Hitchhickers Guide to Warcraft

[Kenito]

4a) Night Elves Units

The nightelves have a wide variety of units. The biggest speculation is why the nightelf druids have muscles, yet all they need to do is wave their staff, say "Domo arigato, mr. roboto" to conjure up magical spells. Also, the nightelves seem to have many half-stag units, such as your standard Stagman, and your standard Stagman. How do they reproduce raises questions, and why some nightelven ancestors did it with a stag to make these abominations is an even larger question. Nonetheless, the nightelves are known for giving sacrifices to cannibalistic trees, in order to raise an army capable of destroying everything. They also enjoy, when the moon is out, standing naked and invisible in an enemy base, waiting for the right time to strike.

4b) Night Elves Story

Once upon a time, there was a man named "Bob Bobertson". He loved the wilds so much, that he did surgery to make his ears huge, so he could enjoy its sounds. One day, after angering a bear, he was pushed into a berry bush, where he became the purple-skinned man who would start it all. After pairings with trees and stags, the race was created. One day, Archimonde, jealous that the nightelves had such big breasts, and that the females of his race didn't even have any, lead him to strike a blow against the nightelves out of pure jealousy. Later on, Furion, the nightelf who had three names: Furion, Malfurion, and Shan'do (four if you count "Nightelf Santa") blew the horn of the first stagman, Cenarius, triggering his new laser light show. The lasers zapped Archimonde into oblivion. Since then, the nightelves have changed from guardians of the ancient world into pr0nstars. My how things have changed.

 

[brelinnnn]

I believe you are missing a key point in:
How to Play Warcraft:
Using ALT-G as many times as possible to show where to go, thus being called a n00blet and heving your allies leave.

 

[Siefer]

That is absolutely brilliant. Had me cracking up the whole time.

As a contributor, I feel honored.
Anyways, it's been awhile since I've been here. Any news on a website based on this thing? Anyways, time to make for me to continue:

To be added to the human units section:
"Half this beast is in danger, but the other half is danger! *gryphon roar*"
10. Gryphon Riders-Probably the human's/dwarves greatest weapon. It is a common misunderstanding that the mainpower of the gryphon rider lies in the magic of the rider dwarf's lightning hammer. While in actuality it is the combination of the amount (and direction) of wind the gryphon's wings make, and the size of the gryphon's droppings. The smell and weight of it's feces alone is enough to kill most units in a line. The dwarf's hammer is actually just there to aim the wind carrying the stench, by way of showing where the gryphon should flap it's wings; in addition to the fact that a gryphon trainer would never get a date with a hot female sorceress elf unless he used something shiny, magical, and manly.
*If you are a warcraft novice, be aware that saying that the gryphon is the human's greatest weapon isn't saying much, the undead have dragons with a breath of near absolute zero temperature, the night elves have dragons with 2 heads which shoot fire, poison, and other lethal things, the orcs have mounts that can eat an armed knight and horse whole at the same time. However, the momentum dung can achieve when coming from the back end of a mythical beast high in the air shouldn't be underestimated............well, yes it can, and should.

New Section-
11) Strategies You Haven't Thought of Yet

11a) When in a losing situation in a Free for All

11b)When in a losing situation in a Team Game
When in a team match, studies have proved that 97.596% of the time, you will be the one who's base is farthest away from your teammates and closest to the enemies'.
I. When the enemy rushes you while your guard is down, many of the pros suggest these 3 simple but effective steps:
-Bend Over with your head between your knees
-Kiss your ass goodbye
-Sabotage your connection so you have an excuse as to why you left, or you can just leave if you don't care what other people think of you
II. The best thing to do when encountering a force too large for you to deal with is to bring it to your allies' base and let them deal with it. If they were really your teammate, they wouldn't mind.

PS.One question, what happened to a lot of the thread's posts? Is it just me or are we missing some? Maybe I've just been away from here too long...

EDIT: I've had fun with you human units, I wanna do another race now, someone do an entry for teh (w00t! look at that spelling!) dragonhawk rider.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

I can't update, b/c I'm not on my usual computer.

Alot of the posts were destroyed when the server exploded. None of the information was lost because of a site made for this, so I copied and pasted that rest of the origional post, so don't worry.

Dragonhawk Rider

Dragonhawk riders are a confusing unit because the are neither dragons, or hawks. They're more like giant yellow flying chickens, and were named cool so people would try to use them, and in the end find that they're completly useless. They're main goal in life is to go fo a bigger role in expansion packs.

 

[Siefer]

Servers exploded? Woah. Wierd. While I'm here I might as well contribute:
To be added to that section about food:

Potions
There are various potions throughout the world of warcraft. Many normal units wish they could drink them, but they can't due to the fact that they aren't "cool enough." Conversely, many heroes wish they didn't have to drink them, but are forced to, because they were peer pressured into it, and now rely on them for survival when in a desperate situation. Supposedly "every hero's doing it."
Legends tell of the first potion, supposedly giving infinite life by drawing on the powers of the ancient Well. However, in present day they usually don't do much more than give you a sudden amount of speed or energy. No one knows who first put caffeine in the SunWell, but they are being tracked down to be arrested. And to be given a medal.

 

[Pineapple]

Critters​

Ah, for as long as i can remember (about 3 days of of now) the critters of warcraft were cute, or funny and slow. In reality the critter is an explosive nuke waiting for the buttons to be clicked. The critter will take on many forms to elude its pray. They might be a seal or a sheep or maybe even a pig! When located around your base the best thing to do i click it like no tomarrow! THe critter should curse and then exlode into an explosion bigger then the seige tanks (WTF). If the critter fails to explode after clicking then it must be a mechanical critter. This meens the enemies are spying on you. The best solution is to kill it or read the section stratigys you haven't thought of yet.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

that's awesome, in about 2 weeks I'll update. As for now, I have a half hour to do absolutly nohing, so to fill the time...

Shades- Shades are invisibly, gasious, and deadly. They're extremly useful to spy on people in the bathroom, and take pictures to post on school walls. When they're not being the ultimate pranksters, they do spy work for the mob, FBI, and anyone else who happens to have a sacrificial pit to lure acolytes to. To find the easiest way to find out how to kill an acolyte, reat the acolyte section located in some random area of the guide.

 

[Kenito]

Paladins-

Origins
Paladins are virtuous defenders of humanity. Their weapon of choice is the warhammer, but, more specifically, the kind of warhammer that they clearly stole from the dwarves. They, along with their knight brethren, are part of a secret cult known as the "The Cult of the Monty Python", where they have a ridiculously wide array of money python references to unleash upon their enemies.

Paladins are, more aptly named, as stupid. One example would be how, when clicked upon, they say "Let me face the peril", even if we are perhaps ordering him to pick up a cookie. "For my people!" Yeah, very dramatic, Shakespeare.

In WarCraft III
Blizzard's AI scars these heroes, as they are downgraded from their already dimwitted status, to what is perhaps an AI system running on the first beta version of DOS. Basically, like any warrior, the paladin is ordered to right click on an enemy, and just wait for it to stop moving. What's worse, they tend to spam their Divine Shield, aka a giant, golden dinnerplate, which spins above their heads. Some wonder how this shield truly works - well, the dinnerplate is so shiny that it blinds enemies, preventing them from harming the Paladin. How the Paladins avoid the shine from their own silverware, is by means of their beady eyes. If you were to re-skin a paladin, you would most likely accidentally remove his eyes.

In closing, the Paladin is the hallmark of Humanity's eternal retardation, which is why The Scourge killed them off so quickly - so they wouldn't make it so easy to destroy the rest of Humanity, for they wanted a challenge.

In WoW
Today, Paladins are nothing more than 9 year old noobs, who enjoy simply attacking an enemy and waiting for it to die. They have given up their divine shields, in exchange for what we call "1337speak". The common paladin can be found roaming Stormwind Keep, spamming the chat channels, and flaming anyone higher-levelled than him, claiming that person to be, again, in pallyspeak, "haxx0r".

 

[XXXconanXXX]

New Section-
11) Strategies You Haven't Thought of Yet

In The War Crafted By Humans, Ugly Green Yoda Spawns, White People With Questionable Eyebrows Riding Horses, And Big Breasted Purple Tree Huggers, (Or more commonly known as 'Warcraft') there are an infinite amount of strategies to take your opponent down. Whether it be sending your brain eating ghouls into the base and hoping at least one survives the onslaught, or sending your spiders into the base and burrowing while you gloat over their misfortune of imminent doom, their are also other strategies that people haven't thought of yet. And we're here to tell you what these strategies are!

A Horse Kicked Me Once, It Hurt

You want to start this strategy by setting the moud in your castle. Place flowers, sensual lingerie in the rooms, and a few peasants in there so they can get to work! Soon they'll be reproducing like bunnies, and you'll have a huge army of bloodthirsty and vicious peasants at your disposal! The Call To Arms ability is not needed, just gather your troops and send them into the towers of your enemy's base! Insured victory

See no evil, hear no evil

This full-proof plan, crafted by the geniuses who play Warcraft, (See also, 'Basement Virgins') is undeniably the greatest strategy a player can use for the Undead. What you want to do is try convincing the Acolytes wandering around aimlessly in your base giving themselves to Aiur into the boiling acid sacrificial pit.

Once done, the pit will magically spit out collections of gas and dirt. These monstrosities, known as Shades, are invisible to enemy units! Once your Shades are ready for battle, send about 100 of them into your enemy base. Though they cannot attack, your enemy will not be able to spot them! This gives you the chance to gloat over your enemy saying "Aha! Right'o mate! 100 of my Shades are causing mayhem right in your very base!" in a British (See also 'Big nosed nancy men with funny accents') accent. Eventually, your opponent should go into a downward spiral of madness, killing themselves, and allowing you to claim victory. Or, they're True Sight might kill all your Shades. Either way, victory is ensured with the ghastly ghouls of gruesome gas! May Cause Gas

What's That On Your Chest? Oh Wait...

The Night Elves have been known for their seductiveness. The big breasted tree huggers consist of mostly females wearing thongs and talking very suggestively.

To save on resources, put a manly tree, a bed, and a Night Elf female together and they'll figure out what to do. Soon, you should have female Night Elves who magically know how to use bows and G-strings. Send these sexy seductrisses into the enemy bases naked. The enemy should be so awe-stricken,so flabergasted, that they won't be able to control themselves. Sue for sexual harrassment and victory is ensured! Oddly errotic

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Wow, That's awesome. Thank you so much for contributing while I'm away from home, It'll be one heck of an update...


+rep to all!

 

[XXXconanXXX]

In WoW
Today, Paladins are nothing more than 9 year old noobs, who enjoy simply attacking an enemy and waiting for it to die. They have given up their divine shields, in exchange for what we call "1337speak". The common paladin can be found roaming Stormwind Keep, spamming the chat channels, and flaming anyone higher-levelled than him, claiming that person to be, again, in pallyspeak, "haxx0r".

Here's my write up for paladins in WoW...

Today, Paladins are a very productive and rewarding class in World of Warcraft.

Given that Paladins wear plate and heal, but have very low damage, their time spent grinding is time spent healing their opponents to death. But! There's a reward to this, and it is known as...

MASTURBATION.

Yes, that is right. While your Paladin is healing their enemies to death, this gives you a chance to minimize your game and look at sweet sweet porn.

Most classes need to use certain skills and strategies to down their opponents faster with less health/mana loss, but all Paladins need to do is yell "FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!" and hit the auto attack. So while your minimized looking at two naked gnomes hugging eachother, a few minutes later open WoW again and collect the phat lewt you so rightly deserve!

And when not grinding, Paladins also enjoy some PVP (Player versus Player) action against their fellow WoWers. This includes going into a Battleground, running into a group of Horde, then hitting Divine Sheild and using your Hearthstone.

When not PvPing or grinding, paladins also enjoy going into dungeons with fellow Alliance players. When their teammates are nobley attacking their vicious enemies, Paladins enjoy dancing in the back naked, while they look at their naughty images.

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

I would update the front page, but i can't! Stupid Aples, Give me my computer back! /cry!

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Acolytes

Heres some information about being an acolyte for the undead.

1. Purpose in life: The main goal of an acolyte is to wave your arms around, pretending to summon up buildings and gather gold. Much like workers today, mostly they try to look productive by standing around gold mines untill a blademaster appears out of nowhere and 1 hits them. They also like to be lured into sacrificial pits and made into shades, where they promptly become the ultimate in catching palidens looking at pr0n in the bathroom, and making incredibly scandilous pictures.

2. Health problems. One of the many problems (perhaps we should be glad) of acolytes is that they can't reproduce. how are there so many, then? We have no idea, but apparently they are lured like maggots to a dying cow because of the dental plan they get. Apparently, the dental plan makes up for the horrible scarred face they get when they sign up.

3. Why become an acolyte? One of the many poasters made by the NRDSoI (not really dead society of inbicles) show people living to be over 1000 years old. This is highly untrue. Most likley, you'll live about 1 second, and then killed by a random blademaster or attacked by ninjas, or killed in an attack, or made to become a shade, or sent on a suicide mission to scout on an enemy base, or to pretend to stand around and be productive all the time. I guess its really not that different from being a human worker, but as a human worker, you actually have to work, and that's why being an acolyte is so much better. As a bonus, you get better dental plans, too!

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

Just a bump today... about 6 more days till an update!

 

[Heavy-Gear]

LOL! that's really cool

well put together guys keep it up *bookmarks page*

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

well.... i'll be able to update in about a day or 3... so keep looking!1 for now, this is just a


*bump*

 

[Siefer]

What's That On Your Chest? Oh Wait...[/b]

The Night Elves have been known for their seductiveness. The big breasted tree huggers consist of mostly females wearing thongs and talking very suggestively.

To save on resources, put a manly tree, a bed, and a Night Elf female together and they'll figure out what to do. Soon, you should have female Night Elves who magically know how to use bows and G-strings. Send these sexy seductrisses into the enemy bases naked. The enemy should be so awe-stricken,so flabergasted, that they won't be able to control themselves. Sue for sexual harrassment and victory is ensured! Oddly errotic

Warning: If you are unlucky enough to face one of the 3 or 4 female Warcraft III players in the world, then this strategy may not be effective.

 

[Pineapple]

Warcraft influence in the world.

The end​

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

I seem not to be able to update my 1st post... but NEVER FEAR!!! for I have recreated it onto a Word Document! With a bunch of additives added to make it better!

-Fixed many many spelling mistakes
-Added all new content
-Edited TOC so it actually works
-Reorganized parts of it so sections are in some order and make sense
-Put some parts togeather, making it better
-Word document of all this!

Thank you so much for all the help with this! Its already 16 pages long! Keep up the good work!

 

[Lord_Phoenix]

bump