Short Writing

AgentPaper

From the depths, I come.
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107
This is a short into to a story I wrote for a creative writing assignment. (I'm technically finishing up high school) It's somewhat based off of a RP I had on B.net, which actually went pretty well. (until the game crashed) Anyways, the story would tell the tale mostly from the viewpoint of the invading demon, and takes place in a warcraftesque world, with orcs, demons, naga, and the like. The main demon is obviously a pit lord, and most of the people that show up will be based off of wc3 units, though they will be described, similarly to how I described the pit lord and his "demon hounds". (actually fel stalkers)

If any of you could read this over, give critique, or anything else, I'd like it. I've never really written anything like this before, only read, so any suggestions or pointers are greatly appreciated.

In the northern reaches, under the great Muraguk Mountains, five robed figures stood, chanting. Each was covered from head to foot in thick, dark cloth. In their midst, a pentagram was etched into the rock, painstakingly carved by the robed men over months of meticulous labor. In the center, an ancient sword lay, piercing a huge, stone heart. The heart was the only remains of a great demon, slain eons ago by a great hero. Now the demon would be revived once again.

Suddenly, all five figures stopped chanting. The leader stepped forward, and laid his hands on the ancient sword. He recited a magical spell, and a flash of light sprang from the sword. Once the light dimmed, it could be seen that the sword had cracked, and was quickly dissolving. As it did, the heart began to rise, and beat, as if it were alive.

Once the sword had completely disappeared, the heart began to glow, pulsing in power each time it beat. As it did, it tore a gash in the fabric of reality, slowly opening a portal to another dimension. As it did, a deep, low chuckle could be heard from the other side, as if it were mocking the robed men.

The leader of the group once again stepped forth, and called out to the rift. “Great Demon Destromath! I have summoned you to this world, and now I put you under my control!” As he said this, he reached into a pouch, and drew out a handful of what looked like deep red pebbles. As he threw them onto the heart, he called out a word of power.

Once again, the being on the other side of the portal laughed. A deep, rough, grating voice could be heard. “You think you can control me, feeble mortal?” He chuckled once more. “You can’t even begin to understand true power!” With this, a blast of energy radiated from the portal, knocking back each of the robed figures, and pinning them to the wall.

“No! My spell should have put you under my control!” The leader struggled to stand upright, but the portal continued to pulse, keeping him and his comrades firmly set against the wall. “Quickly! We must close the portal before he crosses over and destroys us all!”

“Too late, fool!” Demonic hounds leaped from the portal, and began to attack the robed men. The hounds had blood-red scaled hides, with a bony, spiked ridge jutting grotesquely from their spine. They had two large, dripping tusks sprouting on either side of their mouths, which they used to pin down their prey as they ate them alive. Their jaws were lined with sharp, strong teeth, capable of ripping through armor, and their tongue was coated in a slick, poisonous slime.

Now, the great demon himself came through the portal. His huge bulk consisted mainly of his great, lizard-like body, covered in deep purple scales, with black, rough bone sticking out in places along his back. At the front of his body, was his torso, vaguely resembling an overweight human body, but covered in scales, and rippling muscles. In one hand, he carried a massive sword, double sided, thick enough to be used as an axe, but also sharp enough to pierce at the tip.

He laughed once again, shaking the whole chamber with his laughter. Raising his hand, he held it out to each of the robed men in turn, and spoke a word of power. Dark yellow fumes began to rise off of the robed men, and they screamed in terror as they began to transform. “Now,” said the demon, “you will serve me for all time, as the generals of my army!” With this, the robed men grew to five times their size, and took on the look of demons, with short horns sticking out of their heads, and huge, dragon-like heads. Each grasped a burning blade in their clawed hands, and rage flared in their eyes.

“Now, my minions, command my armies, and destroy all who would stand in my path!”
 

AgentPaper

From the depths, I come.
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107
Bump
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Its good. A bit repetetive at the end I think. Might jsut be my imagination.
But good. I say this to much, but describe the surroundings/environment more at the beginning.
 

Krys A Night

Writer
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26
It's alright for a begining. You could use some more details to bring the reader into the story more. A line or two of what they are chanting, what the surrounding area looks like. Doing that would also draw out the suspense of what the leader is doing.
 

mase

____ ___ ____ __
Reaction score
154
Lol, very descriptive in somewhat useless areas like the spiked hounds :p. I found like 3-5 errors in there, but hey.
 

Halahan

To die will be an awfully big adventure.
Reaction score
52
Ya Krys A night said in a bit more detailed way about describe the surroundings, some higher points or bigger points.
Gj Krys!
 
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