Short Story Comatose

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
I wrote this for my English class and I hope its good. I'm in the 10th grade, hopefully you guys like it. CnC! Peer edit as well. ;)
Here's the prologue:
It was a situation which resembled the epitome of incapacity. The conflict had escalated from a simple gesture of goodwill to a verbal brawl. Why are they yelling? My mind wandered erratically, surrounded by the confusion of the thunder coming out of my parents’ mouths. As I gazed aimlessly at the two figures that appeared to be my parents, my sight hazed and I entered a state of darkness and silence.
The rest of it if you don't want to read it in Microsoft:
That morning started like any other; I peered out the window and was disappointed. Damn, another cloudy day. I sighed, for I had hoped to be able to play football in my P.E. class, but now, the class would probably have to run laps around the basketball courts in the gym. The sky looked like white, baking dough that was unsuccessfully flattened by hand. It had creases of darkness along the lumps in the dough. When I dropped my stare, I attempted to gaze ahead but I saw the endless sea of whiteness that obscured my sight forbidding me to do so. It was on a day like this that you would expect it to be cold, but if you were to step out the door, you would realize it was fairly warm and humid. As I turned around, I noticed the first leaf on a tree fall. Perhaps it was an omen but I had not given it any significant acknowledgement for I was running late.
I rushed of out my room to the bathroom and picked up my toothbrush. While I applied the toothpaste to the brush, I looked at the mirror that was fogged from the steam of a hot shower. Oh, Bryant already left. Bryant is my oldest brother and he normally took me, my brother, Minh, and, sister Hang to school. However, I was late today and they had left without me. Jerks, they could have at least woke me up. I slid the brush in my mouth and pressed it against my teeth which felt covered with plaque.
As I finished, I desperately rushed back to my room to put on a jair of peans, I mean, a pair of jeans and a heavy sweater. Still pulling on the pair of jeans, I hopped to the kitchen doing intervals of hops to pull up my pants. Half way to the kitchen, my pants were at my waist; buttoned my pants and zipped it up. When I entered the kitchen, I opened the pantry door to take out a breakfast bar. I stuffed it in my pocket and ran back to my room. Where is my bag? I looked around, spotted it on the floor, and grabbed it. I slung the bag through one arm and ran out the door.
The heat hit me and I realized that I should not have worn the sweater, but there was no time to change. Looking around, I ran to the car in which my father was waiting to take me to school. As soon as I entered the car, he floored the pedal in reverse out the drive way and sped off into the street. I was on my way to the school where I would be spending half of my day.

After school, I stepped out of the car that my mother had used to take me home. I turned around and was welcomed by clear, fogless air. I took a deep breath and walked into the house. As usual, I went to my room and started changing into more comfortable attire.
My sister and brothers were not home yet because I was only in the fifth grade and they were all in high school. I decided I would take a nap because I was tired from school. As I rolled under the sheets, I felt them engulf me with warmth and I fell into an anticipated, exhausted sleep.
***
I was awakened by my brother to eat dinner because my siblings had already eaten and were about to go to the movies. I rose off the bed while stretching into the warm stuffy air and walked towards the kitchen. As my siblings left the house, I sat down and started my dinner while my parents were in the kitchen.
“Alright, I’m going to be back soon,” my father said kindly, as he walked out the house.
My mother instantly snapped and yelled in anger.
“Where are you going?”
My father roared back in rage.
“I’m just going out!”
“You always go out!” screamed my mother.
I was shocked from the sudden shouts; I sat there stunned, in a frozen state as my spoon suspended in the air below my gaping mouth. What is going on? I had never seen my parents fight before; perhaps this was the first time. My spoon dropped and quickly submerged into the soup I was eating, causing a splash. My head fell and hit the table; I heard the thump my head made when it hit the table and the sound of the silverware clattering. My senses were numbed as my sight became enclosed with blackness and all sounds seized. The scent of the soup faded into nothing and all I could feel was the cold table pressed against my head. Soon, even that was gone and I was floating in empty space.
I awoke to the sound of my mother’s breathing and the sensation of her patting my face with a damp cloth. I opened my eyes and a surge of light rushed in, causing me to squint. A look of joy was in her eyes and she said something I could not hear. Sound finally returned to my ears and my eyes adjusted to the light. A figured appeared above me, behind my mother, which I recognized as my father.
To this day, I still wonder what would have happened if I had not fainted. Would they have stopped fighting? I always ask. All I do know is that they stopped because I was in danger. I guess it is like they say: “It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.”

I do advise you read it on Microsoft because it seems simpler.
 

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Seb!

You can change this now in User CP.
Wow that story was intense, like camping man. Powerful language was used for topics that normally aren't considered as such. I liked it because the writing style was a lot like normal, verbal conversation. I liked where the plot was going until it reached the climax.

It struck me as funny the way that the two parents started fighting. First it was all nice and kind, and then snap they just started screaming. I realize that you didn't want to make the story very long, but maybe some more build-up along that plot line. There was no suspense or foreshadowing about that conflict. Also, why did the narrator faint? That seemed hard to believe.

Overall, I liked the language and the writing style. Keep it up.
 

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
Wow that story was intense, like camping man. Powerful language was used for topics that normally aren't considered as such. I liked it because the writing style was a lot like normal, verbal conversation. I liked where the plot was going until it reached the climax.

It struck me as funny the way that the two parents started fighting. First it was all nice and kind, and then snap they just started screaming. I realize that you didn't want to make the story very long, but maybe some more build-up along that plot line. There was no suspense or foreshadowing about that conflict. Also, why did the narrator faint? That seemed hard to believe.

Overall, I liked the language and the writing style. Keep it up.
I'll try to work on the climax. I just like writing sentences not actual stories. :)
 

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
I loved that story^^ and i like the way you write, it just keeps me wanting more of it
Sweet. No problems?
There was no suspense or foreshadowing about that conflict.
This is another thing I really need to work on but I did foreshadow once:
As I turned around, I noticed the first leaf on a tree fall. Perhaps it was an omen but I had not given it any significant acknowledgement for I was running late.
Very small but it was suppose to represent 'the first' or change towards bad, or in the case of the falling leaf, death. But I used it for a first change towards bad. If what I just said makes no sense then I'm a idiot. :)
 

Seb!

You can change this now in User CP.
Yes, that does indeed foreshadow a downturn in the previously upbeat mood of the plot. But what I meant was, there was no mention of any possible friction between the parents before the climax.
 

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
Yes, that does indeed foreshadow a downturn in the previously upbeat mood of the plot. But what I meant was, there was no mention of any possible friction between the parents before the climax.
I couldn't think of a way to add anything :(. I just turned it in today lets see what grade I get.
 

Miz

Administrator
More interesting then most stuff that is posted here. I have to say I was well amused through the entire short story and the climax was a little weird but still funny and a little unexpected. :p
 

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
More interesting then most stuff that is posted here. I have to say I was well amused through the entire short story and the climax was a little weird but still funny and a little unexpected. :p
I wish I could think of a better climax to write but I can't think of any thing :(.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Staff member
SECRET MESSAGE ENCODED lol


More interesting then most stuff that is posted here. I have to say I was well amused through the entire short story and the climax was a little weird but still funny and a little unexpected. :p
I'm hurt. :(

:p

That was intense. Strange and confusing in the sense that like someone said, nothing was shown between the parents before that could've sparked this. But it was really good. :) It was simple, short, and pleasant cuz of that. Good job! :thup:

I predict that you get (as your grade) between an 87 to a 98! Yeah, you're right, those were just random numbers.

~Hai-Bye-Vine~
 
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