Seth Cross Writing

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Renendaru

(Evol)ution is nothing without love.
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Sounds pretty uplifting and the harmony is good up until the middle where it's hard for me to read nonstop like a poem usually is, with strategic pauses, and etc... Overall it's awesome and a really nice read though.
 

DM Cross

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Ah, someone caught the middle part >.< I spent about 20 minutes thinking of different words, trying to rephrase and restructure about 3 of the stanzas to make them better and this was the best I got... Flow has not always been my best writing ability, as sometimes I sacrifice flow for what I want to say. My kinks >.<

Thanks :)
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
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I'm going to warn you, Seth. What you're about to read isn't flowery or complimentary. Your poem was alright, but it's certainly not your best. I've been studying literature for a few years, yet everything is my own opinion. I believe this poem is good, but there are some things that could be improved. This is provided to help you, not discourage.

Oh man, I believe I've found more cliches than I wanted to in this poem. Also, I began skipping lines just because they repeated an idea. You didn't seem to embellish or expand a whole lot.

There's a saying. Good poets borrow, but great poets steal. I'm not sure how authentic that saying is, but maybe you should just keep that in your head.

>> I woke up today / And I feel reborn
The poem opens with two very cliche lines. Alright...

>>I can’t find the words to say // I don’t feel tired and worn
Ah, this was much more refreshing. Though the first line seemed a tad bit cliche, you managed to throw in something that sounded very nice in my mouth at the end.


>>I can’t help but feel // This is my sign // This has to be real // This is my time
You hooked me with the oddity of this stanza. No turning back now! Tell me about your time, please!
>>I can’t shake this feeling // I could take the world by storm
I disagreed with this. The cliche just seemed to be misplaced for some reason. Both lines were cliches.
>>My whole world is reeling // Is this how it feels to be reborn?
This is different. How does a world reel, especially in this context? Interesting question, I'll read to find out more! The last line also gave me a good question and impression. Liked it.

>>Does life really get this good? // Because I feel so alive // If I could explain I would // I have arrived
I want to know where you've arrived.

>>I couldn’t dream this up // Never saw this coming // Life’s a full cup // No more running
Epiphany? That's a literary device!

>>Used have no one believing in me // But I finally found my paradise // Sooner or later you’ll see // I’m the man and they’re the mice
Oh, cliche with attitude! That was executed nicely.

>>Standing here in the beautiful rain // I know I’m not dreaming // I’m like an unstoppable train // Still going, still steaming
I didn't like this.

>>I see you can have no doubt // You have to know you can survive // Just believe in the way out // And you will arrive
I didn't like this either. I don't like how the speaker introduces this person "you." He sounds so wishy-washy in this stanza, yet were you (the author) aiming to show cowardliness throughout the entire piece? If that's so, your character subtly reveals his inner thoughts in this stanza, which would be reconsidered to be the profoundest stanza in this poem. But I'm under the assumption that this stanza is a whole lot less than I'm reading into...

In the first line of the stanza, the speaker says he observes "no doubt," which could easily be interpreted as confidence. But then he gives advice. Why does he give out advice if the person is confident? You may back up your speaker's words by saying that the person with "no doubt" is confident in fear/unbelief/hesitation/etc., yet how does that make sense?

Sure, it's poetry, but I believe that the author is still obligated to write intelligently. Some of my poetry includes strange wording, like main is used as a noun instead of adjective or adverb. I also used the word distain once. It's a very old word that no one really knows. It means "to discolor; stain; sully." But these words were used correctly in context. Critics took shots at them, yet in the end, I was correct.

>>It feels just like flying // You feel you own the sky // You know I’m not lying // Close your eyes and give it a try
This supports my assumption. Your speaker is giving advice to the other character he introduces as "you," which could simply be the reader.

>>Get used to this new life // It’s time to change now // I learned to shed the strife // It doesn’t matter how
How did you shed the strife?

>>Forget the dark of the past // It’s time to realize today // Live every moment like it’s your last // Mean every word you say
You taught me, and my question is solved.

>>Reach up and give me your hand // We will learn to thrive // March to the beat of your own band // And we have arrived
March to the beat of your own band? Do you imply categorisationism? Should I be inspired or insulted by your bigotry? Honestly, that line made me upset.
 

DM Cross

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You thought waaay too much about this, Nin o_O WAY too much.
 

DM Cross

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I actually meant that in a fairly negative way. You really killed the entire thing by thinking it to death. You spoke not only with a snobbish tone that made it sound like because you've studied literature, you're now an expert and your word is law, but you made it seem like there was some kind of hidden meaning to every word and there really wasn't.

No offense, but I hate responses like this, though I respect your decision to make it :)
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
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Study literature, I have; however, I knew you would take offense to such an academic approach. You're not wrong for disliking my reply. I've been drilled with the idea that all work should not have meaningless text.
 

DM Cross

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I'm not saying anything I said was meaningless, just that you're digging too hard. The words themselves have meaning and strung together as they are, there is further meaning. You're acting like everything is the first word to an entire book, and that's not the case.

You're also seemingly under the impression that the poem is meant to explain everything in it for you and not let you wonder.

Again, you are wrong.
 

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
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Here: this is something you should read. This is a lyrical poem written by Regina Spektor.

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar

I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand

Two birds on a wire
One says c'mon and the other says "I'm tired"
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry
One more or one less
Nobody's worried

I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand

Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always gonna stay together
But one's never going to let go of that wire
He says that he will
But he's just a liar

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other...
As you can see, she effectively used every word to make us visualize two birds on a wire. There's a conflict, and it's not resolved. She did not waste one little word with imagery or anything. The only question that remains is why are these two birds on a wire, and what happens next? The wire can be a metaphor for a number of things, so can the two birds. Though you kinda resolved your poem, she leaves it open for interpretation.
 

DM Cross

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Taboo

I heard the shuffling of a mass of feet quickly moving out of the way of some ominous presence. The army of mall-goers quickly hugged the blank walls and shop windows, an aura of fear and loathing passing from one to the next. Not wanting to be in the path of whatever horrible creature was coming my way, I imitated the people around me and pressed my back to a shop window. The clear glass was cool against my bare upper back, sending a shiver down my spine.

I realized that, while I was afraid of whatever everyone else was afraid of, I was also curious what I was afraid of. Risking a glance that I told myself would only last half a second, I leaned forward around the plump stomach of the man next to me and peered around his waistline.

I found myself frozen in place. I could feel people's shocked gasps as they saw me standing with my upper half hanging out into the path of what I saw was a young man dressed all in black. Polished black leather shoes, black slacks and a black button-down shirt that had the top buttons still undone, showing just a bit of his chest below his collar bone. His shoulders were covered in a black leather trench coat that hung just above his knees. His face was slim and his skin pale, but smooth. His thin lips were pursed in something of a look of disdain, his nose slightly askew as if it had been broken one too many times and set quickly and without skill. His eyes were golden, the irises surrounded by black bands. He had high cheek bones and his jet black hair was cut short and swept back. The color of his eyes and hair contrasted terribly with his skin tone and the effect made him look beautiful, or at least as beautiful as a young man could be.

All in all, he looked like a normal human being, except for one thing. His slightly unbuttoned shirt showed the top of a dark symbol on his chest. It looked like the top of a crescent moon had been scorched into his skin, the edges of the symbol slightly frayed looking. It was the mark of a Taboo. The government called them something else, some long word that was pronounced differently every time I heard it, but the people had taken to calling them "Taboo" on account of the fact that no one accepted them, no one liked them and for the most part, no one ever spoke about them. They were dangerous creatures who could do amazingly terrible things. And one of them was walking my way.

And as I held my breath, I couldn't fight the small voice in the back of my head that wouldn't stop saying five simple, yet insane words.

"You're in love with him."

A story about a class of people known commonly as "Taboo", they're people with unique gifts. People also call them sorcerers, demons, Witches, freaks, etc. etc. They carry brands that 1) show what they are and 2) to other Taboo, explain what their ability is. These brands grow across their skin in different places naturally when their abilities mature.

I haven't named characters or decided a plot... This scene just came to me earlier today and I decided to write it and expand on it. I have no idea if it'll mature into something or when.
 

Manbatapus

New Member
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This is good writing, descriptive enough to give a vivid picture, yet not too much as to get boring. One thing confuses me though, and this may just be my poor ability to pick out things in text; was the gender of the character given?

Otherwise, very well done and eerily similar to an idea I had. :)
 

SerraAvenger

Cuz I can
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233
but... but...
You're in love with him is 6 words *cries*

I think it's interesting, but there's one sentence that you'll have to rephrase:
The government called them something else, some long word that was pronounced differently every time I heard it, but the people had taken to calling them "Taboo" on account of the fact that no one accepted them, no one liked them and for the most part, no one ever spoke about them
Something like this:
The government called them something else. It was some long word, and noone really knew how to pronounce it. "Taboo" was so much shorter. And it was true: No one accepted them. No one liked them. And, for the most part, no one ever spoke about them. Taboo, that's who they were.
 

DM Cross

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This is good writing, descriptive enough to give a vivid picture, yet not too much as to get boring. One thing confuses me though, and this may just be my poor ability to pick out things in text; was the gender of the character given?

Otherwise, very well done and eerily similar to an idea I had. :)
The narrator is a teenage/early 20's young woman. The focus of the part is about a young Taboo man, though.

but... but...
You're in love with him is 6 words *cries*

I think it's interesting, but there's one sentence that you'll have to rephrase:

Something like this:
You're - 1
In - 2
Love - 3
With - 4
Him - 5

I know "you're" in the combination of 2 words, but let's not be a smart ass :)

Wow, you're right. I didn't realize how badly that one sentence ran on. Thanks for pointing that out.
 

sqrage

Mega Super Ultra Cool Member
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I think it's interesting, but there's one sentence that you'll have to rephrase:

Something like this:
I agree but your rephrasing is not at all better or even worse in my opinion.

The writing is good, but I think the concept is somewhat cliche (though what isn't anymore). Hard to call though, since it's only a brief segment.
 

Durandal

New Member
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Cliche is a term people throw around to bash literature they don't like

I didn't think it was cliche at all, I haven't seen plots like this done very often or as well, I thoroughly enjoyed the (excerpt?) little bit you wrote.
 
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