Element read and give comments! if you like.

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Dustin11

Guest
The wind Howled through the crags of the mountains, bringing snow and sleet. The fog was dense nothing could be heard but the soft whistle of the wind, all was lost in the snow blaze. Some soft thumps could be heard nearby like a quickend man on the snow. Suddenly a darkend figure was getting close it was getting clearer and clearer. It was a women riding a white stallion, she was coverd in a soft white goose featherd cloak the hood arose over her face, she had a odd sword flapping on her side in its white sheath, She also held a bow with a quiver on her back reavealing arrows. she whispered somthing in the horses ear then the horse stopped. The horse had no reins just its bare back and a pearly white mane. When the horse stopped the women slid off her horse onto the soft snow she looked around as if expecting somone then whisperd "I think we lost them Shena." Shena neighed in approval. The snow fell down in fast mounds the women ingored it and listened intently, suddenly the women cocked an arrow and shot it threw the shadows there was a harsh scream then a moan, a thump shown someone falling out of the shadow it was a big beast that looked like it has been in battle for ages it had red eyes and brown skin and a small shirt it was as tall as a full grown man. An arrow protruded from its forehead, Shena neighed in shock, and as if on que four of the beasts jumped out swinging there axes wildly. The women pulled her sword out and bearly blocked an attack then stabed on through the chest and it fell motionless,the next one swung its axe at her and she jumped out of the way then she quickly cut of its arm, it fell over howling. She then caught one by surprise by stabing it in the back, there was one left it ran at her axe in hand she then cut off its hand it fell on its knees howling, then she seperated its head leaving a motionless corpse.
the women was panting her hood was off showing pure white hair and deep blue eyes some ears were poking out they were long and pointed. she was an elf, "well...that was impressive much more then i expected." said a sharp voice. A shadow approached it was a man with white hair, pale white skin, and blood red eyes, he wore black platemail with a strong black broadsword in hand. The elf swung her sword at him, the man easily parried and struck the sword out of her hand. "well if you wont cooperate then..." fire protruded from the mans palm in the other some green potion, quickly the man shot the fire and scorched the elve's armor she clutched it tightly. The man then shot some strange gas from his same hand she then fell over unconcious. He gave her the potion then slipped her on her horse, Shena looked as if in a trance then after the man got on his black horse they rode off in the shadow leaving the crumpled bodys and the once more silent whistle of the wind.

:Begining chapter:
hoped you liked it please send some comments :D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
The wind /H(h)/owled through the crags of the mountains, bringing snow and sleet. /The fog was dense nothing could be heard? seen/ but the soft whistle of the wind, all was lost in the snow blaze. Some soft thumps could be heard nearby like a quickend man on the snow. Suddenly a darke/ned/ figure was getting close it was getting clearer and clearer. It was a women riding a white stallion/,./ she was coverd in a soft white goose feathe/red/ cloak the hood arose over her face, she had a odd /sword flappingRustling/Shifting/ Swinging/ on her side in its white sheath/,./ She also held a bow with a quiver on her back /reavealing revealing/ arrows. she whispered somthing in the horses ear then the horse stopped. The horse had no reins/,/ just its bare back and a pearly white mane. When the horse stopped the women slid off her horse onto the soft snow she looked around as if expecting somone then whisperd "I think we lost them Shena." Shena neighed in approval. The snow fell down in fast mounds/but/ the women /ingoredignored/ it and listened intently/,./ suddenly the women /cocked ?/ an arrow and shot it threw the shadows there was a harsh scream then a moan, a thump shown someone falling out of the shadow/./ it was a big beast that looked like it has been in battle for ages/./ it had red eyes and brown skin and a small shirt it was as tall as a full grown man. An arrow protruded from its forehead/,./ Shena neighed in shock, and as if on que four of the beasts jumped out swinging there axes wildly. The women /pulled her sword out Didn't se shoot him with an arrow?/ and /bearly barely/ blocked an attack then stabed /one/ through the chest and it fell motionless/,./ the next one swung its axe at her and she jumped out of the way then she quickly cut of its arm, it fell over howling. /She then caught one by surprise by stabing it in the back Why would his back be turned when they're attacking?/, there was one left it ran at her axe in hand she then cut off its hand it fell on its knees howling, then she seperated its head leaving a motionless corpse.
the women was panting her hood was off showing pure white hair and deep blue eyes/./ some ears were poking out they were long and pointed. she was an elf, "well...that was impressive/,/ much more then i expected." said a sharp voice. A shadow approached/./ it was a man with white hair, pale white skin, and blood red eyes/,./ he wore black platemail with a strong black broadsword in hand. The elf swung her sword at him,/but/ the man easily parried and struck the sword out of her hand. "well if you wont cooperate then..." fire protruded from the mans palm/,/ in the other some green potion, quickly the man shot the fire and scorched the elve's armor she clutched it tightly. The man then shot some strange gas from his same hand she then fell over unconcious. He gave her the potion then slipped her on her horse, Shena looked as if in a trance then after the man got on his black horse they rode off in the shadow leaving the crumpled /bodys bodies/ and the once more silent whistle of the wind.

You have good writing style and good suspense, really work and that grammar, but you write well. Good job
 
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Dustin11

Guest
When you changed heard to see its wrong cuse you cant see the whistle of the wind...:D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
/The fog was dense nothing could be heard? seen
its the FOg thats dense shouldn't impair hearing, or atleast not too noticeably. and No thanks for doing all that work? didn't take five seconds...
 
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Dustin11

Guest
Yeah i was going to say thanks but my Com wouldent load yeah thanks for helping me out :D
 
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Dustin11

Guest
just wanted to point out that when you say dident HE get shot by an arrow
THEM there were four of his same race but thanks for pointing it out it will remind me to make it specific :)
 
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Dustin11

Guest
Sorry im leaving for awhile * im typing in my TLC class lol* so talk to ya later :)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
I reread it and I really like your writing style, even if it is a bit more childish then I regularly read in books. Thats not a bad thing, it comes in time.
Still VERY good
 
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Dustin11

Guest
:) Thanks ill work on it. could you tell me whats childish so i can work on it cuse im writing it at home now so i need some pointers on that
 

Jindo

Self
Reaction score
460
Sorry im leaving for awhile * im typing in my TLC class lol* so talk to ya later :)

Just quickly pointing out that this isn't a chat-room, people come on and off the site often, announcing it without even editing your post by just double-posting is unnecessary.

---

The story is good so far, but may I suggest breaking it up into paragraphs? It really hurts to read and to some lazier people, can be off-putting when put into a huge block of text :p.

The story itself though, I like :)!
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
" An arrow protruded from its forehead, Shena neighed in shock, and as if on que four of the beasts jumped out swinging there axes wildly. The women pulled her sword out and bearly blocked an attack then stabed on through the chest and it fell motionless,the next one swung its axe at her and she jumped out of the way then she quickly cut of its arm, it fell over howling. She then caught one by surprise by stabing it in the back, there was one left it ran at her axe in hand she then cut off its hand it fell on its knees howling, then she seperated its head leaving a motionless corpse."

First of all thats a run-on right there, and it only really shows in your battle scenes, which bring out the worst in many writers because authenticity and making the reader feel it is real can be harder then others. Even myself have problems with them. But make sure to put variation, details, and realisim in it. Try to describe every action, atleast in small fights such as this 1 to 4. Otherwise you have a great writing style. Read books such as Ender's Game/Shadow. (I myself prefer Shadow) and also Lord of the Rings. J.K. Rowling has an amazing realism writing style that mimics reality perfectly despite being fantasy. Anyways, just adult books that don't try to dumb it down or anything like that. I'm sure you already read those, but just keep reading. Reading is the key to writing.
 
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Dustin11

Guest
Im Reading Eragon and Eldest right now. But ill look at those books thanks :)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Nice I've read Eragon 12 (or 13?) times and Eldest 4. Good books!
 
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Dragon Fable

Guest
you have same Avatar as me >.< (Dustin11)

oh well im fine with it


Good story but like halahan said *if thats how you spell it :D * work on the grammer.

Revise it to nice work revivsing on this site but you need to do it yourself but still nice story :D


:shades:
 

Krys A Night

Writer
Reaction score
26
I like the idea that you have going with the story. It has been said that you do need help with your grammer. You would also do better breaking up that big chunk of text down into paragraphs and the likes. It will make it easier on the reader to follow the story.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Refer to my entire first post editation and correct all of those mistakes.
 
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