Remembrance

Pineapple

Just Smile.
lol sorry :D

Its ok you cleared it up.

I really liked how you put humans as the strongest race, where in most books humans are often considered the weakest. I find that it is rather unique.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Thanks. Since this is a future long past what thought of, humans would be at the peak with all there technology and such. But there are a few things that have changed though. Another characteristic of the lites I haven't told either.
What you think better, Remembrance or Reminiscence? I kinda like Reminiscence.
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
nice colin

was confusing a bit, but a great story!! keep going in for the kill!:D
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I realized with horror that Remembrance was on the second page.
But anyone who hasn't read it yet should, at least definitely the prologue, the other two chapters if you want to live <3
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
I desperately try to keep this off the second page :)
but if you haven't read this, just try the prologue and the first chapter, a mere one and a half pages and tell me if your hooked or not, thats it.
Cmon guys, God knows I don't ask you for much!!!!!!
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
CURSE YOU!!!
Nestharus, ??? I know your a big fan of me <3

by the by, you wouldn't happen to have a warcraft account of the same name and recently was playing with the clan TDoM?
 

XXXconanXXX

Cocktails anyone?
About chapter 2 -

I can't say enough how exceptional your writing is. It's interesting, imaginative, and exciting to read. You draw the reader into a world full of emotion and intrigue, while keeping it simple and easy to understand.

One thing I've always loved about your writing is that you don't try to be something you're not, and you don't overcomplicate things to try and make up for a lack of writing ability. You're a terrific writer, and don't ever change your writing style. It's perfect, sophisticated, yet simple. You cannot be 12. If you were, the world would explode.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
lol, your right, I turned thirteen (seriously).

Ironically, I've been rewriting the second chapter for a time now because I didn't like the feel of it as much. If you'd like when I post it, you can read that one too and tell me which one you think is better.

But thank you very much for the praise, it's appreciated hugely. I can't really come up with words now to show my thanks... but I'll try anyway! :)

"I really liked how you put humans as the strongest race, where in most books humans are often considered the weakest. I find that it is rather unique."
>Pineapple
well... when most people do that, its for two reasons-
1. Humans already exist and we have accepted the fact of no 'special' powers besides our minds, really, but other races, people can invent and change at leisure. This makes them almost automatically put Humans as the weakest race
2. When most writer's do that, which many many of them do, it is because in a fantasy world we're still boring old humans with all this myth and magic surrounding us.

Where as for me... this isn't a fantasy world. this is just the future, however odd that may seem. Where that spire rises up and where the Lites live is Earth... plain and simple.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Alright guys, especially if you already read the second chapter but even if you didn't, I posted an alternate chapter of the second (lol finished the day before conan reviewed the original and said it was awesome) because I wasn't satisifed with the original, so could you read both and tell me which you prefer?

These chapters are not very short at all, just maybe 3 pages each, so it won't take to much time, see if you have it in ya :)

If you're going to read the entire thing, again the first two (prologue, chap 1) are only a page, so don't think it will be this whole long thing.
God Bless <3
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Alright, I know you're all excited and you're keyboard has short-circuited from drool due to the fact that you excitedly await THE EDITED prologue rotfl. well, I edited it to to many reviews of Eolates fourth law and the black snow that were far from complimentary :). I have also posted an alternate second chapter which I'm hoping conan will read soon and get back to me on a PM that I've been waiting for cause I would really like to hear from him and-
off topic. anyways, this won't take to much time to read the prologue and if you're hooked read more.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Alright. Mods or Admins, could you please clean up any posts that are not critiques of Remembrance? Thanks.

I've started it all over again, and have a prologue and some of the first chapter. Read the prologue please, its short. Give a critique, you're feeling, and if you're hooked or not.

Thanks for staying with me this long :)
 

hortononon

"I give em the hip then I take it away"-Jim Thorpe
Too many, Too many he could never find her she was gone, gone.
kinda awkwardly phrased, maybe i just didnt get it..

very good, a lot of drama/intesity very sad

the white light hooked me, so write some more..

last thing: i see uve completely changed the title, so you might wanna pm an admin er mod see if theyll change the thread title..



have a nice day.:)

edit> is anyone gunna read the infiltrator on complitation of writings?
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Adds to the sadness, the quickness, the hopelessness. "Too many ,Too many he could never find her she was gone, gone." Maybe I'll see what others say about this.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Adds to the sadness, the quickness, the hopelessness. "Too many ,Too many he could never find her she was gone, gone." Maybe I'll see what others say about this.
I think the real problem with this line is that we don't know what you're trying to say. "Too many, Too many..." Too many what? All he does is say that and then it runs on into a completely different sentence. To word it more correctly, it'd be "Too many, too many; he could never find her, she was gone, gone..." That is, I believe that that's what you were getting at. It still doesn't explain what there's too many of, though...

Anywho, now that you've only got that tiny little prologue, I don't see how you can be expecting too much feedback; I have no idea what's happening, only that some person is looking for someone he loves named Anna, and he can't seem to get to her. Then, when he finally does, they both disappear and it's over. I'd suggest at least beginning the first chapter so that we can get an idea of what it's all about.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
A prologue crit is different then a chapter crit guys. Prologue: (least for this one) Tell if you felt emotion from it: Tell if you were hooked from it: and anything else you might like to add. I've repeated this more than once.
and I will possibly change that.
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
You can't feel emotion from characters you don't even know yet.

I can't only criticize the one paragraph prologue. Write some more.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
You guys all suck! :p

you don't know them but can you feel emotion coming from that passage even if you don't know them? Yes or no question!

Yes you can. Were you hooked? ANswer that and the yes or no question.
 

Arcane

You can change this now in User CP.
Well yes, but no.

Yes because it's obviously supposed to be emotional, no because we can't really feel for the characters yet, so it's only because we know what it's supposed to be like.

It's a hook though, sure.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
alright. so you feel emotion just because you think you're supposed to?
Alright, I guess I won't be able to make ya' fools understand <3

First chapter up soon enough.
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    We did!
  • Ghan Ghan:
    The old shoutbox wasn't supported anymore. We updated xenForo, so it had to be replaced.
  • jonas jonas:
    let's see if everyone finds it... the nice thing about the shoutbox was I could check on it even while logged out, but the existence of this one is hidden when you're not logged in
  • Ghan Ghan:
    We can fix that.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Chat should show on the sidebar when not logged in now.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    (You'll still need to log in to post messages)
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Test!
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    I must be in a test server.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Nice, Twitter tweets embedding now works
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Yup.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Excellent.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    @tom_mai78101 Hello there.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Tagging works in the chat too.
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    @Ghan Missed it.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Still fixing things here and there. Added widgets to the portal, will make it match the ones here on the forum index tomorrow.
  • Ghan Ghan:
    The venerable World Editor Tutorials site has been converted to HTTPS at last.
  • jonas jonas:
    cool
  • jonas jonas:
    and I can even edit my messages, nice
  • seph ir oth seph ir oth:
    GENERAL CHIT CHAT, YOU ARE A BOLD ONE
  • Ghan Ghan:
    Hello there
  • The Helper The Helper:
    this new chatbox is great and the forum software update is great too
    +1
  • The Helper The Helper:
    upgrade has fixed forum registration spam problem
  • tom_mai78101 tom_mai78101:
    Something tells me we might be able to customize the chatbox a bit, considering that there's a gap under every message.
  • Wizard Wizard:
    Going to deploy a fix soon, just had to take some time for myself this weekend.

    Members online

    No members online now.

    Affiliates

    Hive Workshop
    Top