My ''own'' bag of jokes

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Crusher

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President Joke

George W. Bush, distraught over his worsening approval rating, was jogging through Washington in search of inspiration. Taking a break upon reaching the Washington Monument, he looks up for guidance and says, “George, you were one of our greatest Presidents, what should I do?”

Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, “Abolish the I.R.S. and start over.”

George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his job and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks “Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over.”

Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”


Elephant Joke:

n elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

An sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"


Removed POEMS because I didn't wrote that,my brother Copyed from net and Now all guys think that I wrote that which Is not true....
 

Kings

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LOL, the Bush joke...:p

Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”
 

Crusher

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Jesus and Satan Maybe an bit extreme but still i ROFL-ED


Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work...

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...


i laughed this about 10 minutes!: )
 

Crusher

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English prisoner:

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.

He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.

He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.

So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.

The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, "Nein, ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"



Missionaries:


Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river."

"They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"


Weird baby:


There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.

The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.

All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."



Hope you like 'em! :)
 

Crusher

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Smart Kid

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."


And now,funny video come!


http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/SloMo_Baby_Laugh/

Rofl,weird baby laugh :D
 

Crusher

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Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 

Crusher

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Again The YO mama jokes! :D


Your mom-1
your mom is so stupid she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!!...



Yo Mama Is So Tall
Yo mama is so tall she did a back-flip and hit Jesus in the face!...





yo mama is so stupid and fat
yo mama is so stupid and fat when she steped on the side walk she made a crack then tried to smoke i...




Yo momma joke
Yo momma so tired of my 'yo momma' jokes, she told me to shuddup!...




yo momma titanic
yo momma so fat she sunk the titanic...




Fat momma
yo momma so fat she had to hire a miner to find her asshole...




Yo mama is so tall
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit Her head on the moon...




Yo mama is so bald
Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn`t help!Yo mama so bald you can see whats on Her mindYo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed...




Yo mama is so hairy
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock...




Yo mama is so dark
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent...






Yo mama is so short
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime...



Yo mama is so nasty
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down...




Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals...




Yo mama is so old
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died...




Yo mama is so dirty
Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater...




Yo mama's head so large
Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts...




Yo mama's house is so dirty
Yo mama house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe Her feet before she goes outside...




Yo mama's teeth are so yellow
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!Yo mama teeth are so yellow she s...



Yo mama's glasses so thick
Yo mama`s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving...
 

duyen

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What's the point of bumping this again?

And where does it say anything about 24 Hours between bumps?
 

Flare

Stops copies me!
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What's the point of bumping this again?

And where does it say anything about 24 Hours between bumps?

He's probably going by WE Help zone bumping rules (I'm sure that rule applies to all forums) but I don't think he read it very carefully
If 24 hours have passed, you were the last one to post, and your question has not been answered, you may bump your thread.

I don't see a question being asked :rolleyes:
 

Knight7770

Hippopotomonstrosesquiped aliophobia
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Yeah, you should stop bumping the thread. Add some jokes; that's what we want to see.;)
 
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