Emptiness Resides

LiveSsenkrad

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Hey guys :p I often indulge myself in writing poetry, but I'm not sure how good I am! I would like any kind of criticism, even if you don't like it! It would be greatly appreciated :)

I wrote this when I felt unsure whether God exists or not, as I was slipping into doubt and away from religion, in the form of an Elizabethan Sonnet.

A fire burning excitedly bright
Dulls through time
A sight once so perfectly white
Now a hollow chime.

A passionate belief now blackened
No sight of miraculous revival
Futile attempts now abandoned
A losing fight for survival

The cries of a harlot seems clear
Morals erased by eroded belief
No regret saved for lacking fear
Always waiting for impossible relief

Inevitably the battle is hopelessly lost
Never to be found whatever the cost.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
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Read this all outloud:

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country 'tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water

Did you run out of breath the first time reading this? If the answer is no, you are either a swimmer or a bad poetry reader (or perhaps the opposite if you prepared).

In poetry, punctuation is as important as the rhyme and the meter. Unlike prose, all poetry is meant to be read outloud. Those who say otherwise do not understand the tradition of poetry and should really, GTFO.

I must admit I could not recite this how you wanted me to. There are so few pauses, and I was left out of breath half way into the third stanza. And what was the hardest was that each line was written to make it seem like I should be stopping. How I wanted to read it was like this:

A fire burning excitedly bright
Dulls through time.
A sight once so perfectly white
Now a hollow chime.

A passionate belief now blackened-
No sight of miraculous revival-
Futile attempts now abandoned-
A losing fight for survival-

The cries of a harlot seems clear.
Morals erased by eroded belief.
No regret saved for lacking fear.
Always waiting for impossible relief.

Inevitably the battle is hopelessly lost-
Never to be found whatever the cost.

But if you really read it like this, it'd sound boring. The only beautiful stanza was the first, and this is actually really common, even I do this (the all-knowing, omnipotent, unnamed authority from the bowels of the en-ter-net). All other stanzas seem to grasp at ways to describe the first or reinforce it. I know teachers always tell you to do shit like that, but I've always done better when my writing is original and stands-for-itself-word-by-word.

When read outloud, the poem sounds kinda nice. I gotta admit that. But the context lacks in imagery, meaning, and flow. If I were your teacher, I'd give you an A for understanding the basic concepts, but if I were a publisher, I would only publish and advertise this to spite the traditions of writing.

This criticism is perhaps the nicest and most honest you'd get. I have a theory that writers are just egos with bodies. That's probably why it's said that no writer makes it into heaven.
 

LiveSsenkrad

Member
Reaction score
3
Read this all outloud:

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country 'tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water

Did you run out of breath the first time reading this? If the answer is no, you are either a swimmer or a bad poetry reader (or perhaps the opposite if you prepared).

In poetry, punctuation is as important as the rhyme and the meter. Unlike prose, all poetry is meant to be read outloud. Those who say otherwise do not understand the tradition of poetry and should really, GTFO.

I must admit I could not recite this how you wanted me to. There are so few pauses, and I was left out of breath half way into the third stanza. And what was the hardest was that each line was written to make it seem like I should be stopping. How I wanted to read it was like this:



But if you really read it like this, it'd sound boring. The only beautiful stanza was the first, and this is actually really common, even I do this (the all-knowing, omnipotent, unnamed authority from the bowels of the en-ter-net). All other stanzas seem to grasp at ways to describe the first or reinforce it. I know teachers always tell you to do shit like that, but I've always done better when my writing is original and stands-for-itself-word-by-word.

When read outloud, the poem sounds kinda nice. I gotta admit that. But the context lacks in imagery, meaning, and flow. If I were your teacher, I'd give you an A for understanding the basic concepts, but if I were a publisher, I would only publish and advertise this to spite the traditions of writing.

This criticism is perhaps the nicest and most honest you'd get. I have a theory that writers are just egos with bodies. That's probably why it's said that no writer makes it into heaven.

I thank you very much for taking your time for your input! This is exactly what I wanted, nothing sugar-coated but straight up! I will take what you've said in serious consideration and hopefully I can pass the point where I'd please a teacher at the very most :p
 
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