    That you give us the blood curse,
    To be bestrode upon this man.
    And for it to again be pasted,
    Upon the victims of this man,
    And that life be never ending.
    From the corpses of these four,
    We pray for the blood curse,
    And for a new world, a new race.

    “Now bring forth the first sacrifice!” Three of the acolytes picked up the unconscious man and tied him up by them limbs. The speaker looked over at the man in the middle of the circle in disgust. “Are you sure you want to do this, it can’t be undone, I mean there-“

    “Be quiet Oron! Just say the ritual and ill deal with the rest! Now continue from where you left off!” Angrily he walked over the man tied up and too the three acolytes. They all pulled out long knives and held them in there clenched had awaiting the next words.

    “Fine… The blood curse asks that for immortality to be reached the first sacrifice be long and painful! Now raise your blades and cut!” Oron turned around and looked away unable to watch how they were going to kill the man.

    The first two acolytes cut the man’s wrists and the blood came out and covered the knives. The blood was dripping from the man’s fingers and dropping to the ground creating a dripping noise. The last acolyte used his knife and slowly cut the man’s throat and the blood came out ad flowed like a river as he gagged waking up just in time to see his killer before everything turned black…

    Oron watched as the man was cut down and discarded. He was thankful that the darkness of night hided the blood of the man so he could only see the shadows moving in the distance. Remembering the words told to him he fought back his stomach and said the next words. “Now that immortality is reached we shall ask that the lord of blood grant this man with vision sharp enough to pierce the darkness that is night! Bring forth the next sacrifice!”

    Two acolytes brought forth the woman and dropped her to her knees. She was crying a lot now and the acolytes each levelled there knife with the bottom of the woman’s eyes. Oron looked away again as they did this ritual sacrifice. The knifes plunged into the eye socket and ripped the eye right out leaving her blind. The thick blood flowed down her face and onto the ground. The horrid shriek let out by the woman right there was the worst Oron ever heard and wished he never would have needed to. The acolytes continued inward with there blade driving into her brain and killing her quickly.

    Her body was thrown on top of the mans and Oron looked back around and was shocked by the words passing his lips. “The vision has been given to the lord and now he asks that the teeth of the third be sacrificed!” Two more acolytes brought up the young boy and laid him down on a altar of stone. They brought out two large cleavers and levelled them to the boys upper and lower jaw. The Boy let out a horrid shrill and started to struggle but he wasn’t strong enough to over power the acolytes. Oron couldn’t take it anymore “Valthric you need to stop this! He is just a boy!”

    Valthric turned to look at Oron and he yelled at him. “Oron! Do what you’re here to do and nothing else! This was my choice any more interruptions and you will be joining them!” Valthric looked back at the boy and waited for what was next.

    The Acolytes brought up there cleavers and chopped down onto the gums of the young boy. The blood splashed up on the acolytes and teeth were flying all around the place. The cleavers were stuck in the boy but his shrills, his cries, his determination were all gone, he lay motionless waiting for the acolytes to add him to the pile. Oron just escaped the last massacre but one of the boys teeth found there way to him and it lay at his feat.

    Oron turned back around in time to see another body added to the growing pile. “The lord asks for one more sacrifice! He asks that you take the life of the last, of the youngest!” Oron looked over at Valthric hoping that he would say knew he couldn’t but he knew that Valthric was lost and he was never coming out of his insanity.

    Valthric took out a small dagger and gripped it tight in his clenched fist. The final acolyte took the young girl and held her in place as Valthric walked up to her with the dagger. She was crying silently. “I will take a life to serve the lord of blood better!” The girls eyes opened wide and it looked like she just gave up hope and waited for the piece of the grave.

    Those were the words that Oron feared; this was not the boy he grew up with. This man in front of him now was a monster. Oron looked over at the girl and he started to cry slightly. “She is just a little girl! Let her live! Its not worth it! You already killed 3 people for this stupid cause!” Valthric turned to Oron.

    “Oron, my dear friend, I chose you as speaker because I though you of all people would support my every choice! I guess I was wrong, I can trust no one, and when this is all over, you will be the blood curses first victim! What an honour for you!”

    Oron look at Valthric shocked by those words and he was unable to look away from the scene in front of him. The acolytes lined up and started the cant again in the behind the girl and she kneeled crying and she looked upon Valthric and cried silently “Valthric…”

    Valthric brought up the dagger above the girls head and brought it back. “This is good bye, dear sister…” The dagger plunged downward.

    Oh, and this is not in the Writers corner because i want suggestions on it becuase im trying to make it 50,000 words by the end of November. I also want it to be fun and interesting to read.
  2. XXXconanXXX

    XXXconanXXX Cocktails anyone?

    +277 / 0 / -0
    It's very good. You give a good description of the surrounding events, and a good sense of emotion of what's going on. Your portayal of it is nice as well, and I really like the chant.

    However, it seems to move a bit to quickly for such a dark and brooding event. You seem to be explaining it from an emotionless, unopionated stream of consciousness outside the story, which doesn't do to well at capturing the reader's soul into what is going on. If the perspective was more up close, and really explained the tension going on, I think it'd really improve upon an already fantastic read.

    Either way, I really like it, and am looking forward to the next chapters. Please keep it up, and I'll definitely be reading the next entries. :)
  3. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Thanks Conan ill get around to fixing up chapter one now that two is out.
    Woot! Chapter 2!

    Ok, remember that this chapter is about introducing Luna and Tharon. Along with the discription of Vampires and Werewolfs. There is no action so you might find it some what boring. Also, dont tell be to discribe the characters better. Why? I like to leave some up the the imagination of the reader. I dont like it when im told exactly how they look.

    Chapter Two: Sun and Moon

    250 years later…
    The sun was bright and the sky clear. The canopy was thick but the suns rays made it through brightening the forest floor. All the animals of the forest were going about there business finding food or even just sleeping. All was peaceful in the forest. Hidden within the lush canopy was the elves city of Territh, and within was a young elf whose destiny had not yet been unravelled. Tharon sat peacefully along the river flowing through Territh.

    Tharon was a Druid apprentice. The Druids roll in society was to be a representative of earth. And Arcane was the poison that plagues it. Being an apprentice Tharon was nothing special in the elves society, he was not asked to for guidance nor was he frowned upon. His training was to become one with the earth in both body and mind. Arcane was not his path, he called to earth to defeat his enemies and when the earth was unable to help him his sword would be more than enough to stop the enemies.

    Tharon took his training seriously but he also didn’t want to be restricted to the forest for ever. Exploring was what he always wanted to do but he couldn’t continue his training if he left. Arcane was the source of problems and the reason that he became a druid. It has been 100 years since the discovery of Arcane by the dwarfs but the dwarfs are still crippled from that incident, even since then the dwarfs and elves have bee cut off in there trading and are only open to the humans because of there threats.

    With a sight he walked down the dirt path through Territh. All the houses were made of wood or were burrows made into the earth but they are all kept warm through druid’s magic. The shops seemed out of stalk on almost anything and food was becoming short supply. Most of there supplies were crafted inside of Colossus but now that trading has been cut off they were becoming expensive and few.

    It was getting tough for the elves in this time of tragedy. If things continued they might all die out. There hope was to remove arcane and for the dwarfs to get stronger and able to supply the elves again. Druids had a great responsibility, tonnes of the elves look at them as a hope. They think that the Druids were going to put an end to the arcane but Tharon had doubts that this is true.

    His powers allowed him to manipulate the earth and use it for good or for destruction and he was on his way back to the Academy of Druidistic Arts. He trained there he lived there. But he didn’t know that he would leave there…


    The Moon rose into the sky, and the animals went into there sleep. The forest was pitch black and you could barley see two feet in front of your nose. The owls and bats woke up and did what they do but not only were the bats and owls waking but so was someone else…
    Her skin was dark purple and she had long ears like an elves. Her clothes were made of hides and she had two daggers, one on each boot. She was trained in the arts of stealth and tactics in battle. She had a fairly small frame for her race but she could take down foes twice her size. Unlike others of her species she had beautiful brown eyes. Her name was Luna and she was a Night Elf.

    Everything was in the infrared spectrum allowing her to see in the darkness of night. She moved with the grace of a swan and she looked rather harmless. The night was a dangerous time no matter where you are. She had to keep her sight focused and her smarts with her. Most predators come out at night and this is the time arcane was most reactive. But, these predators were not bears or other large mammals…

    These predators are beings of night born for dark rituals or through horrible diseases. They were the Vampires and the Werewolves. The vampires resembled large bats. There wings were strong and there claws sharp. But being bit by a vampire will cause the disease to be passed upon you and on a few days you become one. The Werewolves were large wolves on there hind lags. There teeth are sharp and claws like razors. Unlike the Vampire they are not contagious and can only be born through a ritual. Vampires can be born through a ritual too but they require sacrifices.

    Luna crouched along the shrubs and she could see a large presence of heat coming from a fair distance away. As she approached she noticed there were the elves, most like she stumbled upon Territh. Her kind are similar to the elves of Territh but they never got along on good terms. She kept her distance and her brains with her as she crept along avoiding the Elves and making her way around them.

    The shrubs were rather dry and made some noise but she didn’t think the elves would hear her. She must have been right to because no one paid her any attention. But it wasn’t because of her silence it was because a vampire flew over head of the town and the village was in an uproar.

    Luna stood in thought for a second. She could help them but they wouldn’t be thankful, she was a night elf. But if she didn’t then some one could die or worse, become a vampire them selves. She had no real choice; her conscious wouldn’t let anyone die if she could help it. She charged in with her daggers in hand.
  4. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    That's a great story. Try to tell about the land and setting around the characters more, it helps get a clearer picture in your head. Also the Prologue was a little bland. You seemed to be telling it in essay form. Try to make it more foreboding, mysterious, instead of just explaining some history. I understand why you might need that history, but try to fit it into more of what I just said. Just my advice.

    Anyways awesome story.
    • Like Like x 2
  5. XXXconanXXX

    XXXconanXXX Cocktails anyone?

    +277 / 0 / -0
    This chapter is very good, and you really seemed to fix it up and really portray it in a much better style.

    The only gripe I have, with both chapters, is your use of commas. (Or lack thereof) Commas are your best friend for stories like this. The pace seems too fast, and it's because of your likes of commas. Commas give necessary pauses, and are especially good for invoking a great sense of emotion and elegance in any story.

    The only time that this isn't relevant is writing from a completely unbiased and emotionless stream of consciousness outside of a story, such as a guide or interview. But with stories such as this, your main goal is to grip the reader, and strangle them with a good sense of emotion, great dialogue and inner monologue.

    Also, as a side note, excruciating and painful experiences should use excruciating and painful adjectives. In the perfect scenario, you want to make the reader wince in pain at just how well you portrayed the brutal killing of a human being.

    I'll use a passage from your story as an example.

    "The first two acolytes cut the man’s wrists and the blood came out and covered the knives. The blood was dripping from the man’s fingers and dropping to the ground creating a dripping noise. The last acolyte used his knife and slowly cut the man’s throat and the blood came out ad flowed like a river as he gagged waking up just in time to see his killer before everything turned black…"

    In my own style, I would write this as such:

    "The first two acolytes cut the man’s wrists, blood oozing out and painting the knives in a crimson glow. Blood dripped from the man's fingers, falling to the ground and echoing it's distinctive sound. The last acolyte used his knife, slowly and painful slicing through the man's throat, cutting the veins and ripping the flesh as the blood flowed forth like a crimson river. He woke up, just in time to see the dark face of his killer, his vision fading out and turning black as he slipped further into unconsciousness..."

    But that's just me. That's how I would write it; my point is, commas and rather painful adjectives are your best friend in situations such as these. Overall, commas are a very powerful form of punctuation, and should be used frequently, but also sparingly.

    Anyways, fantastic story overall, and I can't wait for the next chapters.
  6. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Thanks for the feed back guys. Here is another prologue:

    Prologue II

    “Oi! Hurry up will ye? We need teh get these minerals to colossus today!” The Angry dwarf was shouting down at his workers picking the minerals from the rich walls of there mountain home. They could be used for trade, for fuel, even for creating great weaponry.

    “We be doin’ all we can! Grab your pick axe and help us!” The dwarf said as he picked the minerals from the walls of the mountain, huffing and groaning from each swing of his mighty arms.

    The dwarfs continued to bash through the mountain and talking the minerals as they go. But as one dwarf was chipping away the wall collapsed. The rocks rained down and the dwarf barely got away from it. “Whoa! The walls be collapsin’ on us!” A purple glow illuminated forth from the hole where the wall used to be.

    The Dwarfs surrounded the hole and made there way in. “Tis be dark in ‘ere. ‘Course in not countin’ the purple glow. You sure it is safe?” As he said these words the dwarfs laid there eyes on a mineral never before seen and it was large and plentiful.

    “Tis be ‘nough ‘ere ta keep some and sell the rest! Teh Dwarfs will be rich after this!” The dwarf took his pick axe up and started to run towards the new minerals but the supervisor stoped him and took his axe.

    “Tis not be your place to be first! My party found it, I’ll be first!” He took the pick axe up and when to chop the mineral in half. When the axe meet with the mineral the axe broke and left no scratch on the surface. The Dwarf to take the swing took at least a minute to get back from his shock.

    “Tis be a mineral stronger than Mithril!” The Dwarfs yelled with joy and bounced happily at there discovery. Surely if they got a hold of this mineral and managed to craft it to weaponry they would finally take back there place as the leading race! Finally, ahead of the Humans and Elves! They named there newly discovered mineral “Arcane”.
    Dont say. "But i thought arcane was poisonous" Because it still is, the dwarfs all died. Now, what i want ot know is what prologue should i use? This one gives less history about all the race and other stuff like that. But it seems more interesting.
    Chapter Three: Strength of the Elves​

    The Vampire flew through the trees as all the elves ran around. They were not trained in combat and only the druids new any form of magic. Luna tossed one of her daggers which dug into the side of the vampire’s chest. He let of a horrifying shrill of pain and it did a loop in the air and charge back towards its attacker.

    The vampire grabbed at Luna but she dodged it in time. With her other dagger she tossed it, striking its left wing, because of that it wasn’t hurt to bad but it flew with a limp. The vampire landed and pulled out the daggers with its clawed feet. He kicked the hilts of the daggers sending them spiralling back at Luna. She dodged the first as it dug into the trunk of a tree. But the send dagger hit her on the shoulder sending pain all through he arm and blood down her chest.

    The Vampire stalked in for its kill. Enjoying every second of her pain, he crouched around her neck and opened his mouth ready to bite. He fangs sank down, but not into flesh, it was into wood. Confused the Vampire back up and in front of him was a wall of wood and bark. Swiftly he turned around to face a druid.

    Tharon began another chant, sending the earth shacking under the vampire’s feet and barbed vines grabbed hold of its feet and lags. As his chant continued the vines tightened around the vampire. Blood oozing from his many punctured wounds, the vampire tried to breath but its breath was just lost. He tried to claw the vines off but they were just replaced by a new vine putting him back at where he started.

    Luna opened her eyes but instead of seeing a bright light she saw a wall make of wood and bark. Working he way around the wall she could hear a squeal of the vampire and the chanting of a druid. Surely enough on the other side was a druid taking care of the vampire. But over head flew another vampire and it swooped down to strike the back of the druid. “Look out! Behind you!” was all the warning she managed as the vampire struck the back of the druid, sending him into his own wall.

    Tharon got up just in time to see the vampire get carried of by the other. Non of his magic was able to get to them, he was just an apprentice, he couldn’t control wind and air, but some day he might be able to. The elf who gave him the warning was more shocking then the vampire them selves, she was a night elf, should he be thankful, or not? She was the elves racial enemy, like the humans and dwarfs, or vampires and werewolves.

    “Beaten by a druid and a rogue? Wait until He hears about this, I had to save you form your death!” The Vampire say as she flew off with the other bleeding vampire in her claws. They were flying off towards a deserted town, well it was ever since the vampire came.

    “Don’t start your laugh yet, Krys, You would have done much worse then I did. I managed to injure the night elf, and the druid snuck up on me!” He tried to fly away but Krys held him in place. Though, he would have just plummeted, his wings are torn and his bones aching.

    “Well, Seth, we will find out when we get you to the mansion wont we?” The town cam into view, the building were torched and crumbling, except for the huge mansion in the middle of town. But even more incredible was the fact that there must have been hundreds of vampires flying though the streets, it would be a suicide to enter this town.
  7. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    I like the second prologue way better, because it invokes more mystery, instead of the more essay-ish of the first one. Maybe try to make the dwarves sound less stupid, too, I didn't get the feel of age old magic and legend and power from them as I think I was supposed too.

    Anyways second prologue way better.
  8. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Thanks. The dwarfs are supose to sond like that. There gruff brutes. And your not supose to get a feeling of magic. Basically there minnig for minerals to make armors and weapons but discover arcane crystals. The arcane is in other places but the dwarfs were first ot discover them. since arcane is toxic the dwarfs suffer sevearly.
    here is a map i drew of the currently known world (for this book).


    Stars- Capitals (Colossus, Territh, etc...)
    Dots- Villages/Citys

    Dark Green- Heavily Forested
    Light green- Light forest/plains
    Brown- mountainous
    Blue- river
    Chapter Four: The True Elves​

    “What is a night elf doing in the elven city Territh? Your kind was banished after the elven war!” Tharon’s tone of voice didn’t match the way he looked. Although his voice was giving the sound of authority and power, his face was filled with curiosity. “Were you the one who brought that vampire here?” Slipping into the realm of nature, speaking out to the earth, he prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best as he eagerly awaited her response.

    “Please. I am not an enemy! I tried to fight of the vampire and save the elves here. I was trying to help. It was not me in the elven war, nor was it any of the other night elves but it was out ancestors. We are not responsible for the war but we live with the consequences.” Luna spoke as she tried to ignore the searing pain going through her arm and now into her chest. She has heard druids had healing powers but to ask for aid was a sign of weakness, so cannot disappoint her father, not after what he did for her.

    Tharon let out a slight sigh. He held no grudge against the night elves, the war is in the past, yet the council refuses to allow night elves back. He knew that this girl thinks he is one of the elves that hate the night elves. “I-I didn’t mean it like that, its just, being seen with you could get me in lots of trouble, even banishment from my trainings. I hold no grudge against your race, though, sadly, I am forced to.” Tharon looked over at her shoulder is was bleeding from where the dagger struck her.. “If you would allow, could I heal your injury?”

    Luna looked down at her shoulder, relieved that he offered to heal it. She gladly accepted it as she cleaned off her daggers on the grass. The druid came over to her and put his hand inches away from the wound. His eyes were tinted green as he chanted and the grass danced with out the wind. Her pain subsided, and then the wound started to close. “Thank you, my name is Luna. What is yours?”

    “My name is Tharon. It’s a pleasure to meet you Luna. Though, we should probably go, of we get caught, I could get exiled and you…” He trailed off leaving Luna hanging on his words. Although he didn’t say it, he could tell she knew what he was talking about just from her facial expression. “It was a pleasure and until next we meet, this is good bye.”

    Tharon got up and began his walk but he was stopped in his place by vines and roots around his lags. Looking back he saw Luna completely strapped down from the vines. He tried to enter the realm of nature and remove the roots but a force stronger then his held them in place. From behind the trees emerged two elves, Arc Druid Garth and Lord Eth’rale.

    “Apprentice, you ruin the name of the druids by being seen with a night elf! Even worse, you aided one! The court will decide your fate! Lord Eth’rale here, has seen this crime, I’m sure it will not turn out well for you.” Garth stalked up ahead to Tharon and looked him in the eyes before continuing onto the night elf.

    “No need to retrieve the rest of the council. As me being a witness to this horrendous crime I am able to decide the fate of these two.” Eth’rale walked up to Tharon and inspected him. “Ah, Tharon is it? Yes I was told great things about you. Arc Druid here said you were one of the finest druids he has trained in his many years.”

    “That’s true I did, but that shouldn’t stop the punishment! If we let him off then the other elves might break rules too! There might be night elves all around us when its over!” Garth narrowed his eyes at those last words and looked down to the girl at his feet. “Like her…”

    “True enough, thank you Garth.” Eth’rale turned his attention back to Tharon. “Very well, I have decided your fate. You my young druid, receive Banishment from our order! And As for your Night Elven friend here… Death, by decapitation, lets make it a public showing shall we Garth? It would raise the elves moral.”

    “Brilliant idea Eth’rale! But keep her lover here away from it, he might make a scene.” Garth gave Tharon a evil glare and a smirk. “It’s a shame; she sure is pretty for a night elf. To bad she is destined to Death.”

    “But why? What did these night elves do? There not there ancestors! They were not the ones who started the war! Its unfair, your as cruel as the vampires and humans!” Tharon yelled at them both and he spitted on the Arc druid. “You were not a vary good teacher.”

    Garth’s face turned red as he wiped the spit form his shirt. “Silence you incompetent fool! The night elves destroyed out race beyond repair! We lost ten thousand strong elves! We are only at a mere five thousand now! The humans grow larger almost constantly. The Vampires and Werewolves are out growing us! We will end up like the dwarfs soon. Slowly dieing without any one helping us! Is that what you want?”

    “No its not what I want! But what about the night elves! There only two thousand strong, probably less now. Can we really turn out backs and let them die off? Its injustice! I thought the elves were a kind, peaceful race. I guess I was wrong.”

    “We let the night elves back we will both Die! Its sad, but I guess you were wrong.” Garth’s face filled with rage at the constant annoyance. Why couldn’t he just accept this fact like all the other elves?

    “Enough of this bickering! Garth go back and prepare the Guillotine. As for you Tharon and your lover of a dark elf, well its hard for an unconscious man to struggle isn’t it?” Eth’rale pulled out a large blunt club and before Tharon could put up a defence The world turned black.
  9. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Chapter Five: A Risky Break

    Tharon opened his eyes and everything was blurry. He could make out two guards and some bars. When he finally gained his sight back he realised he was imprisoned. “Hey you two, what’s going on here? I was banished from the order! Not sentenced to prison!”

    “Well, well, he woke up did he? Sorry buddy, but they don’t want you interfering at the execution. Thanks to you we have to wait her instead of seeing it. You’re lucky they gave me orders not to kill you.” The guard gave a slight laugh then he when back to his position.

    Thinking Tharon tried to come up with some idea to escape from his jail. He had to save Luna. She might be a night elf, but she was still innocent. “Hey when is the execution scheduled for?”

    “The night elf is scheduled to die, oh right now! It looks like it already to late for you to save her, she is already dead!” This time both guards laughed long and hard. “Than doesn’t mean we can free you though, we need to wait for Eth’rale to give us the ok.”

    Looking around the room he noticed the floor was made of dirt. He just got a brilliant idea but he wasn’t sure if the earth here is still active. Entering into the realm of nature he called out to it asking from its help. The earth was still active but for how long? The ground here has been dieing slowly, it might not have enough left. A small vine dug its way out of the ground and it crept along the walls to the key. One of the guards saw it and brought his sword down on it and chopped it in half.

    “Ah druid, that puny thing wont help you, you stuck here until Eth’rale comes.” As he said that a larger vine wrapped around the hilt of the guards sword and took it away.

    “Surprise!” The vine swung the sword around and around. The blade cleaved the guards head right off. Blood sprayed out and flowed down his falling torso. The vine then tossed the sword into the other guards shoulder. The guard was too occupied from the excitement that he didn’t realize the small vine brought Tharon the key and he escaped. “Now, where is he execution being held?”

    The guard tried to spit on him but only blood came out, flowing down his chest. “Ill never tell you! Betraying your own race! You are worse then the dark elves!” he tried to get up but the sword was stuck between two of the bricks, thus holding him in place.

    “Fine, I can find it myself!” Tharon took the sword out, wiping the blood from it. He looked back and the guard. “Well, I’ll be seeing you.” Tharon ran out the doors off to find the execution sight. He was being fallowed out, by an elf crawling and bleeding.


    The moon was at its peak in the sky but the elves were out. Lots of them surrounding a guillotine, a night elf was to be executed for entering elven ground. The people waited anxiously for what was to happen, they waited, and they waited. Soon enough though, Lord Eth’rale and the Arc druid Garth came out of the hut dragging behind them the night elf. She was tied up and struggling but she was unable to break free of the bonds. “Struggle all you want. It will be over soon enough.” Eth’rale got up on the stand and spoke out to the elves. “This night elf not only entered our domain but she brought vampires with her! If me and the Arc Druid didn’t show up you could have died because of this elf! She must be punished!”

    The crowd cheered and jumped excitedly. “Now we will give this night elf what she deserves, death!” Eth’rale tossed Luna onto the guillotine and two elves straitened her out. The moon was full and the clouds were gone. The wind was picking up and the guillotine was creaking above her. “Now, Death shall be delivered!”

    The crowd cheered on and Garth and Eth’rale took a stand on each side of her. But among the crowd one elf was not cheering he had blood on his clothes and a sword in his hand. He walked up to the guillotine. Eth’rale and Garth both looked at him then to the sword. “Tharon!” He jammed the sword by Luna’s face, with the handle sky wards. She let out a shriek then the guillotine dropped, hitting the sword hilt, stopping, for now.

    Tharon kicked Garth down and out of his way as he picked up Luna still tied. He ran as fast as he could with her but he wasn’t going fast enough. “Stop them! Archers! Archers!” A row of archers popped up and rained arrows down at Tharon and Luna. A wall of earth rose up and took the arrows back down with it. After that, they were unseen and the guillotine chopped down the rest of the way.

    Chapter Six: On the Run​

    Tharon placed Luna down and he untied her ropes. She was still unconscious from the clubbing she received from Eth’rale. Bruises covered her body showing that she received many strikes with the club. He tried to enter the realm of nature but he couldn’t, the realm was out of his reach, he called for its aid to much recently. Tharon knew of some of the forests herbs that could be used to help heal her bruises, or at least numb the pain that she would feel when she woke up. But he couldn’t just leave her here. There would be a search party out looking for them by now. He picked Luna up and placed her over his shoulder. He would have to take her with him.

    The trees grew large around Territh, it was said that the first Druid asked the earth to do so in order to hide the village, though, some think its just natural. The plants on the floor of the forest were as dangerous as the animals. Some have been known to be poisonous or even carnivorous. He was looking form a moon lily. It healed bruises and were usually found on water. Luck enough there was a lake not far from Territh.

    As he walked he could hear the river flowing. He must be near, if he fallows the river he should find the lake quickly. And surely enough he did. The lake was calm and lay motionless. The bright moon reflecting off its surface, the lilies bloom in this type of environment. Moon Lilies spanned all around the bank of the lake. He rested Luna down on the shore as he went to go collect some of the flowers.

    As she opened her eyes she could feel pain all through he body. She could remember the elf beating her with his club but everything else was a blank. She could see Moonlit lake but has no idea how she got here. Her arms and lags had burns where she must have been tied. She reached to her boots but her daggers were not there. She must have had them taken away. She tried to get up but fell back down. Then a hand from behind grabbed her shoulder. “Not so fast, you took a beating back there.” She knew that voice.

    “…Tharon?” She turned and say his face and he held some leaves in his other hand. “What am I doing here? What are you doing here?” It seemed like she had so many questions, she didn’t understand.

    “Eth’rale and Garth caught us remember?” He started to crush and rub the leaves together between his palms. “They were going to execute you on the guillotine.” The leaves were gone and there was a powder of leaf bits on his palm. He his free hand he poured water on it creating a lick paste-the leaves absorbed the water.

    “…You saved me again.” It was the second time he saved her even though she was a night elf, his racial enemy. “Thank you, I owe you so much.” She tried getting up again but she fell back down. This time his hand wasn’t there to help her.

    “You owe me nothing.” He put the paste all over his hands. “This paste will help with the bruises and the pain.” He rubbed it on the spots were the bruises were visible, and then gave the rest to her. “You can continue the rest. I need to think of a plan of what to do now. If the elves find us were both dead. There surely execute me after such an act of high treason.” Luna started to apply the paste as she listened to him talk and ramble on.

    “…We could seek help from my kind. They would e able to help us.” She got up and didn’t fall over, the pain seemed gone. “how long does this paste work for?”

    “It should last long enough for us to get away from Territh. The dark elves would kill me on sight. Besides were are they to be found?” His words came out harsher then they were meant to. She was trying to help him, he should be nicer to her.

    “…You’re right. The night elves would be a bad idea.” She sat on a rock and let her head fall. “What other choices do we have though?” She looked over to Tharon for guidance. He saved her life twice and she would never forget it.

    “...Colossus, we could go to the dwarfs! Elves and dwarfs were always allies, well until they broke off because of the arcane massacre. We could go there, take a boat from Darkwood Port.” He looked over to Luna. “We could just fallow the river it leads right to it!”

    “Even I we do get to Darkwood, would the dwarfs help us? There in hardships themselves.” She looked across the lake. To the river, then she could hear the sound of foot steeps in the distance. “We got to go either way, there coming!”

    Tharon could hear it to. “Darkwood is out best bet. “The dwarfs are humble, they wont turn away those in need.” The foot steeps got closer. “Quickly, can you hold your breath?” The foot steeps grew even closer. “no choice into the water!” the both plunged in.


    The water was dark and murky but Tharon could make out the face of Luna, only inches away from him. A shadow was cast over the lake above them. It seemed to resemble a human but it had difference which made it look more like a beast. It approached the side of the lake and crouched down. A claw came through the water and grabbed Tharon’s shoulder pulling him out.

    Luna quickly surfaced after him to see what was happening. Tharon was sitting on the ground, but in front of him was no elf, no man, but a werewolf.
  10. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Hey! Something you might find cool/interesting! Pie is a type of food!:p

    But to what i realy was going to say. I am going to write little short stories telling of the characters pasts. I think it would add more understanding to the world and to the character. But ill make another thread for the short stories so keep an eye out!

    Chapter Seven: A Dangerous Ally​

    “Werewolf!” Luna jumped up to her feet and reached for her daggers to only meet with empty boots. She still ran at the werewolf. He had Tharon in his hand and he could easily kill the druid. Even if she couldn’t stop the werewolf, she might be able to help save Tharon.

    “Hold fast, young night elf!” The werewolf’s words were strong and full of a commanding tone. The night elf stopped about 5 paces from him. “I will not kill your elven friend here. Us werewolves are not as corrupt as the vampires and humans.” The werewolf planted Tharon down on his feet next to Luna. “As it would seem, I am hunting, but for vampires. I have been fallowing two of them for some time. Perhaps you have seen them?”

    Tharon looked over to Luna who obviously had no plan to talk. “Y-yes, we have seen them. They attacked-well one attacked Territh; the other saved him while we had him begging.” Tharon look at Luna who clearly had no plan to do anything until he gave her some signal. Of course, she was a rogue, she could strike quick and fast, he had to be careful not to give her any hints to attack, it might lead to her death.

    “I see, well they are probably headed back to their ghost town.” But you say you had it begging? That’s quite a feet, even for a werewolf of my strength.” He looked over Luna; she was small and didn’t appear too dangerous. Tharon was taller then Luna, but he was just as scrawny, but he was an elf, most likely a druid.

    “Ghost town? The vampires have there own town to hide in!” The werewolf looked over at Luna. She seemed shocked and yet, she wasn’t too surprised. “Oh, there town, is it, Dusk?”

    The werewolf gave a slight sigh. “Yes, well, it was formally Dusk. Though now it’s just a forgotten empire.” The Werewolf took a few steeps into the forest before he turned back to look at Tharon and Luna. “The werewolves could use help fighting back the vampires. Your help would be appreciated.”

    “Well what do you think? Should we go with him?”

    Luna gave Tharon a look of shock. “We can’t! He is a werewolf, there is no way we can trust him!”

    “We don’t have much of a choice, either we go with him. Or we can stay here and face the inevitable wrath of the elves! Either way, I’m going, we’re safer with him then the elves.” Tharon turned and left towards the Werewolf. “Hang on I’m coming!”

    Luna had to think for a second. She couldn’t trust the werewolves, but the elves would find her eventually. If she kept her wits about her she would be fine, right? “Ok, ok, ill go too.” She ran to catch up with Tharon and the strange werewolf. “I’m Luna, this is Tharon. What is your name?”

    “Names are just titles, they are of no importance, though if you must know. I go by the name of Ulrik.” The werewolf started to sprint off. “Make haste! When we get to out camp, ill introduce you to our leader. His name is Oron.”


    “You have got to be the most incompetent archers I know!” Garth was yelling at the archers for there failure to stop a druid and a night elf. “it was just two of them!” His rage was building, he knew he couldn’t blame them, a druid had the capabilities to stop a barrage of arrows. It was one of there first spells that they are trained with, and Tharon was an amazing student.

    Eth’rale came over to him bringing a elf who was severely injured. Garth quickly healed his wounds so he could say what he needed. “Tharon, he escaped out prison.” He could see the face angry face of the arc druid, but he didn’t truly know the reason, well the reason he thought was wrong. Also, judging by Eth’rale’s hysterical laughter he quickly figured out he was in trouble.

    Eth’rale leaned over to the doomed elf. “He already saved her, he already escaped our grips. You’re useless, you know that? And now you have some serious problems.” He backed away to see what Garth had planed for this elf.

    “You damned fool! We already knew that! Take him away! To the torture chambers! When there done with you, you would have wished that druid killed you…” the elves behind him grabbed the elf and brought him off. “Eth’rale, surely this visit has more to do then just the incompetence of a useless elf.”

    “It does, It does. I have found a quick solution to our, dilemma. He is the best at what he does. He is expensive, though he does the job right and silently. He truly is a marvellous assassin. Easily he could take down out two renegades.” He noticed Garths sudden interest.

    “Excellent! Get him for us! We could use he right away!” Garth started to walk away to his other matters.

    “I already have, he should be here to work out the details in a few days.”

    “Eth’rale, you always know what I want better then I do! Though I must know, what is his name?”

    “Name, he doesn’t have one, his is a wanderer of a group we know all too well. He goes by the name Reaper.” He noticed Garths slight smile at his name.
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    wow, that its AWESOME. Spectacular. incredible. Ebert and Robert gave it two thumbs up! seven stars! No fee to see the movie! COME see IT!

    lol anyway that is really awesome, spectacular, and incredible, on par with any book I've ever read, and I've read The Wheel of time and other such books. read over it, you have a few spelling and grammar mistakes.

    About the dwarves, even IF they are supposed to sound stupid or uneducated or some such I still think make them sound better, it has a large affect on it. (read it again) they just sound so stupid, especially when it says somethign like, "Oi, the wall be collapsin on us!" Its so obvious, I would write it like-
    " Suddenly the wall caved in on top of them, and the dwarves barely managed to avoid the cascade of earth. There was a stunned silence as the dust cleared. "


    The map is great, I like the island concept, but try to make it more expansive (I know its the known world, but still) because otherwise it seems amazingly tiny and clustered.

    You see how that doesn't show them stupid, but still has the same affect? You can use that if you want too. Anyway, Thats just my way and opinion. Sorry if I was too harsh.


    Also, try to make the chapters more spaced/longer, even if you are going to do a lot of them.

    (third edit, lol)

    You should read my story, "The Elite" I'd like too see what you would have to say about it, your a great writer.
    (Fourth Edit, I need to really shut up)

    Theres a sentence, "You have to be the most incompetent archers I know!"

    Maybe change that too, "You have to be the most incompetent archers in existance!" it seems to fit better with his anger.
  12. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    I can se what you mean. I'll try to keep the accent but make them more edjemucated(spelt improperly for humour purposes) And its ont to harsh. I post for adivce. :) and you have been helpful. Oh and thanks about saying its as good as some of the books you have read. I get my insperation from R.A Salvatoire's Legend of Drizzt and Dave Duncan's Kings Blades. I would suggest them, there amazingly good.

    Edit: Becuase of your edit:
    I actually plan on making a series of books. This is oging to be book 1 of the Arcane Corruption series, Then next book will be a different time in the time line, could be back in time, could be forward in time. And as such the map changes. So thats what is known on the world currently. You will find out why a little later in the book.

    Well there usually varring depending on how i feel and what needs to be said. Also, i like to keep them short for the sake of posting them here. If it is always brought out in long chapters people might say "No way am i reading all that!" People alread probably think that. :p

    Ill go do that now!

    Oh and becuase you have been so helpfull is it ok if i name one of my characters after you? Halahan the Mage. :cool:

    Edit 2:

    Could a Mod change the title of this thread to Arcane Corruption - Birth of Darkness?
  13. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    I would love to let you do that, except its a character in my story, thats why i did it for my username. (as i think you have read) I have this magazine, "Museum Replicas Limited," that sells fantasy and historical swords taht could actually function in battle today. They sell IcingDeath and Twinkle if you want to check out their website,

    That is true about your map, but try to atleast, dont show any more territory, but make the territories you SHOw bigger.
  14. XXXconanXXX

    XXXconanXXX Cocktails anyone?

    +277 / 0 / -0

    I'll read the changes/additions soon. :)
  15. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Thank you! And looking forward to your reply!
  16. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    Pineapple you are my new favorite person on the helper.
  17. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0
    Lol nice. I have many favorites, you, and everyone who said i was sexy.

    I have a few paths i would liek to take for jobs, video game designer, and maybe a author. Though, i sure wont be author because i do horrible in english (bad grammer/spelling-extreamly bad)
  18. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    lol I always joke about my dad wanting to become a park ranger...
    or a brain sergeon. (he actually didnt want to do the second one but it sounds funny when you add it)

    but just take a lot of english and read read read... A TON... and besides spelling is no biggie cause Word can help too...
    I'm gonna be an author (hopefully)... but with all the world problems I think I might also be a scientist (maybe chemisty or World solving tech) or a politician (Spare me!). but I really want to be an author. I wrote a 25,000 novel when I was 11-12 and then after I realized it was no good :banghead: :p :D

    I never called you sexy.... but your a great writer...
  19. Pineapple

    Pineapple Just Smile.

    +576 / 0 / -0

    ood luck becoming a author is hard, thats why it isn't a huge goal to me.

    I know you never said I was but 8 members of TH did, all guys strangly...:rolleyes:
  20. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    +53 / 0 / -0
    Well... follow your interests... (in anything lol)

    thx... I'll need it
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