My Daughters Poetry

The Helper

Administrator
Staff member
My 9 year old daughter just wrote this

Faries!Faries! These creatures have wings. Do you know how one sings? Most are nice but some have hearts as cold as ice. These creatures are full of suprises and has tons of very cool features. All of them have magic but some is tragic. Some are evil, and others are good. Also you do not know what they'll do next.

Can you help her in 9 year old language? You guys rock :thup:
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Haha, I wish I could speak to her face-to-face. I love to help a lot of younger children with their English assignments. It just seems different to give out advice on-line.

I think the only major detail she should really work on right now is choosing what to keep in the poem and what to throw out. Some sentences just don't fit, yet others do. So, she should start getting into the habit of revising her poems. Tell her to reread her poems, and tell her to look at it as if someone else was reading it. This may teach her how to be more empathic if she hasn't learned this very well yet (it's probably safe to say she is or will, girls are social creatures).
She has potential to write some really neat stuff in the future (and I'm not just saying that). Tell her to keep writing!
 

The Helper

Administrator
Staff member
Haha, I wish I could speak to her face-to-face. I love to help a lot of younger children with their English assignments. It just seems different to give out advice on-line.

I think the only major detail she should really work on right now is choosing what to keep in the poem and what to throw out. Some sentences just don't fit, yet others do. So, she should start getting into the habit of revising her poems. Tell her to reread her poems, and tell her to look at it as if someone else was reading it. This may teach her how to be more empathic if she hasn't learned this very well yet (it's probably safe to say she is or will, girls are social creatures).
She has potential to write some really neat stuff in the future (and I'm not just saying that). Tell her to keep writing!
I found a notebook full of poetry and she admitted she had been writing. I figure wtf I have a writers corner on my site I will post some of this stuff up. Thanks for helping I appreciate all criticism both positive and negative but keep it constructive remember it is a 9 year old.
 

Pineapple

Just Smile.
Faries! Faries!
These creatures have wings.
Do you know how one sings?
Most are nice,
but some have hearts as cold as ice.
These creatures are full of suprises,
and has tons of very cool features.
All of them have magic
but some is tragic.
Some are evil, and others are good.
Also you do not know what they'll do next.

I will go with the assumption that is the correct line formating.

Now, it looks like a simple AA, BB, CC rhyming format.

The mani thing I noticed was

suprises---features
good---next

They just don't rhyme together.

And I must say, he poem is much better then most of mine are. :thup:
 

Zedzy

ℑΣÐℑΨ
Faries! Faries!
These creatures have wings.
Do you know how one sings?
Most are nice,
but some have hearts as cold as ice.
These creatures are full of suprises,
and has tons of very cool features.
All of them have magic
but some is tragic.
Some are evil, and others are good.
Also you do not know what they'll do next.

I will go with the assumption that is the correct line formating.

Now, it looks like a simple AA, BB, CC rhyming format.

The mani thing I noticed was

suprises---features
good---next

They just don't rhyme together.

And I must say, he poem is much better then most of mine are. :thup:
It's a girl.
 

The Helper

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks for the tips guys. Keep it nice and I will let her read them directly tomorrow morning. I really appreciated it!
 

The Helper

Administrator
Staff member
Haha, I wish I could speak to her face-to-face. I love to help a lot of younger children with their English assignments.
This was not an English Assignment. I found her poem book - they were pokemon poems. My daughter freaking rocks. If you guys are nice I will watch her work with you if you think you could help her.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
I would love to read some Poke'mon poems, I think it'd just brighten my day.

And the fairy poem is sweet. I particularly liked how the fairies were not all good, Tinkerbell-style fairies, which I would typically expect from a nine-years old girl.

I agree, though, you should try to fix the rhymes for those two lines, Miss. Even if you have to rethink the line a little to make it work, it would flow much better.
 

U are a noob

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
Faries! Faries!
These creatures have wings.
Do you know how one sings?
Most are nice,
but some have hearts as cold as ice.
These creatures are full of suprises,
and has tons of very cool features.
All of them have magic
but some is tragic.
Some are evil, and others are good.
Also you do not know what they'll do next.
>but some have hearts as cold as ice.
My english teacher told me to generally avoid the "as <blank> as" situation. Might try to replace it with a over statement. My suggestion: "colder than" ice.
>Also you do not know what they'll do next.
"Also" don't usually work in poems but in this case you may have to change more like the "do not" to something like "may never". Also when you use "do not" it should be "don't" just for the stream line effect.

Great work for a 9 year old.

End effect:
Faries! Faries!
These creatures have wings.
Do you know how one sings?
Most are nice,
but some have hearts colder than ice.
These creatures are full of suprises,
and has tons of very cool features.
All of them have magic
but some is tragic.
Some are evil, and others are good.
You may never know what they'll do next.
Don't forget to show her the writing tips.
 

duyen

New Member
This was not an English Assignment. I found her poem book - they were pokemon poems. My daughter freaking rocks. If you guys are nice I will watch her work with you if you think you could help her.
hehehe pokemon was a great game back in the day
 

Rapmaster

Administrator
What's her problem with fairies? Why are some of them bad!!?!? You can't just go around throwing out accusations like that!
 
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