Prayer

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
God give me strength
To handle this bullshit:

Of incompetent teachers
and these terrible textbooks;

Of beautiful friends
Who I'll miss when I'm gone;

Of girls who love me
Yet I can't love in return;

Of poetry --
That I can't write;

Of my ignorance
That constantly grows;

Of my sweet heart
Who wishes to choke me;

Of my parents
Who wish me to grow;

Of religion
That strangles me;

Of happiness
That eludes me;

And of my reason
To write this.
 

SerraAvenger

Cuz I can
Reaction score
234
My eyes bleed because of the way you use words like beautiful, heart who, and ignorance. I'm not sure you're saying what you think you're saying, or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

But let me start to give you my thoughts on this.

Okay first of all, I like your sudden change in style in the second line. I'm not sure if bullshit is the best word, but I can't think of anything better right now. It feels a little bit like hanging in the air (because of the way it sounds, i.e. the syllables seem to be too short).
I love the structure of the reccurring ofs, but I think you should try a verbal mirroring as well. I.e. either rhyme or metric.
The end is most formidable. Seldom have I seen an ending this good.

I do not like the way you're abusing punctuation. The inflation is so strong that even the colon in the second line looses a lot of it's strength, adding to the problem of the bullshit.

Content wise, I can follow you well up to the parents that wish you to grow. religion and happiness don't seem so bad either. Have you tried experimenting with the order, e.g. moving happiness, parents, religion to the front, going over friends, peotry, girls to the heart, and finally to the teachers and the ignorance? Or maybe trying to build up to the ending differently. I don't think the order is the worst you could've chosen, but it feels very meaningless to me.

On a very personal note, my version of this would've looked like this:

"God give me strength
To handle


nevermind, fuck this shit."
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
The poem is not an emulation of frustration. I tried to express one feeling within the shortest amount of time, keeping each stanza relatively condensed and vaguely reflective of the one before. It was an experiment. I liked the outcome. Most of it was intentionally anti-climatic.
 

SerraAvenger

Cuz I can
Reaction score
234
I tried to express one feeling within the shortest amount of time, keeping each stanza relatively condensed and vaguely reflective of the one before.

Could you tell me what feeling this was? Because for me, it does sound... Well, frustrated is certainly not the right word, maybe more disenchanted or bitter. Yes, bitterness and sadness is what I feel this poem represents; Clinging to an old structure and ideal (the form of a prayer, the structure of it etc) but in the end just lamenting that you do not even believe this makes any sense. The thought that you use a religious tool to handle or state your "anger" to the world, but criticize it on the fly (religion which strangles me) is very foreign and strange, but supports this feeling.

It was an experiment. I liked the outcome.

I do as well. I think you should keep experimenting and perfecting it.

Most of it was intentionally anti-climatic.

Hm. I believe building up to a climax that never comes would have been better than just rolling down the hill. Currently, I would not call it anti-climatic; I would just say that there is no climax.
I hope I was able to convey what I wanted to say.
 
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