Pirates

F

freebird

Guest
Hey you guys I like to write about movies that I saw. I have 2 parts of about 10 written. I bet no one can guess what movie it is lol :p.
Chapter one: Port Royal
The names Jack Sparrow I have an aim
It’s one of revenge and personal gain
Revenge to Barbosa who left me to die
And gain for a treasure I’m determined to find

To see success I know what I must do:
Find a ship and gather a crew
Sailors are willing where treasures involved
But how to steal a ship is yet to be solved

Secrecy is something that must be maintained
But I have to land soon; bailing my boat is a pain
I’m nearing an island; it appears to be a fort
And just my luck there is ships of all sorts

My ship must be large to accommodate a crew
Yet be the fastest in the water, only the best will do
I’ve stopped bailing now because I’m very near the dock
I climb my mast and as I pass peoples eyes grow wide with shock

I hop on the pier and walk along the sand
But before I get far I am stopped by a man
He tells me my business I need to report
I ask him what’s taking place at the fort

He says a man’s being made a captain
I then ask him how he didn’t happen
To merit an invitation to the occasion
He says to protect the ships from invasion

Not pressing the matter I ask which ship is the most fast
He says in speed the dauntless has never been outclassed
I tell him the black pearl would pass her at a crawl
He tells me it’s not a real ship at all

At this time his partner who has yet to say a word
Begins to tell of stories that he’s heard
They begin to argue as I board a ship
When they notice where I have gone they draw their guns real quick

They tell me I must leave right away and ask me for my name
I tell them it is Mr. Smith and I have but one aim
To steal a ship and plunder this isle
To the truth of my aims they seemed in denial

Suddenly from a tower we hear a scream and see a girl fall
I look out but no one makes any move at all
I ask the two soldiers if they are going to get in
They quickly tell me they haven’t learned to swim

Taking off my effects I hand them to the men
Then I dive in the water and begin to swim
Toward the place that I believe her to be
And soon I find her at the bottom of the sea

Grabbing her waist I try to rise
But her dress slows us down so I thought it wise
To take it off, having done so we soon broke the water
I hoisted her up to the two men who caught her

She was not breathing and her face was white
The problem being her corset was too tight
I cut it off soon she began to cough and then began to breath
By this time men had gathered round, and all were looking at me

What looked like her father helped her up and then told some men to shoot me
His daughter having gathered her surroundings soon began to plea
Father you want to kill my rescuer, to this I must attest
No, your right said the father, but at the time I thought it best

I believe thanks are in order the commodore coldly said
He reached out his hand pretending to shake but pulled up my sleeve instead
He said I am jack sparrow, a pirate, and I brought shame to my trade with my hue
But at least you’ve heard of me I said I’ve never once heard of you

Men clapped me in irons, they thought I would go
But I put my band around the girl’s neck, and one man yelled no
They said I was to let her loose I said if you let me leave
I told them to give me my effects yet how to escape I’d not quite conceived

The crew gave them to the girl who put them roughly on me
Then I spun her around and put my gun to her head for all the men to see
Gents I said, to do all this for a lady you must be real good fellows
Be that as it may I have no intention to stay I’m afraid I have to go
So all of you will remember the day you almost caught jack sparrow!
Chapter two: The Blacksmith
I drew my chains off her neck then pushed her toward the crew
Then grabbed a rope and released a weight and up the pole I flew
Shots flew past my person as I twisted and ducked and flailed
And so to save my life I flung my body against a sail

I slid down very clumsily and landed on a mast
The shots were coming left and right I needed to do something fast
Using my chains as a cord I secured them to a rope
Then kicked off the rigging and flew down the tie as the air grew thick with smoke

I landed on an over pass then quickly began running
I didn’t need to think twice about this because I could hear them coming
I couldn’t run for very long because when I run I waddle
So I hid in the first place I could find, behind a blacksmith model

Soon I heard the guards coming then I saw them go
What I was to do next and where to hide I really didn’t know
I knew I had to cut my chains if I was to get out alive
So I walked up to the blacksmiths door and warily went inside

It was a roomy place with a mule in the corner and a fat man in a chair
I approached the man and tried to scare him, but he was unaware
I then go over to the tools to try and break my chains
Though several minutes later I show nothing for my pains

In despair I gaze at the donkey and see it’s harnessed to a mill
I think I may have found a way to free my movement still
I get an iron, place it in the fire and wait till it’s real hot
I need to make him move real fast it’s the only choice I got

The donkey moves, the pegs connect, my chains are broke, I’m free
But soon I hear the door creak open, the guards must be looking for me
I run behind some barrels, and there I stop and hide
When a lone, unarmed boy comes cross the room from the other side

I wait till his backs turned then from my hiding place I start
I cross the room get him to turn and put my blade up to his heart
He says you’re that pirate there looking for, I cannot let you pass
I say without a suitable weapon your ambition will not last

He quickly turns and grabs a sword and thrusts it in my face
I am a little surprised by this bold choice but I take the move in pace
I ask him do you think it wise to cross blades with a pirate
He says you tried to hurt miss swan and you will pay or die for it

I thrust out and quickly find that he is fast and able
He forces me on to a cart that’s not entirely stable
I get him tangled in some ropes he nimbly climbs upward, hardly trying
He cuts a rope something heavy falls; it hits the other end and upward I go flying

We fight on the beams till we are both knocked off, he arises in a daze
Then I take a hose of sand, cut it, and spray it in his face
He covers his eyes to his own demise I knock his sword from his hand
I pull out my gun, I really must go, and I’ve had all the delays I can stand

He says something about “its not fair” while I head to the door
He throws a sword which bars it shut, I pull out my gun as before
I say you must move or I’ll kill you you’ve tried your best, now scat
He says no, I won’t let you go, and then everything fades to black.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
Bravo! For writing, that is. I love PotC! :thup:

The only thing I would suggest is fixing some grammar mistakes such as your capitilization for names and such.

This read has a simple yet working rhyme scheme; good job! Can't wait for more!
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
I liked it too. It was done very well, but I think you should really work on the rhythmic patterns, and try to make your phases seem more a live at some points with spicier words.
I think you did very well for a first post, and I'd like to see more of these poetic stories.
 
F

freebird

Guest
- I think you should really work on the rhythmic patterns
Can you give me an example cause I don't really know what you mean
- more a live at some points with spicier words
Like action verbs? Or something totally different?
-Thanks for feedback:D
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
- I think you should really work on the rhythmic patterns
Can you give me an example cause I don't really know what you mean
- more a live at some points with spicier words
Like action verbs? Or something totally different?
-Thanks for feedback:D

"Suddenly from a tower we hear a scream and see a girl fall
I look out but no one makes any move at all
I ask the two soldiers if they are going to get in
They quickly tell me they haven’t learned to swim"

The flow to the poem was ruined by the word and in the first phrase. You could work with this "paragraph" to make it flow more smoothly.
(I'm sorry, I worded my feedback strangely.)
You could replace your old-boring-words with different terms with a thesaurus. I dunno if I've ever heard of action verbs, active maybe, action... I dunno.
 
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