Gummy Bear Freedom

[Jesus4Lyf]

*Waves*
Hiya. First time I've stopped by the creative writing forum... thought I'd post something. I've been meaning to publicly release this, and well, it was suggested I do so here.

If you're wondering who I am, I usually hide out in the resources section of the World Editor forum for Warcraft III.

Feel free to let me know what you think, but this is basically a finished piece.

It was written under exam conditions in 90 minutes, during my last year of high school, in English class. It ended up getting a score of 100%. The original question is featured in the document, also.

Feel free to also comment on any thoughts it provokes (as that's the point of it). Hope you like it.

 

[Ninva]

I like your writing style. It's different and it's dramatic with a poetic twist. It reminds me of my ideal prose.

I kicked gently at the wooden cupboard in front of me in a vain attempt to help psyche myself up as she worked away at constructing my fate.

Aren't you looking for another word?

I folded my arms and watched her hands frantically attack the shiny, white packet in vain, but eager attempts to get it open.

The word vain is already redundant. Your description contradicts itself, which makes the action seem awkward. I think that's cool, but you should choose better words.

Also, this sentence is messed up.

I folded my arms and watched her hands frantically attack the shiny, white packet in vain; however, she was eager to get it open.

I'm not so sure if the comma should go after the word shiny, yet I don't have my textbook out on the desk. I'm too lazy to get it.

It had all started a week ago when I had offered to shout her McDonalds for lunch.

???

We had been friends for several weeks and to be honest, I wanted to get to know her a little better.

We had been friends for several weeks, and I honestly wanted to get to know her a little better.

I wasn't so sure about the "to be honest" bit, so I used the adverb form instead. I hope that doesn't screw up your style. It's just an example though. Review the rules for conjunctions.

When she smiled, the world smiled with her. When she laughed, her eyes sparkled like… like a packet of gummy bears.

I like this.

If we became something more, there was the risk of losing all these wonderful little things which made knowing her so great.

I recommend using the word that instead of the word which. The word which usually comes along with comma. It's also used to describe unessential things. The word that doesn't stop the flow of the sentence, and it's commonly used to describe essential things.

I pushed the end of my just desert into my mouth, and bit down.

Take the comma out.

Immediately, I felt the bread stick to the roof of my mouth, and the syrup coated my teeth.

You felt the bread stick to the roof of your mouth? I suggest you revise this sentence to say what you exactly want to say.

EDIT: OOOOOOH! The bread stuck to the roof of your mouth! Haha. Maybe you should choose a different word.

Would it be truer freedom to take her in my arms and tell her how I felt about her, or to tell her that it needed more gummy bears?

Aw, come on! I wanted him to do something! Good job.

You really touched me (in the good way). I really enjoyed this story. You're a very intelligent individual with a creative side. I like that, and I'm a bit envious of you. But who wouldn't be? Feel free to submit any story anytime. I'll read it.

 

[Jesus4Lyf]

>Aren't you looking for another word?
Psyche (verb): (transitive) To put (someone) into a required psychological frame of mind.

>The word vain is already redundant. Your description contradicts itself
Hmm... Using parenthesis to demonstrate what applies to what...

I folded my arms and watched her hands frantically attack the (shiny, white) --> packet in (vain, but eager) --> attempts to get it open.

Vain as in failing (to do something "in vain"), but yet still eager... still persistent...

>I folded my arms and watched her hands frantically attack the shiny, white packet in vain; however, she was eager to get it open.
Hmm... It doesn't flow the same, and doesn't suit the voice telling the story for the rest of it, quite...

In a first person story, I'd be more concerned about having a consistent tone and flow to the voice telling it than being grammatically perfect. People don't always speak with perfect grammar. The narrator is a character...

>I'm not so sure if the comma should go after the word shiny, yet I don't have my textbook out on the desk. I'm too lazy to get it.
Multiple adjectives, I believe it does.

>???
Ah, I don't know what country you're from or if this applies there, but in Australia, to "shout" someone lunch is slang for buying them lunch (paying for 'em).

>I hope that doesn't screw up your style.
To be honest, that's just how I talk as a character. (Same point as above.)

>I recommend using the word that instead of the word which.
I agree. I should probably change that, but probably won't bother.

>Aw, come on! I wanted him to do something!
At this point, the story is no longer what's important. It throws itself on the reader - hopefully the reader identifies with a situation in their life, or is seeing what it would be like to be in this situation... and is considering what values are important to them, and what the best thing is for their own life and friends and relationships.

Most people don't get to process this before they find themselves alone with a girl who they're really fond of. And it's easy to kind of get serious and stuff. I don't know if you read the statement of intention, but the idea of Gummy Bear Freedom is to say that just continuing as friends is a very awesome option.

>You're a very intelligent individual with a creative side. I like that
Hey, thanks. I'm really glad you enjoyed my work, and I'm very appreciative of your wonderful kind words and comments on my writing style/suggestions. So thanks for reading. :thup:

I'll consider posting some stuff here from time to time. ^_^

 

[Ninva]

I'll consider posting some stuff here from time to time. ^_^

Great! Thanks for all the insightful replies. I disagree with some of your statements, but it's not my job to tell you what to do. Just keep writing.

My comment about the ending wasn't a real suggestion. It was just my reaction. Haha.

Take care.

 

[Syndrome]

I just had to say that your story was amazing and is beyond my level of writing -_-.
Keep up the good work! Amazing for the first thing you have ever posted on a creative writing forum xD

 

[SerraAvenger]

Like it a lot : )

Quite cliché, yet a story most of us know.

 

[Father_Yetti]

I really like your writing style, its refreshing compared to most things I read. How old are you by the way if you don't mind my asking?

 

[quraji]

Hey, I think most of us can identify with this..

Nice writing, especially considering it was for a timed essay. I usually did the same sort of thing taking those exams in high school. I'd never write the essays for assignments, but I'd write some (I think) above average stuff on the exams just to spite them :thup:

Anyways, nice job. Now I have to see if I have anything good from school.