My ''own'' bag of jokes

[Pineapple]

I have no problem with him bumping his thread for now.

Though if you want to post a funny video, best not to do it in a joke thread, less of course, it was a video of joke.

 

[FireCat]

why not sticky the thread and add on the title (My ''own' and your' bag of jokes) Crusher8 not need to Bump it and other can also post jokes if they want it. Bad Idea?

 

[duyen]

He's probably going by WE Help zone bumping rules (I'm sure that rule applies to all forums) but I don't think he read it very carefully

Actually I think sqrage or phyrex told me it didn't. (Might have been some other mod/admin.)

+There's no point in bumping a thread unless you want help or criticism.

 

[Pineapple]

why not sticky the thread and add on the title (My ''own' and your' bag of jokes) Crusher8 not need to Bump it and other can also post jokes if they want it. Bad Idea?

Not a bad idea. But he is the only one really posting jokes. So for now I do not think that it is required. It is the same asking for an official thread as a form. Give us some material, and we might weave something.

Untill then.

 

[FireCat]

Yes its almost only he who post jokes. But why?! because it is hes thread and hes own jokes even the thread title says my "own", he never said other can post. I am sure other do it, if he said other can also post.

well allright was only one idea.

 

[Pineapple]

make your own thread for a joke. You know what the "New Thread" Button is there for, right?

 

[FireCat]

Yes I know lol. But I dont want to have a thread.
If is allright for Crusher8 we can also post some joke it's fine with hes jokes thread.

 

[Pineapple]

Yes I know lol. But I dont want to have a thread.
If is allright for Crusher8 we can also post some joke it's fine with hes jokes thread.

Don't feel like he has a monopoly on jokes. The olny reason he has this thread is that TH noticed him posting a lot of jokes, so TH said he could make a thread for them. If everyone starts posting jokes then an Official Thread is possible.

 

[Crusher]

Lol guys,big lol.You are arguing and talking about posts and other things?Well I bumped my thread because I wanted so that people can see ''WOW Funny movie'',But If you insist not seeing that,well Here some jokes!

Dragging their Feat:

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Here Here,Piggy,Piggy!:

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.

"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"

"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."


Bear on a Rampage:

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

 

[Prometheus]

OOOHHHH MY GOD!
Some friend!

 

[FireCat]

lol..
Post moar! joke Crusher8

 

[Crusher]

Crazy People Talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"



Computer Joke:

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

This one is the most funny in my thread (My opinion):

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.





As for jokes from another people in this thread,I don't mind.You can post joke here,I have nothing against it.

NOTElease post your jokes In spoiler,Because It's much better...

 

[Crusher]

Bump (24 Hours)

 

[Atreyu]

I'll try Pine, I'll get this to the Stick'd Position!
I'm "Not that good in Jowks."

This is a story of a young man who owned a barber shop across the street. He didn't know how to speak English. A tourist came to his store and ask for a cut. He was trying to figure out what to say.. Since he doesn't know English, he said - " Uh.. Hi. " The tourist then replied - "Hello". The barber's really freaked out and said.. "Cut..Cut? Hair?" "Yes, yes.." the tourist replied.

When the barber almost finished cutting his hair... The last part he said... " THIS IS YOUR THE END " ( You're almost finished )

 

[FireCat]

Diver Meets Guy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

 

[Crusher]

This is a story of a young man who owned a barber shop across the street. He didn't know how to speak English. A tourist came to his store and ask for a cut. He was trying to figure out what to say.. Since he doesn't know English, he said - " Uh.. Hi. " The tourist then replied - "Hello". The barber's really freaked out and said.. "Cut..Cut? Hair?" "Yes, yes.." the tourist replied.

When the barber almost finished cutting his hair... The last part he said... " THIS IS YOUR THE END " ( You're almost finished )

Great Joke you got here!:thup:




One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Lol,IMO great!

 

[Crusher]

80th Birthday and Mining Joke!






80th Birthday
On an elderly gentleman's 80th birthday, some of his friends decide they want to do something special for him, so they send a prostitute over to his house to have sex with him.

The prostitute knocks on the door and the 80 year old man answers. The prostitute says, "I'm here to give you super sex."

The old man's hearing isn't quite what it used to be, so he says, "What's that dearie?"

The prostitute speaks a little louder and says, "I said, I am here to give you super sex."

Again the old man asks her to repeat herself.

Very slowly, she yells, "I am here to give you super sex."

The old man finally understands and replies, "Oh, I guess I'll have the soup."





Mining
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine?

A flat minor!

 

[Crusher]

Dirty Jokes

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !

Hope they are nice! (The one next to the last,I made up).

 

[Crusher]

what is better than coming in first at the special olympics?
NOT being retarded
------------------
what the same between a retard and a slinky?
both are useless but you can still laugh as they tumble down the stairs
------------------
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!
----------------
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
---------------------
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
---------------
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
-----------------------------
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
---------------------------
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
-------------------------
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
----------------------
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
---------------------

Hope you like them! :thup:

 

[Crusher]

More Jokes!

Just a couple of Beers!


A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks.

But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers ? That's a laugh," she replied.

"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."


Life and a Can of Beer!


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar ........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an animous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,"he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers.


Gateway:Why east indians Work in Tech Support

One day Gateway conducted a call out meeting for the best computer geeks around. The employers went to a deli, a vegan restaurant, and an Indian restaurant scouting for people using computers. They found a handful of adept people in each place and brought them to Gateway headquarters.

Have you ever wonder?

Why do men pay more for car insurance than women? Because women don't get blow jobs!


Security Sign on Car
"Don't steal, the government doesn't like competition."

The Pope's New Camera

member of the paparazzi is looking in the window of the Pope
one morning and snaps a picture of him masturbating. As the
flash goes off, the Pope sees him and runs after him.

The Pope catches up to the guy and tells him that he can't sell
that picture. The guy explains to the Pope this is how he makes
his living. The Pope suggests a solution, telling him to sell
the camera to him with the film still in it for the sum of five
thousand dollars. The photographer agrees.

The Pope, relaxed that his problem is solved, walks back to his
room with the camera around his neck. On the way back he crosses
paths with two cardinals. They remark about his new camera and
one of them asked him how much he paid for it. The Pope replies
five thousands dollars and the two cardinals and the Pope go on
their way. When out of earshot from the Pope, one of the
cardinals says to the other, "Whoever sold the Pope that camera
had to see him coming."

Hope you like them!