[Song] Purge

Blackveiled

Blackveiled

Formerly, Ban-Lord
Reaction score
157
Code: 
This pain left with me, keeps growing
you constantly stand there, keep breaking
this soul that you've left behind

So come on over here and help this broken soul,
forget what the others say, purge my scars you've
left

Remember the ways it used to be, when we
were unbroken and never doubtful, always healing
each other, but now that has faded away,
all that is left is pain, and it keeps growing
this soul keeps breaking, the one you left behind

So come on over here and help this broken soul,
forget what the others say, purge my scars you've
left

All this time you've been standing there, watching
over my asphyxiated corpse, you stand there.  Purge
these scars.

I could use some advice on this little song I wrote, It is a death metal song that I am working on. I'm pretty much a screaming vocalist.
 
N

Ninva

Анна Ахматова
Reaction score
377
You should try rewriting your poem several times before publishing it. Also, try repicking your words. Some words are better to use than others. One word can totally change the mood and the voice.

Also, it seems like you were struggling to put ideas down into words. Try lengthening out your stanzas next time. Maybe you can include more content with more words - just saying. :thup:
 
Blackveiled

Blackveiled

Formerly, Ban-Lord
Reaction score
157
Ninva said:
You should try rewriting your poem several times before publishing it. Also, try repicking your words. Some words are better to use than others. One word can totally change the mood and the voice.

Also, it seems like you were struggling to put ideas down into words. Try lengthening out your stanzas next time. Maybe you can include more content with more words - just saying. :thup:
Click to expand...

That was just experimental anyways, I will put a lot more work into the next one.
 
DogOfHavoc

DogOfHavoc

Future Tragedy
Reaction score
55
Hmmm...it didn't really speak to me. I don't think you should say "broken" soul and then talk about scars. I think you should use a word that is connected to scars. This does have potential though, consider a rewrite.

-Just my thoughts.
 
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