Cataclysmic ://: Reapers

Syndrome

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Cataclysmic ://: Reapers

This story is being made for a contest at my school, [this contributes to the declined rate of update for Ambivalent Existance, my other story.] But I thought, 'Hey, why not post it over thehelper.net?' so here I am posting a semi finished story here. [The First Chapter was accepted, so I have to write a 8,000 words or less full-fledged short story for the contest.]
Note: Since I had not thought of posting this story on thehelper.net, I used the same names and characters from Ambivalent Existance.


Plot Idea:

Silpheed and Ayu, who are close friends, arrive at the Igasu Highschool for their second year. As they scan through the class list, a name seemed to stick out more then others, Hybrid. Hybrid is not a normal student at school though, as he is experienced in defeating monsters from the Nether Realm. Sadness and sorrow create these creatures, and it is up to Hybrid and Silpheed [who gets caught up in the conflict] to find the source of sadness or sorrow before monsters overrun Tokyo!

Chapters:

Chapter 1: Aim for the Heads |||||||||| 100% Complete.
Chapter 2: WTH is Going On? |||||||||| 100% Complete.
Chapter 3: Engage Link |||||||||| 40% Complete.
Chapter 4: -Title Unknown ATM- |||||||||| 0% Complete.

All Chapters That Are Completed Can Be Viewed Through the .pdf File or the .doc File at the Bottom of the Post.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Read the first chapter. I have mixed feelings, but overall I think it's more impressive than Ambivalent Existance, or at least what I read of it. You started off pretty strong, and I soon became very involved in the story. And Hybrid was great... at first, at least. The way he found out where the girls' class was and then just left, throwing the paper in their faces and leaving them bewildered seemed to be beyond your normal writing abilities. No offense, but that single part was the best thing I've seen you write, in my opinion.

Anywho, I seemed to become less interested as it got to the "interesting" part; the whole Nether Realm deal in the first chapter seemed a little drab, a little boring. I can't tell you specifically how to change it to catch the attention a little more, but I would suggest looking it over and maybe changing things around here and there.

Still a fair deal of grammatical mistakes, mostly involving run-on sentences and comma-splice errors, which need to be changed before you turn this in. Also, I would suggest changing the whole distortion of light sort of deal. It doesn't sound right, and no matter how I change it around I can't get it to sound any better, so I would try to change it alltogether. I would suggest the air shimmering, or something like that.

But hey. Good work. Props on the story, and I hope to see you win that award! Happy holidays, brotha. Peace.
 
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