Paradise

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Chapter 8 - Sandra - has arrived.

Though much more emotional and more centered on Malcolm than a lot of other chapters, I tried progressing his torment and furthering his downward spiral, while introducing bits and pieces of his past.

What a big scar this beast can bring.

-------------------------------------

And Hala, I'm not too sure that would work with this, mainly because I plan on introducing 'paradise' about halfway through the story. It's a complete mystery to all the characters at this point, (Malcolm doesn't know it's real) and I've chosen to keep it secret until the time is right.

If you're wondering what to see in the near future, a few of the next chapters focus more on outside characters working at E.N.A.X., or other important characters. Then you'll see the final straw that broke the camel's back, and then...well you'll just have to wait and see. :D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
alright its starting to make more sense. Just your writing style differs from mine I think... but taht was a really great chapter! One thing i noticed was all of a sudden he was in his mind (barren red wasteland) to the ship with Kace and Jean, try to make it more prenounced that he came out of his mind into reality maybe. Just a thought. Great chapter though.
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Paradise - A Prelude to Disaster - World War III

The final breakthrough in what could be considered the largest technological advancement in all of mankind has been completed - Antimatter. And the whole world is ready to acquire what could be the single most important tool to ruling all the others.

--------------------

The prologue of the prequel to the entire Paradise trilogy is done. :D Here you go.

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A Prelude to Disaster​

“2104, November 15th.

Today...a day of days. I couldn’t have begun to comprehend a time like this, living with my family, with war at what seemed to be miles away. CERN. ATHENA. Names like this, I would’ve never second guessed, even if they’ve been around for hundreds of years...until now.

Antimatter was never something I had on my mind, never was table talk. When I sat around the table with my family, I never discussed how devastating one could be, or how close we were to war. Now it’s plastered all over the news, the faces of the “fathers” of Antimatter bombs. Greasefucks not concerned with the “clean, radiation-free explosions,” it would create, just the billions of dollars it would rake in.

From the minute I joined the army...I promised to myself, I would protect my country. My family. My wife, my son...Malcolm, Malcolm Warner Xavia. I promised you I’d never let any harm come to you. Now, all I see, is you all grown up, battle hardened in a war that’s not your own, too thick to bleed. How I don’t want that to happen...Heh, and I’ve always imagined you as a scientist, making some big discovery. You're not even born and I still ponder your future...A future that I hope won't grow dim when the bombs of war set it ablaze.

We were always taught in school to honor our forefathers and soldiers that died before us. World War II, brutal in every sense of the word, turned into an educational, emotionless writeup after the rest of the veterans died off. Once you take out the human element, is history nothing but text that we're inevitably destined to repeat? If none learn about the horrors of war, what's going to stop the bloodthirsty politicians from plunging us right back into it once that next big money-making oppurtunity arises?

...What are soldiers but tools of the politicians that lead them into the very thing we've tried so hard not to repeat?”
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Great! Maybe explain more about Antimatter bombs, although I'm guessing it has to do with a black hole-such technology.
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Antimatter will be explained near the beginning of the book, this was just an opening.

But, if you're wondering what it is -

-----------------

Antimatter is basically the opposite of matter. It only shows up very briefly on Earth through nuclear decay and what have you. Basically, when a particle and its antiparticle counterpart pair up, they let out the force of the two combined particles - Which is usually very huge.

It basically means that if were able to harness antimatter and create antihydrogen bombs, it could create a force strong enough to devastate the entire Earth. In smaller quantities, it can do more damage than nuclear bombs, with no radiation afterwards. (A lot of blown up area can't be inhabitated because of radiation)

Currently, we can make antimatter particles, in VERY small quantities, and even in the smallest, we don't have the technology to actually harness (Or control it, for that matter)

More info - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antimatter
(No physics discussions please)
---------------

Anyways, its just a teaser prologue for now. It's basically a diary entry from Malcolm's father, but that's all I'm going to say.
 

sqrage

Moderator
Staff member
Grammar error which I will bring up for no apparent reason, "it's" should be its in the introduction.
it's = it is
its = possessive
And I'm loving the writing, :]
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Here we go.

Chapters 1-7 have been updated, many changed drastically. The writing and dialogue has been improved, and many have grown by a page or two in length.

This will be the last update of earlier chapters before I take them off to make room for chapter 9 and up. Chapter 1 will stay, and anyone who hasn't read earlier chapters or missed the updates, please contact me and I will send them to you.

This won't be the last update of previous chapters, and I'll announce when I go back and revise them once more, so if I do, please feel free to contact me about them.

Also, please note that you may want to go back and read chapter 6 once more. A key part has been added, explaining the background of the I.S.O., which will become important in chapter 9.

Thanks to everybody who's been keeping up with the book, and please feel free to leave feedback, I always love it. :) Also, if you ever see any grammar mistakes or something sounds off, please let me know.

-----------------------------------

Grammar error which I will bring up for no apparent reason, "it's" should be its in the introduction.
it's = it is
its = possessive
And I'm loving the writing, :]
Thanks. :p I always get those two mixed up, and usually forget about them. If you see any more, please let me know. =]
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Guess what?

Chapter 9 is done. :) I've uploaded it now, and have removed chapters 2-8. If you wish to view these updated chapters, please let me know.

-------------

Chapter 9 introduces two key characters - Dr. Alexander E. Silhoun and Vincent of the ISO. It also delves further into the report introduced in chapter 6, and thickens the pot further. It's still a pretty big mystery up to this point, but will become deeper and more important later on.

Anyways, please enjoy the chapter, and let me know what you think about the dialogue. The beginning dialogue is kind of weak, but I want opinions on Vincent's dialogue mostly, as it's very deft, somewhat side-stepping and interrogative in its approach.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Really nice and smooth. Probably your best yet, especially cause theres much more substance of reality in there. Just really great. Pretty short, but still. Didn't see any grammar or spelling... lol so basically this is a compliment post...

(P.S. How you like my new Avatar? Made it from scratch in The Gimp)
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Thanks. :) I also think it played out very well, I'm trying to stay closer to reality and less from the metaphorical dream worlds of Malcolm and the beast.

Though the next chapter is pretty long and the first half is completely disconnected from reality, the next ones should continue the story with a more real touch.
 

2-P

I will work hard tomorrow
Could you upload the previous chapters again please? I missed the updated versions. =O
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Thats good. I understood a long time ago how mad Malcolm was.
How do you like my avatar?
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Thats good. I understood a long time ago how mad Malcolm was.
How do you like my avatar?
Yeah, Malcolm suffered enough at this point. xD I'm very lose to elevating it, but that won't be for a bit. I'm trying now to progress the story a bit further, instead of just giving backdrops and dreams and such.

And your new avatars pretty cool if I do say so myself.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Thx. Made it from scratch in Gimp.
But ya, advance the story more and it'll be perfect.
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
Sorry guys, my hiatus is over now. It's been a while since I released a new chapter, but I've got something in the works right now. Here's a little preview.

Chapter 10 - The Path to a Neverending Tomorrow

“Cry 'Havoc' and let slip the dogs of war!”

Thousands of men, horses, and steel tore through the countryside, treading over the hill in a sea of strength and glory. Men marched on, crying out in vengeance and blood lust as their horses trampled over the grass, destroying all that got in their way. The peaceful, deep blue sky was now filled with the cries of its soon-to-be victims.

The thousands turned into millions as the deceptive hills revealed even more marching on. They carried spears, bows, swords, shields, whatever they were given to ride into battle with. And what a glorious battle it would be.

The beautiful grassland paradise was now victim of a world thirsting for blood. The red shirts of the soldiers painted the scene a bloody color as the sea of men marched onwards. Generals and flag carriers sat upon the hilltops and watched over their illustrious army, soon to join them.

“This shall be a day of days.”
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
written well, don't do the three dots at the end, it sounds better without the pause.
Your writing in a suspenseful way, so as long as you keep it short, its good. I'm guessing thats just like a beginning section in the chapter in italics and then it goes to the storyline? I'm guessing its a flashback or memory, probably Malcolm's.

"and watched over their glorious army, soon to join them."

change that to something else, it sounds to repetitive because of glorious used in "And what a glorious battle it would be."
lol here are some
august, beautiful, bright, brilliant, celebrated, dazzling, delightful, distinguished, effulgent, elevated, eminent, enjoyable, esteemed, exalted, excellent, famed, famous, fine, gorgeous, grand, gratifying, great, heavenly, heroic, honored, illustrious, immortal, magnificent, majestic, marvelous, memorable, noble, notable, noted, pleasurable, preeminent, radiant, remarkable, renowned, resplendent, shining, splendid, sublime, superb, time-honored, triumphant, venerable, well-known, wonderful

but its good.

(And you still haven't read the second chapter of Remembrance [I don't think its as good as the other two, but idk, I need another opinion)
(if you did read, could you comment?)
 
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