Raid

Dakho

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75
I just noticed this section a few days ago, and recently I felt like putting something in it. I ended up with a (very) short intoduction to a possible story. Please note I don't free write all that much, so don't expect anything amazing. :p Anyways, here it is:

It was with a sudden rush that Brenn's consciousness returned to him. As he opened his eyes he saw only a blurry haze. Once his vision had cleared, and his senses had returned to him, he felt something moist upon his face. The wetness he felt upon his cheeks and brow was first thought to be mud, but as Brenn wiped it away with his gloved hand he quickly discovered it was blood. With that realization he felt as if his mind had suddenly been jolted, and the memories came flowing back. The raid... quickly Brenn stood up, brushing off the dirt from his leather armor, though some of it was caked with mud. But it wasn't his ruined armor that bothered Brenn; it was the scene that lay before him. He looked around. The dust had settled, and the blood splattered across the ground had long dried. Mangled bodies lay strewn about across the field; some frozen in their final moments of torment. Disgusted, Brenn looked up at the sky, but only felt it's tranquility as bitter irony. As his eyes drifted back down to the horrific scene, he felt an uneasiness in his stomach. But it was alas the sight of his brother, brutally dismembered and raised into the air by a crude spear, that drove Brenn over the edge. His legs went limp and he collapsed to the ground, trembling and shaking. He cradled his head in his hands, and his tears joined the mixture of dirt and mud that was the ground below him. Alone he languished on the field, with the feeling of complete desolation. At last the tears dried and Brenn felt induced to survey the scene one last time. It was in this solemn state that he noticed something he had not before; a body lay amongst the others, the face covered with a crimson mask. Even in death the stranger held his bloodied scimitar in a tight grip. He looked like a man of the wild; his clothing was worn and frayed, and his hair was tousled and unkempt. He seemed brutish, and certainly larger than the average person. It was with this inspection that a revalation suddenly took hold of him: "Defias..."
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
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87
"It was with a sudden rush that Brenn felt his eyes nearly rip open. His face was dug into the ground."

Maybe you could reword these, they aren't very clear, and "his face was dug into the ground" sounds horrible.


"The wetness he felt upon his cheeks and brow was first thought to be mud, but as Brenn wiped it away with his gloved palm..."

Sounds better as "He thought the wet feeling he had on his cheeks and brow was mud at first, but when he wiped it away with his gloved hand..."


"...he quickly discovered it was crimson blood."

Crimson doesn't belong there, it breaks the flow of the sentence. God damnit, of course his blood is crimson, unless he's an alien or something. :p


"The raid... quickly Brenn stood up, brushing off the collected dirt all over his leather armor. The fur mantle he wore was now caked with mud, and didn't look like it would be easy to get it back to normal."

Quick fix: "The raid! Brenn stood up instantly, wincing as he did from his wounds. The fur mantle he wore now was caked in mud, but now was not the time to worry about that."


"But it wasn't his ruined armor that bothered him; it was the scene that lay before him. He looked around. The dust hadl settled, and the blood splattered across the ground had long dried. Mangled bodies lay twisted; some frozen in their final plea for life, others too mutilated to even recognize."

Quick fix: "It wasn't his ruined armor which bothered him though; it was the terrible scene before him. The dust had settled and the splattered blood had long since dried, but the mangled bodies of the dead still lay there, twisted in their final moments of agony.


"The mockingly tranquil sky looked down upon the scene, and saw only
chaos. Brenn felt something uneasy in his stomach, and couldn't help but feel sick to the very core."

These two sentences are pretty bad. For instance in the first sentence I like how you used "mockingly tranquil", but I don't like the rest of that sentence. And as for the second sentence... he felt "something uneasy", that doesn't make sense - the "something" doesn't belong there, maybe "he felt a faint uneasiness in his stomach" - and after feeling uneasy, he couldn't help but to feel sick? You're kind of repeating yourself there.


"But it was finally the sight of his brother, limbs chopped away and a spear skewered through his torso, that drove young Brenn over the edge."

I'd suggest: "It was the sight of his brother though, horrifically dismembered and staked to the ground with a spear which drove young Brenn over the edge."


"The man fell to his knees and the tears streamed down, washing away the blood and sweat upon his face."

The man would be better as "he", since you haven't introduced any other characters yet have you? I don't think his emotions are described strongly enough either.


"He sat there for minutes, lying in his quiet sorrow, until finally he looked up, and something caught his eye; a man lay amongst the bodies, yet different from the others."

Bleh. I hate how "he sat there for minutes" sounds. And "lying" and "sat" don't fit. Maybe "wallowing" would be a good word to use. And instead of "until finally he looked up..." use "When he finally looked up, something caught his eye immediately. There was a man lying amongst the bodies looking quite out of place."


"Upon his face was a red mask and his clothes were far from the simple villager clothes the others had. Even in death this stranger had a steadfast grip on his bloodied scimitar."

Problem: "his clothes were far from the simple villagers clothes the others had". When used in the wrong places, descriptions are cumbersome instead of being interesting. Plus, "from the simple villagers clothes the others had" sounds funny.

Replacement: "He wore a red mask and [insert more detailed description here], clearly distinguishing him from the slain villagers lying nearby, and even in death he had a steadfast grip upon his bloodied scimitar."


"Brenn's eyes widened and his breath simply stopped; 'Defias...'"

Don't use "his breath simply stopped" please. It sounds really bad. "and he his breath caught" sounds better.



Yeah, okay, that looks like a lot of "errors", but it's not that bad all in all. I got lazy later on, so some of the things I didn't comment on as much. (I didn't go in chronological order, so the lazy-bits might be earlier on.)
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
I only read the first sentence, sorry, but His eyes nearly rip open? are you implying that he opened them so fast because in his mind he suddenly remembered a rush of memories, or are you implying that because of the dirt and that his face was stuck in the mud that it was painful to open his eyes?
Either way, rip open, or nearly rip open is I think a tad harsh. The word that could replace it escapes me though, since I do not know which of the two you are trying to imply.
Another thing: Before that sentence you could have another paragraph in italics about the memories rushing back to him that made him 'nearly rip' open his eyes. Just something you could try.

Read a few more sentences in the middle: I can tell your a rather good writer, so don't get your hopes down.
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
Arcane... never seen you before in my life.

Anyway, this was pretty good. The first writing I've ever seen from Dakho. There were some grammatical errors, but besides that, it was pretty good. I don't think "rip open" seems too bad. It's how you imagine it. If you're like me and you've seen... violent movies, and anime, you can imagine it fine (some guy being like slammed into the ground and his eyes like... ok that's too violent. Anywho, but some wording like "crimson" could change. :thup:
 

Dakho

()[o__o]()
Reaction score
75
Well thanks for the comments/crit. I went back and looked at it and you were right; it sounded awkward quite often. So I revised it and changed most of it. Anyways, I hope this time it's a bit better ;)
 

BlargIAmDead

New Member
Reaction score
25
Could we break this into two or three paragraphs? There are situations where the "giant scary block of text" works, but I don't think this is one of them. ;)
 
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