Short Story Caught in the Act

I'm making a really simple short story. It is based on what happened in my class a few hours ago. I'll use different names of people instead of their actual names ok.

This is either a short story or an essay if you like, it's a bit essayish when I read it aloud but it's the best way to clarify things and I use that technique.

Caught in the Act
In a hot Wednesday noon, me and my friends were eating lunch inside the gym. The classroom is not a good place to eat because it gets crowded inside there over a short period of time, so the gym is a suitable area. My friends played basketball while I ate some candies and watching them do their best. However, Dennis, one of the players in the team, was totally exhausted. He went on to the canteen and bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself and came to the classroom already. But lunchtime was almost over and I walked towards our classroom, and to see that Dennis was playing with his friends using his Gameboy Advanced SP console.

At first glance, I never knew what he was playing, but I saw the face of Naruto in the screen, so no doubt he was playing a Naruto game. I can't figure out what's the game's genre, but he was scoring a dozen points and he went to the top of his game and using all kinds of jutsus, but it's obvious he's often using the sex jutsu. We were all cheering for him back then.

Suddenly, the bell rang, meaning lunchtime is over and our History teacher will drop by soon. Dennis kept his gameboy and put it inside his bag. The teacher then arrived, and we all greeted her respectfully. Soon she began discussing about the mechanics of our group report, and then the first group gave it a go and started reporting on what they have researched last week. I listened carefully, but the background noise of chatter and talk seems to break my attention. But then, I saw Dennis picking up his gameboy and continuing the current level. What. I thought, he should be careful this time.

'Ahh, I mustn't worry at all, he's a master of secrets and disguise', I thought, so I put my sights on the reporters in front and started seeing the evolution of man. Suddenly, my conscience was sparked with a jolt of lightning when I heard the teacher saying "Dennis, give me that Gameboy console". Dennis He finally blew his cover, but he still kept on saying "Ma'am, I didn't hold anything nor a gameboy, I didn't bring any!". I'm sure he's hiding the truth, but he has no other choice but to withdraw the console and stop making any further lies.

"Darn it! I should've never picked that one up! I can't sleep at night with this problem!," he muttered to himself. He can do nothing but to wait for March 2009 to come and retake his gameboy advanced console.

Suggestions and CnC are welcome
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
Lol, nice and entertaining short-story. Good to have some of these relaxing ones once in a while. :D

There were some errors:

First sentence, first word - it should be on.
My friends played basketball while I eat some candies and watching them do their best.
The 'tense' of the sentence doesn't fit. It's at first past-tense but then you go to present-time when you say "eat". How about this: My friends played basketball while I ate candy and watched them do their best. (btw, is candies a word? Or is it just candy? :p)

So he went on to the canteen and bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself and came to the classroom already.
For that sentence, imo, you shouldn't start with so, because of the sentence before it. It sounds like, "He's tired." -pause- "So he went..." Imo, the start of that after the pause doesn't sound right. It still works fine without the "so". Also, you don't need an 'already', it... er, doesn't... sound right? :)

But lunchtime was almost over and I walked towards our classroom, and to see that Dennis was playing with his friends using his Gameboy Advanced SP console.
I suggest making it something like: Lunchtime was almost over so I walked back to our classroom, and I saw Dennis playing hbis Gamboy Advanced SP console with this friends.

Suddenly, the bell rang, and it means lunchtime is over and our History teacher will drop by soon.
How about: Suddenly, the bell rang, meaning that lunchtime was over and that our history teacher would soon drop by (or drop by soon, which ever you prefer).

I listened carefully, but the background noise of chatter and talk seems to break my attention. But then, I saw Dennis picking up his gameboy and continuing the current level. What!? He should be careful this time!
Try: I listened carefull to the report, but the background noise of chatter (talk is like same thing so you don't really need it) seemed (did it seem to? or did it?) break my attention. I then saw Dennis picking up his Gameboy and continuing on the current level. What, I thought, he should be careful this time!

Um... there are some other mistakes... but I'm lazy. :eek: Good luck! :thup:
 

DiDdY

New Member
classroom is not a good
I reckon that should be isn't.

to eat because it gets crowded inside
Thats fine, but you might want to add;

to eat, simply because it gets crowded inside
------

while I eat some candies and watching them do their best.
Should be changed to;

while I ate some candy, I watched them do their best.
------

So he went on to the canteen and bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself and came to the classroom already.
Doesn't really make much sense, try this;

He went on to the canteen, bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself, and came back to the classrom.
------

But lunchtime was almost over and I walked towards our classroom, and to see that Dennis was playing with his friends using his Gameboy Advanced SP console.
Mhm, I'm not sure about that... Perhaps;

Lunchtime was almost over, and I walked towards our classrom to see that Dennis was playing with his friends on his Gameboy Advance SP console.
Theres a few more errors, vine pointed out some, I'll be happy to check it all if you drop me a PM, other than the small errors, it's a nice relaxing short story. :)
 

Knight7770

Hippopotomonstrosesquiped aliophobia
DiDdy, stop using semicolons when you should be using colons.
I reckon that should be isn't.
It doesn't matter; isn't is a contraction of is not.

So he went on to the canteen and bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself and came to the classroom already.
A canteen is something from which you drink; not something from which you buy stuff. A better way to phrase that sentence:
So, he went on to the vending machine (?), and bought a bottle of Gatorade to re-energize himself; and came into the classroom.
"Darn it! I should've never picked that one up! I can't sleep at night with this burden!," he muttered to himself.
That doesn't make sense.
 

DiDdY

New Member
DiDdy, stop using semicolons when you should be using colons.

It doesn't matter; isn't is a contraction of is not.


A canteen is something from which you drink; not something from which you buy stuff. A better way to phrase that sentence:


That doesn't make sense.
DiDdy, stop using semicolons when you should be using colons.

What? Didn't get that.

Edit: Ah, I couldn't be botherd to hold shift Mr. Knight.
 
Thx vine! I fixed some other stuff but I prefer to retain the others, I prefer to read it anyway.

A canteen is something from which you drink; not something from which you buy stuff. A better way to phrase that sentence:
In my school, you can buy school supplies, lunch/buffet, snacks and drinks from the canteen and also the place where you drink and eat. Same way goes to my past school life. Wondering why? But it's a good system:thup:

"Darn it! I should've never picked that one up! I can't sleep at night with this burden!," he muttered to himself.
Don't know how to say it though. I substituted it to 'problem', it might help, but according to the story, he feels too worried/saddened and that's why he can't sleep at night w/ all those feelings and stuff. Well, it's his problem and the only way to solve that prob is to wait 'till year 2009 and reclaim the console:thup:.

Offtopic: Btw, in real life, he's a bit saddened and weighed by the temporary loss of his game machine, but he doesn't quit teasing/bullying people, atleast not me. If I'm the one, I'll give him a punch:banghead:

and 500th post!

Thx anyway
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
So... he's a real person? Or maybe I missed that whole thing.

Now that I look at the first post, I see it. Well... good luck to him and you. Nice job with this! :thup:

Congratz with your 500th post, now 502. :)
 
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