My Life

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Varine, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    So, I suppose is one of those stranger posts that we get now and then. The fact of the matter is I've been in continuous touch with some of the people on this forum than I have with friends in real life, not necessarily to say that this isn't real life - we have, on some level, developed emotional bonds between a few of us. We have a tendency to notice when some of us stop posting for a while, and on occasion with question it, leading to some discussions - like when TH disappeared for a while, we all noticed, and Cheshire, despite the novelty of his typical responses, was sincere enough to make a thread to discuss it. And obviously we all realize this is the Internet, and the fact of the matter is none of us are necessarily intimate friends, but nevertheless we are one some level friends, the nice thing about which is that we never will see each other, and can be honest in a way that we normally wouldn't with other people in our lives, because will, in general, probably never actually meet in person, and the fear of judgement, or repercussion, or whatever, is largely removed. And so I would like to exploit that advantage of that reverie and post a little bit about my life.

    Anyway, about the main purpose of the post - I have spent the vast majority of my life addicted to one substance or another. I am, in short, a product of the 90's, when the fear of drugs became very, very prevalent in America. In school, we learned that drugs were essentially the same - there was little difference between tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, heroin, amphetamines, etc. At least, as far as the educational system was concerned, I learned that all were inherently bad and were to be avoided if one had the desire of living a good, productive life. Of course, this drug education is totally flawed, and there are very, very significant differences between all of them.

    At about the age of thirteen or fourteen, I started smoking weed and had a few drinks - and of course, as most people do, enjoyed them immensely. Shortly after that, I succeeded into harder drugs - specifically heroin. At this time, I was scheduled to graduate high school at sixteen and continue to college at New York University to study mathematics with almost a full scholarship.

    By age fifteen, I was, I think it's safe to say, addicted to said heroin. By sixteen I had progressed beyond smoking and pills to injection. Followed by several years of daily use, leading to me working a series of dead end jobs, which ended up where I am now - a depressed chef that hates my job, hates my life, and often wish I won't wake up when I fall asleep. Suicide is a daily thought, not necessarily an option (I don't think I have the courage to do it), but it is often a serious consideration.

    I have been 'sober' several times over, but at least once a year since I was 20 I've relapsed at least once, and in between I drowned myself in alcohol or with the use of benzodiazapines. All of these drugs have put in the hospital multiple times due to overdose, I should have died several times because I didn't go to the hospital and somehow still woke up, and once because my alcohol dependence was so high that quitting cold turkey was not an option without potential heart fibrillation. And I have, almost every time, lost everything I had been working towards. Short of family, careers, friends, the only real home I've ever known, and significant amounts of money, I also have lost my fiance, the absolute love of my life, and with her my would be child that I will never get to meet (if he or she was even allowed the chance to live - I don't know if she carried the child to term). I have lied to myself more than I have told the truth over the last twelve years or so, to the extent that I'm no longer confident in my real history. I can truly say that I don't know who I am right now, so I can only imagine how little anyone else could actually know me.

    In this last year, I have lost most of my close friends, most of which were due to drug and alcohol abuse, all of which would still be alive had any of us sought the appropriate help at any stage of our addictions. Almost all of us had been to rehab at least once (it taught me how to lie very well) - we enjoyed not being sober, we were a sort of happy that we weren't sure could be achieved independently. Of the several of us that had been friends since high school, I am the only one still alive. I remember waking up next to my best friend once a while ago, not sure where I was, to find him drowning in vomit. It was everything I could physically do to roll him to his side, and then I went back to bed - I didn't really care, it was just a thing you do. I wasn't able to think, I wasn't able to process what was happening.

    My life is gone now. I literally have no one else to turn to - I have known most of the people here longer than almost anyone else in my life. I've been sober for the last month and a half or so from harder drugs, though the needle marks are still there, and my veins are still hard. For the last two weeks I haven't smoked weed (which is the most significant amount of time away from it since I was thirteen), and for the last three weeks I haven't had more than four drinks per night (which is very insignificant for me - I'm one of those people that can drink a handle a night and wake up without a hangover, every night).

    I reconnected with my family a little over Christmas - which has been awesome, but also very awkward. I don't really know who they are, and I'm not confident they want to know me. I'll be spending a week or so with them later in January, around my birthday, which will be the longest amount of time I've spent with them in like four years.

    I'm not really sure if anyone here cares - I can't really blame anyone not to. I mean, I really almost don't care. I've been very lucky that I'm still alive, I suppose, but at the same time, I view life as a kind of punishment - we're unlucky enough to have to deal with it. My choice, obviously, was to find ways to ignore it, to lose myself and pretend that I'm someone good. There is a lot of things I don't talk about, especially since I've been, as I'm saying, sober, that I now remember and don't want to.

    Anyway, the point being, after an entire adult life of abuse and dependence, I no longer want to be an addict.
     
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  2. FireCat

    FireCat Oh Shi.. Don't wake the tiger!

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    I salute you for trying to end your addiction!
    Just stay strong and persistent.
     
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  3. The Helper

    The Helper Administrator Staff Member

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    Being clear about your goals is a big step. It is something I have been plagued with in my life as well.
     
  4. Accname

    Accname 2D-Graphics enthusiast

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    Oooooh. Varine just wants us to be friends. How sweet.

    I dont know what I could tell you. I dont understand addiction. It doesnt seem to work on me. I dont feel good when I take drugs. Thinking about it, I actually never feel good at all except when I am working.
     
  5. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    On some level. It's not exactly like I have no friends, but those friendships are based almost entirely on a mutual desire to not be sober. It's always, let's go drink, smoke weed, etc. It's difficult to find social activities that involve neither, especially during the winter, when surrounded by people without addiction problems. So I'm on some level, at least right now, unable to join in - one drink, two drinks, I want to get trashed and I am a person with little short-term self control. Certainly I can get drunk just this one night, but my drunk is not the same. When I got my DUI a couple years ago I was at like .2 and thought I was fine, I had no problem taking a breath test, was like there's no way I won't pass. I've noticed no one wants to hang out with me sober, the few times I have gone, well why not just have a drink? Smoke a bowl? I'm boring, depressing - I suppose that's part of coming back up, but it's seemingly odd considering a lot of these were the people that berated me for having a drinking problem. A lot of people quite talking to me altogether when I explained I had more than just a drinking problem.

    Addiction is weird. The first time pretty much anyone smokes heroin (I doubt there are many slamming it right off the bat, but the effect would be the same) gets very, very sick. Some of them wake up the next day never wanting it again, some of us woke up already feeling the addiction (it literally was getting over the sickness and wanting it again). And then there is also the potential that you have a family, or at least are largely around people that care. That's the biggest misunderstanding, I think, is that there is surprisingly little personal support. There are groups, but the people that you imagine would be the ones to notice, the ones that you think would definitely be there for someone, almost never are. Drugs can alleviate that realization. As a kid when my dad figured out I was doing drugs he compared me to a rapist (it took almost five years before anyone asked me about it. Years of long sleeves to hide marks on my elbows through 100 degree summers, no one once asked why) - the reality is I wanted a personal relationship that I didn't have, I wanted to know people cared about me. I don't hurt people, other than myself. Of course I was also bullied in high school with few friends (other than, obviously, those of us that grouped up with drugs), my family probably loves me but I don't think they ever really LIKED me, I was the one that got left out of family vacations while I was in college, definitely the black sheep. It's obviously a painkiller, so physically you go numb, and you can kind of feel the problems receding. You feel safe, even when you're clearly not. You're competent, not like invulnerable, but like you can handle the situation, you think you just know what to do. And then you come back up, and you're just sore, even if you're not hurt you're hurting, you might get a little sick, and can't think very well. But a little more will take all that away.

    It's taken a long time to figure out that the reality is, no one really cares about anyone. I mean they do, but that isn't the goal, no one is spending their life looking for someone else to care about; you, I, everyone, needs to care about themselves, and for some of us that is extremely difficult. I mean, I don't, I'm still going to bed with the vague hope that I won't wake up, and then I do and have to go through it all over again. If I can sleep at all, that is. I wonder my value to the world, and can rationalize how the world would be improved without people like me, we're like a drain on happiness. Just like now, I'm taking time from all of you, probably depressing whatever mood you were previously in at least on some level, in a desperate pursuit of some kind of selfish acceptance, to be part of a world that I had felt rejected me. For good reason or not.

    I don't really know what I want. A relationship I haven't had since my fiance, to change the world, to build that game engine I always talked about - the only thing I know is that I don't want to be an addict, but I also don't really want to be sober.
     
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  6. Accname

    Accname 2D-Graphics enthusiast

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    If you know that you have an addictive personality why dont you try to get hooked on something else? Something less destructive.
    Like running or lifting weights or something like that. A healty addiction. I have heard of people for whom it worked.
     
  7. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    That's exactly what I'm doing. But lifting weights and running don't get you numb, they don't ease the pain of whatever. They also aren't exactly addictive, I mean running isn't exactly a painkiller like morphine is. The point has been to forget about problems, to not worry - running is time to think, so I would just get depressed and lose motivation, go home and get high, get drunk, whatever. I guess it's not the easiest thing to explain. I've been thinking about rehab again, but I also fucking hated rehab. It's about motivation, at this point, and it's difficult to keep that up. There's just not a lot of people in my life that actually WANTED me to be better - maybe my fiance, but that was mostly because she was pregnant. I haven't had a real relationship since her, my family doesn't really seem to like me around, and my coworkers do nothing but bitch about me. In the event I could be replaced at work I would be, but my bosses know that I do basically everything - right now I just don't know what to do. I feel a lot better sober, I guess, but I also go home, alone, and just distract myself. I don't want to think, I don't want to deal with it. For the past few weeks, crying is just like an emotion - I'm still kind of numb, I'm not really happy, but I understand it again, I just stop everything. I lie down and don't think, well I do but about things I can't change, I think about why I fell in love with the girl I like, and how the answer is and always will be no, and how I want to leave but don't want to leave. I still just really want to go to bed and not wake up, it would be like a relief almost to know that I could be done, right fucking now, if I just had the motivation to do it.
     
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  8. Accname

    Accname 2D-Graphics enthusiast

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    If you dont like your life then get out of it. Go someplace else and do something else. You muricans are crazy people from out perspective. You rally behind ideologies and do crazy shit out of belief. Nobody does something like that here in europe. We all just dont care. But in murica people seem to make a big deal out of everything. Maybe you just have to learn how to do that. You just have to find a goal, get obsessed about it and follow it to the end.
     
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  9. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    We Americans live under tyranny disguised as freedom, but few people have ever seen real freedom. We don't leave America; I'm not even allowed for another couple years because of some DUI's. It's a different world here; I would love to travel to Europe, to go to Finland or immigrate to Norway. I legitimately am not allowed to leave here: We are tyranny. I know I've gone to jail several times for possession; should I have? Absolutely not; I should have been offered help, the system instigates this. Our country is founded entirely on hidden oppression, and remains standing because of that oppression, only with propaganda that beats Nazi Germany in terms of effectiveness. We are self contained, and we are slaves. Having that knowledge does not help me, because I cannot leave this country, fuck I can barely my state, without the chance of life imprisonment for fleeing. And I am not kidding, if I were to leave this country illegally and were to get sent back, I would be in prison for a minimum of ten years right now. The only hope I really have to get out of this piece of shit country is a big fucking war, that we all know is coming. You know this, Acc. We are a society of judgement. You think that I can openly tell people that I'm a heroin addict? All I hear is I need to give my life 'God' that doesn't exist, that people will pray for me, but do you think anyone wants to talk to me? You think anyone wants to actually help me? People here live their lives under a superstition that government doesn't matter; we don't talk about politics or religion, politics are for the politicians, who run your life. Religion is for the Church Elders, who run your life. The average person is not raised to think for themselves; they are raised to be told what to do by figures in elected positions based on the idea that we aren't good enough to think for ourselves, therefore we vote for people to think for us. The United States of America is a dictatorship; choosing your master in terms of years does not make a person free. We choose where we live, and on some level choose where we work: we are hardly a step above regular slavery, the only difference is we're allowed to waste our money as we see fit, so long as those choices fall within specified guidelines as determined by the government. To the extent of determining what foods we should eat, and how much of those foods we should eat. There is a legitimate law in this country that determined a tomato is a vegetable, which is not a biological definition of anything, solely to make money. There is a ten page document and an approval I have to wait for if I want to change my address (yes, I literally have to wait for the court to approve me moving out of my apartment if I want to legally move somewhere else, even in the same city. I was recently denied, actually, unless I can prove that I have a job in the city I want to go to, because I am a slave).

    On the bright side, I just had the first real conversation with my dad in over ten years. I mean, we've talked and he knew I was an addict, but being sober right now, this was the first time in my life I've heard him tell me he was proud of me. It was pretty profound. I can't wait to actually have a family again. I have a few days to go spend in jail from some shit I ignored a few years ago, but after that, I get some time off.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
  10. Syndrome

    Syndrome You can change this now in User CP.

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    That's something that is very easily said but extremely hard to do. Especially in Varine's situation. He's got no friends, no family, and constantly is under stereotype threat.
    It's so hard to put yourself into doing something if no one is there to support you. Worse is if people think you're barely passing for human.

    Anyways...
    Varine, without sounding sappy or anything, I can't promise much or offer any help, but I can listen or read what you've got to say. I hope it gets better for you here on out.

    Good luck!
     
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  11. Accname

    Accname 2D-Graphics enthusiast

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    I would see it the other way around. If you have friends and family then why would you want to get away? Why would you leave those who love you? I could never do that, even if I wanted.
    But if there is nothing holding me somewhere; when I have no reason to look back, I will look forward.

    What is usually the reason to stay where you are, even if you are miserable, is the fact that its so nice and easy. Staying is as easy as not going. Not going is much much simpler then going. It just involves doing nothing at all.
    Sometimes people are lucky. They wait until happiness falls into their laps. Doesnt happen very often though. For all the others its either 'die alone' or DIY fate a.k.a. get out in the world and meet your fortune.
     
  12. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    I think you're failing to recognize that rational thought is not necessarily a thing that is typical in the situation. It's not that you aren't necessarily right, it's that you're assuming one can think like you are, sober, when they are not.
     
  13. thewrongvine

    thewrongvine The Evolved Panda Commandant Staff Member

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    That hits it I think, what Varine just said. Accname you're a very logical guy. And so is Varine, so are many of us here I do believe. But circumstances and emotions and thoughts can get in the way of logic that, as you said yourself, is something you don't or can't really understand unless you've been in that situation.

    So I don't think any of us here will be able to truly empathize with you Varine. But on a smaller and less intense scale of being in dark places before, I can say that talking or writing about it can definitely help. Life sucks when life sucks is a, uh, slogan that I just came up with right now. But that's the way I see it ha. I don't have answers, no one really does. Some people are lucky to have good lives and good things going for them. But that can change for people, so I dunno, just keep on keeping on. And hopefully you'll get a moment of clarity eventually on what to do next.

    I don't know how it is around you, but I get that location and community... suck when they suck. Like I just moved out to LA alone, and even in a huge city like this, I basically have no friends here and know nobody. So I can only imagine how it is in your location...
     
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  14. Accname

    Accname 2D-Graphics enthusiast

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    How can one not make logical decisions? How can somebody make a choice and stick with it against all logical reasons. I could never do that.
     
  15. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    Go get drunk, driving seems like a great idea.
     
  16. seph ir oth

    seph ir oth Mod'n Dat News Jon Staff Member

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    Lol if only it were this simple for everyone.

    Varine, I hope you have successfully remained sober. It can be tough, but the more you do it & the more you explore life without substances, the more you can appreciate it.

    Hope this went well! Not always, but oftentimes family is there for you when you need it. Even if you don't feel like you know them, it's never too late to try and get to :)
     
  17. FireCat

    FireCat Oh Shi.. Don't wake the tiger!

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    Don't ever give up! You might be closer to reaching your goal than you think!!
     
  18. BlowingKush

    BlowingKush I hit the blunt but the blunt hit me.

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    Life is tough. No one has survived it yet.
     
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  19. Varine

    Varine And as the moon rises, we shall prepare for war

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    So, I figured, after a year, I would give something of a vague update. It is still on the first page, unfortunately (remember when this place was hopping? I mean I was banned like every other day for being a douche, but still).

    Anyway, I've been clean since this posting, minus some alcohol and weed, and a short stint with salvia (not the most fun, for the record. I see why they left that one legal, it's not a thing anyone wants to do again).

    Still holding the same job, living in the same place, despite a term in jail and a continuous fight over how terrible of a place it is to work (slowly getting better!). I'm enrolled in school again, though I've dropped the ridiculous math degree I thought I wanted in place of biology and physics. I may have even met a girl, though I remain dubious of whether that is a good idea or not so we'll see if I'm allowed to be as slow as I want to (this time, it's even one that lives not eight hours away! I can walk to her house!).

    I'm starting the process of apologies, as well. It sucks, I don't like it. And, for the record, I'm sorry, everyone, for potentially having been an awful person (looking at you, TH, as I know you're the one that might actually remember/care about it). In fairness to me, I was a terrible fucking person for a long time... that doesn't really help me. So, my point being, to anyone that had to put up with me in previous years, I am very sorry.

    But, I am off to continue to attempt various more personal apologies (no offense, but there are people I physically knew that unfortunately need a more thorough one than you collectively; at the very least, more specific, if I hope to retain a semblance of a relationship with anyone that I cared about in the last few years). I do thoroughly wish to apologize to anyone I may have offended or otherwise acted unacceptably to; I only occasionally meant it, and it was probably political at those times.

    I've learned a lot about myself in the last year or so, and as hard as it's been, and as much as I didn't want to for most of it, I'm glad I made it to here. I'm sure there's some more left, but I, for the first time in forever, have some safety in my own confidence, and am sure that I'm not going to seriously detour from my path to becoming a normal person. Just the other night, I had two drinks and decided that was enough (as opposed to fifteen and the bartender telling me that was enough - that's like 90%, right?).

    Thank you all so much, this forum has been amazingly supportive - even Accname, and especially Christina and TWV - you have no idea how much I appreciate the otherwise anonymous support. Thank you all, so much, for helping me change my life so significantly.
     
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  20. Cheesy

    Cheesy some fucker

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    Beautiful post, Varine. Thanks for sharing.
     

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