Dr.Jack
That's Cap'n to you!
- Reaction score
- 109
A short story I wrote a while ago. The first I'm sharing with the community. This is a huge step for me as I'm usually very protective about my works, I rarely share them with anyone. So, here goes!
As for the reason I picked this story. It is a story I'm having a bit of problems with using the language. I'm trying to use a very blunt, naive, simple language, yet with a bit of class. If you found the language to be a bit odd, now you know why! I'm aiming for it! I would love to hear suggestions as of how to get closer to accomplish that goal.
So, fire a way. All comments appreciated (negative and positive)!
Reborn
Smith sat on the roof while the rain poured over his head. His name was Smith. That’s it. He didn’t deserve to be named differently. Just smith. Lightning appeared, making his rifle shine, like dreams. He held his gun tightly, trying to protect it from the rain, but the rain continued on his, merciless and cruel, as always. His head was shaved, he wore nothing but a simple white shirt, pants and a pair of worn shoes.
The day before he received a simple text message telling him to make a clear threat to the target without harming it. Smith figured shooting at the target’s kid would deliver a clear message. Just being Smith.
That target was supposed to return to its house today at 21:00, accompanied by his child. Smith glanced at his watch. 20:58. He got ready, he leaned his rifle against the roof’s short fence while holding it tightly in both hands. He looked through the sight and sat quietly. He cleared his head of thoughts, leaving only determination to accomplish his mission. As one would expect from Smith. He’s just Smith.
At first he worked to get money for college, back when his life had purpose. His father refused to give him money as he disapproved the idea of John going to college. Yes, in the past he was more than Smith, he was John. But now he turned to Smith. His father offered him to work for him for one year, and if Smith would still want to go to college he would fund it. Smith agreed. Seven years later his dad is still his boss.
It wasn’t always like that. First all he had to do is drive his father’s friends. Then steal for them. Then kill from them. The chains biding to his new world became too hard to break. He was now Smith, just like the others. Exactly two years ago during a fight he called his father a murderer. That was a big mistake. His father’s guards punished him for being a bad boy. The last shard of humanity was taken from him that day.
A car stopped, a man and a child stepped out. They fitted the description given to him. A big bodyguard escorted them as they went towards the house’s door. He heard laughter coming from the small group, as the father picked the child gently. Such a strange sound, for the Smith.
It reminded him the day his father took him for work when he was 12. It has been an awfully boring day as he could never hear his father’s conversation with his friends. As they returned home his father was shot by a sniper. The bullet went right through his father’s ass. The left cheek to be exact. His father collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. John laughed.
Smith took the rifle and aimed it at the target. Right to its ass. The left cheek.
John smiled as the sound of the bullet went on and on.
Smith sat on the roof while the rain poured over his head. His name was Smith. That’s it. He didn’t deserve to be named differently. Just smith. Lightning appeared, making his rifle shine, like dreams. He held his gun tightly, trying to protect it from the rain, but the rain continued on his, merciless and cruel, as always. His head was shaved, he wore nothing but a simple white shirt, pants and a pair of worn shoes.
The day before he received a simple text message telling him to make a clear threat to the target without harming it. Smith figured shooting at the target’s kid would deliver a clear message. Just being Smith.
That target was supposed to return to its house today at 21:00, accompanied by his child. Smith glanced at his watch. 20:58. He got ready, he leaned his rifle against the roof’s short fence while holding it tightly in both hands. He looked through the sight and sat quietly. He cleared his head of thoughts, leaving only determination to accomplish his mission. As one would expect from Smith. He’s just Smith.
At first he worked to get money for college, back when his life had purpose. His father refused to give him money as he disapproved the idea of John going to college. Yes, in the past he was more than Smith, he was John. But now he turned to Smith. His father offered him to work for him for one year, and if Smith would still want to go to college he would fund it. Smith agreed. Seven years later his dad is still his boss.
It wasn’t always like that. First all he had to do is drive his father’s friends. Then steal for them. Then kill from them. The chains biding to his new world became too hard to break. He was now Smith, just like the others. Exactly two years ago during a fight he called his father a murderer. That was a big mistake. His father’s guards punished him for being a bad boy. The last shard of humanity was taken from him that day.
A car stopped, a man and a child stepped out. They fitted the description given to him. A big bodyguard escorted them as they went towards the house’s door. He heard laughter coming from the small group, as the father picked the child gently. Such a strange sound, for the Smith.
It reminded him the day his father took him for work when he was 12. It has been an awfully boring day as he could never hear his father’s conversation with his friends. As they returned home his father was shot by a sniper. The bullet went right through his father’s ass. The left cheek to be exact. His father collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. John laughed.
Smith took the rifle and aimed it at the target. Right to its ass. The left cheek.
John smiled as the sound of the bullet went on and on.
As for the reason I picked this story. It is a story I'm having a bit of problems with using the language. I'm trying to use a very blunt, naive, simple language, yet with a bit of class. If you found the language to be a bit odd, now you know why! I'm aiming for it! I would love to hear suggestions as of how to get closer to accomplish that goal.
So, fire a way. All comments appreciated (negative and positive)!
