Hitchhickers Guide to Warcraft

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
Don't Panic

Welcome to The Hitchhikers Guide to Warcraft, a completely definitive guide dedicated to make the life of a noob (see diseases, 1.7) much easier. As the real world needs guides to operate on to survive, as well as basic rules and regulations to make life a living hell, so do digital worlds.

The Hitchhikers Guide to Warcraft is a wholly remarkable, as its researchers plummet to the depths of Warcraft’s history and culture (as well as the depths of their wits) to supply the most biased and wonderfully amazing book ever not actually written! Aside from the grammar mistakes and biased opinions of the co-authors (which will have a nice write up if the website ever launches), this book will help you act like a pro, and make sure you are removed from Real Life (see diseases) as soon as possible. WE even have our own guide to see if you’re actually addicted to Warcraft!

Among these amazing features, the book also features the familiar 'Don't Panic' In nice big, bold yellow letters. Though I don't know what that's for.

ToC parts with asterisks mean there is nothing in that section yet*

1) Warcraft
1.1) What is Warcraft?
1.2) Where is Warcraft found?
1.3) How do you play Warcraft?
1.4) The Warcraft story
1.5) The Uses of Warcraft
1.6) Warcraft Guide for Aliens
1.7) Diseases of Warcraft
2) Characters of importance (like VIPs)
3) Humans
3a) Human units
3b) Human story
3c) Human heroes
4) Orcs
4a) Orc units*
4b) Orc story
4c) Orc heroes*
5) Night Elves*
5a) Night Elves Units
5b) Night Elves Story
5c) Night Elves Heroes*
6) Undead*
6a) Undead Units
6b) Undead Story*
7) Strategies You Haven't Thought of Yet
7a) When in a losing situation in a Free for All
7b) When in a losing situation in a Team Game
8) Custom maps
8a) The Lost Map
9) World of Warcraft
9a) Foods of WoW
9b) Random Information to Help You Survive in the World of Warcraft


1.1) What is Warcraft?

Warcraft is a game made by Blizzard. People have spent countless hours on things that make no sense, and Warcraft has been one of these greater time wasters. The most interesting thing about Warcraft is that it is typed completely with the left hand, making it very annoying to spell. It also seems to make people angrier the longer they play it, and destroys any chance of people being able to speak, talk, or spell correctly ever again. Among the biggest time wasters, Warcraft has been exploiting the masses, making online play seem 'free' is an exception, as all hosts are lousy idiots who think they can do whatever they want, like porn, be a nuisance, ect. As one great thinker didn't say," He who can, does. He who cannot, plays Warcraft," [I said that. I said that when I was smoking pot.] which may be why it is one of the best selling games ever. It may be classified as a special plague, infection millions of people at a time, from an hour to the end of their lives. Because of this, we may see that Warcraft will destroy our world as we know it. UNTRUE. The world is already destroyed by the fact that we aren't going outside anymore.

1.2) Where is Warcraft found?

Warcraft is known by many gamers as a Real-Time Strategy Game, played by those who feel a desire to control an army, essentially. [animated picture of a kid leading an army, then popping into their computer chair] Cutting to point, Warcraft is usually found in the Supermarket under Electronics. However, other peoples have found it on download site, along with cracks, which is ILLEGAL. [animated picture of a supermarket, with a sandwich boarded man that has a picture of RoC on it, then a computer screen downloading RoC, then a policeman beating the kid up.]

1.3) How do you play Warcraft?

Warcraft, like many games, is a real time strategy game. The point of the game is to click more times than your opponent. The secondary point is to hear all the funny voice acting for all the units. Thousands of people have wasted their lives on such and effort, and Blizzard (see article 1.1) will occasionally give out large sums of money and computer upgrade equipment to who can do this fastest. Although there are several other applications for this purpose, this one seems to be one of the most popular, as it can also be used in Real Life experiences because of clicking on other units gets mouse accuracy higher.

1.4) The Warcraft Story so far:

There is no back-story to Warcraft.

At least, none that anyone really cares about.

Rumors persist of a long, complex, and important back-story, which details the formation of the world, however, as of this writing no researcher could bear to play the older titles for long enough to find out exactly what this might be. Suffice it to say that, whether the world of Warcraft was dragged out of a fiery abyss by a million screaming demons, or picked nonchalantly from the nose of a slumbering demi-god, you will still spend far more of your time in that world than in the real one, where there are unpleasant realities like retail jobs, international wars, and the fact that you may very well die without ever having sex. Actually, you can just read the damned back-story in the Blizzard website, but who cares.

(For additional information on how never to have sex, see entry 1.3, "How do you play Warcraft?"

1.5) Uses of Warcraft

There are several important uses of Warcraft. Only one of which is as an icon-clicking tool. Instead of answering you’re playing a video game, answer that you are using an important mouse clicking accuracy tool. The longer people think your doing this, the more you'll look important, and therefore be able to apply for Warcraft competitions (see article 1.3)

Another use is to procrastinate. Usually the internet is a good enough tool for procrastination, but just in case you can't, Blizzard (see article 1.1) decided that they could make massive amount of money selling a different procrastination application, which we know as Warcraft. This program does not need the internet, and can crash your computer instantly.

1.6) Warcraft Guide for Aliens

If any alien life form wants to play this game, there are a few simple rules to make game play much better.

1. It doesn’t matter if you don't speak the language. Most people don't even bother speaking the real language of the server they're on.

2. Always host a game stating where you come from. People will be impressed when they find someone hosting from Venus or Pluto or something.

3. If someone insults you, just write 'STFU N00B!!!' over and over again. This will work better if you don't know the language.

4. Never NEVER EVER write in complete sentences.

5. Never use proper grammar.

6. Never ever spell 'the' and 'and' properly.

7.Use your native language, it probably looks and sounds like noobish. For instance:

You may be trying to say: Your base is not so well established. I am going to destroy it.
In noobish this is: OMGOMGWTFOMFG!!!!!/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\ur bse s ded 1377lolololol!!!>)))))KLLU!!!urn00bnn00b1377lololololololo/\!!!!

Also, if you were trying to taunt your opponents: You are not good at this game.
Noobish: urdednooblololololol!!!!suk!suk!13371337!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, all you need is character translation.

You want to say: Oh man you beat me
Noobish:rdefsxehnabiup aerngaq[hg[3Q vkegn seur ghirngeaiuergeigea bairb1ip28074t1h tyhq34ohih4t374yho032hit4h3o

8. When hosting a game it is important to say how fast your computer is so there won't be any "lag", even though the other players may very well have crap computers. Saying large amounts of technical info about the machine your playing on is usually able to convince them.

9. While the fancy looking icons may look nice to click on- DON'T! Remember right clicking is the point of the game (See section 1.3).
If you feel compelled to see what they do, then smash the keyboard, it produces the same effect as clicking on the icons.

10. Standard Rules:

a) If you have died or lost, the opponent has likely used hacks or has an imba hero. Call attention to this fact to punish them. EX."imba! imba!!!111 teh haxxors!1!!1" or something similar.

b) If you have won, your are obviously a pro. Call attention to this fact so enemies will realize your wc3 prowess. EX. "im pro! u noobs! n00bs! nubs! fukin noobs11!1 you sux noob" or something similar.

11. Things to remember: alt+f4 is a way to get out of embarrassing mistakes the more peasants you have, the faster you harvest... and the faster you die to rushes...

12. If by some miracle you are able to understand the language of your opponents (or allies for that matter) you may find an unusual amount of insults being directed at you. While it may seem tempting to eliminate them through that UFO you have parked in orbit above Earth, it is much more satisfying and efficient to just defeat them in whatever game you are playing.

They will demand a rematch or give a crap excuse (ex. Damn lag!) in which you should defeat them again. This will cause the person to most likely kill them self anyways, saving you the trouble and providing a good laugh as well as self-esteem boost.

13. When all else fails in a multiplayer game, you can always leave. Or you can disconnect your internet, which is like leaving, but there is a chance others will think it wasn't your fault.

1.7) Diseases of Warcraft

There are several diseases of Warcraft. All of them deadly, and able to affect thousands at a time. Here are the most common ones and their cure.

1. Grammeritis: Makes a person lose all ability to use proper grammar. It is also passed through communication programs. Often affects massive groups at a time. Often combined with Spelk.
Example: its i 1337ness skillzers that pwnz0rz j00
Duration: About as long as you’re on Warcraft, or any other internet communication device.
Cure: Get off communication device/ Warcraft, write an English paper.

2. Spelk: Makes a person lose ability to spell anything properly. Anything that IS spelled properly is probably a mistake. Affects massive groups at a time. Passed on through communication programs as well. Often combined with Grammeritis.
Example: Mi teh ultimgat hax vnoob
Duration: Forever, unless there's spell-checker.
Cure: Learn to spell. Practice spelling instead of playing Warcraft.

3. 1337n3zz: Makes a person think he is better than everyone else. Makes them take time to write in a ridiculous style. Often contracted when exposed to Grammeritis and Spelk too long. Only affects one person at a time, but occasionally there are group outbreaks.
Example: y0 /\/00B!!!11 /\/\Y 1337n3zz |-|4>\/\//\/!!!1111one!!!one11!!!
Duration: Usually lasts a short time, for the person is either booted, or dies from taking too much time for typing like that.
Cure: Try to limit to Spelk. You will soon figure out it takes too long to bother with this, so it will go away quickly, but is replaced with a more vicious form of Spelk.

4. Stupidity: A most dangerous disease that no one knows you cought until it is too late. When you contact it, you end up thinking that it’s everyone else that is the looser, and it's you whose smart. This disease is often combined with all diseases, and can be fatal if not treated immediately.
Example: in hosts: OMG, you t00k 3 seconds to dl, stupid noob!!
Person: what the...?
Person left the game!

In gamers: OMG!! game so imba! omg!
Guy: No, you just suck, and you run into the towers 12 times.
Gamer: no!! imba game! You all suck! I rock!
Gamer has left game
Guy: omg... n00b!
Duration: Until death. Usually there's no realization that your stupid until it's too late, and then you're dead, killed by people much smarter than you.
Cure: Realize that you’re an idiot. Go to school. Learn. Grow. Become less like an idiot. if that all fails[And it always fails. There is no known cure.], shoot yourself.

5. Real Life: Not really a disease, most people have it without knowing it, but a good gamer will recognize real life, and delay it fantastically with doing other pointless things (suck as playing Warcraft!)
Example: look outside your house. If none of it is recognizable, you are lacking Real Life.
Duration: It comes and goes, most people don't notice, but games will expose themselves for short times (such as for jobs or school) and then quickly reemerge themselves in their digital world.
Cure: Play more video games, and surf the internet for hours at a time.

6. Suckiness
Symptoms: Losing every game you have ever played, cannot beat the campaign without cheats, etc.
Example of symptoms in a map: When you play a melee map and you are partnered with someone with Suckiness, you travel to his base to buy something from his Arcane Vault. What? All he has are 5 peasants getting lumber? It's already 15 minutes into the game!! You type to him 'hey, get some gold and build a base, noob' He types back 'i like wood'
Cure: Read the eleventh commandment: THOU SHALT NOT SUCK

2) Characters of Importance
The blatant truth of Warcraft is that there are no characters of real importance, but rather characters who haven't necessarily died yet in the past couple of missions. These "heroes" are few and far between (well, compared to all the meat shields who have died) and the ones of special importance shall be named here.

Ah, for as long as I can remember (about 3 days of now) the critters of Warcraft were cute, or funny and slow. In reality the critter is an explosive nuke waiting for the buttons to be clicked. The critter will take on many forms to elude its pray. They might be a seal or a sheep or maybe even a pig! When located around your base the best thing to do I click it like no tomorrow! The critter should curse and then explode into an explosion bigger then the siege tanks (WTF). If the critter fails to explode after clicking then it must be a mechanical critter. This means the enemies are spying on you. The best solution is to kill it or read the section strategies you haven't thought of yet.

3a)Humans Units

Be aware that it may be difficult to understand the humans unless:
You are one or
You have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Here is a short description of the major human warcraft units:

"Your the King?! Well, I didn't vote for you!"
1.Peasants
This is what every actual human feels like they are, which is why you will usually find a large amount of them with a human player. They are also weak and stupid like actual humans. To add a more "fantasy" feeling to the game, the peasants are also hard-working and spend their free-time just standing there, as opposed to drinking or having sex. Although the peasants are weak, the peasants do need to fight every now and then. Usually it is when you need more meat shields (see Footmen 2a.2)
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember to click on a peasant a lot to hear their thoughts (See How do you Play Warcraft? 1.3)

***Sargon adds: Peasant: Mostly harmless***

"Grab your sword, and Fight the Horde!"
2.Footmen
Cannon fodder, bait, front-line infantry, meat shields. Call them what you will, they still stand as the base of the human army. They are cheap and weak, like peasants, only with swords and armor, so that they can absorb the blows for your good units. Footmen have "loyalty" or "patriotism" instead of stupidity like the peasants do. This makes the player feel more like a king, and it makes the footmen more willing to die for this said "king".
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember to use footmen only when you can't get anything better. If you do accidentally get some, it may be necessary to kill them later off to give food to your other better units. They are very loyal so they won't mind.

"My favorite color is blue... no, YELLOW!"
3.Knights
Footmen on horses.
*If you have never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, then put down the guide, turn off the computer, and go see it.

"Where is my pint? I can't shoot straight unless I had at least a pint!"
4.Dwarven Riflemen
Drunk and trigger-happy, just like real humans. However, because dwarves are tougher, and more drunk and trigger-happy. In real life they would probably have more friendly fire casualties than anything. In war however, its fine to shove them into the fray and pray that the pints won't cost more than the beer.
*Buy a beer

"For the end of the world spell, press ctr-alt-del."
5.Priests and Sorceresses
Both of these units are spellcasters. They can die easily, but make up for it by being extremely annoying to the opponents.
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember that although a priest can heal, sorceresses can turn enemies into sheep. That ability is altogether more useful, satisfying, and it’s hilarious. It also allows you to brag more. (See Warcraft Guide for Aliens 1.6-9)

"I stole your precious."
6. Spell Breaker
Basically a magic immune footy who looks cooler. The basic ability of the spell breaker is to steal the useless spells from an enemy unit and put it on another useless unit. Doing this makes people very angry. Once the other team realizes this, the promptly leave.

7.Gryphon Riders
Dwarves on birds.
*See dwarven riflemen.

8.Dwarven Demolition Team[ Or mortar team, for you idiots.]
Dwarves with explosives instead of guns (See 2a.6). This is altogether worse, considering there are 2 drunken dwarves with things that can blow up, instead of individual drunk dwarves with things that blow up in an aimed direction.
*If you are a Warcraft novice, then beware of dwarves, alcohol, and explosives! Remember, friendly fire is more accurate than enemy fire! (from Murphy's Laws)

"All accounted for."
9.Other Workshop Units
Basically, they are all overcomplicated mechanical constructs which more than half the time die from simple tactics, such as using an abomination to smash the hell out of the tank and whatever poor dwarf is piloting it.
*If you are a Warcraft novice, then be aware that mechanical things can't be sheeped! Which is bad if the strategy of a player is wholly based on Sorceresses.

"Get that filthy cursor away from me"
10.Dragonhawk Rider
Dragonhawk riders are a confusing unit because the are neither dragons, or hawks. They're more like giant yellow flying chickens, and were named cool so people would try to use them, and in the end find that they're completely useless. They're main goal in life is to go for a bigger role in expansion packs.

"Half this beast is in danger, but the other half is danger! *gryphon roar*"
10. Gryphon Riders
Probably the human's/dwarves greatest weapon. It is a common misunderstanding that the mainpower of the gryphon rider lies in the magic of the rider dwarf's lightning hammer. While in actuality it is the combination of the amount (and direction) of wind the gryphon's wings make, and the size of the gryphon's droppings. The smell and weight of it's feces alone is enough to kill most units in a line. The dwarf's hammer is actually just there to aim the wind carrying the stench, by way of showing where the gryphon should flap it's wings; in addition to the fact that a gryphon trainer would never get a date with a hot female sorceress elf unless he used something shiny, magical, and manly.
*If you are a warcraft novice, be aware that saying that the gryphon is the human's greatest weapon isn't saying much, the undead have dragons with a breath of near absolute zero temperature, the night elves have dragons with 2 heads which shoot fire, poison, and other lethal things, the orcs have mounts that can eat an armed knight and horse whole at the same time. However, the momentum dung can achieve when coming from the back end of a mythical beast high in the air shouldn't be underestimated............well, yes it can, and should.

3b) Human story

Being that the average Blizzard employee is human, it was not too difficult to come up with a story for the humans.
It involves 3 sentences that describe the basic life of the average human: a)They live. b)They fight. c)They go on an epic quest for revenge that involves a traitor who leads an undead army of evil and disease to run rampant a plague to ravage the life of the innocent public, consequently causing a large population to die and then rise from the dead as various types of undead fiends under the complete control of a frozen spirit, who has been charged by demons from other worlds to destroy and take over the world of Azeroth, which has thus far been populated by average beings who want nothing more than to live peacefully (partly true) but are being constantly disrupted by the clutches of a large demonic legion who use orcs, demons, spiders, and the dead to eventually achieve their goal and eliminate the Night Elves and humans.
Of course, those three simple sentences can't state everything (long Warcraft story, see 1.4) but they summarize about 5% of the NECESSARY details well enough.

3c) Human Heroes

Arthas-He's evil and so everyone either hates him or loves him
Special Notes:
*He was good and turned evil killing his father, ironic considering that his twin brother Darth Vader was also good and turned evil, but his son killed him.
*Like all royal children, Arthas was a spoiled brat and once destroyed a whole city because his girlfriend broke up with him, under the pretense of "cleansing evil".
*His overlord is a frozen chair. The frozen chair's overlord are a big group of demons. Their overlord is Gleemax

Paladins:
Origins

Paladins are virtuous defenders of humanity. Their weapon of choice is the war hammer, but, more specifically, the kind of war hammer that they clearly stole from the dwarves. They, along with their knight brethren, are part of a secret cult known as the "The Cult of the Monty Python", where they have a ridiculously wide array of money python references to unleash upon their enemies.

Paladins are, more aptly named, as stupid. One example would be how, when clicked upon, they say "Let me face the peril", even if we are perhaps ordering him to pick up a cookie. "For my people!" Yeah, very dramatic, Shakespeare.

In Warcraft III:

Blizzard's AI scars these heroes, as they are downgraded from their already dimwitted status, to what is perhaps an AI system running on the first beta version of DOS. Basically, like any warrior, the paladin is ordered to right click on an enemy, and just wait for it to stop moving. What's worse, they tend to spam their Divine Shield, aka a giant, golden dinner plate, which spins above their heads. Some wonder how this shield truly works - well, the dinner plate is so shiny that it blinds enemies, preventing them from harming the Paladin. How the Paladins avoid the shine from their own silverware, is by means of their beady eyes. If you were to re-skin a paladin, you would most likely accidentally remove his eyes.

In closing, the Paladin is the hallmark of Humanity's eternal retardation, which is why The Scourge killed them off so quickly - so they wouldn't make it so easy to destroy the rest of Humanity, for they wanted a challenge.

In World of Warcraft:

Today, Paladins are nothing more than 9 year old noobs, who enjoy simply attacking an enemy and waiting for it to die. They have given up their divine shields, in exchange for what we call "1337speak". The common paladin can be found roaming Stormwind Keep, spamming the chat channels, and flaming anyone higher-leveled than him, claiming that person to be, again, in pallyspeak, "haxx0r".

Paladins are a very productive and rewarding class in World of Warcraft.

Given that Paladins wear plate and heal, but have very low damage, their time spent grinding is time spent healing their opponents to death. But! There's a reward to this, and it is known as...

MASTURBATION.

Yes, that is right. While your Paladin is healing their enemies to death, this gives you a chance to minimize your game and look at sweet sweet porn.

Most classes need to use certain skills and strategies to down their opponents faster with less health/mana loss, but all Paladins need to do is yell "FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!" and hit the auto attack. So while your minimized looking at two naked gnomes hugging each other, a few minutes later open WoW again and collect the phat lewt you so rightly deserve!

And when not grinding, Paladins also enjoy some PVP (Body Part versus Body part) action against their fellow WoWers. This includes going into a Battleground, running into a group of Horde, then hitting Divine Shield and using your Hearthstone.

When not PvPing or grinding, paladins also enjoy going into dungeons with fellow Alliance players. When their teammates are nobly attacking their vicious enemies, Paladins enjoy dancing in the back naked, while they look at their naughty images.

4) Orcs
Orcs are basically green humanoids with an orbital disfiguration. They used to be really bloodlusty but now just sit around and never heal their units. Also, they never figured math out so their buildings look like piles of cat puke. Generally, people who play as the orcs most of the time either like the color green or have a deep inferiority complex.

4a) Orc Units

Peons - Peons are little green men who are the supposedly the equivalent of a human worker. This previous statement is completely false. As far as we know, there are no female orcs, therefore in their spare time, the do not have sex. Another big difference is that they're green, and can turn red when the drink bad water, instead of just getting sick and being unable to work. They also don't mind walking back and forth endlessly for the embitterment of a team. The interesting thing is that if you have a humongous sword/claw/scythe/hammer/branch/object capable of inflicting heavy damage, they'll just sit there, and let you beat on them until either 1) the person doing the hitting gets bored or 2) The peons die. Remember, the more peons you have, the faster you gather resources, and the bigger you can build your army.

4b) Orc Story
After the names "Spawn of Yoda", and "Sickly Green Mucho Man" failed, Blizzard came up with the term "Orc". "Orc" could stand for many things, including "Oh, Red Cookies!” "Oregon Rookie Chefs", and anything else that twisted imagination of yours can think of.

If you are a female, you will want to kill yourself now, because the orcs are a pretty sexist race. All men...which leads to speculation that orcs reproduce by means of budding (explaining orcish acne, in which the pimples resemble mini-peons). The only two female orcs would be Griselda, who got owned in Warcraft I -back when everything had 2-pixel eyes, and would all say the exact same things ("My liege?" "My liege?" "My liege?"). The evil overlord Bill Roper was responsible for that, but that story is for another time. The other is Garona, a half-orc half-draenei, who was quite ugly, despite not inheriting the Draenei's giant mouths.

Once upon a time, the first orcs began establishing a quaint culture. They even had their own religious book, which, most notably stated, "Thou shalt rip the flesh from one self’s enemy for me, as long as ye stay green, sweaty, and...err...green." In time, this evolved into the teachings of shamanism and much more. A group of demons, perhaps the same ones behind the drug smuggling nowadays, enslaved the orcs and corrupted them. The orcs were now into hellish magics, and enjoyed blowing things up.

During the events of Warcraft I ("Yes, my lord." "Yes, my lord." "Yes, my lord."), the orcs entered into Azeroth, and fought with the humans. Eventually, they gained their freedom some decades later. Even further on, an awesome orc, Thrall, and his retarded, yet manly friend, Grommash Hellscream, led their people to Kalimdor. After lots of senseless killing and ripping the limbs off of humans, the orcs eventually established their own nation, Durotar.

There is much speculation that this story has much more "logic" and "depth", but, one of my stature would rather speak the truth - which is little more than what I have typed above. If the answer to all life was summarized in a mere number, a two-digit number at that, then a story could be summed up in even less, but the publishing agencies wish for me to write a certain amount.

5) Night Elves

These busty purple-skinned beauties will be sure to give you a spring in your step and a bounce in your britches. These bouncing, brawling beauties are the new age of graphics, not exactly porn, but not exactly kid-friendly either. If the sexual underlying connotations behind the whole race don't get your blood going, then the pointy, polygonal boobies of the Night Elves sure will.

5a) Night Elves Units

The night elves have a wide variety of units. The biggest speculation is why the night elf druids have muscles, yet all they need to do is wave their staff, say "Domo arigato, Mr. roboto" to conjure up magical spells. Also, the night elves seem to have many half-stag units, such as your standard Stagman, and your standard Stagman. How do they reproduce raises questions, and why some night elves ancestors did it with a stag to make these abominations is an even larger question. Nonetheless, the night elves are known for giving sacrifices to cannibalistic trees, in order to raise an army capable of destroying everything. They also enjoy, when the moon is out, standing naked and invisible in an enemy base, waiting for the right time to strike.

5b) Night Elves Story

Once upon a time, there was a man named "Bob Bobertson". He loved the wilds so much, that he did surgery to make his ears huge, so he could enjoy its sounds. One day, after angering a bear, he was pushed into a berry bush, where he became the purple-skinned man who would start it all. After pairings with trees and stags, the race was created. One day, Archimonde, jealous that the night elves had such big breasts, and that the females of his race didn't even have any, lead him to strike a blow against the night elves out of pure jealousy. Later on, Furion, the night elf who had three names: Furion, Malfurion, and Shan'do (four if you count "Nightelf Santa") blew the horn of the first stagman, Cenarius, triggering his new laser light show. The lasers zapped Archimonde into oblivion. Since then, the night elves have changed from guardians of the ancient world into pr0nstars. My how things have changed.

5c) Night Elves Heroes

6) Undead



6a) Undead Units

1) Shades
Shades are invisibly, gaseous, and deadly. They're extremely useful to spy on people in the bathroom, and take pictures to post on school walls. When they're not being the ultimate pranksters, they do spy work for the mob, FBI, and anyone else who happens to have a sacrificial pit to lure acolytes to. To find the easiest way to find out how to kill an acolyte, read the acolyte section located in some random area of the guide.

2) Here’s some information about being an acolyte for the undead.

1. Purpose in life: The main goal of an acolyte is to wave your arms around, pretending to summon up buildings and gather gold. Much like workers today, mostly they try to look productive by standing around gold mines until a blademaster appears out of nowhere and 1 hits them. They also like to be lured into sacrificial pits and made into shades, where they promptly become the ultimate in catching paladins looking at pr0n in the bathroom, and making incredibly scandalous pictures.

2. Health problems. One of the many problems (perhaps we should be glad) of acolytes is that they can't reproduce. How are there so many, then? We have no idea, but apparently they are lured like maggots to a dying cow because of the dental plan they get. Apparently, the dental plan makes up for the horrible scarred face they get when they sign up.

3. Why become an acolyte? One of the many posters made by the NRDSoI (not really dead society of imbeciles) show people living to be over 1000 years old. This is highly untrue. Most likely, you'll live about 1 second, and then killed by a random blademaster or attacked by ninjas, or killed in an attack, or made to become a shade, or sent on a suicide mission to scout on an enemy base, or to pretend to stand around and be productive all the time. I guess it’s really not that different from being a human worker, but as a human worker, you actually have to work, and that's why being an acolyte is so much better. As a bonus, you get better dental plans, too!

7) Strategies You Haven't Thought of Yet

In The War Crafted By Humans, Ugly Green Yoda Spawns, White People With Questionable Eyebrows Riding Horses, And Big Breasted Purple Tree Huggers, (Or more commonly known as 'Warcraft') there are an infinite amount of strategies to take your opponent down. Whether it be sending your brain eating ghouls into the base and hoping at least one survives the onslaught, or sending your spiders into the base and burrowing while you gloat over their misfortune of imminent doom, there are also other strategies that people haven't thought of yet. And we're here to tell you what these strategies are!

A Horse Kicked Me Once, It Hurt

You want to start this strategy by setting the mood in your castle. Place flowers, sensual lingerie in the rooms, and a few peasants in there so they can get to work! Soon they'll be reproducing like bunnies, and you'll have a huge army of bloodthirsty and vicious peasants at your disposal! The Call To Arms ability is not needed, just gather your troops and send them into the towers of your enemy's base! Insured victory

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

This full-proof plan, crafted by the geniuses that play Warcraft, (See also, 'Basement Virgins') is undeniably the greatest strategy a player can use for the Undead. What you want to do is try convincing the Acolytes wandering around aimlessly in your base into giving themselves to the boiling acid sacrificial pit.

Once done, the pit will magically spit out collections of gas and dirt. These monstrosities, known as Shades, are invisible to enemy units! Once your Shades are ready for battle, send about 100 of them into your enemy base. Though they cannot attack, your enemy will not be able to spot them! This gives you the chance to gloat over your enemy saying "Aha! Right'o mate! 100 of my Shades are causing mayhem right in your very base!" in a British (See also 'Big nosed nancy men with funny accents') accent. Eventually, your opponent should go into a downward spiral of madness, killing themselves, and allowing you to claim victory. Or, they're True Sight might kill all your Shades. Either way, victory is ensured with the ghastly ghouls of gruesome gas! May Cause Gas

What's That On Your Chest? Oh Wait...

The Night Elves have been known for their seductiveness. The big-breasted tree huggers consist of mostly females wearing thongs and talking very suggestively.

To save on resources, put a manly tree, a bed, and a Night Elf female together and they'll figure out what to do. Soon, you should have female Night Elves who magically know how to use bows and G-strings. Send these sexy seductresses into the enemy bases naked. The enemy should be so awe-stricken, so flabbergasted, that they won't be able to control themselves. Sue for sexual harassment and victory is ensured! Oddly erotic

Warning: If you are unlucky enough to face one of the 3 or 4 female Warcraft III players in the world, then this strategy may not be effective.

007Sheep

When being spied on by a mechanical sheep (or squirrel, or demonic overlord, usually it is a sheep, though) you should first of all never ever give any sign that you know it is there. That way you have the element of surprise. Now, you must either lead this sheep to one of your mini-expansion bases, or to an enemy base to throw the player spying on you off-track. At this point, you should keep clicking on the sheep to see if it explodes, just to make sure you lead the right sheep on. After, you must distract the enemy somehow, most likely by typing something noticeable. If you are playing a LAN game, then you should yell something noticeable (like "FIRE!"). While he is distracted, you must quickly kill the sheep. He will then look for his sheep around the map when he looks back at the screen. This will be your chance to launch your huge force at the distracted fool, you will have a very small window of time, and so it must be quickly.
Thus, you have used your enemy's sheep against it! This strategy is 200% effective!
Warning: If you just kill the sheep the second you know it is mechanical, and then you will have ruined your chance to eliminate your opponent! !!! Don't do it!!! It may sound simpler, but it is also faster and has less risk! Wait a second....

7a) When in a losing situation in a Free for All

7b) When in a losing situation in a Team Game
When in a team match, studies have proved that 97.596% of the time, you will be the one who's base is farthest away from your teammates and closest to the enemies'.
I. When the enemy rushes you while your guard is down, many of the pros suggest these 3 simple but effective steps:
-Bend Over with your head between your knees
-Kiss your ass goodbye
-Sabotage your connection so you have an excuse as to why you left, or you can just leave if you don't care what other people think of you
II. The best thing to do when encountering a force too large for you to deal with is to bring it to your allies' base and let them deal with it. If they were really your teammate, they wouldn't mind.

III. When in an attack with your allies, and you have the slightest inclination that your combined forces will fail, and then you should town portal all your troops to home. Remember the old Undead saying, "It is better to live alone as a coward, then to die with your friends fighting for what you believe in."
If your allies get angry at you, or don't realize why you left, then refer to (1.6-13.)

8) Custom maps

Custom maps are supposed to be non-Blizzard created maps that people play. The definition is completely wrong. Here is a better version:

Maps come in two types:
-DoTA copies
< -Not DoTA copies

there are about a million DoTA copies, a million Crappy Tower defenses, and a million crrappy "X hero siege" maps. There are rarely any few decent maps. Any decent map created is usually completely unused because the stupid n00bs who say, "D0-|-/-\ F0xorz! noob! I uber h43x0rz joo! I the 1337 Penis!" Therefore, there is no such thing as a custom map.

8a) The Lost Map

Legends tell of a custom map, made somewhere in July 2005, that is perfectly balanced. It never gets boring, always is a blast to play, and is so well protected that no one, save the creator, can load, edit, or otherwise plagiarize it.

Recently, archaeologists (all right, unemployed single men) began to scour the Internet, searching for traces of this so-called "perfect map." After weeks of getting wasted, passing out, searching, and repeating, they kept finding this one sequence of characters: qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. Pondering what this meant, they typed it into google image search. This, of course, yielded only pictures of naked midgets and high school dropouts wallowing in their own vomit.

Suddenly, Stu Bidasoe, one of the 'archaeologists', realized that the sequence of characters was the qwerty code for keyboards. With a sudden burst of energy, he quickly typed qwerty inventor into google and got porn. Scrapping his computer, he rushed to the nearest library and found a book on the man who invented qwerty. He then took the name down and searched for the mapmaking world for him.

Nothing. The man was nowhere to be found.

Then Stu realized that qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm was a code. After a month of code cracking, he found this solution: The map was the product of a monkey dancing on a keyboard at Blizzard.

Stu called Derek 'the Kurgan' Simmons, the producer of battle.net, and asked him about the monkey.

That was the last we heard of Stu Bidasoe.

So, to this day, we know not of the "perfect map’s whereabouts, but we hope that it may be recovered and mass-produced into a million DotAs.


9) World of Warcraft

what is World of Warcraft?

World of Warcraft is a game to kill anyone who plays it. Not a quick death, but a slow and painful one from lack of eating, sleeping, drinking, urinating, shitting, breathing, paying taxes, ect. It is called a "MMORPG" or a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It also has a special real life ability called Money Drain, where it instantly takes all the money you own and give it to Blizzard, helping them take over the world. People who are too poor to buy this game will only play other Blizzard games anyways, due to the fact that Blizzard owns everything, and if they don't, they WILL!!!

9a) Foods of Warcraft:

1) Khaz Modan ale:

The best ale in Khaz Modan can be found in well... Khaz Modan. It's not like you would have to travel across the Plaugelands, through the Realm of Fire, across the valley of pitch darkness, and under the overpass of jumping Gnolls in order to get some ale.

You just go to a nearby bus stop, and go there. What's hard about that? Seriously, you people exaggerate too much.

2) Ice Cream

The Best Ice Cream in Azeroth can be found at Mirage Raceway, where a man with a mage stick and a weird Scarecrow hat sells pet chickens. Have the reason why it is the best Ice Cream is that it comes with chickens, and 3 flavors!

3) Potions
There are various potions throughout the world of warcraft. Many normal units wish they could drink them, but they can't due to the fact that they aren't "cool enough." Conversely, many heroes wish they didn't have to drink them, but are forced to, because they were peer pressured into it, and now rely on them for survival when in a desperate situation. Supposedly "every hero's doing it."
Legends tell of the first potion, supposedly giving infinite life by drawing on the powers of the ancient Well. However, in present day they usually don't do much more than give you a sudden amount of speed or energy. No one knows who first put caffeine in the Sun Well, but they are being tracked down to be arrested. And to be given a medal.

9b) Random Information to Help You Survive in the World of Warcraft

1) Pandarens and Gnomish Lenscrafters
It is a known fact that all Pandarens and Gnomish Lenscrafters know that the best anagrams are created by Thrall, the Warchief of the Horde, no, not the whole horde, just the orcs, but then again, nobody likes anagrams, and if they did, they'd need to know what one is first, And by that time, You usually wonder why Pandarens and Gnomish Lenscrafters know this in the first place, then you might begin to question if there even IS any Gnomish Lenscrafters, and why they chose to become Gnomish Lenscrafters in the first place.

2) Cactus Patch Kidneys, Decaying Baboon Liver, Partially Digested Quilboar Dung, and the Ridiculously Rich, Insane, and Relatively Hungry Gnome.
It is well known you can sell such useless things you gut from animals to vendors for a ridiculous amount of money. What is much less known is why they will pay such a ridiculously huge amount for such random useless items. This story involves nasty and disgusting items and a weird gnome. This story also doesn’t have a plot, ideas, or verbs, making it impossible to figure out unless you have the most vicious Grammeritis disease ever. It has also been eaten by the gnome, making it impossible to tell. However, we have sent researchers to the gnome site to see if we can find the tome, possibly in Partially Digested Quilboar Dung, which happens to sell for 30 gold to the vendors.

3) The Lonely Orc with Anger Management Issues, the Scantily Clad Night Elves, and the Lack of Women in Warcraft.

Introduction

Before you read this story, there are a few things you must know about orcs.

.1) They get red when they get angry.
.2) When you’re a male dominated species, you get very lonely.
.3) Night Elves are annoying

Story

As you all know, Thrall sent Grom and the others to construct a base in Ashenvale (not sure its right) and get lumber and stuff. Grom then supposedly went mad, drank from a well that made him red, and made you do a bunch of other stuff. Cenarius came out, and you kicked his but because he’s a tree hugger. This is untrue. This is one of the many times those idiots at Blizzard made a mistake from the real story of Warcraft.
The real truth is that Grom was lonely. Nothing could cheer him up, even the budding rituals of his kind made him feel sad. He noticed these bears and scantily clad archers and dryads run around happily. Grom thought, "I wish I could be happy as those dryads and bears and scantily clad women!" He soon realized it was the women that made the bears happy! Grom then tried to talk to one of the dryads.
"Hello," said Grom
"AHHH A BIG GREEN THING!!! UGLY AHH!!! RUN FOR IT!!!" screamed the dryad hysterically. The dryad ran away.
Grom, seeing how she reacted, got angry. Not very angry, but slightly angry. He decided to call up his budding buddies and totally annihilate that poor stupid dryads base, cousins, army, friends, family, lawyers, pets, bears, druids, trees, buildings, and any nearby Night Elf units and buildings. That calmed his anger, and he was happy again, and spent a happy drunken night budding more orcs for his army.
Then, Cenarius heard about it. He said, "No one's gonna beat up MY bitch!" and took his base, cousins, army, friends, family, lawyers, pets, bears, druids, trees, buildings, and any nearby Night Elf units and buildings with him to destroy the orcs base, cousins, army, friends, family, lawyers, pets, bears, druids, trees, buildings, and any nearby Orc units and buildings. The orcs were really upset about this, and turned really really red. They totally destroyed Cenarius and his brood like they were a bunch of Night Elves (which they were). When they came to, they realized what they did.
"ummm..... yeah..." said one of the orcs
"yeah..... shit" said Grom, "We need to make something up. Thrall's gonna kill us."
So they did. They decided to make up a story that a giant emo elephant decided to cut himself near a well, and got the well contaminated. Grom, during his morning exercise, got thirsty, and drank from the well. He thought to himself ,"man, this is some good shit!" and sold it to all his orc brothers for a tidy prophet. Well, they all turned red, cause the emo blood corrupted all the clorophorm in the orc skin, and accidentally killed a bunch of stuff. After that, Thrall (who was always gullible) said well, you gotta make amends. Beat up the emo elephant! And they did, but the rampaging elephant killed Grom in the process. The end.

4) The Über Flying Sheep
The Über Flying Sheep control the whole Lifeforce of Warcraft. Killing one would obviously destroy the whole world, or something to that extent. The Last time someone killed an Über Flying Sheep, this flaming troll appeared out of nowhere and spammed Ogrimmar! You don't want that to happen again, right?

5)Warcraft Creation Theory
Why do all the units of a single type look exactly alike? Are they clones? Related? Machines?
No, none of these. The answer lies in how units are made:
When the player clicks on the button to make a unit, deep inside the CPU the computer creates a tiny little minion that looks like a Chibi version of the unit you just made. This little guy runs over to your CD drive and uses the disk to become "a real boy." Then, it runs into your monitor and enters the game.

Just kidding, they're all the same because it's easier that way.
 

Sargon

New Member
So we're writing a guide to Warcraft in a similar manner as the Guide (not the Douglas Adams books, the book inside those books) is written? Cool.
 

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
1.1 What is Warcraft?

Warcraft is a game made by Blizzard. People have spent countless hours on things that make no sense, and Warcraft has been one of these greater time wasters. The most interesting things about Warcraft is that it is typed completly in the left hand, making it verry annoying to spell. It also seems to make people angrier the longer they play it, and destroys any chance of people being able to speak, talk, or spell correctly ever again. Among the biggest time wasters, Warcraft has been exploiting the masses, making online play seem 'free' is an exeption, as all hosts are lousy idiots who think they can do whatever they want, like porn, be a nuicance, ect. As one great thinker didn't say," HJe who can, does. He who cannot, playes Warcraft," which may be why it is one of the best selling games ever. It may be classified as a special plague, infection millions of people at a time, from an hour to the end of their lives. Because of this, we may see that Warcraft will destroy our world as we know it.

EDIT

Yes, that is what I'm trying to do :)
 

Sargon

New Member
Not sure what chapter it would be in, but...

Peasant: Mostly Harmless
 

AgentPaper

From the depths, I come.
I'm the editor

Nice stuff you have, but after editing and revising, I have come up with a bvetter version of the guide:

Warcraft: Mostly Harmless.



;)
 
S

SirGre

Guest
1.2 Where is Warcraft found?

Warcraft is known by many gamers as a Real-Time Strategy Game, played by those who feel a desire to control an army, essentialy. [animated picture of a kid leading an army, then popping into their computer chair] Cutting to to point, Warcraft is usually found in the Supermarket under Electronics. However, other peoples have found it on download site, along with cracks, which is ILLEGAL. [animated picture of a supermarket, with a sandwichboarded man that has a picture of RoC on it, then a computer screen downloading RoC, then a policeman beating the kid up.]

...

He he he... yeah. :eek:
 

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
1.3) How do you play Warcraft?

Warcraft, like many games, is a real time strategy game. The point of the game is to click more times than your opponent. The secondary point is to hear all the funny voice acting for all the units. Thousands of people have wasted their lives on such and effort, and Blizzard (see article 1.1) will occasionally give out large sums of money and computer upgrade equipment to who can do this fastest. Although there are several other applications for this purpose, this one seems to be one of the most popular, as it can also be used in Real Life :D experiances because of clicking on other units gets mouse accuracy higher.
 

The Helper

Necromancy Power over 9000
Staff member
I am the spelling police - Warcraft 3 is a Real Time Strategy game, not a Real Time Stratagy game (spelling -10)
 
C

Cyclical

Guest
In the spirit of the Guide

1.4) The Warcraft Story so far:

There is no backstory to Warcraft.

At least, none that anyone really cares about.

Rumors persist of a long, complex, and important backstory which details the formation of the world, however, as of this writing no researcher could bear to play the older titles for long enough to find out exactly what this might be. Suffice it to say that, whether the world of Warcraft was dragged out of a fiery abyss by a million screaming demons, or picked nonchalantly from the nose of a slumbering demi-god, you will still spend far more of your time in that world than in the real one, where there are unpleasant realities like retail jobs, international wars, and the fact that you may very well die without ever having sex.

(For additional information on how never to have sex, see entry 1.3, "How do you play Warcraft?"
 

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
1.5) Uses of Warcraft

There are several important uses of Warcraft. Only one of which is as an icon clicking tool. Instead of answering your playing a video game, answer that you are using an important mouse clicking accuracy tool. The longer people think your doing this, the more you'll look important, and therefore be able to apply for Warcraft competitions (see article 1.3)

Another use is to procrastinate. Usually the internet is a good enough tool for procrastination, but just in case you can't, Blizzard (see article 1.1) decicded that they could make massive amount of money selling a different procrastination application, which we know as Warcraft. This program does not need the internet, and can crash your computer instantly. :D
 

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
1.6) Warcraft Guide for Aliens

If any alien lifeform wants to play this game, there are a few simple rules to make gameplay much better.

1. It dosn't matter if you don't speak the language. Most people don't even bother speaking the real language of the server they're on.

2. Always host a game stating where you come from. People will be impressed when they find someone hosting from Venus or Pluto or something.

3. If someone insults you, just write 'STFU N00B!!!' over and over again. This will work better if you don't know the language.

4. Never NEVER EVER write in complete sentences.

5. Never use propper grammer.

6. Never ever spell 'the' and 'and' proporly.
 

Wark

Animal
This would be so much easier to read if you just edited new entries to your first post.
 

Siefer

New Member
(1.6 Continued)

7. When hosting a game it is important to say how fast your computer is so thier won't be any "lag", even though the other players may very well have crap computers. Saying large amounts of technical info about the machine your playing on is usually able to convince them.

8. While the fancy looking icons may look nice to click on- DON'T! Remember right-clicking is the point of the game (See section 1.3).
If you feel compelled to see what they do, then smash the keyboard, it produces the same effect as clicking on the icons.

9. Standard Rules:
a) If you have died or lost, the opponent has likely used hacks or has an imba hero. Call attention to this fact to punish them. EX."imba! imba!!!111 teh haxxors!1!!1" or something similar.
b) If you have won, your are obviously a pro. Call attention to this fact so enemies will realize your wc3 prowess. EX. "im pro! u noobs! n00bs! nubs! fukin noobs11!1 you sux noob" or something similar.

(I'm not too good at l33t, so someone may have to correct mine.)
 
K

kuruza888

Guest
tip wanted

um... wat's the perfect start in a game? i'm a noob
 

Lord_Phoenix

Dogs are fuzzy
AHH! Spelk!

1.7) Diseases of Warcraft

There are several diseases of Warcraft. All of them deadly, and able to affect thousands at a time. Here are the most common ones and their cure.

1. Grammeritis: Makes a person lose all ability to use proper grammer. It is also passed through communication programs. Often affects massive groups at a time. Often combined with Spelk.
Example: its i 1337ness skillzers that pwnz0rz j00
Duration: About as long as your on Warcraft, or any other internet communication device.
Cure: Get off communication device/ Warcraft, write an english paper.

2. Spelk: Makes a person lose ability to spell anything proporly. Anything that IS spelled properly is probably a mistake. Affects massive groups at a time. Passed on through communication programs as well. Often combined with Grammeritis.
Example: Mi teh ultimgat hax vnoob
Duration: Forever, unless there's spell-checker.
Cure: Learn to spell. Practice spelling instead of playing Warcraft.

3. 1337n3zz: Makes a person think he is better than everyone else. Makes them take time to write in a rediculous style. Often contracted when exposed to Grammeritis and Spelk too long. Only affects one person at a time, but occationaly there are group outbreaks.
Example: y0 /\/00B!!!11 /\/\Y 1337n3zz |-|4><Z0|2 Sk1|_|_z Ub3|2 |>\/\//\/!!!1111one!!!one11!!!
Duration: Usually lasts a short time, for the person is either booted, or dies from taking too much time for typing like that.
Cure: Try to limit to Spelk. You will soon figure out it takes too long to bother with this, so it will go away quickly, but is replaced with a more vicious form of Spelk.

EDIT- sorry for double post
 
K

kuruza888

Guest
ok... so u people are rewriting the guide with good spelling... ok...
 
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    If you move a thread please leave a permanent redirect. You can delete any redirects after 6 months. The redirects are left to help Search Engines find the moved content.
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    What if you move the permanent redirect, not the thread?
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