Hoping to start a Novel [Need a Name]

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Okay, I started up in a writing club at my school, and I got motivated to start a hopeful book series. I however, like everything else I do, would like criticism (both positive, and negative, yet be NICE about it) on my work.

If you also have any title ideas for the series it would be helpful.

Characters:
Jurkai Blood-Axe
Race: Kangor'yan
Age:37
Height: 6'5"
Importance/Position: Leader of the Kangor'yan race, and viewer of the Sapphiric Nightmare

Book 1: Creation
Chapter 1: Exile:
The cave was dimly lit. Runes of blood were along the walls, and in the middle of the room sat a large rock, glowing in the light of the cave's torches. Three beings, two men, and a woman, stood around the stone. One of the men wore a dark robe, and the hood hid his eyes from view. His hands were covered in dust, like he had been digging in the sand. The other man wore a small cape and held a staff. His face was that of a proud, and powerful man, but he seemed to have a look of fear and doubt in his eyes. The woman wore a cloak, yet unlike the first man she had her hood down. Her face was beautiful and her ears were long and pointed; she was an elf. Her eyes were hot and blazing like a steaming fire as she starred at the stone between the three of them. “Is everything ready Jurma?” the women asked the robed man.
“I shall make the final preparations now Hel'yuni” Jurma replied, “Although, I will need your help for a second Arklin, I may be the Earth mystic, but I cannot lift this boulder by myself.”
“Give me a moment Jurma,” Arklin replied in an angry tone, “I need to finish figuring this out first. Are you sure everything we have here is correct Hel'yuni?”
“Positive,” she replied, “I have researched this for the past five years, everything I have done is done perfectly. When this spell is complete we should have the gem. I only wish Gurmani had decided to join us, we'd have more power and would get a better result from the spell. None the less we shall finally bring peace to our world.”
“Hel'yuni, Arklin, it's ready.” Jurma declared, “Let the spell commence” Each of the three mystics began to chant in an ancient tongue, and they all began to glow. Jurma glowed an earth green, Arklin a deep water blue, and Hel'yuni a beautiful cloud white. The three glows shot out from each of them towards the stone. A flash of light filled the room, and screams rang through the cave.

Jurkai awoke with a start. His fur was soaked with his sweat. 'Was that just a dream?' he thought to himself as he sat inside his hut wide awake. He got off of his boar skin bed and walked out of the hut. The cold wind blew through his sweat soaked fur. It was still night, he had best stay inside. He retreated back inside where he began to think of the images he has just seen. 'They couldn't have been real' he continually thought to himself, 'but it seemed so real!' Jurkai wiped his head with his hands. This was too much to think about now, even if it was night, he should be preparing to hunt in the morning.
Jurkai got up from his bed once again and walked over to the room where he kept his gear. He needed to make a successful catch today, he had returned with nothing for the past few days, and the tribe were beginning to doubt his abilities. As leader, he needed to keep strong, so he prepared himself. He retrieved his net, his blade, and his leggings then finally decided he should wipe the sweat from his body.'Hopefully today I have some things explained to me while I am out in the desert.' He thought.
He set out from his hut into the still dark desert. Jurkai hoped he could catch something before everyone else awoke, at least then he could feed the elders. It was still frigidly cold though, so he walked at a fast pace through the soft cold sand. It when then that he saw him, a figure in the distance that seemed to by lying on the ground dead. He neared closer hoping it was something edible he could take home, but when the figure had visible features, Jurkai dropped his blade and ran. It was a man, huddled, cold, and freezing. Jurkai ran next to him and knelt down, “Are you okay?” he asked the man. He got no response, so Jurkai lifted the man over his shoulder, retrieved his blade and headed towards the village. 'A life is more important than food' he thought.

Jurkai sat in front of the fire he had made in his hut. His bed lay behind him, and on it, the stranger he had found in the desert. 'That man is lucky to be alive' he thought, 'In those outside temperatures, not even our people can survive long. He is a strong man.' Jurkai looked back at the man as he rolled around in the bed, and something caught his eye, something he hadn't noticed before. The man had a symbol, a crest on his clothes. Curious to see what it was Jurkai moved towards him and closer examined this new clue as to where the stranger was from. 'What the!?! This can't be!?' Jurkai lept back from the man and grabbed his blade, 'this man is an Akroyian...damn it I should have just let him die!'
The stranger stirred and slowly began to open his eyes, Jurkai readied himself for anythign that may come at him. The man looked at Jurkai, saw his large axe and jumped off the bed. “Wh....wha....what do you want with me?” the man asked in a very trembling voice, “And...wh....why am I here?”
Jurkai lowered his axe, 'This man is harmless' he thought, 'I might as well explain things to him.' Jurkai looked at the man, “You are the village of Jurmani, in the middle of the Desert of Exile. I found you almost dead in the cold during my hunt this morning. However when I brought you in I didn't see that you were from Akroya. If you can, forgive my aggressive first impression, our race has long been under oppression and annoyance from your race and country.” The man seemed to be paying more attention to Jurkai's features than what he was actually saying. Then the man looked up at Jurkai and spoke to him.
“Nothing to be forgiven. In fact I should be the one asking you to forgive me. After all, you did save me and spare my life, I should be groveling at your feet. Oh and pardon me, where are my manners, my name is Denerak, and I dearly thank you for your hospitality. Now I am sorry but I must leave, I have very important matter which I must attend to.” Jurkai looked at Denerak with curiosity.
“Important matters you say?” he inquired the man, “Tell me, what is it you were sent here to do?”
“Oh please, I know what you are thinking, and no I am not an assassin, if I were I would have killed you by now no? I am here because I am a messenger. I have a very grave message that needs to be given to the leader of your race. I believe his name is Jurkai Blood-Axe, could you possibly show me where I might find him?” Jurkai looked at the man and laughed. “I don't get what's so funny.” Denerak said stiffly, “This is a very important mission, I felt lucky to accept it! How dare you mock me!”
“Oh it's not that, “Jurkai began after his laughing had ceased, “it's just well, I am Jurkai Blood-Axe. I somehow found that amusing. Anyway, what message is it you bring for me?” Denerak looked at Jurkai with a shocked look on his face and jumped back from Jurkai.
“Your the leader!” He yelled, “you're not kidding me?”
“No, “Jurkai swiftly replied, “why would I joke with you about something like this?”
“Well,” Denerak began, “when I was told this message was for the leader of your race, I...well, I pictured you as some sort of king upon a throne with peasants working under you. Not that you would be like all the others as an equal.”
“It is the Kangor'yan way Denerak.” Jurkai said, “Here, let me explain to you. In Exile our race was once divided into many small tribes. We all fought endlessly, for, unbelieveably, land. You see here in Exile land is plentiful, yes, but most of it is not suited for agriculture. The land we have in which our plants can grow is scarce. I was a little boy, who unfortunately was born into this large conflict. My father, one of the many loyal men of the Red Fist Tribe, died when I was just entering manhood. For many years afterward, I was psychotic, I killed anyone not from my tribe without fail, and all in my tribe loved me for it. Then one day, I was in battle, and killed a man. This man was the father of a boy who had been fighting alongside him. Upon seeing the sadness of the son, I ran from the battle. Like expected, my tribe banished me for retreating from battle, and endlessly loosing us a large track of land. I wandered this vast desert alone for at least 5 years before the truth hit me.
Our race was slowly shrinking because of the massive bloodshed, and I had finally realized that instead of a divided race, I should unite the tribes. So I in secret sent message to the leaders of the Seven Tribes to meet with me. I of course could not refer who I truly was, so instead I referred to myself as, 'the Truth'. Surely enough, I met with the leaders, and put forward my proposal of joining the tribes. All but one tribe leader disbanded my idea and called me a fool. Rorkan the leader of the Sandstorm Tribe said he saw promise in a union of our race. to my horror, the other six clan leaders called him a betrayer to our race, and in our very meeting room killed him. At this I showed the leaders who I was really was, and in a violent rage, I laid to rest the remaining six. I had remorse for what I had done, but I knew that I had fulfilled the dream I had. I took the heads of all the leaders to all the tribes and declared myself as the new leader. That was five years ago, and yet there is still strife between the old tribes. I now work my hardest to keep peace in our race, and to help prove myself as a leader. If I did not, I would have probably been slaughtered now by my kinsmen.” Denerak sat down in a chair an just starred at Jurkai.
“So much work for peace that still isn't there.” He gripped his forhead and looked towards the ground, “Sir, was it, really all that worth it? I mean could you not have just defeated the other tribes and let yours prosper?” Jurkai looked down at him.
“Enough of this talk. Give me the message you have brought.” Jurkai looked at Denerak sternly, and he understood Jurkai wanted him to finish his mission and leave, quickly.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
>His hands were covered in dust, like he had been digging in the mud.

Mud isn't dust though...

Not bad...
May I ask what the theme is? If any?
Might what to describe more too, boars aren't found in the desert? And you can't grow crops in the desert? >_<
 

master maste

New Member
I enjoyed it, I would recommend reading it slowly to yourself so that you can see where the errors are (some of it just didnt make sense)

other than that great job.
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
I can't criticise much else besides grammar and organization because you only have one small part posted, (I really hope that isn't really one chapter, unless you plan on doing lots and lots of chapters) and I really don't want to go through your story and edit everything, you need to learn how to do it yourself (or you'll have to get someone to edit everything everytime), so I'm going to ramble on about names instead.

Do not make names like: Hel'yuni.
It doesn't fit an Elf anyways.

The rest of the names is just a matter of opinion. I can't really judge them properly without knowing the characters, but several of them sound rough-ish.

You should try differentiating in names too. You named the village Jurmani, when you already have Jurma and Jurkai
 

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Well thanks for the comments guys

>Mud isn't dust though...

If I change that to 'like he had been digging in the sand' would you be happy? :p

>May I ask what the theme is? If any?

Well it is a fantasy story, and I haven't thought of a name for the world my story is in yet though. Currently we are in the world of ABC :p

>Might what to describe more too, boars aren't found in the desert? And you can't grow crops in the desert?

Umm when was the last time you visited a desert, things live there, plants grow there XD. Besides this is a whole other world, for all you know in my story there could be this magical crop that grows anywhere there is soil, despite climate :D

>I enjoyed it, I would recommend reading it slowly to yourself so that you can see where the errors are (some of it just didnt make sense)

I tried that before I posted it, and I guess I will do so again :p

>I really hope that isn't really one chapter, unless you plan on doing lots and lots of chapters

Lol, hell no this is not one chapter. More or less this is just what I currently have for chapter one. Considering book one is [hopefully] going to be 8 chapters, they will be considerably long.

>Do not make names like: Hel'yuni.
It doesn't fit an Elf anyways.

names are something I try to be creative with. In chapter two you meet up with a lovely huntsman named Guru'taru ^_^ and that name isn't changing T_T

>ou should try differentiating in names too. You named the village Jurmani, when you already have Jurma and Jurkai

You make a point...but what do you want me to do? use Legolas Aragon and Gimli as names? lol, Either way I will try to think up other names, the ones I am currently using are just ones that have come to me in the moment of writing.
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
Guru'taru is fine.
But Hel'yuni isn't.
Guru'taru sounds like a sort of tribal name, has a certain feel to it that Hel'yuni doesn't have.

Names like Khein'loraz or whatever, are not "creative". They are annoying, hard to pronounce, and random. Try to avoid apostrophe names as much as possible, except maybe in the case of Guru'taru-like names - but even then, only one or two please.

Either way I will try to think up other names, the ones I am currently using are just ones that have come to me in the moment of writing.
In my opinion, each character should have a name that fits their personality/role/person or symbolizes them in some way. Names are very important, don't be so hasty in deciding them. I could come up with half-a-dozen names in ten seconds, but to find the right name for a character might take much longer.
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
Umm when was the last time you visited a desert, things live there, plants grow there XD. Besides this is a whole other world, for all you know in my story there could be this magical crop that grows anywhere there is soil, despite climate
See, this is what I mean by descriptive. When I hear desert, I think of something like the Sahara Desert.
I know there isn't magical crops that grow despite the climate, because if there was, the Jur guy's tribe wouldn't be killing their own people for land to grow crops in.

And sand doesn't leave dust either... it leaves sand o_O
Dust is the... dust you find on old books, or ontop of shelves, etc.
 

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Okay well I am making corrections and changes to the story tonight as I have to print it and take it to school tmr (for writting club we are subbose to show new work we have done every week). Either way I will also be adding a little more to the chapter since I wrote a bit last night.

And about the names...
I know each and every name put on a character is important. I jsut have trouble thinking of names because I do not want to use simple things like Ed, or Bob, yet imaginative names are hard to come up with sometimes.

EDIT: Oh esb would you leave the dust thing alone T_T
 

esb

Because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
Maybe you should post the personalities of the characters, and people on the forums can give suggestions, a long with meanings.
 

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
not a bad idea...I currently have a small character sketch for Jurkai so I will add that to the first post
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Characters don't make the story. Honestly, take Cowboy Bebop for example. The plot was terrible, the characters were awesome. It still made an awesome show, but the plot made me want to throw up.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
Here's some errors
“Your the leader!” He yelled, “you're not kidding me?”
Should be "You're the leader!"

His fur was soaked with his sweat.
His fur? HIS?! He's King Kong?! XD jking, shouldn't it be... like the bed's? lol

Make thoughts Italic, would clear things up and more user readable friendly... [is that even a word?]


I had found more, but lost where they were lol, but carefully read through it, get someone like a younger brother to read through it, helps a lot X3
[wait, isn't that why you posted it here? ._.]
 

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
Thanks for the corrections guys :p

>His fur? HIS?! He's King Kong?! XD jking, shouldn't it be... like the bed's? lol

Lol, when I add more to Jurkai's character profile you will understand. The Kangor'ya (Jurkai's race) are a race of half human, half lion hybrids. They have sharp fangs and claws, and have a small layer of fur over their skin. They can also do something funky with there eyes, but I will wait until later to tell you about that XD

>Characters don't make the story.

that depends on who you are. I mean with me, I enjoy reading stories that have interesting characters. That's what keeps me motivated to read a book. A good plot is usually a bonus lol.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Just to clear this up after reading some comments, might get back to the actual story later.

Dust is either (civilized) dust, like in a house, or dust, like a pile of dirt. sand can still make your hands dusty. mud however, doesn't make sense. Even if the mud dried it wouldn't be dusty, it would be stuck to his skin.

And first time I'm going to dissagree with you Ninva...

Characters don't make the story.
that is true if you write like that, but you should never ever write like that. The plot is what is happening to the character. The only reason their is a plot is because of the character. everything centers around the character. The plot is his perspective.
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
Characters make up a lot of the story, there aren't many unused plots out there anymore, it's so hard to come up with something completely unique, meaning it's up to the character to hold the attention of the reader.

If you don't like any of the characters, why are you going to care if their world gets destroyed and everybody is murdered?

Sure, you still need a decent plot, but I can't exactly say much about the plot with what he's got there can I?
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
The entire story is about the character. choose a different character, they have a different plot. The plot is just a secondary thing
 

DM Cross

You want to see a magic trick?
Staff member
If you seriously woke up one day and said "I'm going to write a book" and this is what you got, I seriously suggest you stop what you're doing and expand it. Not stop writing, never stop writing, but stop getting ahead of yourself. Certain ideas simply will not make good novels unless edited.
 

Demonwrath

Happy[ExtremelyOverCommercializ ed]HolidaysEveryon
lol it's not like I woke up, wrote something, and said 'THIS CAN BE A NOVEL OMFG!!!!' :p

I wrote this little snippet as I call it for an idea for a short story that popped into my head one day. However with me, I usually stop a story after I trail it off into nothingness, but this idea I liked, so I wrote everything out. I started make character sketches, setting descriptions, everything (took me a week to do all of it too :eek:). eventually when I did start writing, I believed that because I had written everything down, I could expand it more, make it bigger, and as I added more characters, and places, the plot expanded...and eventually I hoped that I could hopefully get this done, send it to some publishers (after looking through what a teacher at my school calls 'The Writer's Bible'; it's a book with the names of every publisher in North America, and what the like and don't like to see when getting in books, stories, articles, whatever). Even if I only get this one chapter finished I will be pleased with myself.

And besides, I have a huge motivation to be a writer. My best friend moved away a few years ago (like half the country away) and he used to always love anything I wrote, whether it be a little essay, a poem, anything really, so I promised him that some day he'd go into a book store and see something of mine sitting on the shelf ^_^

Anyway I guess you could say that's the story behind this story lol. Oh, and stop talking about whether character are import or not to a story, if you want to debate about that make a poll on the forum or something lol. This thread is for my story :p
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    We can fix that.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Chat should show on the sidebar when not logged in now.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    (You'll still need to log in to post messages)
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Test!
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    I must be in a test server.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Nice, Twitter tweets embedding now works
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Yup.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Excellent.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    @tom_mai78101 Hello there.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Tagging works in the chat too.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    @Ghan Missed it.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Still fixing things here and there. Added widgets to the portal, will make it match the ones here on the forum index tomorrow.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    The venerable World Editor Tutorials site has been converted to HTTPS at last.
  • jonas jonas:
    cool
  • jonas jonas:
    and I can even edit my messages, nice
  • seph ir oth seph ir oth:
    GENERAL CHIT CHAT, YOU ARE A BOLD ONE
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Hello there
  • The Helper The Helper:
    this new chatbox is great and the forum software update is great too
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    upgrade has fixed forum registration spam problem
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Something tells me we might be able to customize the chatbox a bit, considering that there's a gap under every message.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Going to deploy a fix soon, just had to take some time for myself this weekend.
  • Varine Varine:
    Unbelievable. Time for yourself? How dare you!
  • Wizard Wizard:
    xD

    Members online

    No members online now.

    Affiliates

    Hive Workshop
    Top