Beth and "N"

[Ninva]

Two short stories I wrote.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/60531662/

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/59012350/

 

[Halahan]

I promise I'll read these soon, but its early and I don't feel like getting into anything right now.

 

[Ninva]

Alright...

 

[Halahan]

lol you sound so hopeless, don't worry I'll read

 

[Ninva]

Are you going to read it? xD You keep saying you will, but how will I know when you do.

 

[Miz]

I do like Beth...
Haven't read N yet
4/5 Stars

 

[Ninva]

Thanks, could you tell me why it was 4/5, please?

 

[Fatmankev]

Wow. Beth was sort of a mind-blower. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't done so much acid so I could understand poetry and stories with deeper meanings more easily, but I still have the sense-of-mind to determine what's a good story and what's not.
I liked it a lot; it was much better written than a lot of the stories I've read on TheHelper, although there were still a few obvious mistakes, such as using concious instead of conscience or problems with word tenses. As far as the story goes, though, it speaks of the ultimate trials of pain and suffering that she must go through to eventually find her true love, and you devised the trials for well with plenty of detail to feel like you're in the place with her. You captured her feelings quite well, depicting one raw emotion after the other that were right for the situation, and at moments I felt as if I could feel her pain, too. And it seems, although I may be wrong (remember, all of the acid), that she was relating these trials to her child, telling of a happy ending after all that she had to suffer through.
Overall, a good piece of work that you should be proud of, but maybe you should go back a proofread it a little bit to make the flow of the story a tad smoother.
I don't feel up to reading your other story right now, but I'll get to it in a day or two. Overall, I'd give the story an 8/10, taking the grammar mistakes and all into account. Keep up the good work.

 

[Ninva]

Wow, thanks. I finally got a good comment on this, besides a "Wow this is really good", or "I was tired, but I thought it sucked..." xD

Anyways, thank you once more. :3 I'm glad you enjoyed it. Anyways, I will one day work on it again, but for now I'm working with newer projects. I still need to learn several things about writing that I am studying now. This story was one of those projects that I felt like sharing. ^_^
"N" was for a contest, so it was a little rushed. I wrote it in an hour or so... I thought it was decent though.

 

[Halahan]

Don't send me a virus or -rep me , but I'm on vacation and only brought a laptop to keep up with anything important. (not that your story isn't important) but as soon as I get back reading this will be the first thing I do.

 

[Ninva]

You're sure going to have a lot of promises to keep when you come back, Halahan. x3

 

[Halahan]

remind me of all of them when I get back, mind like a steel trap, but memory like a cup without a bottom

 

[Fatmankev]

Alright, I got around to reading "N", and I thought that it was pretty decent, too; the concept was very ingenious, and has also given me some ideas for my own story (although if you would prefer that I don't use something akin to your magnifying glass, then I won't). I was a little confused, however, by some of what you wrote.
At first, she thinks that it's a mirror that he's holding, that's reflecting his face and showing one that seems depressed and another that looks happy. Later, she finds out that it's a magical magnifying glass that allowed her to see the invisible writing on the walls; however, if it was a magnifying glass, then why did it reflect his image? Did I simply misinterpret what you wrote, or is there another reason for this?
Either way, it was a fun short story, kept my attention through it, and was definitely worth reading from creativity alone. I really look forward to reading some of your more recent work.

 

[Ninva]

He took the picture so the magnifying glass would show only his head. Supposively he was good photographer along with his journalism.

 

[Fatmankev]

He took the picture so the magnifying glass would show only his head. Supposively he was good photographer along with his journalism.

Ah, I see. Alright, thanks for clarifying.

 

[Halahan]

I, of course read them both, as promised (I always keep my promises ).

Beth:
Complex and deep, you do well and draw me into it even though the plot line is slightly old. that explains how good a writer you are, no matter what the plot.
It does get a little confusing, character wise, so work on that when you write.

N: Short, sweet, and to the point, again draws me in.
describe a little of the objects in the room.

 

[Ninva]

Thanks for reading, Halahan.