mindless tirade

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Ninva, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

    Ratings:
    +377 / 0 / -0
    Listen to the rain of the urban sprawl.
    Here in Chicago, mighty folks fall.
    It's a ring in the air -- that echoes far.
    God knows that you outta crawl.

    The city night was never silent, and so my mind resigned to speaking. And it spoke for hours, keeping me awake past the hours -- waiting for something, not sure what but something big. I bit my finger tips, and I took another stab:

    Damn thou winter blast.
    You speak so harsh,
    But not doth thy pen...

    What am I doing? I thought. I yawned, but it was a vain yawn -- the type you do when your girlfriend looks at you. It's that type of nervousness that gets me late at night when I'm alone. I listened to the dull haze of night.

    Uuuuuuuoooo.

    I twas a drawn out upsilon -- as if bended by time and speed, to be elongated and in waves. I wrote something again, but it was nothing but a mindless tirade.
     
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  2. Halahan

    Halahan To die will be an awfully big adventure.

    Ratings:
    +53 / 0 / -0
    Ninva, YOU'RE awesome. I love it.
     
  3. DM Cross

    DM Cross You want to see a magic trick? Staff Member

    Ratings:
    +570 / 1 / -0
    Line 4, you may have meant the word "oughta"... Outta, to my knowledge is used like "I'm outta here" whereas you seemed to be trying to use slang to say "ought to". Might just be me, or maybe even an intentional misuse for the sake of the character.

    You seemed to mix styles of older English and modern English. Words like "twas" and "thou" with regular, modern speaking and honestly, not sure if I liked the mix. I think it's a bit too obvious where the lines are, I don't think it blended as well as you probably could.

    I still liked it, the flow of the first stanza was truly well done. I said it out loud at work like a nitwit and everyone stared at me, but still, I liked it.
     

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