The Darkening

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
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240
Cliche title, eh? Oh well, screw it. Felt like posting something since I haven't posted in a while, although it ain't too much. Just the start to a story that takes place in the same universe as The Reawakening, a short story I wrote a little bit ago. Not much has happened in it so far... but I'll be trying to update it frequently. Been workin' a lot lately, and haven't had much time for writing... but I'm trying! Anywho, it's in the spoilers.

Vaya stood at her window, watching the rising chaos unfold in the town center below. Although she couldn’t see them too well from her study high within one of the Cathedral’s many spires, the commotion stirred up by the crowds carried easily to her ears, and it wasn’t hard to notice the sporadic movements of the people even from her distance. She’d awoken from a nightmare in a cold sweat along with the rising sun, and had watched it with mounting concern as it climbed higher and higher over the horizon; soon after, the townspeople slowly started to emerge from their homes. It began with a man here and there walking out to see what was going on, but it wasn’t long before they were beckoning their families from their homes, and then their neighbors. Within the hour, the entire town center was full, and the panic amongst the people had only grown with their numbers.

Her gaze shifted upwards toward the source of everyone’s concern once more, and she felt butterflies flutter in her chest as she had each time she looked upon it before. The sun had gone dark, casting an eerie crimson and violet glow across everything it shined upon. Ancient words of prophecy flowed forth from the dregs of her mind, birthing an anxious sensation in the pit of her stomach, and she clutched the windowsill as she shuddered involuntarily. Regardless of whether or not this sun portrayed that of the Seer’s vision, there was no doubt that it was an ill omen, and some sort of trouble was bound to follow.

She jumped as two loud knocks penetrated her thoughts, and she turned as the door to her study was flung open. Galan casually sauntered in, smiling when their eyes met, and for that brief moment any thoughts of the sun were cast from her mind. As he came close to her he drew her against himself, and leaned down to kiss her. She tilted her head back a little and met his mouth with her own, and a sense of serenity filled her being, warming her soul. He pulled away and smiled down at her again, still clutching her tight against him. “Good morning, Vaya,” he said, and then his eyes flickered up past her to a spot over her shoulder. “Ah. Perhaps those aren’t the best words for this morning.”

She turned back to the darkened sun outside her window and clung tighter to Galan’s side, resting her head against his chest. “Galan, this is bad,” Vaya told him, directing her gaze back up at him. She swallowed and stepped back from him for a moment, shaking her head in dismay. “There’s no denying what this is,” she said, her voice hardly more than a whisper. He made a face at her before waving off her concern with a flourish of his hand. Hugging her around the waist, he pulled her with him onto one of the overstuffed armchairs in the corner of her room.

“We don’t know that for sure,” he told her, and rolled his eyes at the look she gave him. “Alright, I admit, it doesn’t look good. But that doesn’t mean that this is the Darkening.” Vaya flinched at the word, its mere utterance causing a turmoil of panic to swell up within her bosom once more. She could sense a change in Galan’s demeanor, too, as if he felt he’d overstepped his bounds. For a moment, neither of them spoke, and they simply dwelled on their brooding thoughts in each others’ company.

Finally, he spoke again, but with a hint of uncertainty underlying his voice, betraying the sense of calm he was trying to exude. “To be honest with you, I think you’re right. I feel as if the Abyssal Lord’s restraints are growing weaker and weaker with each rising sun, and that his return to our world will come sooner that we expect it to.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes in exasperation. Something really seemed to be bothering him, and he almost flinched when she rested her hand across the back of his neck. He looked at her uncertainly, before gazing past her and out the window.
“He invaded my dreams last night.” Vaya hugged him tight as she felt tears form beneath her eyes, although she didn’t know why she was crying. “I didn’t think it meant anything at first,” he continued, “but after seeing the sun I couldn’t deny the true worth of the dream.” He was silent again, and Vaya didn’t even need to look at him to sense that he was lost deep in thought. She felt the weight of his acceptance fall across her shoulders, coupling with her own burdened thoughts, and together they threatened to crush her.

“It was truly a nightmare,” Galan said, suddenly. He pulled her closer against him, as a child would pull their favorite toy close to them at night, but instead of comforting her it only made her more frightened; she’d never seen Galan in such a state. He was always cool and composed, refusing to let anyone or anything ruffle his calm demeanor. Now, he sat there, holding her close because he couldn’t handle his burden alone. It was terrifying, more so than the darkened sun, more so than the Abyssal Lord himself. She swallowed back the lump in her throat, refusing to speak for fear of breaking down, knowing that she had to be strong for him as well as herself.

“I was being chased down a corridor, trapped in some sort of dungeon or catacombs. I was hurt, and it was slowing me down, but I was still able to run,” he told her before pausing again, his brow furrowed in thought as he tried to remember exactly what happened. “Some strange sort of creature was after me, something dark and terrible out of nightmares,” he said, and then shook his head. “It was hunting me, a creature of pure evil, and it seemed as if no matter where or how far I would run, it would only be getting closer. I sensed that it wasn’t the Abyssal Lord, but it was just as dark, and I felt like it was just as dangerous. I kept hearing its laughter, a strange sort of chortling sound that echoed through my mind, and the terror it brought on lingers even in my waking state.”

His voice had gone quiet, and he sounded as much like a child as he looked at that moment, small and terrified as he was. “Finally, I could run no more, and when I turned the creature was already upon me, staring down at me with its twin, glowing crimson orbs. I called the Light to me, preparing to unleash its holy wrath upon the demon, but nothing came. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. Before I could do anything, it struck at me. I could do nothing to defend myself.” He turned slightly, and his eyes refocused on her face. “Nothing came. It was as if the Light had forsaken me completely, refusing my desperate plea in my greatest time of need. It left me powerless.”

They sat there for a while after that, each of them as silent as the other, their limbs entwined and their bodies close, their only comfort each other on this grim day. The rabble coming from the town center had died down considerably, Vaya suddenly realized, and had been replaced by that of one lone voice. Although she couldn’t make out the words, she could tell that he was preaching to the crowds, probably of some doomsday harangue. She briefly considered how despicable man really was, trying to take advantage of its brethren during such uncertain times, but she didn’t dwell on the ill thoughts. Instead, she mulled over the dream that Galan had just relayed to her, trying to make sense of it all.
 

Syndrome

You can change this now in User CP.
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126
Woah, nice one kev! :thup: X3
It really got my attention from about half-way down, about dreams, the Abyssmal Lord, etc.

Short, attractive, the top half wasn't as good as the bottom half but it was all really good.

You might wanna add another space in between two different ppl's dialogue, it's near the bottom when they talk about him invading other ppls dreams.

I like this, please continue with this X3
 

thewrongvine

The Evolved Panda Commandant
Reaction score
506
Oh wow, that was great. I've never seen your writings before so this is teh awesome X3.1. :thup:

Yeah, like geoff said (hi geoff), you should space the diaglogue out.
 

Fatmankev

Chef, Writer, and Midnight Toker
Reaction score
240
Word.

I'll post it in MS Word once I get to the break in the first chapter, but it may take me a day or two 'cuz I really needa get fucked up tonight. Been a looong week, ya know?

Anywho, I've got a lot of ideas for this story and the world it takes place in, so if I can implement them all satisfactorily then it might just be worth reading. So in the mean time, feel free to comment and thanks for the kind words, fellas. Peace.
 

BlargIAmDead

New Member
Reaction score
25
In the words I heard in a sequel once: "...You have some skill."

That said, there are a couple of places that could use a second look.

Vaya stood at her window, watching the rising chaos unfold in the town center below.

Is the chaos rising or unfolding? Pick one; both is overdoing it.

She’d awoken from a nightmare in a cold sweat along with the rising sun, and had watched it with mounting concern as it climbed higher and higher over the horizon...

What is "it"? The nightmare? The rising sun? The unfolding chaos?

The sun had gone dark, casting an eerie crimson and violet glow across everything it shined upon.

Again, pick one of the two. Either the glow is crimson, or it's violet. (Or it's shifting between the two, first crimson then violet then back again, but if it is you didn't mention it.)

Galan casually sauntered in...

Well, of course Galan casually sauntered in. That's what "saunter" means. You don't hear of anybody "grimly sauntering" or "maniacally sauntering", do you? ;)

He made a face at her before waving off her concern...

What kind of a face? Did he frown? Did he roll his eyes? Did he stick his tongue out at her and say "nyah-nyah-nyah"? :)

"...when I turned the creature was already upon me, staring down at me with its twin, glowing crimson orbs."

You, as a narrator, may feel free to describe a monster's eyes as "twin, glowing crimson orbs". (I wouldn't recommend it, but it's your call.) Vaya, as a character engaged in non-formal dialogue, will not. She'll call them "glowing eyes". Trust me on this one, I've made the mistake myself.

...Have you read Stephen King's On Writing? I think you'd like it. Check it out.
 
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