Experiment with words

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Ninva, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    +375 / 0 / -0
    The sky is pink, tinted with a dusky gray that transcends this canvas, creating some sort of blue. Billowing out of its essence is the moisture that is disguised as white. Raindrops fall and feeds the ravenous thirst of the Chicago streets.

    Birds mourn in the soft, endless downpour. They ruffle their feathers, chirp, and watch with their contempt swelled -- bulging out their down past their second layer.

    I sit there, fully protected by the rain and its morose. Hidden in my tower, where I live. I watch the pink skies drown the sun and bury the earth.
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  2. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

    +237 / 0 / -0
    Pretty piece with vivid imagery, but a few mistakes that, in my opinion, seem to detract from the piece. Sorry I haven't commented sooner, I missed this thread.

    I like the first line, although I feel you should better describe the 'sort of blue' that it creates; grey and pink making blue, well, that's gotta be a strange, odd, or some kind of eerie color. I didn't even realize you could make blue with those ;)
    I feel like the second line ends somewhat abruptly, saying that they're 'disguised white' just doesn't have a pleasing ring to it, although it's plenty descriptive.
    Third line is good, although you have opposing tenses - the raindrops shouldn't 'fall' in the past tense, and then 'feeds' in the perfect present. Better written as, "Raindrops fall, feeding the ravenous..." Very nice otherwise, though.

    First line, perfect. Second line is great, although the very last part seems like you were reaching for the right words, and couldn't quite find them. Still, I was able to assume your meaning, and it made for some nice imagery in my head-piece.

    I really enjoyed the last paragraph/two sentences, except for one part - '..., where I live. I..." I truly, truly feel as if that part is unnecessary, and seems to break it up in an ugly sense. "Hidden in my tower, I watch the pink skies drown the sun and bury the earth." <-- has a much better flow, says the same thing (as his living there can be assumed, and absolute knowledge of this fact does nothing beneficial toward the piece).

    Still, I enjoyed it, and was able to get a beautiful sense of the setting in a short period of time, without losing interest as can often happen in other works. Well done.
  3. KaerfNomekop

    KaerfNomekop Swim, fishies. Swim through the veil of steel.

    +607 / 0 / -0
    It does make for a good point of continuity though. If this piece were to be extended, that line gives the only point of reference; the rest of it is all descriptive and does little to push the story along, other than giving us an image of the landscape which the protagonist is currently in.

    I think the "moisture disguised as white" was meant to be clouds. Or mist descending on the city, if it wasn't raining.

    Thanks, Ninva. You refreshed me halfway through school.
  4. Fatmankev

    Fatmankev Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker

    +237 / 0 / -0
    I mean, I hear what you're saying here but I tend to disagree for two reasons. First, even without the knowledge that it's his home, it still gives the story a point of reference - and if it were to be continued, Ninva wouldn't necessarily be restricted to making the tower his home; it could be his prison, his destination from a journey, or any number of other things, too. Second, and nulling the second part of my first point, is that this was meant to be an experiment with words, I assumed deliberately as an imagery exercise. I don't believe this is a piece meant to be continued. It's certainly fine, just the length it is. But like I said, I do hear what you're saying there.

    Yeah, I got that, too. Like I said, though, the way it's worded seems to end the sentence somewhat abruptly, and I just feel like Ninva could improve on that if he - wait for it - experimented with words a little.

    I agree with you, though. No one can complain about a sweet, short read.

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