Spoken Word

[Mer_de_Noms]

I've never been a big fan of/any good at traditional poetry styles, so I've always leaned towards spoken word.

Here's a little diddy of mine.

Lemme know what you think

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(Untitled)

lets go outside and watch the rain
so trivial
but when you're around
everything is slow-motion
so allow me to sit and observe
your reflection in every drop
and find inspiration to live
to love
to be me
not what you all want to see
fuck, you dont even know me
you dont know what i aspire to be
that itch that you cant scratch
that wound that wont close
that bud that wont rose
those tears that wont stop

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Sheep in Wolves Clothing

i see now that you were the wolf this whole time
so please excuse me while i pull the wool over your eyes
and if that doesnt serve as an ample disguise
then allow me to shit on your disposition
then set fire to your intensions
and as i perform these tones
around your bones
ill observe this swirling rancid smoke
and notice how it so perfectly it provides a cloak
for all the obvious wasted lies
and how we both came to dispise
even the simple notion that we could join in union
or even the tiny action of a reunion
and when the fires ceased
i stepped forward and released
a loathing

all along you were a sheep in wolves clothing

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Visual Cultivation

I stand aside to watch her body perform
Actions parallel to the surreal edge of heaven
Every motion comparable to a sonata form
With a grace known only to sixth sense comprehension
And as i rearrange her limbs in picasso contribution
Her creation is idealized
And full beauty contemplated with bloodless revolution
Her idea surrealized
When finished a masterpiece
Her body a centerpiece
For the dining platform of christ's last meal
I drew her towards myself
Wondering if this is simply ego ideal
Impossible
Her complete being perfect
With the power to affect
Every self-induced motion
Causing one to subject
Himself to multiple instance subjective emotion
Distance action creating full devotion
To a hollow affection

--------

Fundamentalist

Oh, such a debilitated attempt to inspire
This statue of relentless dogma
Refusing retrocession amongst the mire
Unmarred presence, blemished by the stigma

Evolution becomes a lurid abomination
Preaching only disfavor
Accusations and malevolence promising salvation
Hatred the believed path to the savior

My beloved advocate with a serpent’s tongue

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Lemme know what you think of these. I may attend open mic night here at a local cafe, so I'd like some opinions before I go.

 

[Halahan]

Pretty good, Rhyme scheme is a little odd. That last part, "that bud that wont rose"

change that to, "that bud that never rose"
sounds really bad if you leave it...

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

"That bud that never rose" doesn't seem to make a bit of sense

And as for the rhyme scheme, there really isn't one. Just rhymes to show emphasis.


I posted a new writing also. I think it's composed a little better than the first one.

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

C'mon guys, lay it on me

 

[Krys A Night]

They're really good. Though, with most spoken word poems, it's better to hear them out loud than to read them on paper.

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

Added a new poem (Visual Cultivation).

 

[Krys A Night]

Visual Cultivation is very good. I like the visuals that you create in the poem.

 

[XXXconanXXX]

Intense, emotionally striking. Really pulls on your heart strings.

Your writing is deep yet sophisticated - You strike a very good balance between visual representation while still keeping a sense of ambiguity in the air. The complete lack of structure is complemented by a loose rhyme scheme that really caters to its sophistication, while feeling completely natural and not forced at all.

Truly impressive pieces of literary work.

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

Thanks

 

[Halahan]

I really like Visual Cultivation. Its just composed very well, everything is just great.

Untitled is good, I especially like the line,
"and find inspiration to live
to love
to be me
not what you all want to see
fuck, you don't even know me"

I don't know why, but I just has a deep emotional meaning in an almost personal way, though I have no idea why, and the rhyming is perfect, not forced but it still works.

Sheep in Wolf's clothing is ok... the rhyme scheme seems a little forced, not at all how the other two seem to flow so well. Maybe examine and compare those, though you probably won't

Very, Very nice job.

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

Yeah, Sheep in Wolves Clothing came about from a bunch of random ideas written down on napkins and scrap paper. I liked the idea, but it didn't come out as well as I had planned.

Thanks for the feedback

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

I put up a new one.

Fundamentalist

 

[DM Cross]

You should record yourself saying it out loud. It's called SPOKEN word for a reason ^.^ You could upload it somewhere. Even get a music myspace profile and upload them there

 

[Mer_de_Noms]

I would love to, but sadly we don't have a mic

And we're one of those "live paycheck to paycheck" families, so we don't have a lot of spare money.

Man I can't wait to get a job... lucky for me we live in Michigan... what with it's stand-up economy and all