Paradise

[XXXconanXXX]

I decided to post this here once I gained some ground with it, having a more stable release of chapters and more of them.

It's a chapter story, inspired by things like System Shock and BioShock. Chapters are somewhat short, but there will be alot of them.

The Summary:

In the year 2151, E.N.A.X., the last ecological and political government superpower in the world, is on the brink of an economical collapse. In a desperate attempt to increase revenues and rebuild it's shattered structures, the company sends out a team of researchers to plunge into the bottom of the ocean, the last mystery of the world. What they find will not only break the boundaries between this world and the next, but also send the world into a World War IV, the world vying for control over the paradise beneath the ocean. What they do not know, however, is that a paradise is not always as it seems, and the death it releases threatens all of humanity, while the bloodthirsty beaurocrats plunge deeper into it's secrets...
---------------------

"You know...
Death's bells could be tolled
The blade kissing at their throats;
It's surprising how well one's body floats..."

Perhaps it's one man's war within, or the stifling glow of the creature's eyes staring into his soul, but one thing is for certain: In 2150, the last paradise is paradise itself.

Copyright© 2006 XXXconanXXX

 

[mase]

Read the first one and it is pretty good.
Its really detailed too, I was picturing scenes of the story
Now on to the next two!

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Thanks for the comment. I tried to go for a slower pacing and detail it much more, which I think came out better.

Anyways, I uploaded Chapter 4: Staring Into Insanity. Let me know what you think.

 

[Halahan]

I've only read the summary, but I like the story concept and Idea. It has an odd resemblance to our own with the economy and vying for paradise, though I'm surprised that they hadn't explored the ocean so later in the future. Possibly set the date earlier, but I doubt many people would notice unless they meant to constructively criticize the story.

 

[Stinman]

That sounds pretty interresting, i only had time to read the summary but i liked wut i read. I might take some time to read the whole story.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Thanks for all the comments guys.

Anyways, a big update:

I updated Chapter 1, going into more detail and cutting off the second half.

Chapter 2 remains unchanged, with just a few minor grammar mistakes fixed.

Chapter 3 is now 'A Guise In It's Eyes', which is the second half of chapter 1 with more detail, and told better.

Chapter 4, Before the Dawn of Man, has a few new changes to make it flow better, but remains the same story wise.

And now, Chapter 5, Staring Into Insanity, the newest chapter, is now available for download.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

I proudly present Chapter 6 - Strings, Kings, and Diamond Rings.

It's pretty lengthy, and there is a line in the middle of the chapter to denounce a new page. Be aware this is a rough draft, so some things might sound off, and there might be grammar mistakes as well.

I admit I'm proud of this chapter. It's very very cryptic in it's entire message, and I think people following it will enjoy the last two lines of the chapter.

 

[2-P]

Hm yeah, some things in chapter 6 are haxxed indeed.

"Unfortunately, Patient A died of undisclosed reasons on June 20th, 2151"

"Patient B's reported HDSI can be traced back to right after Patient A's death, June 12th, 2151."

But overall a good chapter. ^^


IMO you could have made a more detailed description of the city in chapter 2.

Gripping story. And now write the next chapter... which will be about penguins.

 

[Halo_king116]

I know I have said this many time, but as always I admire your skill in writing, for your age. I like this story, Paradise, the most. I have read only the first 4 chapters as I never was notified that the 5 or 6th was out, but now that I know of this thread I will be sure to keep updated on this awesome story.

Good luck with this, and after school, before out Taylor-a-thon we have planned, I will read all the chapters over again, to look at the changes.


Have a nice day

 

[Halahan]

I just read it, it's very good, a lot of detail in the characters, though maybe add more background/history. It might 'juice' up the story more. There was also a sentence that went something like.

"Having not known him personally, I can not disclose his personality, which is very personal." (It's not like that, but its the three personal- words that grabbed me. I think you should keep it, It's kind of funny, but I just thought you'd like to know.)

Also, In the Clinic Report or in that chapter It never says if Malcom (I think that's how you spell it) is patient B or C, so it gets a little confusing there, unless you want that kind of mystery. It's more frustrating then mysterious to me though.

So to sum up (lol), Very good story!

 

[XXXconanXXX]

I just read it, it's very good, a lot of detail in the characters, though maybe add more background/history. It might 'juice' up the story more. There was also a sentence that went something like.


"Having not known him personally, I can not disclose his personality, which is very personal." (It's not like that, but its the three personal- words that grabbed me. I think you should keep it, It's kind of funny, but I just thought you'd like to know.)

Thanks for the feedback. The background and history of the characters/events will be explained soon, and I plan to in a lot of detail.

Also, thanks a lot for pointing that out, I wrote it like that for a reason, but going back and reading it (Something I skipped) I noticed that it does sound a bit off.

Also, In the Clinic Report or in that chapter It never says if Malcom (I think that's how you spell it) is patient B or C, so it gets a little confusing there, unless you want that kind of mystery. It's more frustrating then mysterious to me though.

So to sum up (lol), Very good story!

Ah, maybe I need to clarify then. Patient B and Patient C are never really disclosed, just workers that had come over a case of "insanity" and had been compiled in a report together, seeing as all three cases are similar. The three main characters' ship hasn't had any psychical contact with anyone, so it would be really hard to get Malcolm in a clinic.

Maybe I need to clarify that within the story, as it might seem confusing.

Anyways, thanks a bunch for the feedback! I always love it.

Hm yeah, some things in chapter 6 are haxxed indeed.

"Unfortunately, Patient A died of undisclosed reasons on June 20th, 2151"

"Patient B's reported HDSI can be traced back to right after Patient A's death, June 12th, 2151."

But overall a good chapter. ^^


IMO you could have made a more detailed description of the city in chapter 2.

Gripping story. And now write the next chapter... which will be about penguins.

Thanks alot for pointing that out. A few people, have pointed it out, and if they hadn't, I wouldn't of changed it. xD (I suck at dates)

Anyways, thanks a bunch for the feedback! I always love it, and it's very appreciated.

 

[Halahan]

No problem.
Your lucky, no one comments on MY story. (Snivvle snivvle)
(The Elite)
lol anyways keep cranking out those chapters.

 

[R@d14nc3]

Very nice one indeed
Keep it up and update
It will become a best-seller, oh yeah xD

 

[R@d14nc3]

bump on this beautiful work of art.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Uploaded chapter 8: Enter Into.

Somewhat short, as it's only 3 pages long. I'll be adding onto it soon.

You might notice a new writing style (Which, ironically, is my original) to kind of bring a bit more interest to the somewhat unopinionated, omniscient narrative. It might lighten up a bit, but I plan to go back and revise all earlier chapters with this style.

Also, chapters from here on out will be a lot longer, the next one being 4 pages and counting.

Anyways, thanks to all who have been keeping up on the story, and comments/feedback is always appreciated.

 

[Halahan]

Great, although try to add a bit more structure to that chapter, got kinda confusing. Very good though.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Don't fret, for anyone who's wondering, I'm still working on this. New chapter should be up soon. I've also been reading through previous chapters and realized how short they were, so I'm going to revise them to make them longer.

 

[Halahan]

another thought, in the summary you told about a paradise found, is it deep under the ocean? anyway, In what you've written so far, no mention of it or anything, just a huge beast and Malcolm being insane because of it. Could you clarify maybe, or foreshadow more in the story about the paradise?

Note: After I gain a bit more ground with it(finish first chapter) i'm going to post a new story ("Remembrance" [hopefully not copyright]) so look foward to it!

 

[XXXconanXXX]

The first 1/3 of the book or so is building it up. Introducing some top players in ENAX, it's history, and the development of the three main characters. Though Jean and Kace take somewhat of a backseat for now, once Malcolm hits rock bottom, things will be revealed.

And, I've dropped quite a few hints about paradise. Malcolm's had three visions of it, and even though it may seem like it's just some random jungle under the ocean, there's a reason it's there, and quite a big backstory to ENAX.

 

[Halahan]

true I remember those but doesn't he have visions of them when hes on solid ground and is insane, so it doesnt seem like that much of a hint. I'm not sure how the paradise is, (air pocket, water adapted or such) but something I might put would be:

"WATCH OUT!" Jeane yelled, grabbing the steering wheel in front of Malcolms paralized body and veering to the left. A monster, nearly the size it seemed of (name of capital city of ENAX or something), but somethign else caught her eye. On a cliff, on the right of the monsters Ginormous face, a tree..."