My ''own'' bag of jokes

[Lobster]

some doctor puns

nurse: this patient think's hes a deck of cards
doctor: tell him I ill deal with him later

nurse: doctor, the patient thinks he a dead lightbulb
doctor: Ill screw with him later

Nurse: doctor. this patient think's hes invisible
Doctor: I can't see him right now.

 

[Crusher]

Any comment lol? xD

 

[Crusher]

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.



Q: What did one English book say to the math book?
A: You have way too many problems



Three guys from Jersey drove into the same Manhattan office each day via the Lincoln Tunnel. With gas prices rising, they decided to commute together, each one taking a turn driving in. One of them had to drop out though, because his eyes were bothering him. The optometrist told him he had developed carpool tunnel vision.

 

[Lobster]

Three guys from Jersey drove into the same Manhattan office each day via the Lincoln Tunnel. With gas prices rising, they decided to commute together, each one taking a turn driving in. One of them had to drop out though, because his eyes were bothering him. The optometrist told him he had developed carpool tunnel vision.

lolz

 

[Crusher]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.



TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.



Jokes:


God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
-----------------------------------------
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"
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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
---------------------------------------------------
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
---------------------------------------------
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
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Q. What kind of meat does the pope eat?

A. Nun.


-----------------------------
Q. What was the First Commandment?

A. "Adam, eat my pussy."
---------------------------



Academic Talk:

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" = once.

"In case after case" = twice.

"In a series of cases" = thrice.

"It is believed that" = I think.

"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"= They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.




Pleasing IT

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
---------------------------
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
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03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
-----------------------
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
---------------------------
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
------------------------
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
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07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
--------------------------
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
----------------------
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
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10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
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11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
-------------

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
------------------------
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
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14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
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15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

--------
Resume Reality:

KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
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I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
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I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
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I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
------------------------
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
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I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
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I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
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I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
----------------
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
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I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
------------
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
-----------
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
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I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
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I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
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I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
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I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
--------------------------------
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
-------------------------------
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
----------------------------
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.



Some of The Gnome Jokes are Coming Now!

When is a Gnome not a Gnome?

When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress he's a Goblin!
------------------
A gnome who joined a nudist colony only two weeks ago was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody’s business.
-------------------
Gnome Warrior:"But i downed dragons, defeated powerful foes, killed a lot of hordes,I am exalted with the entire Alliance faction and reckoned as the Hand of A'dal any many more. And you tell me, you will not let me in?"
Human:"Sorry dude, but you are too short to ride the roller coaster."
-----------------
What's gnome's favourite film?
Gnome Like It Hot
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What's gnome's favourite book?
Little Gnomen
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Join the gnomes - help fight in the crusade!!!
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this gnome with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.' Sure enough the gnome turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the gnome replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the gnome says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the gnome and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v@\'a3$&a, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The gnome shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'
------------------



AND NOW FOR LAST JOKE OR VIDEO,WATCH THIS!
The pool of AWSOME XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOiT-B9w5Kk

The Video Of Deckard Cain Prank Calls!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1hF2E1-Inw




Short jokes:
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.



hope you like these Finds,I made up one,doesn't matter what joke.
I posted so many jokes because In next few days I wont be able to Get on my Pc (MY precious Th ).

See you soon guys,and rate or post comment,anything! :thup:

 

[quraji]

Poems!!!

This is one poem which i made up my self!Hope you like it!Leave comments as well.

Spoiler

     Picard:    Sigma Indri, that's the star,
                So Data, please, how far?  How far?

     Data:      Our ship can get there very fast
                But still the trip will last and last
                We'll have two days til we arrive
                But can the Indrans there survive?

     Picard:    LaForge, please give us factor nine.

     LaForge:   But sir, the engines are offline!

     Picard:    Offline:  But why?  I want to go!
                Please make it so, please make it so!

     Riker:     But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
                We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
                The danger here is far too great!

     Picard:    But surely we must not be late!

     Troi:      I'm sensing anger and great ire.

     Computer:  Alert!  Alert!  The ship's on fire!

     Picard:    The ship's on fire?  How could this be?
                Who lit the fire?

     Riker:     Not me.

     Worf:      Not me.

     Picard:    Computer, how long til we die?

     Computer:  Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

     Data:      May I suggest a course to take?
                We could, I think, quite safely make
                Extinguishers from tractor beams
                And stop the fire, or so it seems...

     Geordi:    Hurray!  Hurray!  You've saved the day!
                Again I say, Hurray!  Hurray!

     Picard:    Mr. Data, thank you much.
                You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

     Troi:      We still must save the Indran planet --

     Data:      Which (by the way) is made of granite...

     Picard:    Enough, you android.  Please desist.
                We understand -- we get your gist.
                But can we get our ship to go?
                Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

     Geordi:    There's sabotage among the wires
                And that's what started all the fires.

     Troi:      We have a saboteur?  Oh, no!
                We need to go!  We need to go!

     Riker:     We must seek out the traitor spy
                And lock him up and ask him, "Why?"

     Worf:      Ask him why?  How sentimental.
                I say give him problems dental.

     Troi:      Are any Romulan ships around?
                Have scanners said that they've been found?
                Or is it Borg or some new threat
                We haven't even heard of yet?
                I sense no malice in this crew.
                Now what are we supposed to do?

     Crusher:   Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
                They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
                I can't just sit and let them die!
                A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

     Picard:    Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

     Crusher:   They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

     *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
     HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

     Worf:      The saboteur is in the brig.
                He's very strong and very big.
                I had my fazer set on stun.
                A zzzip!  A zzzap!  Another one!
                He would not budge, he would not fall,
                He would not stun, no, not at all!
                He changed into a stranger form
                All soft and purple, round and warm.

     Picard:    Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
                Did you see this creature morph?

     Worf:      I did and then I beat him fairly.
                Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

     Riker:     My commendations, Klingon friend!
                 Our troubles now are at an end!

     Crusher:   Now let's get our ship to fly
                And orbit yonder Indran sky!

     Picard:    LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

     Geordi:    Yes, sir, we can.

     Picard:    Then make it so!

http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.sttng.html

Plagiarism?

Lame dude, lame. :thdown:

 

[Seb!]

How do you know that he isn't David Fuller?

EDIT --

Seriously, though, this makes me mad. Did you report it?

 

[Crusher]

Hope that I can explain that...But I don't think you will trust me

Still,my brother (which is a bit stupid) was on My pc,and I told him to put my Own Poem not to copy it,I guess he noticed that my poem is so bad so he decided to copy from net....This is really weird,because he deleted my poem and Now I have no proofs to show you mine because he deleted them...And he claimed that Poems as it's own(my brother which has 11 years, -_-)

So I will just delete that post where is not my Poem...

Sorry once again..

In future,I will not let anyone to get Close to my Pc about 3 meters,Because now I can get close thread or report or - rep or something else ......

 

[quraji]

This is really weird,because he deleted my poem and Now I have no proofs to show you mine because he deleted them...And he claimed that Poems as it's own(my brother which has 11 years, -_-)

Everyone seems to have a tampering little brother when it's convenient...

Just make sure you give credit where credit is due.

 

[Crusher]

Everyone seems to have a tampering little brother when it's convenient...

Just make sure you give credit where credit is due.

Of course,but I removed them because If I want poem, I will do one my self...

Sorry for my Brother,he Is always Hyperactive xD (nOOb)


Edit:Still,Did you like the other jokes,like Pool Of awesome xD OR some gnome jokes?

 

[Crusher]

Chuck NORRIS jokes Dude,



Chuck Norris tiers Can remove Cancer.Too bad that Chuck Himself did never cry.


Chuck Norris doesn't sleep.He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't go in Hunt because the word ''Hunt'' means chance of not to success,Chuck Norris goes to kill.

Chuck Norris was counting to countless- Twice

Chuck Norris Has been on Mars,so that's why there is no sign of life.

If you see Chuck Norris,he sees you.If you don't see Chuck Norris,maybe some time splits you from death.

Chuck Norris has reported NBC,telling them that Law and Peace are authorized names of his legs.

They once Created Chuck Norris toiled paper,but the paper didn't allowed anyone to shit on him.

Ahilej Is the most Powerful fighter and Warrior in whole World,but he dies because of his weak spot,Ahile's Feet.Chuck Norris doesn't have feet or weak spot.

Chuck Norris has an word which calls an person and then it puts it in Coma.That word is ''Lucky''

The Main export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

When Chuck Norris fulfil it's impost report,he sends empty formulars and it's picture of it self in battle stance.Chuck Norris did not need to pay Imposition.

Chuck Norris doesn't carry watch.He decides time.

The fastest waye to Human Hearth is Chuck Norris fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't take an Shower.He Takes a shower In Blood.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves

Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.


Hope you like them :!

 

[Pineapple]

This threads just becoming a mess and an eye sore to read through.

There is an entire humour zone to post jokes in, and thats for everyone!

Untill further notice this thread will be locked.