Death in Repentace

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
Two roads:
One down penitence –
One down hell;

Which one
Shall I choose?
Damnation to –

This underground:
It is like masochism
To me.

With every sensuality
And all gull –
And all humors,

I fall with you
To touch your –
Sweet lips.

It’s bitter
Like horseradish.
Sweet –

Like soft lemons.
Destructive,
Beautiful.

Wonderful.
Awesome.
Mine. Mine. Mine!

But in my hell;
In my mind –
You reach –

For your only
Love.
My heart beats –

Still not dead,
Yet barely breathing.
Love.

My feet cringe;
They rip out.
Tripping.

I wish
So much –
Fail more.

And yet there –
Love.
In my heart.

It cries:
Please –
Forgive.

I’m changed;
But I can’t –
Be moved.
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Reaction score
566
I definitely liked it overall, but some things kind of stuck out when I read it.

It seems like some of the sentences are fragments, like you're missing a word or two. Is that for any specific reason? Was this intentional or am I missing something? Take for instance here;

I wish
So much –
Fail more.

It's like a fragmented sentence, at least it sounds like it when I say it out loud.

You didn't seem to follow any typical structure from stanza to stanza, right? That's not wrong, because it still flowed really well, but I'm just curious if that was intentional. Probably was, I would imagine.

Also, the word horseradish made me laugh. I don't think the poem was meant to be comical it's just that "horseradish" is a word you don't typically see in poetry, least of all something like this and I had not choice but to audibly chuckle. No offense meant, just figured I'd let you know any adverse effects your writing had on the reader.

Like I said, overall I like it. Flowed well, interesting enough to keep me reading to the end. Nice.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
Hey, thank you for reading it! I'm glad that you laughed. A lot of it could've seemed very amusing since the poem was about insincere apologies and the nonsense philosophy of repentance. It was inspired by Montaigne's essay "On Repentance." The poem had intentionally flawed stanzas, sentences, analogies, and the like. :)
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
Add soft, destructive lemons to your list, Seth, :)

I liked it, too. I'm not really a poetry kind of guy, but I can say it was nice. Good stuff.
 
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