Hitchhickers Guide to Warcraft

[Siefer]

2a)Humans-Units

Be aware that it may be difficult to understand the humans unless:
You are one or
You have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Here is a short description of the major human warcraft units:

"Your the King! Well, I didn't vote for you!"
1.Peasants-This is what every actual human feels like they are, which is why you will usually find a large amount of them with a human player. They are also weak and stupid like actual humans. To add a more "fantasy" feeling to the game, the peasants are also hard-working and spend thier free-time just standing there, as opposed to drinking or having sex. Although the peasants are weak, the peasants do need to fight every now and then. Usually it is when you need more meatshields (see Footmen 2a.2)
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember to click on a peasant a lot to hear thier thoughts (See How do you Play Warcraft? 1.3)

"Grab your sword, and Fight the Horde!"
2.Footmen-Cannon fodder, bait, front-line infantry, meat shields. Call them what you will, they still stand as the base of the human army. They are cheap and weak, like peasants, only with swords and armor, so that they can absorb the blows for your good units. Footmen have "loyalty" or "patriotism" instead of stupidity like the peasants do. This makes the player feel more like a king, and it makes the footmen more willing to die for this said "king".
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember to use footmen only when you can't get anything better. If you do accidently get some, it may be necessary to kill them later off to give food to your other better units. They are very loyal so they won't mind.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

That's brilliant! The sad thing is, I won a game just by massing footies with a pali...

 

[Siefer]

Hell, its probably possible to kill enemies with peasants. But the enemy would have to be pretty bad...
Anyways, I'm not trying to be realistic or anything. I was just bored.
Btw, how long did the game last? Sounds interesting. I tried something similar without the pali before. I lost.
My descriptions may sound a little cynical, but I always felt a little of that from the Hitchiker's series.

"Tis just a flesh wound!"
3.Knights- Footmen on horses.
*If you have never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, than put down the guide, turn off the computer, and go see it.

"Where is my pint? I can't shoot straight unless I had at least a pint!"
4.Dwarven Riflemen-Drunk and trigger-happy, just like real humans. However, because dwarves are tougher, and more drunk and trigger-happy. In real life they would probably have more friendly fire casualties than anything. In war however, its fine to shove them into the fray and pray that the pints won't cost more than the drinks.
*Buy a beer or ale

"For the end of the world spell, press ctr-alt-del."
5.Priests and Sorceresses-Both of these units are spellcasters. They can die easily, but make up for it by being extremely annoying to the opponents.
*If you are a Warcraft novice, remember that although a priest can heal, sorceresses can turn enemies into sheep. That ability is altogether more useful, satisfying, and its hilarious. It also allows you to brag more. (See Warcraft Guide for Aliens 1.6-9)

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Another disease!
4. Stupidity: A most dangerous disease that no one knows you caought until it is too late. When you contact it, you end up thinking that its everyone else that is the looser, and it's you whose smart. This disease is often combined with all diseases, and can be fatal if not treated immediatly.
Example: in hosts: OMG, you t00k 3 seconds to dl, stupid noob!!
Person: what the...?
Person left the game!

In gamers: OMG!! game so imba! omg!
Guy: No, you just suck, and you run into the towers 12 times.
Gamer: no!! imba game! You all suck! I rock!
Gamer has left game
Guy: omg... n00b!
Duration: Until death. Usually there's no realization that your supid until its too leate, and then your dead, killed by people much smarter than you.
Cure: Realize that your an idiot. Go to school. Learn. Grow. Become less like an idiot. if that all fails, shoot yourself.

More units

6. Spell Breaker- Basically a magc immune footy who looks cooler. The basic ability of the spell breaker is to steal the usless spells from an enemy unit and put it on another useless unit. Doing this makes people very angry. Once the other team realizes this, the promptly leave.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Bump!

Something new, and to bump
5a) Custom maps

Custom maps are supposed to be non-Blizzard created maps that people play. The defenition is completly wrong. Here is a better version:

Maps come in two types:
-DoTA copies
-Not DoTA copies

there are about a million DoTA copies, a million Crappy Tower defences, and a million crrappy "X hero siege" maps. There are rarly any few decent maps. Any decent map created is usually completly unused because the stupid n00bs who say, "D0-|-/-\ F0xorz! noob! I uber h43x0rz joo! I the 1337 Penis!" Therefore, there are no such thing as a custom map.

 

[Siefer]

Almost forgot, add this in the peasant description.

Peasant: Mostly Harmless

Sargon has a good point, that this needs to be in the guide.

 

[Blackveiled]

lol this is funny

Peon: Small yet powerful hhahaa

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Ah, but of course.

 

[Cres]

errr lets see...

things to remember:
alt+f4 is a way to get out of embarrassing mistakes
the more peasants you have, the faster you harvest... and the faster you die to rushes...

Noob opening strategy (yea, this actually happened on RT)
3v3 game
Player A: ok what strat r we goin?
Player B: i got tihs gaem
Player B: whosyourdaddy
*Player B runs 5 militia at creeps
*militia all die
Player B: (All chat) WTF YOU HAX MY CHeAT DONT WORK
*Player B leaves
Player C: wow... thats a noob... seriously...

IMPORTANT: UNMOUNT ARCHERS WHEN FIGHTING AIR

 

[Siefer]

Noob opening strategy (yea, this actually happened on RT)
3v3 game
Player A: ok what strat r we goin?
Player B: i got tihs gaem
Player B: whosyourdaddy
*Player B runs 5 militia at creeps
*militia all die
Player B: (All chat) WTF YOU HAX MY CHeAT DONT WORK
*Player B leaves
Player C: wow... thats a noob... seriously...

Wow. I need to remember that. Thats funny.

By the way, is that a Serra Angel avatar? It looks pretty cool.

 

[InfectedWithDrew]

Adding for the aliens thing:

Use your native language, it probably looks and sounds like noobish. For instance:

You may be trying to say: Your base is not so well established. I am going to destroy it.
In noobish this is: OMGOMGWTFOMFG!!!!!/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\ur bse s ded 1377lolololol!!!>)))))KLLU!!!urn00bnn00b1377lololololololo/\!!!!

Also, if you were trying to taunt your opponents: You are not good at this game.
Noobish: urdednooblololololol!!!!suk!suk!13371337!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lolololololol

As you can see, all you need is character translation.

You want to say: Oh man you beat me
Noobish:rdefsxehnabiup aerngaq[hg[3Q vkegn seur ghirngeaiuergeigea bairb1ip28074t1h tyhq34ohih4t374yho032hit4h3o


Intro to the Orcs:
Orcs are basically green humanoids with an orbital disfiguration. They used to be really bloodlusty but now just sit around and never heal their units. Also, they never figured math out so their buildings look like piles of cat puke. Generally, people who play as the orcs most of the time either like the color green or have a deep inferiority complex.

 

[the Lumpy]

A few spelling errors:

• The most interesting things about Warcraft is that it is typed completly with the left hand, making it verry annoying to spell.
  The most interesting thing about Warcraft is that it is typed completely with the left hand, making it very annoying to spell.
• Among the biggest time wasters, Warcraft has been exploiting the masses, making online play seem 'free' is an exeption, as all hosts are lousy idiots who think they can do whatever they want, like porn, be a nuicance, ect.
  Among the biggest time wasters, Warcraft has been exploiting the mases, making online play seem 'free' is an exception, as all hosts are lousy idiots who think they can do whatever they want, like porn, be a nuisance, etc.
• As one great thinker didn't say," HJe who can, does. He who cannot, playes Warcraft," which may be why it is one of the best selling games ever.
  As one great thinker didn't say, "He who can, does; He who cannot, plays Warcraft," which may be why it is one of the best selling games ever.
• Warcraft is known by many gamers as a Real-Time Strategy Game, played by those who feel a desire to control an army, essentialy.
  Warcraft is known by many gamers as a Real-Time Strategy Game, played by those who feel a desire to control an army, essentially.
• as it can also be used in Real Life experiances because of clicking on other units gets mouse accuracy higher.
  as it can also be used in Real Life experiences because of clicking on other units gets mouse accuracy higher.
• If any alien lifeform wants to play this game, there are a few simple rules to make gameplay much better.
  If any alien life form wants to play this game, there are a few simple rules to make game play much better.
• It dosn't matter if you don't speak the language.
  It doesn't matter if you don't speak the language.
• Never use propper grammer.
  Never use proper grammar.
• Never ever spell 'the' and 'and' proporly.
  Never ever spell 'the' and 'and' properly.
• When hosting a game it is important to say how fast your computer is so thier won't be any "lag", even though the other players may very well have crap computers.
  When hosting a game it is important to say how fast your computer is so there won't be any "lag", even though the other players may very well have crap computers.
• Makes a person lose all ability to use proper grammer.
  Makes a person lose all ability to use proper grammar.
• Get off communication device/ Warcraft, write an english paper.
  Get off communication device/ Warcraft, write an English paper.
• Makes a person lose ability to spell anything proporly.
  Makes a person lose ability to spell anything properly.
• Makes them take time to write in a rediculous style.
  Makes them take time to write in a ridiculous style.
• Only affects one person at a time, but occationaly there are group outbreaks.
  Only affects one person at a time, but occasionally there are group outbreaks.
• A most dangerous disease that no one knows you caought until it is too late.
  A most dangerous disease that no one knows you cought until it is too late.
• This disease is often combined with all diseases, and can be fatal if not treated immediatly.
  This disease is often combined with all diseases, and can be fatal if not treated immediately.
• Usually there's no realization that your supid until its too leate, and then your dead, killed by people much smarter than you.
  Usually there's no realization that your stupid until it's too late, and then you're dead, killed by people much smarter than you.

Well, that's all for now. If you would like me to stop pointing out mistakes, please tell me. I'm trying to be helpful, but I would be happy to stop because of how time-consuming this is.

Cool, new smiley: <3

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Thanks. When I get more time, I'll update it. Merry Christmas! <3
Leaving for a party soon.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

/bumpish /update

Bump to tell you that I added everything and updated it too. Thank you for the ideas.

 

[InfectedWithDrew]

Add to 5a)
The Lost Map

Legends tell of a custom map, made somewhere in July 2005, that is perfectly balanced. It never gets boring, always is a blast to play, and is so well protected that no one, save the creator, can load, edit, or otherwise plagiarize it.

Recently, archaeologists (all right, unemployed single men) began to scour the internet, searching for traces of this so-called "perfect map." After weeks of getting wasted, passing out, searching, and repeating, they kept finding this one sequence of characters: qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. Pondering what this meant, they typed it into google image search. This, of course, yeilded only pictures of naked midgets and high school dropouts wallowing in their own vomit.

Suddenly, Stu Bidasoe, one of the 'archaeologists', realized that the sequence of characters was the qwerty code for keyboards. With a sudden burst of energy, he quickly typed qwerty inventor into google and got porn. Scrapping his computer, he rushed to the nearest library and found a book on the man who invented qwerty. He then took the name down and searched for the mapmaking world for him.

Nothing. The man was nowhere to be found.

Then Stu realized that qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm was a code. After a month of codecracking, he found this solution: The map was the product of a monkey dancing on a keyboard at Blizzard.

Stu called Derek 'the Kurgan' Simmons, the producer of battle.net, and asked him about the monkey.

That was the last we heard of Stu Bidasoe.

So, to this day, we know not of the "perfect map"'s whereabouts, but we hope that it may be recovered and mass-produced into a million DotAs.


Note: minor change

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

noo... so much of my effort is lost!

 

[Zero R.]

Hooray for the Internets!:

DON'T PANIC!

In big, bolb, yellow letters.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Thank you so much! Now all the hard work from the groupi s NOT lost! Sweet!

 

[Zero R.]

They shall never be lost, as long as there's me![/cheesyline]

 

[Freeplay]

Wow. dude u combined 2 of my favorite things. the hitchiker books and Warcraft. If i can help u write this thing or anything u just Private Message me. i know alot about both