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C-Death

I love you
Yeah, I'd suggest you try to get out of that habit, bro. I've got that same exact issue that I've been struggling to rectify for years now, and I'll admit that it's been slow progress. Just about all of my best work has been done with about 0% pre-writing accomplished, but all of my best work has been left unfinished. It's maddening, dude.

That's why I'm writing out all of these characters before I start writing the story - if I know who they are and what they do before I add them to the story, then I'll be able to connect thoughts, characters and the plot itself in a much more organized and successful manner, I suspect. I'm sure you run into the same problems I do, forsaking pre-writing the way you do. It's worth trying out, boss.

I can respect your idea with the sigil 'cuz it's sort of like a murderer's signature... cool concept. Still, I feel like it should be more substantial than that, like it should hold some sort of power or some such after it's in place. But you know, whatever works for your story. Thanks for sharing, dude.
An idea pop'd in to my head (and please provide feedback)
2/3 main characters of mine are brothers, one is a Paladin, and one is a Necromancer. The Paladin uses his light magic to defeat the demon, while the necromancer captures the demon once it's defeated. The necromancer captures the essence of the demon in a gem. Once the demon is captured, it's sigil appears on the gem, kind of like a identification system :p

Still a work in progress.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
Name: Gregory J Helgard
Occupation: Reaper
"Tool of the Trade": Silver Sword

Physical Description:
Standing around 6'2", weighing around 200 lbs., Gregory Helgard can be compared to the stereotypical hard-case detective. His hair is kept short, though the recent years it has been allowed to grow up due to inactivity. Black hair and green eyes. Wide chin, deep set eyes. Narrow shouldered, longer legs and arms than usual.

Tool of the Trade: Helgard's silver sword is actually the legendary silver sword that once belonged to the Grim Reaper himself. Legends speak of it's origins, but no one except the Grim Reaper knows the truth. Some of it's abilities include the fact that it's completely unbreakable and seems to never become dirty. It can also be "called" to it's owner by mere thought. If Helgard is attacked and moves to defend himself empty handed, the sword will materialize in his hand out of his instinct to defend himself.

Abilities: The status of Reaper grants Helgard a few abilities. First and foremost is his ability to see Underworld creatures for what they truly are. This includes seeking through disguises or being able to see and communicate with Ghosts. He is also touchable to ghosts and can touch them in return. He also has limited immunities to some of their abilities. While Spectres apparently have no trouble with their mind abilities toward him, Vampires mind control is virtually useless on him. He also cannot be possessed by ghosts, unless he allows it [which requires an immense amount of focus on his part to accept the ghost into his physical form]

Personality: Gregory Helgard has had a hard life. His mother and father died in a house fire when he was six. Raised by his grandfather who he believed to be a priest, he vowed to avenge his parents death due to a supposed arsonist by becoming a police officer and later a detective. However, when his actions cause his partner's wife and daughter to be murdered, he loses his will to work, loses his job and becomes a heavy drinker. When his grandfather is killed, he is thrown into the life of being a Reaper, finding out from his grandfather's former employer, "Richard" is really the Grim Reaper and that he was not really a priest, but a Reaper under the Grim Reaper's employment. Gregory takes up his grandfather's open position as a Reaper in order to avenge his grandfather's death, but learns more about his family's dark past. Helgard eventually learns that his father knew of his grandfather's occupation and envied his abilities. Knowing that the Reaper status is inherited father to son, Helgard's father becomes impatient and makes a deal with an actual demon for powers to rival that of a reaper. In order to gain these abilities, the father performs a ritual that will sacrifice his wife and son, but is stopped by his own father [Helgard's grandfather] and killed.

More and more is revealed as time goes on. Gregory becomes involved in the politics of Vampires, befriends lost spirits, is hunted by ArchAngels and even discovers a tragic love that has resulted in untold terror across the entire world, all become one woman loved one man instead of another.

--------------------------

Gregory Helgard is the main character of the Graveyard Shift series of detective/fantasy novels I am going to write.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Pretty cool character right there, good that you've got his back story down so well. I liked his blade's ability to materialize in his hands on a whim, and it seems like you have it well-balanced so as to keep him from being too outwardly powerful. I'm not familiar with the powers and features of the creatures in this series, are they the same as in Corruption? In particular, why is it that Specters can affect him with their psychokinetic powers where the Vampires can't? Is there a reason yet, or is that just the way it's gotta be for now?

What is the purpose of a Reaper, to claim souls or some such? You don't delve into too much detail about that, make sure you've got it figured out to something halfway meaningful, ya know? I like the whole story with his family and what not, although you seem to throw in the twist about the father making the pact with demons without giving it much opportunity to develop - might be worth considering having the grandfather injure the father to the point where he's forced into hiding for many years, but eventually reemerges as another antagonist. You certainly wouldn't have to go this route, but I feel like learning the truth behind his parents' deaths wouldn't have as much effect or potential opportunity for dialogue and character growth otherwise.

Still, seems interesting man. I wish you luck in further literary pursuits, Graveyard Shift especially. If you keep at it, it could definitely blossom into something special. Keep it real.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
Corruption is a different series, and therefore, different world.

Every Reaper has different abilities. Gregory's grandfather, for example, showed great immunity to fire and heat, but was virtually powerless against Vampire seduction tactics. Gregory, however, is immune to Vampire abilities. Everyone is different.

Reapers are like the police force of the Underworld. They are tasked by Richard to keep ghosts, vampires, specters and even necromancers and the like in line. Later in the series we discover that Richard creates Reapers to free up his time for another reason.

In a series with undead and demons, you're worried about characters dying and never coming back again? Trust me, Gregory's entire family is met at some point in the series... Even members he doesn't know about! Don't want to ruin the surprise, though.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
To Seth -
Word man, all fitting explanations to my questions. I like the idea of the Reapers as the police force of the Underworld. Neat that they all have abilities unique to them, it's always a bit more interesting. You should make sure to study up on your detective shows and books - they may not depict things exactly as they are in real life, but they know how to weave a story in their world that might be difficult without any prior experience. Personally, I can't write any genre besides fantasy because I'm not knowledgeable of enough real-world situations to make a worthwhile story out of it. The Underworld detective aspect will certainly help ease up on that a little, but he should also call on his skills as a real-world detective in a lot of situations to help solve his problems, I feel.

Good stuff, though. Thanks for sharing.

To C-Death -
Yeah man, that would definitely work - it sounds like it got a sort of 'evil poke'mon' kind of thing going on, which I can totally respect; I think we all loved poke'mon back in elementary school. The two brothers thing sounds a little off, though - Necromancers are inherently evil, raising the dead in order to grant them power. On the reverse, Paladins are, in D&D terms, chaotically good, stomping down the forces of evil in the name of the light or some deity without restraint. Although it's reasonable to have a good-natured necromancer (as is clearly seen in such series as 'Abhorsen'), it's definitely unusual and you need to make sure you have a clear, concise and understandable reason behind his disposition.

But yeah, like the poke'ball demon gems =D
 

C-Death

I love you
To Seth -
Word man, all fitting explanations to my questions. I like the idea of the Reapers as the police force of the Underworld. Neat that they all have abilities unique to them, it's always a bit more interesting. You should make sure to study up on your detective shows and books - they may not depict things exactly as they are in real life, but they know how to weave a story in their world that might be difficult without any prior experience. Personally, I can't write any genre besides fantasy because I'm not knowledgeable of enough real-world situations to make a worthwhile story out of it. The Underworld detective aspect will certainly help ease up on that a little, but he should also call on his skills as a real-world detective in a lot of situations to help solve his problems, I feel.

Good stuff, though. Thanks for sharing.

To C-Death -
Yeah man, that would definitely work - it sounds like it got a sort of 'evil poke'mon' kind of thing going on, which I can totally respect; I think we all loved poke'mon back in elementary school. The two brothers thing sounds a little off, though - Necromancers are inherently evil, raising the dead in order to grant them power. On the reverse, Paladins are, in D&D terms, chaotically good, stomping down the forces of evil in the name of the light or some deity without restraint. Although it's reasonable to have a good-natured necromancer (as is clearly seen in such series as 'Abhorsen'), it's definitely unusual and you need to make sure you have a clear, concise and understandable reason behind his disposition.

But yeah, like the poke'ball demon gems =D
Well, as weak as this sounds, this is what I have been running with:
After the death of the two characters parents (oh, that's original) the brothers went their separate ways. One of them, the Paladin, was better able to deal with their parents death, and decided to spend his life doing good for others.

The other one became filled with nothing but rage and hatred for all living things, accept his brother, who he spent years searching for.

In a way, the only thing the two have is one another, if that makes any sense.

A vast majority of the story is centered around the Paladin trying to help his brother earn redemption for his brothers soul.

It's a work in progress. lol.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
To Seth -
Word man, all fitting explanations to my questions. I like the idea of the Reapers as the police force of the Underworld. Neat that they all have abilities unique to them, it's always a bit more interesting. You should make sure to study up on your detective shows and books - they may not depict things exactly as they are in real life, but they know how to weave a story in their world that might be difficult without any prior experience. Personally, I can't write any genre besides fantasy because I'm not knowledgeable of enough real-world situations to make a worthwhile story out of it. The Underworld detective aspect will certainly help ease up on that a little, but he should also call on his skills as a real-world detective in a lot of situations to help solve his problems, I feel.

Good stuff, though. Thanks for sharing.
I'm currently reading the Dresden Files books. Look into them, they're similar to my idea as Harry Dresden is a private investigator and a Wizard. While the powers help elevate the action of the stories, the overall genre is mystery as every book has some kind of crime being committed and he has to figure it out in the end.

Let's face it. Blowing stuff up might be fun, but it doesn't solve any problems.

So trust me. There will be some detection mixed in with the crazy Undead creatures trying to kill everything.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Well, as weak as this sounds, this is what I have been running with:
After the death of the two characters parents (oh, that's original) the brothers went their separate ways. One of them, the Paladin, was better able to deal with their parents death, and decided to spend his life doing good for others.

The other one became filled with nothing but rage and hatred for all living things, accept his brother, who he spent years searching for.

In a way, the only thing the two have is one another, if that makes any sense.

A vast majority of the story is centered around the Paladin trying to help his brother earn redemption for his brothers soul.

It's a work in progress. lol.
Alright, I can see that working out. As you pointed out, the death of the parents instigating a trial period for their children that develops them into who they are is a typical scenario; however, keep in mind that essentially every basic plot device has existed since long before any of us were born. The key is just to make it unique, well-crafted and sensible. You need to give the readers something they don't see too often, and you need to present it in a fashion so as to really catch the readers' interests. A story like that has plenty of room for interesting dialogue choices between the brothers, and a world like that presents for a plethora of potential directions to go in. Just make sure the characters are interesting - there have been far too many fantasy series that I've read that had beautiful, descriptive settings, ingeniously conceived magical creatures and characters with powers I never would've imagined, and all of it was brought down to mediocrity due to a "perfect" character. By that, I mean they're always making the morally sound decision, and they always find a way to solve the problem even when it really shouldn't be possible (I read one series that I really enjoyed, but in at least half of the books he suddenly gains some massive power or understanding of the situation and rectifies the problem out of nowhere. It really makes you go, "wtf?") But yeah, I dig the concept, try to think it out a little more to really get some inspirado goin'.

And a quick 'lol' to C-Death's response to Seth.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
To Seth -
Word man, that sounds like a good damn time. Mysteries can be great; I'll read them senseless, but the two times I've tried doing anything with them I came to realize that I'm just not familiar enough with that whole world. Dresden Files sounds like it might be the perfect series to help get you into the swing of that genre, I'll have to check them out at some point if they're worth reading.

But seriously, off of what you've given us so far, that sounds like a really interesting world and a character that's easier for me to relate to (I've always had an issue with male authors writing from a female character's perspective, it just never feels right to me). I'd like to see some more about Graveyard Shift, if you've ever got the time to post some more up here. If you can successfully twist the fantasy and mystery genres together as you're suggesting, this might just be the novel that really brings your writing career to fruition. All I can say is good luck.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Sandretta Evans a.k.a. Pandora
Species: Homo Sapien
Subspecies: Eruo
Genre/World: Fantasy, Mundus

Physical Description:
Taller than the common woman, Pandora stands at close to six feet even with her head bowed in humble poise as she's often seen. Long, lightly colored hair with a soft azure shade hangs close to her waist, obscenely straight without a hair out of place. Her pallid complexion was nearly white as cream, although where it would make an average woman look sickly, it only served to accentuate her striking features. Slanted, narrow blue eyes stare curiously after onlookers, their shade much darker than that of her hair and matching the blue dye in her thin but supple lips (equivalent to a tattoo, just loaded her lips with blue 'ink' and that's all {What, they can't do that? Shut up, you know nothing!}). A slender neck leads down an equally slender body, her lithe, elegant form as well as her exotic looks often drawing undesired attention. Where everything else about her is of white and blue, her simple, common-cut dress is sheer in its blackness, contrasting against her in a way that sends both excited and feared shivers down the spines of many in her company.

Weapons: Unlike the other veteran members of the Hellhound organization, Sandretta neither wields nor possesses a Drowws. Unlike every other eruo, Sandretta's power is predetermined, relying on forces of the world rather than something inside of her. Although skilled with light and short swords, she rarely wears a blade and has never needed one.

Powers: Hephaestus, the eruo weaponsmith that crafts the Drowws from living souls, was unable to do so for Sandretta because of her unique ability. Sandretta's power is a form of conjuration, terribly simple and terribly sinister at the same time. The power is very limited - it can only conjure a single object from a very specific place. That object, however, is meant only to exist within Abyssus, the realm of the demons, or the True Eruo. It possesses no material form in Abyssus, it only serves to rain devastation and strife throughout the whole of the realm. In their (currently unnamed) world, it takes on the form of a small, insanely black box; looking at it makes one's vision go dark, as it literally sucks the light and energy of this world into the world of Abyssus. Only Sandretta can touch this box, and she must be holding it with both hands at all times in order to sustain its existence in this realm.

Any who touch the box aside from Sandretta are instantly whisked away to the world of Abyssus, a realm from which souls cannot escape, damning them to an eternity of torment and misery at the hands of the foulest creatures ever to exist. But that is only the basest of its powers. Similar to Pandora's Box of Greek mythology, this box contains all of the woes and terrors and miseries and despairs that can, could, do and ever will plague the world of Abyssus. Depending on how far she opens it and how she allows the strange powers of the box to escape, she could use it to drop even the most stalwart of warriors to his knees in tears, or she could use it to turn an entire army against itself. It's powers twist and warp reality in the minds of those it touches, changing their worlds, views, beliefs and ideals forever; more than that, it can twist and warp the world around it, as long as it's in a destructive, terrible way. When used against kings, it has the power to begin and end wars. When used on seas, it boils them away until they're barren desert graveyards. When used on the mountains, it cracks and breaks the earth, destroying entire ranges and creating new continents. Its powers of destruction are all-consuming, and its only hindrance is that Sandretta must be holding it with both hands in order to use its power. A horrifying power, indeed.

Attitude and History: Pandora is a relatively quiet individual, for the most part, although it's not through timidness. She only speaks when she deems it necessary, and then she only directs her words to a single individual, and never to an entire group. As a small child, her parents were forced by the townspeople of (unnamed town) where they lived to bring her to the middle of what was once the Cabrian Forest and leave her there; strange looks are associated with the eruo mutation, hair and eye color especially, and she was persecuted as a result. Standing there, alone, caught in the middle of a dark, creepy forest at the tender age of three, Sandretta could only cry. She bawled her little eyes out, calling out for her mommy and daddy and reaching after nothing. Through her dread and despair, she inadvertently called on her powers and summoned forth the Box. Inexperienced and in a state of woe, she was unable to control her powers and they ran rampant, blasting the Cabrian Forest into a massive crater that swallowed its entire area, as well as the town from which she was banished. Rendered unconscious through shock and the draining effect of using her powers, she awoke to find Cerberus, come to claim whomever had unleashed such devastating abilities.

Having been raised from such a young age by the man, she holds an undying allegiance toward him, and she never questions any of his orders or requests. Possessing a similar composure to her foster father, she is nearly as calm and composed as he, although she's rather timid by comparison. Although initially she feared and hated her powers, Cerberus managed to instill a sense of respect and need for her power in her. She prevents any from raising so much as a finger toward Cerberus, and is the only character that knows any of the truth behind his true identity, although a lot of this knowledge is based through assumption and conjecture. She also often acts as a liaison between Magister Overleigh and Cerberus.

Personal Growth: Completely undetermined, as of yet; this will depend on how major of a role her character ends up playing. If I choose to portray the story from her perspective at any point, it's possible that I'd be able to work in a sort of conflict eventually that might turn her against Cerberus or something. Otherwise, she'll be yet another character without any substantial growth.

Organization: She is the First Seat of the Hellhound organization, directly handing out orders to the individual Alphas depending on what their mission might be. She assumes control of the entire facility, making decisions for any matter that doesn't require Cerberus' immediate attention. The Alphas report in to her, and she conveys their messages and status to their leader. There is not a single member who doesn't hold her in high regard.

Thanks for letting me share.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Very cool, you've got a lot more work done on it than I'd thought. The Four Horsemen disbanding and having Pestilence and Famine run off together and the conflict between War and Death is a really cool and creative idea. Both of their characters are excellent opposites of one another, and it just really works with me.

The Archangels idea was actually quite excellent; of course, he'd ask to speak with his mother, but he can't because her soul is trapped in Hell because of his father's pact... and so he makes the selfless choice of granting his old friend the chance to speak with his dearly departed, thus gaining a powerful ally and giving the opportunity to get his character more involved with the story. I mean, you've got half a book in this idea, alone. Good stuff.

All of the characters seemed pretty decent, and I was able to get a bit of a feel for who they were. That Dracula thing didn't sit quite right with me, something about the way you have it panning out just doesn't seem to fit. Generally speaking, the Undead tend to be less forgiving and understand than the living, and I feel as if their mutual loathing might not be so easily dismissed, especially since they'd probably blame each other for their father's second death; still, ignore that if you choose.

You mentioned something about the Underworld Kings, but I wasn't able to gather anything about who they really were but for the fact that they work(ed) for Victor. I'd like to know a little more about them.

When describing Donald's return, you write that he feels remorse for his actions at some point and his conscience gets the better of him and he fights back against War; this really just doesn't seem right. Yeah, he should fight back against War to get his soul back, but because he murdered his unborn daughter? Being deceived by War would be more believable. I mean, this dude murdered his wife and nearly murdered his infant/child son; why would he feel so bad about killing his unborn daughter? He didn't even kill her... she wasn't born yet. I just don't feel like that fits his character at all.

Mick's cool, the bit about Marcus seemed like a good idea, and presents for an intelligence-gathering character which is always good. Victor and Gina's characters seemed like adequate semi-antagonists to me, though I may have misinterpreted that. Jaina's character makes a lot of sense, although you may want to consider making her transition back into appreciating Gregory go kind of slow; when you idolize someone the way she did, and then you turn your view of them around some completely 180-degree style, even if she learns she was wrong it will take time for her to be able to change her way of thought. Essentially, she's brainwashed herself into loathing him, and to undo that sort of damage definitely takes time. Again, though, not my story, so do what you like.

As for the show Reapers, yes, it is a show about the Devil taking individuals and making them Reapers for him, collecting renegade souls escaped from Hell and returning them so they don't wreak havoc on Earth. The show makes less sense than what I've read of your story, though, so don't worry about that. And besides, like I keep saying, every idea's already been done. It's just adding your own unique spice to the great story lines that will make it worth reading.

Keep it up, though. You've got some real good stuff going, here.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Edgar Winston a.k.a. the Senior Analyst
Species: Homo Sapien
Subspecies: Sapien
Genre/World: Fantasy, Mundus

Physical Description:
Standing at close to 6'4", Edgar is a very tall, slim man. His shrewd brown eyes sunken deep into his face stare around tiredly, surrounded by dark circles and rimmed below with fatigue-induced bags. Arms and legs too long for even a man of his height are kept crossed behind his back and standing tall, posing in perfect posture despite his clearly evident exhaustion. His attire, indicating wealth yet bearing none of the usual flamboyancy of fancy clothing of that era, is kept precise and immaculate, matching his attitude superbly. Long, dark hair kept plaited in the traditional Winston family braid hangs down to the center of his shoulder blades, kept so flawlessly done it's a wonder there's not magic involved. His gaunt face is paler than the average man's but not so bad as many nobles or some of the other council members, and his thin lips are oft pressed into a disapproving line.

Weapons: Having served as a commander of his fiefdom when before Benton Overleigh's revolt, he can definitely find his way around a good sword or spear; however, his duties as Senior Analyst do little towards bringing about misfortune on anyone, and he has yet to have any need to carry a weapon. Regardless, he carries a short sword at his hip and a dirk in his boot, more so for appearance's sake than anything else. Additionally, he travels with a single-man escort that is more than capable of keeping him safe from the occasional disgruntled landowner.

Powers: Edgar has no magical powers being a typical human. As Senior Analyst, his powers are the most limited of any of the council members, and yet his responsibilities are possibly the most important. His duties involve assessing everything in the kingdom of its worth and it's most efficient method of use or decision. This includes everything from counting the animals and finding the areas of the crop fields on all the farms to assessing the council members' uses of their own resources and suggesting areas of improvement or places that are proven successful. In regards to the council, they are nothing but suggested, and they can either heed the analyses or ignore them.

To the general populace, however, his word is law, and if it's decided that something should be so then that's the way it should be. Fortunately, Edgar is one of the more honest men that possess any degree of power, and it is rare that he demand a change that isn't logically decided through a process of elimination and consideration of each possible scenario. Seeing as how his job is the most expansive and demanding, he's been given a power that the other council members lack. Rousing ample jealousy from the other council members, should he make a request for additional funds from the Head of Commerce, he'd be forced to oblige. Therefore, he is able to fund an expansive staff towards accomplishing his equally expansive tasks. It is a power he consciously does not abuse, and yet the other council members rarely see it that way.

Attitude and History: Edgar is an honest man, working under the belief that if everyone would just perform their duties responsibly then there world would be a better place, and he works to accomplish this feat one man at a time, starting with himself. He makes sure to consider every aspect of any situation that he can, knowing the truth behind the saying, "There's my story, your story and the real story." Rarely does he deem evictions necessary, and he understands that things can be difficult when everything is so different (their system of government having been altered from a feudal state to this form of semi-oligarchic in the last 10 years).

In his younger days, Edgar was trained in the art of combat and he commanded all the vassals of his father's fiefdom. The king called on the lords countless times, procuring their militias in a bloody struggle to gain more territory, more people and more power to control. Dissent grew deep within Edgar's father, Odgow, and, due to his deep respect for his father and his similar virtues, Edgar as well. When the time came that Benton Overleigh called on the lords for military support in exchange for a seat of power in a new, by-the-people form of government, Odgow was more than prepared to consider the offer. Granting Overleigh respite in his keep, Odgow talked the situation over with Edgar, whom he knew to be more analytic than he, and they talked it over throughout the whole of the night. They concluded that it was an opportunity they couldn't pass up, relinquished their forces to Benton Overleigh and prepared for the battle.

At its conclusion, Benton Overleigh named himself as the Magister, granting titles to the five lords that offered their services as well as to Erickar Ironsmith, who lead more than half of his lord's vassals away from him to join the cause. Odgow Winston was named Senior Analyst, immediately acquisitioning his son as his right hand, and carried out his duties admirably for three years until stricken with sickness. Forced to stay in bed, Odgow relinquished his title to Edgar, who assumed the role for the two-year remainder of his father's term with the focused understanding he still possesses to this day.

Still, the work is tedious and without respite, and his exhaustion and wear have broken him down into less of the man that he once was. His moral compass still bears north despite his fatigue, and he always stresses that careful consideration with a helping of compassion is the best way to solve problems, whether he's addressing the council or his most meager subordinates. His resolve is a dying flame, however, and if something doesn't change then he won't be able to keep himself going for much longer.

Personal Growth: In the beginning, Edgar will be very tired and approaching a generally monotonous disposition towards the peoples' problems. He won't be as understanding as usual and he'll recognize this, although it will do little more than further douse his dwindling spirit. At some point, he'll begin to discover some unsettling discrepancies in some (currently undecided) situation. Sensing some sort of conspiracy afoot, he'll use his position to unravel the secrets slowly coming to the surface, rekindling his dying passion.

Organization: He is a member of the council elected by the people and instated by Benton Overleigh, Magister of the nation; more specifically, he's the Senior Analyst, as described above. He possesses certain political powers that others on the council do not, but the same can be said for them as well.

Thanks for letting me share.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
All of the characters seemed pretty decent, and I was able to get a bit of a feel for who they were. That Dracula thing didn't sit quite right with me, something about the way you have it panning out just doesn't seem to fit. Generally speaking, the Undead tend to be less forgiving and understand than the living, and I feel as if their mutual loathing might not be so easily dismissed, especially since they'd probably blame each other for their father's second death; still, ignore that if you choose.
I nobelize Dracula a little bit in his one appearance. I turn the classic Bram Stoker's version of "world domination villian" into more of simply a product of his upbringing; He was a warlord and valued strength and fighting. But being centuries old, he's gotten tired of fighting and this world and is happy to give it up to his children, wanting them to make their own mark on the world like he did.

You mentioned something about the Underworld Kings, but I wasn't able to gather anything about who they really were but for the fact that they work(ed) for Victor. I'd like to know a little more about them.
There's not a lot of information on the Underworld Kings because I haven't really gotten to much into them. They really only exist for the one story.

When describing Donald's return, you write that he feels remorse for his actions at some point and his conscience gets the better of him and he fights back against War; this really just doesn't seem right. Yeah, he should fight back against War to get his soul back, but because he murdered his unborn daughter? Being deceived by War would be more believable. I mean, this dude murdered his wife and nearly murdered his infant/child son; why would he feel so bad about killing his unborn daughter? He didn't even kill her... she wasn't born yet. I just don't feel like that fits his character at all.
At this point he's been stuck in Hell... Twice. For multiple years. It might not necessarily be that he's feeling remorse, but seeing the error of his ways, at least in picking his masters. We see Gregory being helped and aided by the Grim Reaper, Donald's masters tortured him in Hell for years on end.

Mick's cool, the bit about Marcus seemed like a good idea, and presents for an intelligence-gathering character which is always good. Victor and Gina's characters seemed like adequate semi-antagonists to me, though I may have misinterpreted that. Jaina's character makes a lot of sense, although you may want to consider making her transition back into appreciating Gregory go kind of slow; when you idolize someone the way she did, and then you turn your view of them around some completely 180-degree style, even if she learns she was wrong it will take time for her to be able to change her way of thought. Essentially, she's brainwashed herself into loathing him, and to undo that sort of damage definitely takes time. Again, though, not my story, so do what you like.
It's going to take time for Jaina to find out what Gregory's really doing with his spare time. She'll catch on slowly.

There are 7+ stories already for this series, planned out.
 

C-Death

I love you
Seth my good sir, I wish you the best of luck. Let me know when I can buy a copy :)
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Wyvirn Structor a.k.a. Hephaestus
Species: Homo Sapien
Subspecies: Eruo
Genre/World: Fantasy, Mundus

Physical Description:
Large and imposing, both in size and demeanor, Wyvirn (who will likely be known in the story only as 'Hephaestus') stands at about 6'6", with a huge barrel-chest and long, muscular arms ending in nearly head-sized fists. A shaved-close hairstyle leaves a swath of grey-brown stubble creeping across his pate, which is matched by the stubble clinging to his face. His unnerving eyes are a bright, sickly green, almost to the point of being yellow, and his features, although rough and weathered, belie that he was once a ruggedly handsome gentleman. Although sporting the typical skin coloration of the common man, he's often covered in soot, coal, grime and burns, adding to his imposing figure. Rarely does he clean himself up so as to be presentable to the general public, as his stature often draws attention to his eyes, tending to cause more trouble than good. When in Underworld (the Hellhound organization's base, if I haven't made that clear), he wears only a blacksmith's apron and his drawers, the intense heat of the bellows being too much for anything else. Aside from that, he's got a scar traveling from just below his right temple down around the back of his neck and ending to the left of his right shoulder blade, which he achieved during combat evading an otherwise fatal blow. Also, he's about fifty-four winters past, or so (yeah, that's how I'ma do age, methinks).

Weapons: Not only does Hephaestus wield a Drowws, but he is the man that forges them. His Drowws is unique, in that it is the only Drowws that does not take the form of a blade; instead, it is the mallet that he uses to forge all of his work, and it is a tool that he constructed under the guidance of Cerberus to grant him the power to forge a limitless number of Drowws. Hephaestus also wields a studded tower shield in combat, which he's forged with enough stability to be used as a bashing weapon repeatedly.

Powers: Hephaestus' gift is the power to forge and/or unleash the inner powers within someone or something. If he takes the hands of an eruo that has yet to unlock their abilities, he can draw that power up and out of them. (Note: the eruo powers are called out through instinct, and yet humans are eruo are not inherently born with this instinct. As such, some eruo could go their whole lives without ever touching their powers, whereas others might stumble across them at any point in their lives when the need for said powers arises. Hephaestus implants that seed of instinct deep within them, leaving it up to them to hone it themselves. In addition, depending on the materials used in its construction as well as several other environmental and consumer factors that must be considered, he can forge magical weapons, armor and artifacts. The final aspect of his powers is that his skin is resistant to injury, whether by flame, arrow, blade or spell, although 'resistant' is a far, far cry away from 'impervious.' A longbow arrow from a volley might stick an inch or so into him or it might deflect off entirely, but a crossbow bolt fired from ten paces would still pierce him completely, likely killing him.

Attitude and History: Born as the son of a confector (the craftsmen of Mundus, be they carpenters, blacksmiths, general laborers, etc.), Wyvirn grew up in a neighboring nation already harboring a capitalistic approach to economics and a a type of democracy (although only those owning a sizable plot of land equivalent to ~one acre are allowed to vote). As such, he learned his father's craft as he grew up, until he was a very efficient carpenter. At the age of fourteen, he began to apprentice as a blacksmith for a family friend, and found that he had a truly incredible understanding of the different elements of the forging and smithing process. In less than a year's time, he'd already surpassed his master's expertise, much to the man's chagrin, and with a final fond farewell to his family, he rode off to seek his own fortune as a blacksmith, and to seek out any that might help improve his craft.

At first, he traveled to the capital in search of the renowned blacksmith, Iona Faber. Faber refused Wyvirn's request for apprenticeship, and although Wyvirn remained insistent for many days, the man never changed his mind on the subject. Outraged that the man not even grant him a chance, he traveled to the outskirts of the city to a forge teetering on the verge of failure, it's smith broken-down and out of hope. Wyvirn offered his services for a quarter-take, promising he'd save the man's business with his quality crafts. Although the man was skeptical, he had little else to lose so he accepted Wyvirn's offer.

It wasn't long before word of their work had traveled well beyond the walls of the capital, and people began coming from all over for Wyvirn's crafts, instead of Iona Faber's. Outraged, Faber demanded that they cease and desist their business, and that they leave the capital altogether. Scoffing at the man, Wyvirn challenged him to make him leave, promising that his weapons would cleave Faber's own in pieces. Seething, Faber returned to the upper vestiges of the city, where he grew even more furious. In his rage, he hired a mercenary group to go and destroy the forge that night.

Wyvirn awoke to cries of fire in the dead of night, rushing out of his shack to see all of his hard work gone up in flames. He stayed by the fire until it died out, staring wistfully into the smoldering ruins at his dreams gone to ashes. It was then that a strange man approached him, radiant in his excellence; the man was Cerberus. After explaining to Wyvirn why he was such a capable blacksmith, he offered him a path that would excel him beyond the greatest smiths in the history of man. Eager to pursue this new opportunity and with nothing tying him to his former life, Wyvirn joined Cerberus in the quest to create the perfect weapons.

Although always stern, decisive and to-the-point in the public eye, Wyvirn tends to be loud and exuberant, sometimes to the point of acting belligerent, when he's in the Underworld, his raucous laughter often heard echoing from the bellows when he has company. Although much more serious as a youth, in his age and as a Hellhound, he's found a sense of satisfaction that few men alive can boast possessing. As such, he's perfectly content in the confines of Underworld, speaking to lower-ranked individuals as if they were equals, often acting as one of the most inviting members there.

Although he can get out of hand when dipping too deep into the spirits, he generally helps to cheer up the place, and even those who tend to disdain others, such as Kayla Cortette, find his enthusiasm to be almost infectious. He is almost like a mentor to Galan Aristove, and had a significant role in his current worldview and code of ethics.

Personal Growth: Although I don't plan on any sort of actual growth, he will get the opportunity to finally exact his vengeance on Iona Faber as the story progresses and the Hellhounds move into the other nation.

Organization: Hephaestus is a veteran member of the Hellhound organization, and is actually the second member to be instated, after Cerberus. Like Sandretta Evans, he knows more of Cerberus' powers and strengths than most anyone. Although his powers are essential to the Hellhounds, his worth in combat is not much greater than an excellent human warrior's, and so Cerberus rarely allows him to join the fights.

Thanks for letting me share.

In addition, almost every character has had their history changed, as well as Cerberus having his power altered. They now all have more detailed, believable back stories that are consistent with the era, form of government and economic systems. It gives a little more insight into the world, and a little more depth to their characters. Check 'em out, if you've got the time!
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
Alexander Stinda

Vampire
Looks 17, really is over 200 years old
Maker - Tyrale Corren [original Vampire]
Known abilities: Instant move, mind bolt, aura sensory, basic telepathy

Physical description: Strong jawed, black hair kept cut short and slicked back. Brown & golden eyes set back in head, high cheek bones, thin lips. Slightly pale complexion, 5'10" 180 lbs., well built. Commonly dressed in faded black jeans and white graphic t-shirt, normally worn tightly. Occasionally seen in black leather trench coat. Wears silver crucifix, normally tucked in his shirt.

Personality: With his troubled past, Alexander is a loner. He dislikes the idea of becoming attached to others, fearing that they will either leave him or be taken from him and prefering to not deal with the drama involved. Alexander tends to be pessimistic, but sarcastic and quick witted. When things are at their worst, Alexander's personality is light and humorous, finding that humor is easier than panic. Alexander is also observant and intelligent, often connecting the dots and thinking of things outside the box, before others realize the same thing.

Basic Bio: Alexander Stinda was born to his father Christian Stinda, mother Giselle Stinda and had one younger brother, Thomas Stinda. He was born a few years after the Revolutionary War, during the beginning years of America. His father was an alcoholic and violent man, even moreso after his mother died giving birth to his younger brother Thomas. Growing up with common abuse, Alexander's life went from bad to worse when Tyrale Corren showed up at his front door, took him from his home and turned him into the second Vampire to ever exist.

Nearly half a century would pass before Alexander would finally break free of Tyrale's control. During that time, Alexander would constantly be trapped doing Tyrale's bidding, from slaying innocent men and women to turning children to become hardened, souless generals of Tyrale's Vampire army. Unwilling to do these things, Alexander was forced by Tyrale's threats to kill his father and then later his brother who would go on to live an enlongated lifespan due to the fact that he was a Guardian, a race of immortals that were the mortal enemies of the Vampire race. However, when Tyrale discovers Thomas' position as a powerful Guardian being trained by the military branch of the Guardian race, Alexander saves his brother from death and manages to break free of Tyrale with the help of the Witch Zaris who presumably erased the memory of Thomas' existance from Tyrale's mind. Zaris would call this favor in years later during the novel Corruption.

Personal weapons: While Alexander is well-trained over the years with multiple melee weapons and numerous firearms, Alexander's only personal weapon is a steel knife that has been touched by multiple enchantments over the years to increase it's potency. Magically perserved from damage and passage of time, the blade's true abilities is only known to Alexander and only used when things are truly becoming desperate.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Right on, thanks for sharing another. So the Stinda Series is in the world of Corruption too? Or is Corruption a part of the Stinda Series?

Seems like he could be fun, got a ready and willing personality it seems like, and with some well-thought out dialogue, I'm sure he could say some pretty funny shit at the wrong times. I sort of have a negative affinity toward vampires for the most part because I about halfway despise the Twilight Series and True Blood, both, and all the other vampire crap that's been riding at their coattails, so this doesn't appeal to me in the same way as the Graveyard Shift series does. Regardless, long as you do it well, it should be a hit.

Only two questions: you claim Tyrale threatens Alexander to kill his father and brother... what is he being threatened by? You'd think the threat would be, "Do this, or I'll kill your father and brother," and not vice-versa. As long as you know what you're doing, though, it won't pose a problem.

Other question is in regards to Thomas... how old will he be when Alexander goes to kill him? How old was he when Alexander became a vampire? Might be interesting to have the younger brother appear older due to achieving his immortality at a later human age than his brother.

But yeah, good luck with it.
 
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