Poetry Short piece

Discussion in 'The Writer's Corner' started by Zakyath, Mar 25, 2012.

  1. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

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    I haven't written anything in months. Except for just now that is. I appreciate any critisism, even though I know I have not been too generous with it myself for a while. Anyway.



    Why do I have to keep both my hands on the wheel?
    I’m drifting through gridlock with ease as it is.
    I hear the people holler, cursing at one another,
    This place is devoid of bliss.
     
  2. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

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    Is this a descriptive poem about a traffic jam?
     
  3. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

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    Not really, but it feels as if I'm really running out of metaphors...
     
  4. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

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    What do you mean by that?
     
  5. KaerfNomekop

    KaerfNomekop Swim, fishies. Swim through the veil of steel.

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    Your life is easy. You're flying past people in terms of success. Yet you still feel dissatisfied.

    Reading a bit into it gives such an impression.
     
  6. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

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    what I meant is that I'm running out of allegories and metaphors, so I wanted to try something relatively fresh to portray a certain emotion; I wasn't sure whether I succeded or failed.

    Your almost right on. It's about having it easy all your life, yes, but it's not that the narrator feels as if s/he is doing better than everyone else. I wanted to portray the feeling of having no motivation to do your best in a bleak and sad world.



    btw, my friend told me I am using the world gridlock wrong. Am I?
     
  7. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

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    In gridlock, you can't "drift through." I thought you were using poetic license with that phrase.
     
  8. Zakyath

    Zakyath Member

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    yeah, but my friend thought I had to write "a/the gridlock" :p

    my english is getting rusty, I need to start reading more...
     
  9. Ninva

    Ninva Анна Ахматова

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    That isn't necessarily so. Placing the article there depends on if there are more than one gridlocks, as a quantitative thing. I can see how it works rhetorically in your poesy, but I can't seeing it adding or taking away from the poem overall.
     

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