You want to see a magic trick?
"This is a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out this week:
If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:
-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. (what? you mean God doesn't like Green Day?)
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish. (Well.. I think Jesus must have gotten tarted up a bit on his way)
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols. (hey, isn't the cross a symbol?)
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos. (ew.. i hate needles..)
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.) (because they will slowly take over the world, of course!)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically. (yes, because we are all the same.)
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. (what if the bible is just plain boring?)
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs. (ew)
-Drinks alcohol. (yum.. bacardi!)
-Is suicidal and/or depressed. (everyone is, you fuck.)
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.) (Those are people who just want attention. Again, not everyone is the same. You fuck.)
-Complains of boredom. (no comment...)
-Sleeps too excessively or too little. (so my dad is gothic?)
-Is excessively awake during the night. (so my mom is gothic?)
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) (His light needs a new battery)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone. (cause of people like YOU)
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
meditation.) (yes, of course! That is the only logical reason. You fuck.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. (What. Thefuck.)
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this. (because we all love teachers priests and nuns.)
-Misbehaves at school. (So the principal is a Goth?)
-Misbehaves at home. (so my cat is a goth?)
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (this gave me quite a chuckle. What about the cinnamon toast crunch guy? Is he related to Satan?)
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very
dangerous and should be stopped immediately.) (so my grandma is a goth? she likes the blood in meat)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your
child may watch.) (proper? like Fox news?)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature. (what's wrong with RPGs??)
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. (HEY, aren't YOU using the internet? You fuck.)
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. (so you just stand there, motionless, in a concert? [no offense to you cathy, I read about your APC thing ])
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. (so all the black people at my school are goth?)
-Expresses an interest in sex. (doesn't everyone?)
-Masturbates (hey, you do too)
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual. (that's their choice..)
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. (or something REALLY bad.. like... BIOLOGY!)
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth". (Hooray for Pin-whores!)
-Claims to be a goth. (yes, because we all claim to be so.)
If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
~St. Mary's Catholic Church"