Planeswalkers

Arcane

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A little something that grew from a private Roleplay, I have a few major events in mind, and the major plot, but otherwise, I'm making it up as I go. This means anything can change, any time.


Give me some feedback please.




Further updates will always be attached to this first post.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
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Draws attention quickly and builds suspense. Great detail, great imagination, great story. -The New York Times







lol, anyway i can't wait to read more,
the only thing i'm dissapointed about is the Leia character. I thought youd make her hotter, from what i read, shes ugly

:p
 

Arcane

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Updated in the first post. I finished the fight and altered some earlier paragraphs.

@hortononon: (Man that name is hard to spell, so many "on"s) Thanks for the reply, but I would like to know how you got the impression that Leia was ugly. I haven't put much description in about her yet have I?
 

Pyrogasm

There are some who would use any excuse to ban me.
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I got a very Artemis Fowl-esque vibe from the story, but I suppose that's ok. Have you read any Artemis Fowl books? You used very similar words ("Shielded" in particular) and a vastly similar concept of how beings from dimensions may enter other dimensions (The "levels" are the main part here).

I really don't think that you embellished the description of the knives and throwing disks enough. You talk about how a Voidwalker on level 5 is a terrible thing, yet Alexander is able to wipe it out with 2 disks. Shouldn't they at least be "magic" disks or something? I don't see how your ordinary, everyday knife would even come close to being capable of killing a voidwalker.

You seem to imply that Leia and her compatriots are not humans or at least not normal ones. Are they humans, possibly elves, or something else entirely?
 

Arcane

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I have read the Artemis Fowl series, but this story wasn't inspired by Artemis Fowl, it was inspired by the Bartimaeus Triology, don't know if anybody has ever heard of it. That's where the concept of the planes of existence came from.

The discs and the knives are regular enough, but thrown with inhuman strength, and possibly charged with planar energy? I don't know, I won't elaborate, but I could give you tons of explanations if you really, really wanted it. They didn't kill the Voidwalker by the way.

They are humans, just different. Doesn't the title suggest something to you?
 

Pyrogasm

There are some who would use any excuse to ban me.
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Yes, it does suggest something to me.
I have read the first 2 books in the Bartimaeus Trilogy (The Amulet of Samarkand and The Golem's Eye, and yes I can see the inspiration now.

I thought he killed the voidwalker, actually:
You said:
t reached out with one hand and began to move towards them, but then stopped halfway. It was dissolving, dissolving into black smoke and shadows and being blown away by the wind. The last things to go were its vengeful eyes.
Maybe I just read things a bit too literally; the phrase "the last things to go" suggests to me that it died.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
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Eh, the whole thing seemed just too... ehish. I just made that word up. :)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
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Bartimeus Trilogy, Rock on! :D

But anyone read The Wheel of Time series?
 

Arcane

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Nope. Somehow the covers discourage me.

Anyways, update again. Man I'm writing way faster this time. Speed writing though, so it's pretty rough.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
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Are you kidding me? The Covers are awesome. Read the first book and then you'll want to read all the others, guaranteed.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
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I read up until the voidwalker was defeated, but I wasn't satisfied enough to go on. I thought the feel of the story was alright, with how the characters acted and interacted with the world around them and what not. The battle was rather anti-climactic, seeing as how no one was hurt and because of how easily the voidwalker was defeated. I think it would be wise to rework that battle, unless voidwalkers from Plane 5 are regular occurences that can be dispatched with little to no effort. I don't know, though, it seems like an interesting concept that coudl develop well if you do it right, so my only advice is to try your best to do some pre-writing in your free time so the plot won't end up going haywire later on. Good luck, and keep writing.
 

Arcane

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I thought so. I decided last night that I would redo the fight scene already, so no need to worry. And yeah, I try to keep a few steps ahead of what I'm writing, but I really hate planning so it's all in my mind.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
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I hear you there, pre-writing is such a pain that sometimes I just give up and start writing, but when I do that I usually end up upset with the result. Anywho, I'm in the middle of finishing it now and I noticed something that I think you should address; after the battle when Alexander is first adressing Leia, he begins to reprimand her but she retorts by stating that her actions saved everyone's lives. Now, that's all well and good, but in the actual battle we don't see the Voidwalker reacting to Leia's attack at all; you do show her throwing her knives, but you don't even know if they hit it or not. I'm just saying this to help a little when you rewrite the battle, so you don't forget or make the same mistake. Anyways, I'll update when I'm finished.

Alright, I finished reading it and I find it eerily similar to my writings (you can take that as a compliment or an insult! ; ] ). But yeah, it's pretty good so far, certainly one of the better novel-esque works that I've read on TheHelper. One thing I noticed was that large paragraph where Leia does her own personal mental monologue; although the information about her classes is somewhat important simply because it helps you identify her age and the type of world she lives in, it can be somewhat dissuading when people yell at themselves in their heads for several minutes. It's fine if someone thinks something to themself, but if they're having a full-blown conversation in their mind then you need to change something. I'm over-exaggerating, though, it's really not that bad.

I'm starting to get into your story, though; there isn't much to it yet, but I think it's got some incredible potential. Do I sense a bit of government conspiracy coming forth in future chapters? I'm excited to find out, so keep it up!
 

Arcane

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Yes, the updated version describe's Leia's part in the fight more. She just provided a distraction more or less. But then again, that's what everybody was doing, Voidwalkers are indestructible - technically.

I kind of liked that paragraph, and nobody else has had complaints yet, so I'm not altering it, I'll keep your comments in mind though.

And yes! Oh my god, you're good! I barely mentioned the Government yet in the first chapter...

In fact, I've been having serious doubts about my ability to write realistic government issues (since I don't really pay attention to politics or that kind of thing, except laugh when they do something stupid), but we'll see when the time comes.

Putting up an update now, I had it up on Goth's High last night but didn't have time to upload it here. This update signifies the end of the first chapter. It's only six pages (nearing seven) however... I was hoping for something like ten.
 
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