Scifi Story

hi_im_bob

......and you are?
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I Love reading science fiction so I thought that I might take a stab at writting it.

Chapter I: A Night to Remember

He woke with a start. Loud noises, lights flashing, men talking. Jonathan Mathis was worried that he overslept again, but was unhappy to find out that it was only 1:03 military time. He looked down, “damn it,” angry that he had fallen asleep in his uniform. He looked around the small, messy and dark room. He pressed the button to his right to turn on the lights, and then began to move towards the door. After clicking two more buttons the door opened, and the lights turned off. Once outside he was surprised to see men running up and down the hallways, dressing on their way to their destination. He was equally surprised that it was a red alarm flashing, “you don’t pull the Red Alert unless something big was up” he thought to himself. He turned, locked the door with the keypad on the wall, and began to walk down the narrow corridor. After only a few seconds a loud intercom cracked to life “Captain Mathis to main deck C, Captain Mathis to main deck C.” He took out a small object from his pocket, held the button and responded “I am on my way.”

Jonathan pressed a few numbers, and the doors hissed open. He thought he might escape the chaos from the rest of the ship, but was mistaken. Inside was just as bad, it was only once the doors hissed closed that the noise began to dull down. A female officer came over to him with a electroboard. “Good morning Captain.”
“I am not in the mood, who pulled the Red Alert and why?”
“Lieutenant Genos sir. It was because of this.” She showed him the electroboard, and Jonathan was speechless for a few seconds. Then he asked “Is that what I think it is?”
“Yes sir, a Kylos Division ship, Class D Gunship.”
“Have you tried communicating with it?”
“Yes sir for the past few minutes, but it has still not responded.”
“Give me a link with command.”
”Yes sir.” She went of to one of the many stations situated around the room. There must have been at least twenty in the two story room.

Jonathan was standing on the first level, or Tier 3 as they called it. Nothing was up here except for the door, and the highest ranking officers. Bellow him with 6 stations was the second level, where the ship was steered from. On the third level, at the bottom of the room was the bulk of people and stations. At the front was one big screen showing real time images of the spaceship. The bottom right displayed magnification and distancing from the ship. 1000 space miles, that meant he had about 2 minutes to figure out what to do until the ship could start shooting at him.

Minutes later Jonathan was holding a object about the size of a cell phone, called a Link. “This is Captain Mathis of the Gunship Narmouth requesting immediate patch to Fleet Admiral Brown.”
“Please verify” Jonathan was handed a small box, he typed in the code, and took out the piece of paper.”
”A7GHT”
“Verified”
”STUU8”
“Confirmed patching you through to Fleet Admiral Brown.”
Jonathan whispered to the female officer, “Neri can you give me our exact location?” She nodded and then went to the first booth on the right, and began to talk with the officer stationed there.
“Hello?”
“Sir this is Captain Mathis of the Narmouth.”
”Yes, I heard that the Red Alert was pulled what is going on?”
”A Class D Kylos Division Gunship.”
“My Gods. Have you made contact?
“No sir we have been trying.”
”How much longer until contact?”
”Maybe 2 minutes if we are lucky.”
“Damn you know the rules.”
”But sir...”
”I will try and get the Tribunal together as fast as I can.”
“These damn bureaucrats.”
”I feel the same way, how far are you from a planet?”
Neri handed Jonathan a sheet of paper. “About 25,000 miles, but its Rhen and you know Independents, not always friendly when it comes to Gunships.”
“Look I will get back to you as fast as I can, but it could take a while, you should start heading in that direction. No need to stay and get killed.”
”Yes sir.”
”I will talk to you soon” There was a short click as the Link disconnected the call.
“Should I prepare the weapons?”
”Negative.”
”But sir!”
”You know the rules, just be patient. Where is First Lieutenant Rouy?”
”Sick bay sir, checked in last night.”
“Fine, Lieutenant Neri I am promoting you to First Lieutenant during First Lieutenant Rouy’s leave.”
”Thank you sir.”
“Now set a course for Rhen”
“Aye Captain. Petty Officer Munis plot a course for Rhen “
“Yes Ma’am. ETA 34 minutes.”
“Copy that. Now what sir?”
“Now we wait...”Jonathan was interrupted by someone on the second level yelling “Radar contact!”
“What now?” Jonathan asked.
“It looks like two more sir.”
”You have got to be joking.”
”No sir.”

There was a silence throughout the room. Jonathan was wondering if it had started again. Less than a year ago the LUS and Kylos Division had signed a cease-fire. The cease-fire prevented either group from crossing what is known as the Parallel, a region of space marked off by 300 satellites, used as a division between the two groups. All of sudden Jonathan was brought back to reality. “Sir, Fleet Admiral Brown” Lieutenant Neri handed him the Link. “Sir what is the update?
”I am sorry; the Tribunal has decided that you may only take defensive action. That is you may only defend yourself if attacked first.”
”Well perhaps you should tell the damn Tribunal that there are two more ships out there.”
”What?”
”Two more ships have arrived sir.”
”I am sending the nearest ship to your location. Continue heading towards Rhen. I will also talk with the Tribunal again.”
”Thank you sir.” The Link clicked and disconnected again.
”What is the closest ship to our location?”
”The Vengeance sir, 23,000 miles, stationed at Rhen.”
“Keep heading towards Rhen, radio the Vengeance, tell them what our heading is. Arm our missiles, I wanted them ready to fire, but not until I give the order.”
”Yes sir.” Neri walked away, picked up a Link and began talking into it.
“May the Gods help us.”

To be continued. (Critisim appreachiated)
 

The Helper

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I liked it. I am a Science Fiction buff myself. I am no writing expert but I enjoyed your story.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
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Nice, get a few more modern things out of there if you can, like cellphone. And 'space miles' sounds a little corny, try like 'quadrants' or kilomiles, or somethin like that.
But good.
 

The Helper

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I was going to mention the same thing Halahan said as well. I don't think you want to use modern stuff to compare to, it brings the reader out of the fantasy.
 

hi_im_bob

......and you are?
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Yah some of the things I couldnt really think of a good name for, so i just made up some random stuff, but thanks for the criticism
 

Rinpun

Ex TH Member
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Mm, Scifi :p

I'm a big science fiction fan, but I can't make any points out of your story. A successful sci-fi comes up with one key idea the entire story revolves around. It must be a decent idea that you can actually make a story about, and you must, indeed, revolve the story around it.

For examples--Asimov's iRobot series dealt with "What if robots acted like humans?" and the idea is even present in the title. His Foundation series as well dealt with the ability to predict the future, through the oddity of being lead around by a guy who was dead thousands of years ago. Even the comedic series, such as Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy dealt with the simple and amusing idea based out of American bigotry--"What if we really don't matter?" as shown the first three when the Earth is destroyed to make (lol) a Galactic Bypass. And as his series continues in the later half to its end, it deals with a change of topic, to even the seemingly meaningless things seem to have a purpose, as the previously destroyed Earth seemed to actually have a point to "being". I could say what it was, but I'd be spoiling the whole amusement of the story, so I won't.
 

hi_im_bob

......and you are?
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Yes well I am going to explore that in chapter II, this first part is to keep the reader interested like a hook, before I get in depth story.
 

Krys A Night

Writer
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I like it, though I don't read as much sci-fi as I used to it is a good story. You have a strong idea here, and so far you're playing it out well. If I could suggest a couple of thing, the First Lieutenant in the sick bay, you could have him somehow involved in what's happening feeding the Kylos information. Small things like that.
 

Sevion

The DIY Ninja
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how about instead of Cellphone try Pistol Magazine :p or maybe juice box, or small book, cartridge, 2x4" block:D
 

Lord_Kakashi

The Wabbits are attacking
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When writing, it's important that you "show" it and don't tell. Meaning you describe images instead of just typing a story.. I am sure you all pretty well know this, but i just wanted to say that i think you do this very well :)

also i like the fact that you keep the reader "in the dark" about a past.. Also you sense the comming of a conflict whereas 3 gunships are "invading" or something..

i like it - if you keep the whole book like that i would read it.

One thing tho. 25,000 miles doesnt seem very far in space imo... If you concider that they are travelling space visiting diffrent solar systems ect, and the distance to our own sun is believed to be 93.205.678,84 miles... 25.000 isn't really that far
 

hi_im_bob

......and you are?
Reaction score
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Well thanks for all the feedback, vacation starts tomorrow for two weeks, so i might actually have some free time to write.

PS: Anyone a Michael Crichton fan? Just finished his newest book Next....... didnt like that much, state of fear was better.
 
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