Feremuntrus's Reign

Battlemapsta

I am the Conduit of Change
Here is a little story I'm working on. Hoping after some good comments to continue it.

Chapter 1- A Farm Day Gone Barbaric

"Feremuntrus! Honey, please get the cattle out of the barn real quick!" screamed Feremuntrus's mother, Danifille. "Coming mother!" replied Feremuntrus with loyalty. It was a bright sunny day in the farm of the Godwill located on the very steeps of the Redridge Mountains. Feremuntrus Godwill, a faithful and loyal 15 year old, was raised by his mother in the farm where their family resided in for over a century.

As activites continued in their monotonous aspects, a dark and unusual storm swept across the mountains. It was uncommon for such storms to spew in the ranges of the mountains but as most things are in Azeroth, anything may occur. The storm continued to roam the fields as if searching for something. Eventually after leaving destruction and desolation in it's path, it began to embark on a pathway into the Godwill farm.

Feremuntrus was busy working the cattle unaware of the storm that was approaching towards his own farm. He soon got the cattle out and noticed the sky was very dark. It was unusual and he went to tell his mother who was inside the farm house. "Mother! Mother!" he attempted to scream through the window. The result was silence as the storm continued to head towards the farm. He began to open the door but in utter unbelief, it was locked.

Feremuntrus was at the break of fear and came to a conclusion. He began to huddle the cattle back into the barn for protection while stepping in front of the storm. "If my fate lies from the power of this storm, then let this storm consume my essence". Knowing hiding wouldn't help, he raised his hands as if attempting to grab the storm and waited patiently. The storm near his fragile body, amazingly stopped. Feremuntrus was completely relieved and he dropped gleefully on the grassly plain.

With the storm's sudden pause, things were beginning to degrade and change around Feremuntrus. He saw the sky red like fire with the grounds dripped in blood. He was confused and frightened as to what was going on. He looked in the distance and saw the storm resuming its pathway towards him. He began to sprint with terror but was halted immediately thereafter. Dead bodies hold grip of his feet and in an instant, his body started to slowly become sucked into the blood in the field. As his body continued to sink lower a figure burst forward.

"My name is Sargaras mortal. You shall be the first of my corrupted creations. Abandon your impudent mortality and join me in glory and power beyond imagining!" The consuming of the blood staticed and defenceless Feremuntrus only listened and trembled with the site of this unnatural entity. Sargaras in his eyes resembled a demon with armor bent from the voids of the nether and skin of that crafted from the devil's own mind. "You have little time to decide your fate. Accept or be swept in death like all the other mortal fools" Feremuntrus staunchly replied, "I accept your request demon lord, but let my mother be spared of death." Sargaras felicitously replied. "Hehehe, Your mother will be clear of harm but only if you abandon this farm forever!"

Feremuntrus was stunned and couldn't believe the sudden choice he had to make. If he had left and stayed with his mother, they both would've been dead but if he chose to go, his mother would be safe with the exception of him never able to see her again. Feremuntrus concentrated fully aware of the vile abomination's impatience. Before Sargaras was about to scream in disgust, he swiftly answered," I shall go, let corruption manifest my purity. If my beloved mother be spared of harm, then I shall go" Sargaras, noticeable of his delectation pointed his large finger on the head of the consumed mortal form of Feremuntrus and then withdrew his finger. Feremuntrus suddenly felt a slight burn on his forehead. He was unable to find out what caused this grieving pain to his body which was being drenched in the dry blood that reached up to his neck.

The pain manifested his body spreading everywhere and unleashing much pain and suffering. The pain was so unbearable that he screamed hopelessly during the manifestation. His mother, who had locked herself in at the barn heard the screams and promptly recognized the sound of her dear beloved son. She came outside to see what had gone on with the blood and dark sky. She was shocked and as she turned her head towards Feremuntrus, she was near a stroke. The very sight of Sargaras spread like a nightmare around her body. Unable to let her fears succum herself, she ran up to Sargaras and attempted to assult him with her broom. "Hellish spawn, release my child, and let your corruption decay in hell forever!" she yelled in fury. "Foolish mortal" replied Sargaras, "The inevitable has already been achieved. It is only a matter of time before I have no use for this child and then I will only find another subordinate to replace him. Your impudence; however, shall not go unpunished though." Sargaras drew a massive cleaver and slaughtered Danifille without remorse.

Feremuntrus, who had witnessed this barbarity during his suffering, had erupted in a waterfall of tears. He had discovered the hopelessness of his decision and that his fate was now sewn in with the dictation of this fiend. He attempted to stop screaming and crying and closed his eyes after the suffering ended and fell in a horrific sleep.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
I suggest you look into Old English a bit more if you're going to us it. I'm no expert, but from what I've read by Shakespear your old English (and current English) needs some polishing. Also, make sure your sentences make sense too. There were some iffy spots, but your story was generally good; keep writing.
 

Battlemapsta

I am the Conduit of Change
yea I think using old english makes it sound better but where can I find some sites for old english?

I only know like art thou and thy lol
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Yea, but you seem to use more "old time" dialect in dialog, but you do mix it up with "modern time" dialect as well. Try reading some Shakespear.
 

Battlemapsta

I am the Conduit of Change
I actually did just recently but I forgot most of the words. Not too fond at reading books. I might change the context in a more modern dialect unless someone can kindly supply me with a resource site.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
I suggest you look into Old English a bit more if you're going to us it. I'm no expert, but from what I've read by Shakespear your old English (and current English) needs some polishing. Also, make sure your sentences make sense too. There were some iffy spots, but your story was generally good; keep writing.
Now, claiming shakespear as old english is not true. What he wrote was even confusing for the people at the time. It was his own branch of english as it were.

Just thought i would mention that - Old English =/= Shakespear
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Now, claiming shakespear as old english is not true. What he wrote was even confusing for the people at the time. It was his own branch of english as it were.

Just thought i would mention that - Old English =/= Shakespear
And how do you know this? Shakespear was a poet, true. But the stuff isn't confusing... It just isn't.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
And how do you know this? Shakespear was a poet, true. But the stuff isn't confusing... It just isn't.
Same way you learn things - though school. And claiming its not confusing is not true. Many people claim it is hard, I know I do. Some people find it easier, some dont.
 

Zakyath

Member
Eh, I wouldn't use Wikipedia for anything. They could be flat lies that we can't detect due to our ignorance. Please don't support Wikipedia, you really can't tell me everything on it is 100% true.
what the? I never said everything on wikipedia was true or blahblahblah;

I gave him a link when he asked for it...
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Pineapple, Zak, I haven't heard so much bullcrap on a forum for a long time. It's hard to take this forum seriously anymore...
You may learn stuff through school, but honestly now, Shakespear wrote his work in Old English (even if it was a different "style" or "branch" of English), and no, you didn't supply any kind of support to the author's request by posting a random link that may be misguiding. You actually may hurt his chances to get things right.

I'm sorry guys, but your rash comments won't scare me into a corner again. That's Seth's job; not yours.

P.S. Shakespear is Old English. A "branch" English or not. He wrote his plays in Old English. At that time, people didn't have one way of doing things. Our lack of communication broke us off so much that one place English could be mixed with such-and-such a language and another could be mixed with another... It gets complex back then. There was no "one way" like we do now - there still isn't. And our writers like to change rules sometimes. Languages and literature are not like math.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
Its simple. Shakespear is a poet.

When people right poems they use simmilies and metaphors. They takes words and change meanings. They wont write a poem thats bland like we talk.

"I looked at the flowers blooming,
on the side of the river.
I thought they looked pretty,
I picked some for my wife."

Poets dont do that. yes, shakespear did use Old english - but people didn't speak like that. Just like people dont speak like our poems.

And honestly, he gave a link to help him out, and there is nothing wrong with Wikipedia. I wouldn't use for school or a job, but for some random stuff you would like to know its fine.

You should really drop that elitist attitude.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
It's not an elitist attitude. I love literature, but I don't like people jumping in the thread telling me that my advice is basically worthless.
I'm sure you believed that I was implying that Shakespeare was Old English dialect, but that's not true. I was simply suggesting that he reads a bit more Shakespeare to get an idea of flow and Old English. Shakespeare did excellent with both.
If you read the story, you would have learned that the author used large and elegant words, and then he used crummy and regular words, which didn't flow at all. I wasn't going to tell him his story sucked because I didn't like the flow, no. I've had others who have told me this, and they've ripped my stories apart without a thought... No, I've learned that writers are never encouraged to rewriter by this critique.
Also, poets still follow some lines of grammar. I'm sure if you read a good amount of Shakespeare you would agree that some of his paragraphs look so fragmented that it's hard to read, and I admit that I had to reread a paragraph a few times to understand what he wrote, but that's Shakespeare and my lack of focus for you.

@Zak
I'm sorry for attacking your post like that, but I'm against Wikipedia, and always will be. I've read topics on that site I know from a lifetime of study, and I only found out that Wikipedia can be both intelligently funny and stupid... Too many inside jokes are also implied that ignorant people (like us) would not catch. Wikipedia is a more of a giant joke book than for anything educational.
 

Zakyath

Member
well, it's okay x) just that, as far as I know, most on that page is correct. Especially the things I expected him to read.
 

Knight7770

Hippopotomonstrosesquiped aliophobia
well, it's okay x) just that, as far as I know, most on that page is correct. Especially the things I expected him to read.
How is he supposed to know what you expected him to read? :confused:

Chapter 1- A Farm Day Gone Oblivious
Are you sure you mean oblivious and not something else?
"I accept thy's request but art thou mother be spared of death?"
There are a few things wrong there. One is thy's; thy is already possessive (equivalent of 'your'). The other is art thou. Since thou is basically the Old English word for 'you,' it doesn't make sense there. You would use 'art thou' like this: "Art thou leaving?" or "Art thou not going to oblige this simple request?"

http://home.comcast.net/~modean52/oeme_dictionaries.htm
That should help out with your Olde (;))English problem.

Sometimes you use 'thy' instead of the equivalent of 'my' (possibly 'mine,' as in "Mine name is..." Of course, that would be slightly illiterate).

Good luck :D
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
I feel obligated to say that, despite how often schools tell you not to use wikipedia as a resource because anyone can add anything to it, the vast majority of information on there is pretty accurate. Wikipedia is different than normal wikis because it's so popular and widely-known that they have people going through all of the material to check for its authenticity, and most everything has numerous sources providing the information. So really, checking out Olde English on Wikipedia wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Now that I've aided in the continuation of this off-topic bullshit, I'd like to say something to Battlemapsta:
Brotha, I couldn't bring myself to read your story because the Olde English/Modern Dialect kinda deal you've got going is pretty absurd. You should either do a lot of research, like you've been planning, or else just rewrite the story in the Right language.

Anywho, post something when you change it in either fashion, and I'll give it another look.
 

Battlemapsta

I am the Conduit of Change
I'm going to change it to modern english after much consideration. I hope to post a new thread with the first and second chapters quite shortly.
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Test!
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    I must be in a test server.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Nice, Twitter tweets embedding now works
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Yup.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Excellent.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    @tom_mai78101 Hello there.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Tagging works in the chat too.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    @Ghan Missed it.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Still fixing things here and there. Added widgets to the portal, will make it match the ones here on the forum index tomorrow.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    The venerable World Editor Tutorials site has been converted to HTTPS at last.
  • jonas jonas:
    cool
  • jonas jonas:
    and I can even edit my messages, nice
  • seph ir oth seph ir oth:
    GENERAL CHIT CHAT, YOU ARE A BOLD ONE
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Hello there
  • The Helper The Helper:
    this new chatbox is great and the forum software update is great too
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    upgrade has fixed forum registration spam problem
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Something tells me we might be able to customize the chatbox a bit, considering that there's a gap under every message.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Going to deploy a fix soon, just had to take some time for myself this weekend.
  • Varine Varine:
    Unbelievable. Time for yourself? How dare you!
  • Wizard Wizard:
    xD
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Hm, it is now harder to type anything on an Android phone. Pressing Backspace or Enter keys will dismiss the Android keyboard for some reasons.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Just noticed there's a delay of at least 2 minutes before each post. Guess I can't post Headline News quickly as I used to.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    As far as I can tell, there are definitely things I need to get accustomed to first.
  • Varine Varine:
    FCC is cracking down recently

    Staff online

    Members online

    Affiliates

    Hive Workshop
    Top