Case The Boy

[dead-manakin]

ITS AWESOME, BEWARE​

There once was a boy named Case.
Who had a Problem with personal space.
He poked and Poked till his brother did choke' em
And now there is no Case.​

I bet I know what Case was thinking in the end of the third line... -->:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

Tell me what you think!


PS: I came up with this when my little brother was annoying me a few weeks back and I wanted to teach him a lesson. Now he doesn't poke me anymore.

 

[thewrongvine]

So um. He's okay right? Your brother I mean.

 

[dead-manakin]

Yea haha, my brothers OK, I just wanted to teach him a lesson.

 

[tooltiperror]

A masterpiece! This is really a good example of a poem. Just some suggestions, however:

1. Use interesting language. In a few places, you use words like "is" and "no". There are probably words like "exist" or "zero" that would fit better. Which do you like more, "And now there is no Chase" or "Now there are zero Chases"; even "now Chase does not be".
2. Describe! You never really describe Chase's personality, his athletic skill, or his appearance. It's hard for us to understand the character towards the climax ("He poked and Poked") without understanding what kind of poker he was or if he knew when enough pokes were enough.
3. Figurative Language is a great tool. Things like "Chase poked like a goose stuck in a bear trap" or "The amount of good people who have iPhones and the number of brothers I have are the same now" sound better and add more flavor to your writing.

Keep up the good work!

 

[thewrongvine]

A masterpiece! This is really a good example of a poem. Just some suggestions, however:

1. Use interesting language. In a few places, you use words like "is" and "no". There are probably words like "exist" or "zero" that would fit better. Which do you like more, "And now there is no Chase" or "Now there are zero Chases"; even "now Chase does not be".
2. Describe! You never really describe Chase's personality, his athletic skill, or his appearance. It's hard for us to understand the character towards the climax ("He poked and Poked") without understanding what kind of poker he was or if he knew when enough pokes were enough.
3. Figurative Language is a great tool. Things like "Chase poked like a goose stuck in a bear trap" or "The amount of good people who have iPhones and the number of brothers I have are the same now" sound better and add more flavor to your writing.

Keep up the good work!

Tell that to Shell Silverstein,

 

[Ninva]

tell that to shell silverstein,

qft

 

[Syndrome]

Yea haha, my brothers OK, I just wanted to teach him a lesson.

Not buying it.

In any Case [cwatididthar?] this was entertaining to say the least.
I'm not a poem's person to be honest so I can't say much more in that regard

 

[UndeadDragon]

That is rather awesome. I love the short and to-the-point style