[Poem] Lost

[duyen]

A short poem I wrote, I might make it longer:

Spoiler

Lost

I was standin in the rain,
Just tryin to bear the pain.
My dad just died,
But I just can’t cry.
I want to blame it on the cancer,
But I really know the answer.

I just feel like killin,
When I should be just hangin out, chillin.
I’m starting to feel like a criminal
You know, dim and all.
I’m lost, I cannot find my way,
I guess life… life just carried me away.
​

 

[Knight7770]

I want to blame it on the cancer,
But I really know the answer.

I liked it :thup:

 

[Prometheus]

Its nice and rhymey.

 

[duyen]

Thanks for feedback

 

[Battlemapsta]

Simple but try to refrain from using slangish words like chillin, etc. Either way, it's better than average but I suggest you to keep improving your skill.

 

[Knight7770]

Simple but try to refrain from using slangish words like chillin, etc. Either way, it's better than average but I suggest you to keep improving your skill.

Slang is fine as long as it's proper:
Improper slang:

killin

Proper slang:

killin'

:thup:

 

[Battlemapsta]

Slang IMO, only mar the constructive excellence of any literally piece. But understanding the slangish community here in The Helper, I think that could be your only excuse. Still, remember to defer from the use of slang vocabulary.

 

[duyen]

slang is on purpose to set the mood, yes I did consider removing it

 

[Zakyath]

you're neither painting up an image or making me all emotional. the only lines that I actually liked were "I want to blame it on the cancer,
But I really know the answer."

probably it's not you're writing that's the issue, it's my taste.

 

[Ninva]

There's nothing wrong with slang. It's part of culture.

 

[Battlemapsta]

Heh, slang in poems is IMO, considered rap

 

[aznsteph]

lol so thats why Knight7770 criticized me on the slangs, sorry but too used to write like that.. the only time i dont write like that is for school work or something really important

and slangin is not that associated to rap, i mean..well i think lol that there are slangs in other kinds of music too