Demotry241's Story

demotry241

Don't Ever Categorize Yourself.
Reaction score
105
Demotry241's Story happened 20 years after the Competition Accident
(Patintero Zero Map)

16 years before the First Battles of the Nation( Game of Conquerors Map)

14 years before the Naval Confrontation (SeaField Map)

and 10 years after the ???(Work in Progress Map)

and 4 years before the Adventure of Jay(Work in Progress Cinematics Map)
------------------------------------------------------------
I present you.. my story.. well fictional anyway.

the tale of demotry241 takes off after his awakening.

at the peak of hill is a hove, inside that hovel lies the sleeping Demotry241, from the window we could see sunlight in where a butterfly suddenly appears.
as the butterfly flew inside the hovel, the butterly had decided to rest on Demotry241's nose. moments had passed and Demotry241 feels at unease.
as Demotry241's nose reaches it limits, Demotry241 opened his eyes, looking directly at the monstrous eyes of the insect. he didn't really care because he is half asleep.
the butterfly flew away as Demotry241 slowly sits on the bed. after a few moments he slowly stands and as he walks towards the main door, he could see scattered equipments on the ground.
alas opening it.. he was shocked to found out what was happening. everything was in chaos ,trees were destroyed, villages burning. and Infernal Rocks from the heavens crashed towards the face of the earth.
demotry241 became furious taken up his gears prepared on a desk long forgotten from the past from inside the hovel. he vowed revenge to who ever did this...




demotry241 is finished fitting his old gear. he is surprised to notice that he is still capable of wearing it. because he used to wear it while he was young. and now it fits perfectly, tight, and feels very flexible.
upon fitting his gauntlets. the sunlight again caught demotry241's eyes... and from the window he saw again the butterfly. demotry241 gently lift his arms and the butterfly rests on his fingers. demotry241 vows "Don't worry, this should be over soon enough",
and so the butterfly flew.. and now Demotry241 was ready.. staring at his door once again. but now instead of opening it. he kick the door open. and poses for a fight., as he look left and right. he could only feel bad for what he sees. then at that moment. demotry241 heard screams.
because of his keen eyes he spotted it real quick. it was a cage full of living breathing townsfolk. pulled by 2 abominations that looks like multiple corpses stitched together. and he also spot an overseer who which looks like a sturdy ,huge being unknown carrying a whip. and so demotry241 reach out for his left pocket, picking up a coin.
he then flips it.. and grabs and hide it with his hands. whispering "Let us hope that Lady luck is on your side".

as demotry241 removed his blind hand over the coin. the earth shook and demotry241 fell out of balance thus the coin fell to the ground. demotry241 mumbled *tsk. even Lady luck ignores your existence...* and hides the coin back to his pocket
the location of demotry241's house is at the cliffside facing the town. if it were to be heads, he would jump straight from the cliffs to the town.
instead demotry241 took the long route taking a long walk in the forest, the main road of the town.. and so on.
while he was walking he heard a wolf howl signifying night he then thinks about his past. (*it has been a long time since I have entered my deep sleep. 200 to 283 full moons?, well I can't remember too well since I was asleep during that time*)
he reached a tree stump. and made a campfire it seems he is planning to camp for the night. suddenly he felt and heard a presence in the bushes.

ignoring the threat Demotry241 continues setting up the fire, he senses that the unknown entity is getting closer and closer. still ignoring the threat Demotry241 picked some fruits from a nearby tree. and by that time. he senses a killing presence. Demotry241 cautiously stares at the direction of where the unknown entity is coming from while taking a dagger from his right side pants.
now he is ready.. waiting.. for its target to make it's first move. Demotry241 sweating from the upcoming encounter. felt something terribly wrong. and now more focused and with those sharp glaring eyes...
then a moment of silent ensued. Demotry241 then reviewed the situation, closing his eyes and concentrating once more. ("I can feel a killing Presence, but it's different from the one in front of me, If I were to guess, I think they're numbers are greater than one, but still something is wrong, Demotry241 Focus!') suddenly he heard noise coming from the nearest bush.
(HUh!, now I see, now it's clear) Demotry241 opened his eyes and smiles. he then reaches for a ignited firewood with his left hand and points it towards the bush. a shadows began to leap with a roar that sounds like lightning. Demotry241 leaped backwards to evade the fangs and claws of the shadowy figure. because of the ignited firewood in his left hand Demotry241 noticed what was attacking him, it was a giant hungry frost wolf.
he miscalculated his jump the Frost Wolf has leaped higher than anticipated. and so we see a frost wolf body pressing demotry241, due to the size of the wolf we can't see a trace of demotry241's body. and there was no movements.

a few moments later... the immobilized wolf started moving, a scream was heard nearby. Demotry241 responded thus immediately standing, looked towards the position of the scream..finding a child shivers in fear. a slamming sound was heard from the background, and the child fells unconscious to the ground. demotry241 looks behind where the slamming noise was heard. noticed the dead wolf on the ground. raises his right hand and looks at his dagger('I was lucky that my Knife was position on this wolf's heart before he body pressed me.')
then looks towards the child. and so demotry241 reach out for his left pocket, picking up a coin.

mehhh speculate everything.. this story will continue until i have enough plot holes for my cinematics :D
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
I read a sentence or two. I really don't have the time right now, so I'll read it later. :)
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
as the butterfly flew inside the hovel, the butterly had decided to rest on Demotry241's nose. moments had passed and Demotry241 feels at unease.
as Demotry241's nose reaches it limits, Demotry241 opened his eyes, looking directly at the monstrous eyes of the insect. he didn't really care because he is half asleep.

Wah?! Booo! :p

---

This story also had some silly half hearted cliche moments.

upon fitting his gauntlets. the sunlight again caught demotry241's eyes... and from the window he saw again the butterfly. demotry241 gently lift his arms and the butterfly rests on his fingers. demotry241 vows "Don't worry, this should be over soon enough",

he then flips it.. and grabs and hide it with his hands. whispering "Let us hope that Lady luck is on your side".

while he was walking he heard a wolf howl signifying night he then thinks about his past.

I'm not sure if you intended to be funny, but these "sentences" were hilarious.

---

and so the butterfly flew.. and now Demotry241 was ready.. staring at his door once again. but now instead of opening it. he kick the door open. and poses for a fight., as he look left and right. he could only feel bad for what he sees. then at that moment. demotry241 heard screams.

This paragraph is too vague.

*tsk. even Lady luck ignores your existence...*

Why do you use asterisks? I've seen italics, but never asterisks.

. . .the location of demotry241's house is at the cliffside facing the town. if it were to be heads, he would jump straight from the cliffs to the town.
instead demotry241 took the long route taking a long walk in the forest, the main road of the town.. and so on.

I'm assuming the earthquake killed off those two monsters when I get to this point in the story.

suddenly he felt and heard a presence in the bushes.

How did he feel the presence? And where exactly was this presence.

cautiously stares

Staring is an aggressive stance. The word caution is usually used to describe passive characters. So, I'm not sure what you mean. Do you want to explain it more?

("I can feel a killing Presence, but it's different from the one in front of me, If I were to guess, I think they're numbers are greater than one, but still something is wrong, Demotry241 Focus!') suddenly he heard noise coming from the nearest bush.

Your use of your own English is very apparent here. You changed "styles" throughout your story. :p

he then reaches for a ignited firewood with his left hand and points it towards the bush.

If his dagger was on his right hip, then his left hand would be holding the dagger.

a few moments later... the immobilized wolf started moving, a scream was heard nearby. Demotry241 responded thus immediately standing, looked towards the position of the scream..finding a child shivers in fear. a slamming sound was heard from the background, and the child fells unconscious to the ground. demotry241 looks behind where the slamming noise was heard. noticed the dead wolf on the ground. raises his right hand and looks at his dagger('I was lucky that my Knife was position on this wolf's heart before he body pressed me.')
then looks towards the child. and so demotry241 reach out for his left pocket, picking up a coin.

I know this might mean something special, but I just can't read it.

---

You could have made this story very funny and interesting if you didn't throw off the reader with unexpected twists. I enjoyed it anyways. :D
 

demotry241

Don't Ever Categorize Yourself.
Reaction score
105
well.. what can I say. hmm...

I don't like very serious stories. oh and I admit that I am a bad writer. oh and English is one of my good OH~! wait "BAD!!!" points.. well I tried. :D

EDIT: ENGLISH IS ONE OF MY BAD! Points!~!
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
I like humor. You did a very good job, but you need a better sense of flow and regularity. Also, it'd be nice if you revised this and improved your grammar usage.
 
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